Two crude jokes.
Last night I went to school, came home, and crashed out by nine. Nine! The last time I went to bed that early I had been up for 48 hours straight. So technically it didn't count. I woke up this morning and thought, "Shit. What am I going to blog about?" Actually it was more like, "Shit. Why can't the coffee pot be smart enough to start itself the moment I wake up?" Followed by, "Man I'm hungry" and "Oooh, I need to pee." But I'm sure you guys were down there somewhere on the list.
When I did get around to thinking about my daily blog, I realized the only thing I had to say was this... I passed my first Algebra test! *Does mental happy dance* So, yeah. There it is. Thankfully, inspiration came in the form of a dear blog-buddy with a contagious sense of humor. Wow, did that come off rather infomercial to you? "And you can have her for 111234 easy payments of only $8.99! No need get out your calculators folks. That comes to one round sum of... PRICELESS. " Thank you Ditsy/Denice for the inspiration for this post.
(The crudest joke I've ever heard. Also the only joke capable of making grown men pass out. For this reason, I always make sure there's at least one guy in the room when I tell it.)
A man had just been dumped by his girlfriend. He decided to wallow in his misery at the local bar. As he was slamming back his third beer, a friend walked in. "What are you doing here all alone?" The friend asked. The man explained the situation. "That sucks. Let me buy you another round. " After a couple failed attempts to get the man in a lighter mood, the friend slid himself from his seat and made to leave. "I know something that might make you feel a lot better," he said while writing down an address on a napkin. "Oh?" Said the man, not really in the mood to care.
"Yeah, her name is Dixie." "A therapist?" "No, a prostitute." "Aw man, I'm not going to a prostitute!" "Suit yourself. I don't think you'd be disappointed though. She's high class, does it straight out of her own home. They turn the lights off so you can't see her. But it's only because she's that good. She doesn't want to be recognized on the street. She gives the most amazing blowjobs, all while whistling Dixie!" The friend left. The man pushed the napkin away and ordered another beer. After ten bottles of liquid motivation he decided he might as well check the place out.
The man pulled up to the address, a nice house in a very prestigious neighborhood. He walked up to the door and rang the bell. A little girl answered. All of a sudden he was feeling really stupid. "Uh. Is Dixie here?" "Follow me," the little girl answered. She led him to a bedroom and pointed toward the edge of the bed. "Wait here. Don't touch the lights. When Dixie leaves, you can pay me outside the door." The man sat in the dark for five minutes. Just as he was debating whether to leave, the door slid open and shut quickly.
Dixie shuffled her way to the bed. Way led to way. The friend had been right! This was the most amazing blowjob the man had ever received, and the woman was whistling Dixie the whole time. After she was finished... er. After he had finished, the man jumped up and ran toward the light switch. He HAD to see this amazing woman for himself. He turned toward her as he cut on the lights... Just as she was putting her glass eyeball back in.
One night a wealthy older couple decided to go to a cocktail party at a friend's house. They got dressed to the nines and gave Jeeves, their butler, the night off. Half way through the party the wife began to feel ill. "Honey, you stay here. I'm going home. Call for the car when you're ready." On entering the house the wife turned to the left and found a very startled Jeeves standing in the hallway. "Jeeves, follow me." She called out to him. She led him up a flight of stairs, down the hall, and into her bedroom.
"Jeeves, take off my shoes." He did. "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did. "Jeeves, take off my bra." He did. "Jeeves, take off my underwear." He did. "Jeeves..." She took a deep breath. "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again your ass will be out on the street!"
Have a great weekend all!