Honeymoon: Last Day

Previously on Pickled Beef...
Day 1 & 2 (Key West)
Day 3 (Cozumel)
Day 3 Continued (Cozumel- Maya Ruins)
Day 4 (Belize)
Day 4 Continued (Belize- River Tubing)

I got a massage once while in Orlando on vacation. It was wonderful. I vowed to get one at least twice a month after that. Four years later, I got another. Before Hoop and I left for our honeymoon, my Mom stuffed a hundred dollar bill in my palm and told me to treat myself to something nice. Hoop thought that meant booze. I, on the other hand, had my eye on the day spa of our ship. I'd have been better off buying the alcohol. Nothing on a ship is cheap. Even the food, which is "free".

It's like dining at an all-you-can-eat (and-not-barf) buffet. Unless you pick your selections wisely, you're probably just wasting your money on a really expensive salad and some popcorn shrimp. The day we boarded, I realized I'd forgotten to pack our toothbrushes, toothpaste and shaving cream. We went to the little supply shop on board, where we bought low-grade versions of those items for $4 each. There was a moment in my frugal mind where I contemplated scrubbing my teeth with my finger and salt water instead.

Back to the massage. It wasn't until the last day, our day at sea, that I took a good look at the day spa prices. I had naively assumed that it would be affordable enough that Hoop and I could treat ourselves to it without completely blowing the rest of our funds. Hoop had never had a professional massage before and I, as mentioned before, should have been on my 96th by then. "*An arm and a leg!" Hoop exclaimed when I showed him the flier. "Actually, it would be TWO arms and legs," I mumbled. "An arm and a leg EACH?!" But I was determined.

So what if Hoop was out of work and I made little more than a second manager at McDonalds? We were on our honeymoon! It started off pleasant enough. The masseuses doused us in peppermint oil and turned on the mood music. It was a lot less budget porn than I just made it sound, really. All was going well until fifteen minutes into the treatment, when my masseuse stopped massaging and started playing with my hair instead. The hair on my HEAD. Stay with me people! I remember thinking, "Well this is odd." Followed by, "Does she still have oil on her hands?"

After playing with my hair she moved on to tickling the bottoms of my hands and feet. At one point, I swear she was doodling the alphabet. Not long after, my masseuse shuffled off. It was dark and I was on my stomach. I thought about calling out to Hoop to make sure he was still there, but then I heard the masseuse shuffling back. Apparently, she'd just stepped away to get her cowbell. After ringing it, like some actor signifying the end of a second act, her and the other masseuse left us to dress.

"That was weird," I mumbled to Hoop before the two came back in. They handed us glasses of warm water and then proceeded to try and sell us every massage oil and lotion known to man. I left feeling like I'd been to a timeshare seminar. "That was NOT what a massage is supposed to be like," I told Hoop when we left. "I'm going to schedule us a real one as soon as we get back!" We've been back for almost two months now. Have we gone for massages yet? Nope. That puts me at 99... and counting.

The rest of the day was spent laying out in the sun and fighting old people for claim on the hot tubs. It wasn't hard. We just pushed them over. I'm kidding! We told them there was Bingo three floors down. All in all, our honeymoon was just as awesome as I had hoped it would be. I would recommend taking a cruise to anyone. I can't wait until Hoop and I take another. If anyone knows of someone looking to pay a permanent honeymooner, I'm their gal. I'll even do it if there aren't monkeys. Although, monkeys would be a bonus.

*Not the actual price.

Have a wonderful weekend Homebloys!