Hey Newt! Remember that glowing review I gave about my dogs? Yeah, well...
Meet Culprit #1
Jazzi Nizzle (AKA Football)
Duff (AKA Paneader, Panty-eater)
Hoop got home about thirty minutes before I did yesterday. I was greeted by the dogs as I walked in the door. It was then that I noticed Jazzi's back. It was completed covered in brown stuff. I bent over to get a closer look and realized the brown "stuff" was actually shit. "Oh my God!" I yelled as Hoop came over for kisses. "The dog rolled in poop!" If I hadn't been so panicked, the look of confusion that crossed his face might have been funny. "How didn't I catch that?" He asked. Then it dawned on me. Jazzi had been covered in shit, inside, unsupervised for the last thirty minutes.
I sent Hoop on a poop hunt as I stripped down and washed the dog. There's nothing quite like watching little shit balls bob around in a tub you JUST washed. The word "sobering" comes to mind. After the dog had been bathed and locked up to dry, Hoop and I ran through the house looking for more aftermath. I was upset when I found some on the carpet and wall, horrified when I found it on the brand new suede comforter. But finding it on the couch was the last straw. "Why does this ALWAYS happen? We are never going to own nice things!" I grumbled while scrubbing up the last spot.
Then Duff threw up.
He managed to hit the one area of carpet I hadn't needed to clean.
Apparently, he was disgusted by the situation too.
Road Rage: On the way home from work yesterday I was cut off by a large truck carrying a boat. Which wouldn't have been bad if the driver had decided to drive the minimum speed limit. It didn't help that we were on a no-pass stretch of road followed by a series of impassable hills. I seethed from behind my wheel and thought of a new book idea. The title is, "If you're going to fuck with rush hour traffic, have the decency to leave your fucking boat behind." Too long? I'm thinking of shortening it to "Work is better than fishing anyway."
Sometime after the truck cut me off, we arrived at the stoplight at the end of the road. It's an unspoken rule that the people going left squeeze as far to that side as they can. That way the people turning right can drive on the shoulder and not have to wait until the light turns green. So I made sure the truck in front of me didn't have its right turn signal on, then I cut to the side to pass. Only, there was a cop ahead of him who was also turning right but not following the "ride on shoulder" rule. So I waited in the dirt.
It probably would have been fine too, had the truck carrying the boat not wanted to turn right as well. But instead of using his turn signal, he decided to lay on his horn and flick me off. The light turned green and I moved quickly to pass him, pinning myself between the truck and the cop. Ten minutes later, the cop in front broke sharply to the right, letting me pass only to get in behind me. "This is it," I thought. But the siren never sounded. He rode my ass for fifteen minutes before turning off. With him went the truck carrying the boat. I think it's a conspiracy.
What do you have to bitch about? Go ahead. Lay it on me.