"This man is a saint. I define a saint as a person who behaves decently in an indecent society." ~Kurt Vonnegut (Timequake)
Odd Mix is the type of Dad I always wanted. He's the older brother I never had. He's the husband little girls dream of, and the kind of man I hope my brothers grow up to be.
The love in which he posts about his wife and kids is profound. You can't help but love them too. Try not to. I dare you. Resist the cuteness of Annelise's Snugglewuffie, the first post I remember reading on his blog. Try not to get emotional while Odd Mix describes Caleb's traumatic plane ride, or when lovely Gabriella thought her ears were ugly, and Bissy with her truthful words of wisdom. Don't forget Odd Mix's wife, the wonderful MDW. He gushes about her in his "101 Odd Facts" (#56-65). No one could ever doubt the love they share. They are the epitome of what a marriage should be, role models for my generation.
Are you wondering how a post about Odd Mix turns into a post about his whole family?
I couldn't describe one without the other.
And I don't think he'd want it any other way. If someone had told me about Odd Mix before I had the pleasure of meeting him, I'd have been scared. That's not the word you were expecting is it? Well I'm not here to please you anyway. I would have been scared to be judged unworthy, as is the harsh reality of this world. I'm not graceful. I cuss... A LOT. I tell stories that may not be deemed "appropriate" to the general public. You're all well aware of that, I'm sure. And yet, Odd Mix has never indicated that I'm anything other than his friend and that I'm worthy of such a title. He's gentle and hardworking, caring and unbias, loving and creative... and he wears his halo a little crooked.
Odd Mix is... 1. The description for Depeche Mode's "The Meaning Of Love" album. 2. The array of buildings in this San Francisco picture. 3. Face art at Yale. 4. A REALLY difficult set of words to Google.
Courtesy of Odd Mix: The words for this weekend are
Don't be a wussy, join the fun! ***********************************************************
Today is Hoop's last day at the distributor where we work. He decided to take a month off before graduation to start looking for a more corporate type job. It's kind of sad for me, since this is where we met. It's sad for him because this is where all of his friends are. But we've got a lot of great changes ahead of us... Hopefully one of those is a move. Can you believe we still haven't had anyone look at the house? I'm going to start standing at the end of my road in a bikini with a sign.
On second thought, Hoop's out of a job. Maybe I'll have HIM do that. hehe
On the way to work this morning I tried to think of one word that would describe Arabella.
It's hard to sum a person up that way. Have you ever tried?
There are many titles that would suit her, "Mysterious" or "Stylish" or "Feministic." But the one word that kept coming back to me was "Beautiful." I continued to throw the word out though, thinking it too unoriginal. And it kept popping back into my head like the lyrics to that damn Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper commercial. MANAMANA! Do do dodo. MANAMANA!
Yeah, now YOU'RE singing it aren't you?
I got to work and googled baby name sites. I must have looked on a dozen. They all translated Arabella to mean "Beautiful," be it Italian, Dutch, or Spanish. It wasn't one of those oh-my-god-it's-a-sign moments. But I did feel like calling out, "Alright, I get it already!" So I'm not the only one that thinks highly of you, Arabella. Evidently Karma thinks so too. And she's not always so kind. Like my name...
My name means, "Christ-bearer." Which hopefully doesn't translate to "Virgin," because I've already ruined those chances.
For those of you who don't know her, Arabella is one of those rare people who can pull off sophistication without making the average Joe/Jane feel like a puddle of mud. Her wit isn't "dry" like she claims, it's refined. She's compassionate and powerful and NEVER gives herself as much credit as she deserves. Have I mentioned I have no idea what she looks like?
Her beauty is palpable.
Despite distance and position, age and opinion, from the boundaries of my desk... I feel her beauty. And it makes me grateful that I share this space, this little spot on the infinity of the internet, with her.
Arabella Is... 1. A German opera about finding someone to love in a dismal situation. 2. A novel about a poor English girl who lies about being an heiress to win the affection of a very wealthy man. 3. A Middle Eastern lifestyles magazine. 4. A type of boat. ***********************************************************
Last night I spent five hours making mixed CDs. And before all of you who chose that as your prize say, "I didn't know it would be so much trouble!" SHUT UP.
And you're welcome.
I can't remember the last time I had so much fun by myself! Hoop wandered in around eleven and asked if I'd seen his girlfriend. "I think I lost her around here a few hours ago." And then at midnight he visited again to ask why the hell I had CDs strewn from one end of the room to the other. It DID look like my CD books had upchucked all over the floor. "But Babe, I had to know what I'm dealing with here. You know I'm a visual person!"
Daily Hoop Conversation: Tink: I know what I'm getting you for your birthday in August. Hoop: Oh? What's that? Tink: I can't tell you! Hoop: Well I know what I'm getting you for your birthday too. Tink: But mine isn't until January. Hoop: I know. Tink: So... What is it? Hoop: The Energizer Jack-Rabbit. Tink: *Snort* Is that an upgrade? Hoop: Only the best for my baby.
BTW: I'm getting him boots and a cowboy hat for his birthday in light of my parents new addition to the family. He tried a few on over the weekend and really liked them.
I know I implied there'd only be one winner. But my mailbox blew up with responses. So I thought grabbing the first seven was more fair.
And evidently almost everyone is afraid of my taste in music. LOL.
Thanks to everyone who participated in Pickled Beef's first contest! Have I told you lately how fanfuckingtastic you all are? Even though the results are in, those who still wish to play are more than welcome to email their answers anyway. If you are one of the seven winners and have not chosen a prize yet, please email me with your selection as soon as possible.
Favorite June Search Term: Do you find yourself cussing out....? insects, inanimate objects, blog The word of the day is "issues." Can you say that word? I know you can.
Daily Hoop Conversation: (While I'm going to the bathroom) Tink: Hey babe! Could you grab me the Windex and the paper towels? Hoop: Grab the what?! Oh my God... You're obsessed. Tink: It's just that I'm sitting here and I noticed there's toothpaste on the mirror. Hoop: *Hands over the goods* Here you go Mrs. Clean. Tink: Thanks. Hoop: Do you wish I were Mr. Clean? Tink: Would your spit magically miss the mirror if you were? Hoop: No. But I'd probably wipe it off after I did it. Tink: Then... YES. Hoop: Even with the bald head? Tink: Clean house... or hair? Hm. You better get cleaning. Hoop: I can't believe what I'm hearing! Tink: You can go back to normal AFTER we sell the damn house.
DOT:Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "Doomed." So click on over and let me know what you think! Fairy Tales aren't just for bedtime anymore.
Heads Up 7up: I will not be blogging from July 7th to the 13th. Instead I will be enjoying Seattle, my first real vacation in eight years! Posts will continue as normal until then.
The Contest: If you'd LIKE to participate, I will in no way love you less if you don't, the contest will start tomorrow at noon. Below are fifteen questions about things I've written on this blog. The first person to email me (the address is in my profile) the correct answers will win.
Rules: No submissions will be excepted accepted (Thanks Chelle!) until after noon tomorrow. Everyone deserves a chance to get involved. In the circumstance that no one gets all the answers right, the person with the most correct answers will win. I will post the winner on Wednesday's post.
Prize: 1. (Will involve you emailing me your address) A mixed CD of all my favorite tunes and possibly some other goodies. OR... 2. I will dedicate an entire post to you and things that make me think of you.
You have 24 hours. Tick-tock bloggers.
1. What is Hoop's brother's nickname? 2. Name one of my two dogs. 3. What did Hoop get me for my birthday in January? 4. Who is "Frankenstein?" 5. What is the name of the publication I post "I Saw You's" out of? 6. What was my story Twisted Tink originally called? 7. Who did my Math Teacher say I looked like? Clue: I posted comparison pictures. 8. Who did I sign my name as when I emailed a complaint to the people that spammed my blog? 9. What did I accidentally drop down the drain at Hoop's Dad's house in Tennessee? 10. What medical condition does Hoop's grandfather have? 11. Insert the missing words in this sentence, "Once you hit the ------ -----, there's no turning back." Clue: F P 12. What did Mom talk Hoop into watching while we're gone on vacation? 13. What color was Hoop's ugly shirt? 14. What drug did they have me on to quit smoking? 15. What does "Pickled Beef" mean?
Daily Hoop Conversation: Tink: What are you doing? Hoop: I'm looking up pictures of our solar system. Aren't these amazing? Tink: I thought you were supposed to be doing homework. Hoop: I am! Tink: No you're not. You're procrastinating. Hoop: No... I'm doing homework. Tink: Oh really? So, how exactly does the solar system play into a RELIGIONS class? Hoop: Um. Tink: I'm waiting... Hoop: I'm looking for God's house.
Today's Spam Mail: Skip from William Elliot Don't mind if I do... Next! Centrally Conduct from Monty Hicks Aesthetically Dependent from Myra Reilly Sloppy Dinosaur from Oscar Erickson Granddad Apparition from Tommy Richardson
June Search Terms: (What people put into search engines that bring them here) 1. McMansions "no furniture" They finally get something worth while in those Happy Meals and someone still has to complain! 2. Hoop's sexy photo shoot There better not be. So... Which one of you bums baited me with that gem, hm? 3. Cirque o alligator head That would be a pretty boring attraction. "Look at the gator head. Sit. Staaaay. Good head! Amazing." 4. real men of genius spork You. Are. Brilliant. That's just what they're missing, more sporks in advertising. 5. meow mix house ho's Cat suits and renditions of the "Meow,meow" song? You're one kinky bastard.
Things That Make You Go, "WTF?": 1. Who buys a gift for a girl who ran them over with her car?! 2. If you got a couple ribs taken out, you might be able to do that yourself. 3. Someday I'm going to have a pot field...with wolves guarding it. 4. I didn't have any money, so I gave the cabbie my cell phone. 5. You're going to look back on this and think, "I should have bought the Okra."
Weekend Recap: 1. On Saturday, Hoop and I proved we can have fun just about anywhere.
Fun at the feed store.
Hoop, gone country.
2. Although we might have embarrassed my Mom a little bit... 3. I probably shouldn't have taste-tested all the salt and mineral cubes. 4. And Hoop shouldn't have been chasing me around with a six inch horse needle. 5. But to be fair, it was Papa Bear who twirled the pooper scooper around proclaiming it looked like a "satellite dish." 6. Did you know they make trading cards for professional bull riding? 7. I went horseback riding for the first time in ten years on Saturday. It was like riding a bike... 8. ...a very hungry bike who likes to stop and eat trees. 9. Grandpa's in his 80's. He went horseback riding for the first time in his life. 10. The ride went well, up until the point where he slid off. 11. He's fine. Although I don't know how anxious he'll be to go horseBELLY riding again. 12. Hoop and I went out drinking at our favorite dive on Saturday night. 13. I said I wasn't drunk. But I DID go upstairs for a drink with a friend and forgot to come back down again. 14. By the time I found Hoop again someone had puked on my shoes, spilled a drink in my hair, put a cigarette out on my ass and passed out right in front of me. 15. And people wonder why I don't go out much. 16. Hoop and I had great plans for Sunday that included the beach, lunch, and possibly the flea market. 17. We never left the couch. 18. And then it started raining. 19. So we laid around all day watching the Health Channel... 20. ...and shows on obesity. 21. And then we went over to Hoop's Grandparents' house for Kentucky Fried Chicken. 22. Which is kind of disturbing if you think about it. 23. Before dinner Hoop's Mom and I ran to Home Depot (AKA my second home). 24. Where Hoop's Mom introduced me to someone as, "Hoop's fiance." 25. To which I responded by scratching my face with my BARE left hand and smiling.
Multicolored Zoo Dedicated to Momma T and her huge metal chicken. These really ARE in someone's yard.
Daily Hoop Conversation: (While watching a show about a 750lb man) Tink: Is it bad that this show is making me hungry? Hoop: I'm pretty sure it has put me off food for a couple days. ... Hoop: Next is a story about a girl who's slowly turning to stone. Tink: I thought it was about that paraplegic who's pregnant. Hoop: No, that's after the special on medical mysteries. Tink: The one where that girl is screaming to be put out of her misery? Hoop: Yeah. Tink: Jesus, this channel is DEPRESSING! Hoop: And yet, we watch it...
Not Far From The Tree: Alzheimer-Grandfather: What are we watching?! Hoop: It's called "The Family Guy." AG: Well why the hell can't I understand what they're saying? Hoop: That's because they were doing- AG: BRGLMUDBLEHBLAHDURGDLRG! Hoop and Tink: ... Tink: What did he say? Hoop: I have no idea... What did you say Grandpa? AG: I said what I heard. Hoop: Oh! That's because they were doing a joke in Spanish. AG: Does this look like SPAIN to you?!
DISCLAIMER: Be prepared for strong sexual content in 3.1 seconds. The staff of Pickled Beef cannot be held liable if you continue reading and are appalled, offended, or corrupted. Thank you, that is all.
Hoop broke my favorite vibrator. Ok, so it wasn't intentional. But I'm still pissed. He says it's all MY fault. All I was doing was chasing him around the house, trying to tickle him in the balls with it. But that's beside the point. Hoop should have played along with my experiment and none of this would have happened. Now there's a casualty. The Energizer Bunny is no more. And evidently he doesn't keep "going and going" once the cord has been yanked out of his backside.
END of Disclaimer
Courtesy of Odd Mix: The words for this weekend are...
There's never a better weekend to start participating!
Random Site Of Interest: I was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning when they started discussing a new and unique way to store the ashes of loved ones, Huggable Urns. Huggable Urns are stuffed animals made with "zippered compartments and come with a tightly sealed pouch that hold your loved one's ashes or a special keepsake."
I understand the grieving process can do strange things to a person. I can't imagine being in the place of any of people on the testimonial page. But there's something REALLY disturbing about people taking the stuffed animals with them to family reunions, dressing them up for the holidays, getting professional pictures taken of them, or letting their other children sleep with it.
Aren't there more effective (less creepy) ways to mourn?
Daily Hoop Conversation: Tink: *Calls from bathroom* Hey babe! Hoop: Yeah? Tink: Could you grab me some toilet paper? Hoop: *Walks in* Did you want the whole roll? Because I only grabbed a handful. I don't know if this is enough or if you need- Tink: -it's perfect. Thanks! Hoop: Isn't that amazing? I grabbed exactly the right amount. Tink: Um... sure is. Hoop: I must have been a girl in a previous life!
Daily Hoop Conversation 2: Tink: I forgot to mention. Those midget people- Hoop: -are we back on the midgets? Tink: They live on a 34-acre farm with a life size castle, and a pirate ship! Hoop: What the hell do they DO for a living? Tink: I don't know. The dad owns some little person factory or something. Hoop: It's not called "Willy Wonka's" is it?
T&AQ&A: I don't always get a chance to answer the questions or remarks in my comment section, although I read and appreciate every single one. So I'm taking this time to answer any that I might have missed this month.
Mamalujo1 said... "Why that one?" Political endeavors... Forced silence... It was the one picture that actually made me say, "That's it!"
Turtle said... Tink. Totally white trash gf! I can't believe you did it. Sorry, but you're losing idol status in my book. Well I still love YOU Turtle! I'm just going to go pout in this corner now.
Sarah said... If you locked all the insane people in a room to watch JLo and Mariah movies, would they ultimately overdose on the incredibly high levels of the crazy and return to normalcy? The only way to restore normalcy is by locking JLo and Mariah up WITH the crazies, thereby ensuring that no one else will go insane because they watched one of their horrid movies.
Mrspao said... Does your dad have a thing about the name Cheryl/Sheryl? Or was it me or was there a serious lack of imagination in that town when it came to girl's names? If I knew that I wouldn't need therapy. Although to be honest I don't remember meeting any OTHER Cheryl/Sheryls. Maybe my Dad just wanted to release his inner-player without "the kid" screwing things up, so he made it easy on me.
OddMix said... I am sorry about the house. How does one "back out of a contract" without penalty? Because my house was just getting on the market, they made a contingency in the contract that they could keep marketing the house. It was a crappy deal and I should have known better. They wanted to ensure they got a quick sale and I wasn't willing to bind myself into two mortgages to compete.
Mrspao said... So speaking of Hoop style, I'm dying to know: what happened to the orange shirt? He packed it before I could get to it. What he doesn't understand is that I'm going to be the one UNpacking it. Mwahahaha.
...and Other Such Lies" would be a great book title.
"Tagged!" by Me (Because I'm THAT bored folks)
Here's the instructions: 1. Choose a search engine (e.g. Google). 2. Pick 5 random blogfriends. 3. Think of a word or phrase that describes each friend (or use their blog name). 4. Do an image search of that word or phrase.
Daily Hoop Conversation: Tink: How'd the job fair go today? Hoop: Great! The mininum pay for all the jobs I applied for- Tink: -the what pay? Hoop: Mininum? Tink: MiniMum. Hoop: That's what I said. Mininum. Tink: No, say it with me. MiniNum... Shit. I mean- Hoop: -now I'm really confused. Tink: Miminun. Minimun? MiniMum! Hoop: Can I finish my story now?
A Novel Idea: Kurt Vonnegut is one of the few authors that can make me think in circles instead of straight lines. He's so clever and witty that sometimes I read each chapter twice just so I can soak up his ideas.
On the creation of Adam and Eve:
"'Satan,' he said, 'couldn't undo anything God had done. She could at least try to make existence for His little toys less painful. She could see what He couldn't: to be alive was to be either bored or scared stiff. So She filled an apple with all sorts of ideas that might at least relieve the boredom, such as rules for games with cards and dice, and how to fuck, and recipes for beer and wine and whiskey, and pictures of different plants that were smokeable, and so on. And instructions on how to make music and sing and dance real crazy, real sexy. And how to spout blasphemy when they stubbed their toes.'" -Timequake (1997)
Daily Hoop Conversation 2: Tink: I was watching this show the other night called "Little People Big World." It's about a midget couple who have four kids, one average sized daughter, one average sized son, and a set of twins where one is average and the other is a midget. Isn't that crazy? I never would have imagined that was possible. Hoop: ... Tink: Hoop, did you hear me? Isn't that strange? Hoop: I'm sorry, you lost me at "midgets." *Shudder* And you say you WILLINGLY watched this show?
Daily Hoop Conversation 3: Tink: I am SO hungry! Hoop: What are you hungry for? Tink: I don't know. Meat. Hoop: *Chuckle* I have some meat you can have. Tink: I meant something that will fill me up. Hoop: *Gasp* Tink: I mean. Wow... That's a huge hole I just dug huh? Hoop: I'd say. You might want to bury me in it.
It's only Wednesday and I've already maxed out my "Weird Quota" for the week.
Weird Lunch: As I was standing in line at the gas station yesterday I couldn't help but notice a man about my age staring at me from the next line. He stared. I ignored him. He coughed to get my attention. I took an interest in my feet. Fortunately I got out of line first and made haste toward my car. I thought I was in the clear... Until he peeled out of the parking lot to catch up with me at the light. "Real funny dude," I thought as he revved his engine behind me.
I thought I'd lose him as I turned onto work's road. But I didn't. He followed. I pulled into the parking lot and figured he'd just keep on going. He didn't. He parked at the end of the drive, hanging out his car window, and stared. He didn't pull off until after I was safely in the building. What exactly did he hope to accomplish? Did he think I'd be wooed by his vacant stare? Or that glob of spittle dripping from his open mouth? Ooooh, or how special he made me feel as he chased me down the road?
Weird Call: Last night I got a call from a girl who I went to high school with. This girl and I have never been more than acquaintances, not to mention I haven't seen or spoken to her in over five years. She started the conversation off by mentioning that she was house hunting. According to her, my house was one of the ones her real estate agent had pulled for her to look at. "Unfortunately it's just too much out of my price range. But we drove by and I think you've done an amazing job on the place." "So how did you know it was my house?" "My real estate agent told me your name. I was so surprised I decided to 411 your number!"
First off, I've NEVER known an agent to disclose that type of information. Secondly, I have an unlisted number. "You know, my Dad is a real estate agent too. He says the real estate market has burst. House values are going way down. Houses that used to market at XX are now selling at XX." I couldn't believe the strings of sugar-coated bullshit coming out of this girl's mouth. "I've been watching the MLS for months and although the realty market has dropped down, prices are still sticking pretty high in Florida."
"By the way, you're on a septic tank right?" "Yup." "Is it below the shed?" "Um, no it's actually buried in the back yard." How did she know where the shed was located if she'd never set foot my property? "Because I'd like to put in a swimming pool." It was about then that I started trying to get off the phone with her. "You know, even if you sell your house for XX, you'll still make a XX profit." "And HOW do you know that?" "My real estate agent told me how much you bought the house for three years ago."
"Well, I have to go. It was nice talking to you." "Hey If you decide to go down to XX though, you'll call me first right?" "I don't think I'll move if I can only get that much for my house." "Oh. Ok. Well maybe if you and your boyfriend want to hang out some time?" I felt my palms starting to sweat. I hadn't mentioned Hoop once in the whole conversation. I don't know if I even said good-bye to the girl before hanging up the phone and calling out. Hoop thinks she's my secret stalker. He wants to invest in a taser just in case. Mom thinks her real estate agent is really her father, and he passed on this confidential information in the hopes that she could butter me over.
One thing is for sure... I will be so glad to get out of this town.
Daily Hoop Conversation: Tink: I used to be fluent in sign language. I'm really rusty now. Hoop's Mom: Interpreters make good money. Maybe you two could get into something like that. Tink: I could teach you what I know, Hoop. Hoop: That'll be a short lesson. ... Tink: You're lucky you're cute.
Daily Hoop Conversation 2: (6:30 this morning) Hoop: Baaaaby. Tink: Hmmm? Hoop: Wake up. Tink: Uh uh. Hoop: I love you. Tink: What do you want? Hoop: You have five minutes until you have to get up. Tink: What does tha- No Hoop. Not now. Hoop: Pleeease? Tink: I have to jump in the shower in five minutes. Hoop: Pleeease? Tink: No. Hoop: You can time me.
After Dinner Mint: Alzheimer-Grandfather: When's the waitress going to take our order?! Hoop: She already did Grandpa. AG: She did? What did I order? Hoop: Mahi-Mahi fish. AG: What the hell is Mommy-Mommy fish? That sounds disgusting!
DOT:Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "Mirror Mirror." Fill up your mug and click on over to fill your head. Comments and guesses as to what's going to happen next are always welcome!
I was sitting around the house yesterday evening after Hoop dipped off to school, and suddenly got the idea that I would paint the concrete outside. So I hopped in my car and drove off to Home Depot. It wasn't until I parked that I realized...
I hadn't changed out of my PJs.
How does someone DO that? I sat there for a minute, deliberating whether to go in or go home. Since I wasn't exposing anything, I decided to just go in and be quick about it. I didn't even feel that embarrassed.
That is until one of the clerks jokingly asked me, "Are you sleep walking or awake?" That's it. I'm revoking Home Depot's "God" status.
Daily Hoop Conversation: (In text messages) Tink: I love you. Hoop: I love you more. Tink: That's not possible. Hoop: Pfft. Whatever. Tink: You stole my "pfft!" Hoop: Mwahaha. It's mine now. Tink: And you stole my "Mwahaha." Hoop: So what if I did? Tink: "I am the Queen Of Cheese!" Ha. Steal that. ... Tink: You're not going to steal it, are you? Hoop: No. Tink: Damn. Foiled again.
What would Mr. Rogers do? (On phone, outside) Tink: You aren't going to believe this, but I can hear the neighbors having sex. Friend: Yell at them to close the window. Tink: You don't understand... They're OUTSIDE. Friend: Can you see them? Tink: Ew. No, Thank God. Friend: Kinky little bastards. Tink: So, what should I do? Friend: Go inside. Tink: I can't. They'll hear the door and then they'll know someone was listening! Friend: Does it bother you if they know? Tink: No. It bothers me if they know and don't care. Friend: True. Tink: I think they're done. Friend: That was quick. ... Friend: So, how do you think it was? Tink: Oh my God.
Today's Spam Mail: Pseudonym savvy from Isabella Hutchinson Veterinarian Malfunction from Joe Stinson Townhouse Gentry from Jess Boggs
Hoop Quote Of The Day: I dare you to go into that instrument store and ask for strings for your air guitar.
June Search Terms: (What people put into search engines that bring them here) 1. With my glasses R=T I rhink you need yout eyes te-checked. 2. The difference between an engagement ring and a wedding ring? A black eye if you get it wrong. 3. Keeps grabbing boobs Sounds like a personal problem. 4. My boobless boobs I'm going to let that little oxymoron slide and invite you into my Itty Bitty Titty Committee. 5. Everyone loves a colon scrape Right above a spinal tap.
Weekend Recap: 1. Being sick SUCKS. 2. Especially when you suddenly feel well Monday morning, just in time for work. 3. Hoop woke me up this morning by yelling, "Duuuuuude!" in his sleep. 4. I went to my parents house yesterday... 5. ...and heard a horse get the fart scared out of him. 6. To which I exclaimed, "That's it. I've seen it all!" 7. And Mom replied, "Well it IS your stepdad's horse." 8. Hoop and I went to see Nacho Libre on Friday. 9. I had to stop him from tripping the teenagers who blocked our view on their way to the bathroom. 10. Although after the ninth pass, my reaction time was getting slower and slower. 11. "Do you think they have a keg in there?!" 12. They didn't... Just a bunch of giggling girls comparing hickies. 13. When we left I counted no less than five young couples making out. 14. It was like walking out of a vampire convention. *Shudder* 15. Hoop and I went bathing suit shopping on Saturday. 16. It took him 3.5 minutes to find one he liked. 17. It took me an hour and a half to realize I wouldn't find one I liked. 18. Although Hoop was more than happy for me to model them for him a little longer. 19. By the time we got to the beach the sun was setting. "Well I guess we don't have to worry about sunscreen." 20. After I got back last night, Hoop and I went to visit his Grandpa for Father's Day. 21. He loved the cards. 22. All 26 times he read them.
Grandpa: What's this? Hoop: It's your Father's Day card, Grandpa. Grandpa: That's so nice! ... Grandpa: What's this?
23. Our first prospect is going to be looking at the house today around 1! 24. Which means I'm going to be worried all day whether or not I remembered to pick my underwear up off the back of the toilet seat. 25. And if my hair is all over the bathroom floor. "Hoop, I'm shaving my head!" 26. Here's to the start of an incredible misadventure.
Daily Hoop Conversation: TV: *Ding!* Hoop: What was that? Hoop's Mom: It was the TV. Hoop: No, I think someone's at the door. *Gets up to check* Tink: So? Hoop: No one. TV: *Ding!* Hoop: Now that was definitely the door. Hoop's Mom: You think so huh? Hoop: *Gets up to check* Tink: Well now I know where the dog gets it from.
B-List Blogger Chicks: I got my care package on Friday. Thank you to everyone who contributed! Everything was lovely. I laid all the gifts out on the counter and just stared at them for awhile. It felt like Christmas.
So I've decided to throw down some helpful suggestions on how to spice things up, since I'm too sick to think about doing actual work today. I hear Britney Spears is pregnant again. That's impressive in itself. But how about fixing her with a whole litter this time? That way if she drops a few of the kids, the rest will still have a fighting chance. THAT would be a miracle.
Of course you might be more in the mood for a plague. In which case might I suggest Washington DC? The Footinmouthitis you gave to Bush is pretty ingenious, but I think we'd all be more impressed if you made his mouth fall off altogether. You could always make an appearance again. Although you might want to choose a better location next time. You can't just stroll into Disney World and expect everyone to take notice. You're lucky those kids didn't beat you up on their way to see Mickey.
How are the angels? Tell Bruce his toilet paper is a huge success down here. And Cindy's looking slim on that new Cream Cheese diet of hers. It doesn't look like she'll need that wing extension after all. I hope you have a great weekend. Good luck on that pool tournament with Satan tonight. Try not to scratch the Earth again. Do consider my suggestions if you get hung up for stuff to do. I'll see you around!
Random Site Of Interest: I can't decide if this site is brilliant or just disturbing. They give celebrities "facials." Which might be considered an improvement in some cases.
Courtesy of Odd Mix: The words for this weekend are...
So get clicking!
Daily Hoop Conversation: (Overheard phone conversation) Hoop: So you're actually doing it huh? You're going into the military? ... Hoop: Well, I wish you luck man. And whatever you do, don't tell them you're gay. ... Hoop: Oh shit. I'm so sorry! I didn't know I was on speaker phone. I was just kidd- hello? Hello?
Things That Make You Go, "WTF?": 1. Never trust a bum with clean teeth. 2. I knew it was over when she picked up the kids in a Uhaul. 3. My instrument is my nose. I can blow and pick it too. 4. The most important supply during a hurricane is batteries... for my vibrator.
DOT: I will be updating the story on Monday, seeing as I'm really sick right now and not exactly in the best condition to take the lives of TT's characters in my hands. Unless you LIKE my most recent idea of pitting Tink against a giant fly swatter? ;)
5 Minutes Of Random Thoughts: Start. Does a crazy person know they're crazy? I keep telling people, "I'm going out of my mind." But I think the fact that I know this, rules out the option that I'm actually turning into a crazy person. Loony bins don't sound very fun. You can't have shoe laces... or pens... or conjugal visits. I wonder if they let crazy people watch "Girl Interrupted?" I bet they have a whole list of movies their patients can't watch, like: "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"... "Mulholland Drive"...and "Gigli". Because lets face it, if there's any movie that would make me want to stab a nurse in the face with a grape it's a movie that JLo stars in. Although Mariah Carey comes in as a close second. I'd rather watch an endless loop of Barney videos than sit through two hours of Mariah playing out the fantasy of what she wishes her life had REALLY been. You know who I would like to inflict that torture on though? My realtor. She rescheduled on me last minute yesterday. "Well at least the house is done," I thought while picking particles of dirt off the floor...with my fingers. So maybe a crazy person really does know they're crazy.End.
Tagged by FA: Birthday Meme Instructions Go to Wikipedia. In the Search box, type your birth month and day (but not year). January 29th
List three events that happened on your birthday. 1. 1595- William Shakespeare's play "Romeo and Juliet" was first performed. 2. 1936- The first inductees into the Baseball Hall of Fame were announced. 3. 2004- A whale exploded in the town of Tainan Taiwan, due to a build-up of gas in the decomposing 56 foot long Sperm whale.
List two important birthdays. 1. 1954- Oprah Winfrey (Do you think she'd give me a new car if I write her a letter gushing about how we share a birthday and then sprinkle it with water so she thinks I cried all over it?) 2. 1970- Heather Graham
List one interesting death. 1. 1820- Britain's King George III died insane at Windsor Castle.
One holiday or observance (if any). What, my birthday isn't holiday enough?
Daily Hoop Conversation: Hoop: The doctor says I should only do "light duty" for the next month. Tink: That's probably a good idea. Hoop: So that means I can't move any more boxes. Tink: Oh. Ok... Hoop: Or yard work. Tink: Uh, huh. Hoop: I probably shouldn't even be pushing this grocery cart. You know, in case someone from work sees me? Tink: Riiight. ... Tink: It's really going to suck for you for the next month. Hoop: Why do you say that? Tink: Well obviously if you can't handle a few boxes or yard work, we shouldn't be having sex either. Hoop: *Drops jaw* Tink: Didn't think about that, did you?
Around The Water Cooler: Tink: Look at that rain! It's like a waterfall. Co-worker: All we need now is some soap. Tink: *Blink* ... Tink: You are SO redneck. How the hell did I end up in this state? Co-worker: What did I say?!
The realtor is coming over this afternoon to take pictures of our house. She's a very nice lady (like a shark wearing lipstick). And I'm sure she won't judge me (to my face). So last night, in anticipation of our house guest, I came home with the intention of knocking out everything on the "Honey-Do" list. Hoop had school and I was looking forward to a five hour guilt-free-OCD-ADD cleaning frenzy. Well, that's how it was supposed to turn out.
Hoop ended up being sick and skipping out on school. The tropical storm that's rolling through decided to camp out on top of my damn house. I found that having a guilt-free-OCD-ADD cleaning frenzy is impossible when there's someone relaxing on your couch watching TV like we're not in some "desperate cleaning crisis."
And by now you're probably wondering where the hell Home Depot comes into all of this.
Blip forward about two hours. I found myself standing in front of replacement fan blades at Home Depot, seconds away from exploding into tears. It all started when I took down the existing blades to scrub off the putty that had held all those stupid glow stars on. Evidently putty turns into cement after being exposed to air too long. *Blip* Hoop ditches to play video games *Blip* I pretend the floor is Hoop's head and I throw a screwdriver at it. *Blip* We fight (Hoop and I, not the floor). *Blip* I drive off to Home Depot in a huff.
I stared at the limited selection of fan blades in front of me for thirty minutes, comparing and recomparing them to the one I held in my hand. "Why don't any of these have large holes like mine?! I'm standing here at 9 o'clock at night with absolutely no idea what I'm doing." My nose started to tingle. "I am NOT going to cry in the middle of Home Depot." And suddenly I spotted an employee.
The older gentlemen studied the blade for a minute. "We don't carry this. It's part of an easy assembly fan." I felt my body take on weight. "Don't panic. It's OK," he told me reassuringly. "They're reversible." I looked up at him suddenly. He laughed at the look of confusion on my face. "See this button? You just press it and it all comes apart. Then you just flip the blade and resnap it together." It was that simple.
"Oh my God. You just made my night! Thank you SO much! I can't even tell you how much this helps. I mean seriously, THANK YOU!" I think my profession of gratitude startled the employee. He took a few steps back and than erupted into laughter.
Talk about overkill. I bet that man has never met someone so appreciative over a stupid fan blade in his entire life.
I took the blade back and marched toward the front of the store. "The people at Home Depot are GODS," I told my Mom over the phone on the way out. There was a chuckle behind me. When I turned around, it was to a whole crew of young male stockers. And every single one of them had heard me. I blushed and told my Mom I'd call her back. The stockers grinned like fools, wished me good-night, and asked if I needed help to my car... Help carrying what, my lone fan blade?
Mom says you can't make up stories that good.
June Search Terms: (What people put into search engines that bring them here) 1. Cannoli filling like Walmart LOL. What? You mean cheap and tasteless? 2. Social pariah Gee, Thanks. You know, you wear coke bottle glasses and an eye patch for a few years as a kid and they NEVER let you live it down. 3. Dad saddle -- for when little kids "ride horsey" on their dad's back Thank you, because we needed that clarified. 4. Yakety yak teeth 5. Cum Man Man Man Do you stutter? Or is that an echo?
I could blame my absence on Friday to Blogger's irritating antics. But to be honest, I don't know why I didn't post. I didn't even try. As of late my life has become a series of chaotic blips. I feel like I'm jumping through time. *Blip* It's Saturday. *Blip* I'm driving somewhere? *Blip* I want to pull over and splash in some farmer's wet field. *Blip* The alarm is going off for work. *Blip* I'm at the coffee pot, wondering when I put on clothes. I feel like the guy in Garden State. Only, sometimes I'm not the person sitting on the couch as the world whips by. Sometimes I'm the madness itself.
Weekend Recap: 1. Evidently kid friendly paint is only friendly on kids. 2. On concrete it becomes indestructible, able to defeat the power of Goof Off, Concrete Cleaner, and Turpentine... 3. ...Not to mention one pissed off house owner wielding a Brillo pad. 4. The transmission on my Mom's car went berserk as we were driving around town Friday. 5. So I told her to pull into a parking space. 6. Which of course we couldn't back out of once we were in. 7. Hoop and I worked on the yard Saturday. I learned many valuable lessons that day. 8. You should never walk behind a weed-eater. 9. You should always mulch AFTER you use a blower. 10. If you stick a hot plastic cup over the top of a fence post it will constrict once it cools down and get stuck. 11. I'll give you one guess which mistake Hoop made. 12. The house I made an offer on (with the view) just backed out of our contract. 13. I had a dream it was going to fall through. 14. I also had a dream my dog was bit by a snake that turned into a cat when Hoop stomped on it. 15. So I don't put a lot of faith in the things I dream. 16. The good news is, my current house is finally going on the market Wednesday!
*Scream* Blogger just went down again. This is ridiculous. Once I get some free time I'm going to follow Momma T, Odd Mix and MrsPao's lead and kiss Blogger good-bye. I'm not partial to riding on sinking ships.
17. I met a guy who bragged he had three girlfriends. 18. Which reminded me of my Dad, who had six girlfriends when I was 11. 19. Their names were Cheryl, Carol, Sheryl, Carol, Sheryl, and Denise. 20. I was a very confused little kid. 21. My father was even more confused. He always described the relationships as "platonic." 22. It took me twelve years to realize he thought "platonic" meant they weren't serious. 23. Last night Hoop and I related stories of our mischievous youth. 24. I realized no matter how much I feel like I can relate, there's a HUGE difference between little girls and little boys. 25. I would NEVER have dared my friends to poop on a plate.
Last night Hoop and I went out to buy lotto tickets. Evidently, he doesn't think my idea of finding the winning one on the ground is very good. As we sat in the trunk of my car:
Hoop: Give me six numbers. Tink: I already filled out two of those. Hoop: Well, open that newspaper and look for the horoscopes. Tink: It's not an Asian paper hon. What we need is a fortune cookie. Hoop: Yeah, well I- Tink: What? Hoop: You're not going to believe this.
And I'll be damned if he didn't just swoop down and pick up a fortune cookie fortune off the ground. Of course we played the numbers. We didn't win. But I think I know which six numbers we'll be playing from now on.
Americanized/Redneck/Spanish/Hindu Japanese Dining: Hoop gets freaked out every time we dine at our local Japanese steak house. I think it's because no one there is Japanese. The last time we went, our waitress was Spanish and didn't speak a lick of English. This time we were seated at a table with three Hindus and a Redneck family. It sounds like the start to a bad joke doesn't it?
The Hindus nodded blankly at everything that was said and got offended when the waitress offered them chopsticks. "No, no. FORK!" The Hindu woman barked, shoving the chopsticks back across the table. The Redneck Mom smiled at me, exposing the gaps in her mouth where teeth had been knocked out. Unless they've started genetically mutating to be born without them. It would save out on a lot of hassle.
Hoop and I delicately picked at our eel and shrimp while the Rednecks to the right dug into steak, medium rare, like homeless people at a free buffet. "There isn't enough food here," the Redneck dad complained, dropping rice down the front of his wife-beater. "Order somethin' else den," replied the son. "It's too expensive!" Snapped the wife. An argument ensued and the Hindus all smiled like we were part of some inside joke. "Check please!" Hoop called out.
"$111," I choked as I read the bill. "That can't be right!" And then I noticed the waitress had charged us for everyone at the table. She apologized and said, "I just thought you were being nice." To which I called her a "Dingbat" and was cheered on loudly by the Redneck family. "You tell 'er sista!" The Redneck Mom shouted, flashing me those pearly whites her busted grill. Being in Florida is like living at the zoo. Only minus the useful cages...
Daily Hoop Conversation: Tink: If I had clone, I'd set her up in different situations to see how I'd react to them. Hoop: That's kind of cruel. If it was your clone, it would think and act exactly like you do now. How would you feel if you were just someone's experiment? Tink: Oh... Well, when you put it that way. I'd be like, "Later! I'm starting my own damn life." Hoop: *Looks offended* You'd just give me up? Tink: I'd have to give you up! I'd already have you. Hoop: What? Tink: I mean, the real me would already have you. But don't worry, if I really missed you I could always come back and kill the real me so I could take her place. Hoop: That's so sweet babe.
Hoop Quote Of The Day: "Do you think they'd do electrolysis on someone's nuts?"
Tink Quote Of The Day: "Would killing your clone be considered murder or suicide?"
Daily Hoop Conversation 2 Hoop: I just realized, the dogs are at your Mom's. We don't have to rush home tonight. We can do whatever we want! Tink: You're right! That's a first. Hoop: So, what do you want to do? Tink: You want to walk down town? Hoop: No. A movie? Tink: No. Barnes and Nobles? Hoop: No. Putt-Putt? Tink: No. ... Hoop: You just want to go home? Tink: Yeah. Hoop: Ok. Me too. Tink: I miss the dogs.
As I told Alien this morning, "I had so many emails in my box titled, 'Black Blog' and 'It's all black!' I thought I'd been put on a porn mailing list. But noooo. Nothing quite so fun. Blogger's just kicking me around as usual. I swear to God if it weren't free I'd be sending them hate mail about now." Speaking of Alien, you really should swing by her blog. She's got a picture of a hermaphrodite Bambi on there. Antlers + Deer Tits = seriously fucked up artist. I would have told her my theory personally, if Blogger's black hole would stop eating my damn comments.
Btw... To those of you who sent concerned emails yesterday and today, thank you. It was totally unexpected and I can't explain how much it meant. It just further confirms what a wonderful and caring group of people I've landed among. And I want you all to know, I will remember you when I win the lotto. I don't know when or where, but one day I'm going to find the winning ticket on the ground. And then I'll have just one question... Cash or gold bars?
Crap. There goes Blogger again. We should all start using Blogger catch-phrases. Like, "Blogger goes down quicker than Bush's ratings each time he opens his mouth." Or, "Which has slower progress, Blogger or Legless Turtles? Blogger. At least the turtles can't travel backwards." Did you know if you type "Blogger Sucks" into Google you get 9,310,000 results? It might also be interesting to note that Google OWNS Blogger. Next thing you know, Paris Hilton is going to be making "self help" books. Ahhh. There we go. Back for the moment.
Hoop Quote Of The Day: "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"
Daily Hoop Conversation: Hoop: We need to come up with a really great business idea. Tink: I know. Your t-shirt idea was good. But I think we can do better. Hoop: Yeah... Like "Pocket Flan."
Today's Spam Mail: Commonwealth Leave from Sammy Waller Navigate Fish from Ed Webber Grinder Inhabitant from Sanders Burks
Do I Pay You To Talk? Tink: What are you working on right now? Painter: Sanding the plaster down where all those holes in your wall used to be. Tink: Excellent. Painter: Word of advice... Tink: Oh-kay. Painter: Get a bigger dart board.
June Search Terms: (What people put into search engines that bring them here) 1. Arabella fart LOL! You want to handle this Arabella? 2. X Well it does mark the spot. 3. superhero with no powers and no motivation That's me. Couch Potato Woman! Able to channel surf at three times the speed of light. 4. Innie Bra What does that mean?! Are they so small they sink in?
Weekend Recap: 1. Hoop is my hero. 2. Friday night he picked up a U-Haul trailer so I wouldn't have to load all the furniture myself Saturday morning. 3. Of course it took me catching him having a drink with the boys instead of packing, and then throwing a explosive tantrum. 4. I've never seen a man dial a phone so fast in my life! 5. Yesterday we went to the beach with Hoop's family... 6. ... and came home looking like Lobster People. 7. Hoop keeps grabbing my "goods" and then innocently explaining, "they're the only things not burnt." 8. Riiiight. 9. Applying cold aloe on someone else is funny... 10. ...until it's your turn. 11. While parking down town for dinner last night we bumped into a tourist with our car. 12. Don't tisk me like that. They're fair game. It's "Tourist Season." 13. Besides, he was just standing there in the road, WATCHING us back into the spot he was standing in. 14. It's not like we broke both his legs. 15. Oh fine! He wasn't hurt... You happy?
Tragedy: I bet the lobsters in this claw game wish people would just stick to candy and stuffed animal prizes.
A dead horseshoe crab. Tourists pelted it with batteries and cups to see if it would move.
Triumph: We've finally discovered the lost city of Atlantis!
These beach trees never grow leaves. Instead, they tilt away from the ocean with branches that look like roots. It's the way they've adapted to survive.
(Some random weekend pictures)
Dolphin Fin Always a good-luck sign.
A Temporary Bridge
The Cross In Rose Light
Daily Hoop Conversation: (While walking on the beach) Tink: What is that?! Hoop: *Flips it over* Oh my God. Are those eye sockets? Tink: That's no jellyfish. Hoop: I think it's an alligator head. Tink: *Squints and stares* You're right! But alligators aren't in salt water. Hoop: Look it has a... spine? Tink: But a head wouldn't have a- Woman sitting nearby: -It's a chicken breast. ... Tink and Hoop: Oh.
Hoop Quote Of The Day Do you know what "stripper" names are good for? Pets.
Not Far From The Tree: ("Spaz" is Hoop's 5 year old nephew) Spaz: What's that? Tink: My purse strap? Spaz: No, that small thing. Tink: My necklace? Spaz: No. Why's it SO small? Tink: That spot on my shirt? Spaz: No, that. Tink: My boob?! Spaz: Yeah, why's it so small? Tink: Thanks Spaz. Why don't you ask your Mom when you get home?
(My apologies to everyone whose blog I didn't get to check and comment on today. I promise I'll make up for it tomorrow. Thanks again for all your support and advice.)
Anyone know astrology? Because I'm under the impression my stars have aligned to form a great big "F-You" sign. It's just a hunch; I can't be sure.
It all started with duel zombie attacks from two unwelcome exes. Hoop's called at three am. Mine stopped by the house to chat with the neighbors while I was gone. Of course our past would rise from the dead just as we are shipping out from the graveyard. You kill the undead with stakes to the heart right? Or was it holy water? Country music? I'm sorry, that's MY form of torture.
And just when I thought the worst was surely over, Blogger threw up all over my Friday post.
So here's to a better weekend! Tomorrow I'm loading Papa Bear's Bubba truck with as many boxes and furniture as my little body can lift. Hoop has to work. *Mumble*Luckybastard*Mumble* I've been making intricate doodles of pulley and ramp systems all day in my appointment book. If the Egyptians could do it, why can't I? My only hope is that Monday finds me a little bit lighter, both in possessions and in stress.
Courtesy of Odd Mix: The words for this weekend are...
So get clicking!
Daily Hoop Conversation: Hoop: Do you see that guy over there? Tink: Which one? Hoop: The one wearing the khaki shorts, flip flops, t-shirt and visor. Tink: Yeah, what about him? Hoop: He stole my style! Tink: How do you know you had it first? Hoop: Because MY clothes don't fit anymore.
Last night you might have caught me streaking through the house clutching an orange button-down shirt and laughing like a madwoman. And then you would have noticed the big guy chasing after me and yelling, "Not the fucking trash can!" It all started when I asked Hoop to pack some of his clothes. "You can throw away some of the ones you don't wear while you're at it." But as I packed boxes on the other side of the bed, I noticed Hoop's pile of rejects wasn't growing at all.
Tink: Why aren't you throwing anything away? Hoop: Well, I'm going to wear them all... eventually. Tink: No you're not. How about that orange shirt? I've NEVER seen you wear that. Hoop: That's my favorite shirt! Tink: They're all your favorite shirts. Besides, it's ugly. Hoop: *Gasp* It is not! This shirt is Goooorgeous. Tink: It's orange. Hoop: So? Tink: It's ugly. Hoop: I'm sorry you think so... Because this is the shirt I'm going to wear out from now on. Tink: Not with me you're not. Hoop: Fine. I'll find someone else to go out with it in. Tink: Grrrrr.
And then I grabbed it and ran.
I made it all the way outside before I realized I had no idea what I was going to DO with it. Hoop was two seconds away, barreling through the house like a crazed bull. "Oh shit. WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?" So I threw it over the fence... Right into the dirt. Smooth. Of course Hoop retrieved it. Then he wore it for the rest of the night proclaiming loudly, "I make this shirt look good!" Is the shirt ugly or gorgeous? You decide:
May Hit Statistics: 1. The leading country for visits on my blog was the US and Canada. 2. The primary day for hits was Tuesday. 3. The most popular hour being 2 pm. 4. The #1 referrer was tied between Mignon and Planet Alien. 5. The most used search term was, "Yodeling in the canyon of love." 6. My favorite search term was, "Bowel movement-jalapenos".
31 Quirks for 31 Days: 1. I'm a compulsive hand washer. 2. But "Jiffy" feet don't bother me at all. 3. I ate dry cat food when I was little. 4. My babysitter told me it was vitamins. 5. I should have known there was no fish shaped Flintstone. 6. I don't think I'll ever have a nice car. 7. My newest car was six years old. 8. My oldest was eighteen. 9. I think that's why I daydream about running into other cars. 10. My nickname at work is, "The Binder Queen." 11. It's better than some of the other people's: Powder, Little Hitler, Porkchop, and Monkey Love. 11. I have a coworker who is pack rat. 12. I've taken advantage of her numerous times while cleaning house. 13. The last batch of freebees I gave her contained a bed net, a fairy statue, four packs of stickers, and an old black and white TV. 14. I forced myself to like coffee. 15. Now I'm addicted. :) 16. Sometimes, I pee in the shower. 17. I throw away socks if I can't find their match. 18. I used to wish I had friends. 19. So I compensated by becoming busy instead. 20. Now I wish I weren't so busy. 21. Other people's grandparents creep me out a little bit. 22. In ninth grade I hooked my ex-boyfriend up with another friend so he would leave me alone. 23. I saw them a couple months ago. They got married last year. 24. My dogs are trained to cage themselves when I spray on perfume. 25. I think cigarettes should be considered a drug. 26. But I'm not sure I believe marijuana is. 27. I'm extremely cautious with my money. 28. Unless I'm spending it on food. 29. I once ran up a credit card on groceries alone. 30. And then I ran up my electric bill by opening and closing the fridge to look at it. 31. A full fridge is like art.