Friday, January 09, 2009

Honeymoon: Last Day

Previously on Pickled Beef...
Day 1 & 2 (Key West)
Day 3 (Cozumel)
Day 3 Continued (Cozumel- Maya Ruins)
Day 4 (Belize)
Day 4 Continued (Belize- River Tubing)

I got a massage once while in Orlando on vacation. It was wonderful. I vowed to get one at least twice a month after that. Four years later, I got another. Before Hoop and I left for our honeymoon, my Mom stuffed a hundred dollar bill in my palm and told me to treat myself to something nice. Hoop thought that meant booze. I, on the other hand, had my eye on the day spa of our ship. I'd have been better off buying the alcohol. Nothing on a ship is cheap. Even the food, which is "free".

It's like dining at an all-you-can-eat (and-not-barf) buffet. Unless you pick your selections wisely, you're probably just wasting your money on a really expensive salad and some popcorn shrimp. The day we boarded, I realized I'd forgotten to pack our toothbrushes, toothpaste and shaving cream. We went to the little supply shop on board, where we bought low-grade versions of those items for $4 each. There was a moment in my frugal mind where I contemplated scrubbing my teeth with my finger and salt water instead.

Back to the massage. It wasn't until the last day, our day at sea, that I took a good look at the day spa prices. I had naively assumed that it would be affordable enough that Hoop and I could treat ourselves to it without completely blowing the rest of our funds. Hoop had never had a professional massage before and I, as mentioned before, should have been on my 96th by then. "*An arm and a leg!" Hoop exclaimed when I showed him the flier. "Actually, it would be TWO arms and legs," I mumbled. "An arm and a leg EACH?!" But I was determined.

So what if Hoop was out of work and I made little more than a second manager at McDonalds? We were on our honeymoon! It started off pleasant enough. The masseuses doused us in peppermint oil and turned on the mood music. It was a lot less budget porn than I just made it sound, really. All was going well until fifteen minutes into the treatment, when my masseuse stopped massaging and started playing with my hair instead. The hair on my HEAD. Stay with me people! I remember thinking, "Well this is odd." Followed by, "Does she still have oil on her hands?"

After playing with my hair she moved on to tickling the bottoms of my hands and feet. At one point, I swear she was doodling the alphabet. Not long after, my masseuse shuffled off. It was dark and I was on my stomach. I thought about calling out to Hoop to make sure he was still there, but then I heard the masseuse shuffling back. Apparently, she'd just stepped away to get her cowbell. After ringing it, like some actor signifying the end of a second act, her and the other masseuse left us to dress.

"That was weird," I mumbled to Hoop before the two came back in. They handed us glasses of warm water and then proceeded to try and sell us every massage oil and lotion known to man. I left feeling like I'd been to a timeshare seminar. "That was NOT what a massage is supposed to be like," I told Hoop when we left. "I'm going to schedule us a real one as soon as we get back!" We've been back for almost two months now. Have we gone for massages yet? Nope. That puts me at 99... and counting.

The rest of the day was spent laying out in the sun and fighting old people for claim on the hot tubs. It wasn't hard. We just pushed them over. I'm kidding! We told them there was Bingo three floors down. All in all, our honeymoon was just as awesome as I had hoped it would be. I would recommend taking a cruise to anyone. I can't wait until Hoop and I take another. If anyone knows of someone looking to pay a permanent honeymooner, I'm their gal. I'll even do it if there aren't monkeys. Although, monkeys would be a bonus.

*Not the actual price.

Have a wonderful weekend Homebloys!



At 09 January, 2009, Blogger furiousBall said...

I liked this post a lot, but I think it could have used some more rocket launchers, maybe a sexy double agent that wants to learn how to love again (she has flash backs of her father who was also a double agent and his dying words were "don't forget to love someone... like me"), and maybe a car crash at the end that takes the life of the local high school's college recruited quarter back who was just trying to make it out of this one horse town.

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Knight said...

Right when you mentioned that you were getting a massage on a cruise I started wondering who they would hire to do that job. I'm thinking the person playing with your hair had no freakin idea what they were really supposed to be doing. They probably make 4% of whatever you paid them and the rest of their job is cleaning rooms.
Maybe the 100th try is the charm?

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Gary's third pottery blog said...

I have wicked strong and sensitive hands and I am a kick-ass massuse. But you two aren't likely to be in snowy northern NY anytime soon, but maybe I should put out a shingle? I could serve popcorn and beers and then one massage followed by the other and then maybe some more beers. And burritos.
I'm not touching guys though.

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Reb said...

That is so sad that the massage was weird. Um, and peppermint oil is invigorating not relaxing so WTF?

I hope you get proper massages soon!

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger LL said...

I thought you were going to reveal that the "fake massage" was performed by Hoop and that you all had a good laugh afterwards...

Sadly... I was wrong.

At 09 January, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

On my annual girls' weekend last year, we splurged on massages. We each got a different kind (hot stone, basic/normal, and facial). The gal who got the facial ended up with oil being massaged/stroked into her hair at the end. Her FRESHLY WASHED hair. And then we went winery hopping with her greasy hair.

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Tawcan said...

Yeah that massage definitely sounds kinda weird. Maybe I should be careful if I ever get a massage on the cruise.

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Jay said...

I've never had a massage. I looked at the menu .. uh .. prices at the spa in the Golden Nugget in Vegas once when we were there. I thought it seemed pretty reasonable, but decided not to do it.

I'm a little touchy about being touched by people I don't know. But someday I might give it a try.

And, someday I'm going to take a cruise too. I want to very badly. I think I want to cruise to Alaska, but the Caribbean would be so much fun too. And maybe Mexico. Or possibly just a trip to an all-inclusive resort like Paradise Island. Nope, the cruise would be better.

If I ever find a cruise that takes people someplace where there are monkeys, I'll sign us all up!

Which reminds me. A blog cruise would be a blast. That's my New Years Resolution for 2010.

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Woman in a Window said...

Touching hair and tickling feet? Are you sure you went in through the right door?

I went in for a prof. massage once and it felt great! And then I had my head crooked upsidedown like a bird I once knew, for an entire month. Ow.

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Lynnea said...

In the end, it did sound like low budget porn. But if that were the real price mentioned, we'd have to call you guys the Gimpys, ha ha ha.

All in all, it sounds like a lot of fun. We're hoping to take a cruise someday too. *wistful sigh*

---we'll avoid the spa

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger meno said...

Last time i got a massage the lady massaged my butt for a while. That was weird and i kept hoping i wouldn't fart.

Not very relaxing.

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger musingwoman said...

I've never had a massage...well, not one I paid for anyway, but the tickling thing does sound strange.

Glad you enjoyed your honeymoon. :)

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Chris said...

Massaging monkeys, maybe?

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

meno made me laugh. I have to say, in all honesty, a butt massage is great. But, I wouldn't have it done by a stranger -- licensed or not.

DH will do it once in awhile though. It is AMAZING the stress it releases and how much pressure our poor little bums tolerate. Seriously, think about it!

I did have a real massage once for my birthday by Sweet D. I wish I could have told the Gal not to worry about this and that, but to do the feet and calves doubly, and the arms and hands....and, the back along the spine....and not to use her knuckles.

Next time. They really should come with a picture of a body and a place to note what you want and where (though, the privates off [OFF] limits, of course).

Happy Belated HoneyMoon!!!!

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

Oh, WV:

"fiblogy: the artistry of fibbing; the science of fibbology; the study of fibbing and all it entails.


At 09 January, 2009, Blogger Pamer said...

awwww i can tell you i was NOT looking forward to this day. The Last Day Of Honeymoon...i thought about only reading a paragraph or a few sentences each day so that i could make it last.

Alas...i read it all in one go.

Thanks for taking us on your trip ...the whole things sounds so good.

I've only had two massages in my life both were nice...but i still have a slight phobia (aversion) to having a stranger touch me. Seems creepy

At 09 January, 2009, Blogger flutter said...

I think you lie. I think that was PRECISELY the price

At 10 January, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A spa WITH booze would have been the best of both worlds.

At 10 January, 2009, Blogger the planet of janet said...

you TOTALLY need to get a REAL massage. that one was a rip.

At 12 January, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When booking for a massage, you need to check out what kind you are getting. The only kind I'll get is a deep tissue. The rest are for sissys IMHO. And anything you get on a cruise ship is expensive... except on the last day of the cruise when they slash prices! You can get some great bargains. Foo & I got our t-shirts that day and scored with some good deals.

And I'll volunteer as well if you need someone to accompany you on a cruise. They rock!

At 12 January, 2009, Blogger Janet said...

I had to cancel my last massage; I try to get one every two months, so I'm past due! And man, do I need one LOL!

At 12 January, 2009, Blogger Hilary said...

Your fake massage kind of reminded me of this faux facial from the Ellen show.


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