Friday, January 20, 2006

Two crude jokes.

Last night I went to school, came home, and crashed out by nine. Nine! The last time I went to bed that early I had been up for 48 hours straight. So technically it didn't count. I woke up this morning and thought, "Shit. What am I going to blog about?" Actually it was more like, "Shit. Why can't the coffee pot be smart enough to start itself the moment I wake up?" Followed by, "Man I'm hungry" and "Oooh, I need to pee." But I'm sure you guys were down there somewhere on the list.

When I did get around to thinking about my daily blog, I realized the only thing I had to say was this... I passed my first Algebra test! *Does mental happy dance* So, yeah. There it is. Thankfully, inspiration came in the form of a dear blog-buddy with a contagious sense of humor. Wow, did that come off rather infomercial to you? "And you can have her for 111234 easy payments of only $8.99! No need get out your calculators folks. That comes to one round sum of... PRICELESS. " Thank you
Ditsy/Denice for the inspiration for this post.

Whistling Dixie

(The crudest joke I've ever heard. Also the only joke capable of making grown men pass out. For this reason, I always make sure there's at least one guy in the room when I tell it.)

A man had just been dumped by his girlfriend. He decided to wallow in his misery at the local bar. As he was slamming back his third beer, a friend walked in. "What are you doing here all alone?" The friend asked. The man explained the situation. "That sucks. Let me buy you another round. " After a couple failed attempts to get the man in a lighter mood, the friend slid himself from his seat and made to leave. "I know something that might make you feel a lot better," he said while writing down an address on a napkin. "Oh?" Said the man, not really in the mood to care.

"Yeah, her name is Dixie." "A therapist?" "No, a prostitute." "Aw man, I'm not going to a prostitute!" "Suit yourself. I don't think you'd be disappointed though. She's high class, does it straight out of her own home. They turn the lights off so you can't see her. But it's only because she's that good. She doesn't want to be recognized on the street. She gives the most amazing blowjobs, all while whistling Dixie!" The friend left. The man pushed the napkin away and ordered another beer. After ten bottles of liquid motivation he decided he might as well check the place out.

The man pulled up to the address, a nice house in a very prestigious neighborhood. He walked up to the door and rang the bell. A little girl answered. All of a sudden he was feeling really stupid. "Uh. Is Dixie here?" "Follow me," the little girl answered. She led him to a bedroom and pointed toward the edge of the bed. "Wait here. Don't touch the lights. When Dixie leaves, you can pay me outside the door." The man sat in the dark for five minutes. Just as he was debating whether to leave, the door slid open and shut quickly.

Dixie shuffled her way to the bed. Way led to way. The friend had been right! This was the most amazing blowjob the man had ever received, and the woman was whistling Dixie the whole time. After she was finished... er. After he had finished, the man jumped up and ran toward the light switch. He HAD to see this amazing woman for himself. He turned toward her as he cut on the lights... Just as she was putting her glass eyeball back in.

Jeeves
One night a wealthy older couple decided to go to a cocktail party at a friend's house. They got dressed to the nines and gave Jeeves, their butler, the night off. Half way through the party the wife began to feel ill. "Honey, you stay here. I'm going home. Call for the car when you're ready." On entering the house the wife turned to the left and found a very startled Jeeves standing in the hallway. "Jeeves, follow me." She called out to him. She led him up a flight of stairs, down the hall, and into her bedroom.

"Jeeves, take off my shoes." He did. "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did. "Jeeves, take off my bra." He did. "Jeeves, take off my underwear." He did. "Jeeves..." She took a deep breath. "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again your ass will be out on the street!"

Have a great weekend all!

20 Comments:

At 20 January, 2006, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

*snort* You crack me up. Happy Friday.

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Congrats on the algebra test. You go, girl!

Why did the PMSing woman cross the street?

To kill the damn chicken.

 
At 20 January, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Yay for gross jokes and good Algebra test scores!

Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Love the Jeeves joke! And congrats on the test!

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger mE said...

Just out of curiosity, darling girl, why were you taking an algebra test?

(Congrats, by the way!)

~Eileen

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Go to www.chickenjoke.com for good chicken-crossed-the-road jokes. My favorites:

"We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here. -George W. Bush

"I did not have sexual realtions with that chicken!" -Bill Clinton

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Those jokes are HILARIOUS!!!!

Congratulations on the algebra test!

Why did the teenager cross the road?

His parents told him not to.

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Thanks for the congrats and all the one-liners! I'm going to have to text these to Hoop later. He's the Joke Master of my house. Well, he THINKS he is anyway.

Me: I started back up at school about 3 weeks ago. I'm going in for a degree in business which will probably take me 9 years to finish at this rate. ;)

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

YAY on the Algebra test! Rock those numbers, girl.

I kind of threw up in my mouth a little when I got to the punchline of the first joke. ~shudder~ But Dave will love it; he is the Joke King.

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

I didn't SEE it coming! hahahaha

teebs!!! ew!

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Another name for it is a "skully," you know, but I never thought it could be SO appropriate.

It was a gross joke, but check this one out:

A woman has this huge, infected boil right between her asshole and pussy. It's absolutely killing her, she can't even sit down. She pulls out the yellow pages, looks up "Boilsuckers" and calls the first one she sees. "Help, this is an emergency," she says. "I'll be right over," says he. When he gets there, he tells her to take off her clothes, lay down and spread her legs. He asks her, "Would you prefer that I do this with my nose toward the back or the front?" She, having some modesty, asks him to keep his nose towards the backside. He moves in and starts sucking on her boil for all he's worth. Obviously he's done this a lot, she thinks to herself, because his lips and tongue expertly pull and suck at the infection. Eventually the boil pops and he sucks out all the pus and blood. Finally, with one last suck, the little, yellow, hard seed of the infection comes out too. Just as that happens, however, the woman rips this huge fart that blasts up the man's nose. He immediately jumps up and shouts, "Goddamn woman, what are you trying to do!! Gross me out!!!"

Or this one too (one of my favorites):

How can you tell if your roommmate is gay? If his dick tastes like shit.

Please don't hate me!

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

*Scrunches face* That was GROSS mamalujo1! LOL I like your style though. Talk gutter to me more. :P

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I'm sorry but you're comment on Brooke's about the "balling" and then Arabella correcting you IS STILL THE FUNNIEST thing I have heard today!!!

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Dictionary.com defines "Balling" as: Balling v. Vulgar Slang. To have sexual intercourse with.

So, yeah... I can't believe I used it in reference to doing it at work! LOL Oh boy.

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger Brooke said...

The fake eyeball was bad, but yeah, I think the "BALLING" topped it! ;)

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Thank you for the infomercial. I loved it!

The eyeball joke, OMG, where do people come up with this shit? Oh, yeah, while they are supposed to be doing math in second grade.

Yes, the balling comments between you and Arabella had me on the floor....

 
At 20 January, 2006, Blogger wordgirl said...

Eeewww! I didn't see either of those punchlines coming.

 
At 21 January, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

LMFAO! LOVE the eyeball one. And mamalujo1 reminded me of my friend from college, affectionately known as "Skully". I swear to god, I have to think for like 10 minutes before I can ever remember his real name (which is Sean... I think). LOL! I am sooo going to tell that eyeball one to every guy I see... SWEET!

 
At 21 January, 2006, Blogger Rock said...

Anyway you look at it Tink you are unbelievably prolific - i don't know how i can keep up with you and WordGirl.

Congrats on Algebra - I always enjoyed that - it was Calculus that I had a problem with.

 
At 22 January, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

Very funny jokes!! Oh, and congrats on the test!!

 

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