Thursday, April 26, 2007

Bitchfest '07

Hey Newt! Remember that glowing review I gave about my dogs? Yeah, well...

Meet Culprit #1

Jazzi Nizzle (AKA Football)

Culprit #2

Duff (AKA Paneader, Panty-eater)

Hoop got home about thirty minutes before I did yesterday. I was greeted by the dogs as I walked in the door. It was then that I noticed Jazzi's back. It was completed covered in brown stuff. I bent over to get a closer look and realized the brown "stuff" was actually shit. "Oh my God!" I yelled as Hoop came over for kisses. "The dog rolled in poop!" If I hadn't been so panicked, the look of confusion that crossed his face might have been funny. "How didn't I catch that?" He asked. Then it dawned on me. Jazzi had been covered in shit, inside, unsupervised for the last thirty minutes.

I sent Hoop on a poop hunt as I stripped down and washed the dog. There's nothing quite like watching little shit balls bob around in a tub you JUST washed. The word "sobering" comes to mind. After the dog had been bathed and locked up to dry, Hoop and I ran through the house looking for more aftermath. I was upset when I found some on the carpet and wall, horrified when I found it on the brand new suede comforter. But finding it on the couch was the last straw. "Why does this ALWAYS happen? We are never going to own nice things!" I grumbled while scrubbing up the last spot.

Then Duff threw up.

He managed to hit the one area of carpet I hadn't needed to clean.

Apparently, he was disgusted by the situation too.

Road Rage: On the way home from work yesterday I was cut off by a large truck carrying a boat. Which wouldn't have been bad if the driver had decided to drive the minimum speed limit. It didn't help that we were on a no-pass stretch of road followed by a series of impassable hills. I seethed from behind my wheel and thought of a new book idea. The title is, "If you're going to fuck with rush hour traffic, have the decency to leave your fucking boat behind." Too long? I'm thinking of shortening it to "Work is better than fishing anyway."

Sometime after the truck cut me off, we arrived at the stoplight at the end of the road. It's an unspoken rule that the people going left squeeze as far to that side as they can. That way the people turning right can drive on the shoulder and not have to wait until the light turns green. So I made sure the truck in front of me didn't have its right turn signal on, then I cut to the side to pass. Only, there was a cop ahead of him who was also turning right but not following the "ride on shoulder" rule. So I waited in the dirt.

It probably would have been fine too, had the truck carrying the boat not wanted to turn right as well. But instead of using his turn signal, he decided to lay on his horn and flick me off. The light turned green and I moved quickly to pass him, pinning myself between the truck and the cop. Ten minutes later, the cop in front broke sharply to the right, letting me pass only to get in behind me. "This is it," I thought. But the siren never sounded. He rode my ass for fifteen minutes before turning off. With him went the truck carrying the boat. I think it's a conspiracy.

What do you have to bitch about? Go ahead. Lay it on me.

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25 Comments:

At 26 April, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

Oliver isn't napping and when I went up to check on him I found him covered in shit. AGAIN. It was on his face this time, under his fingernails, on the floor and all over his socks.

I GIVE UP. I am sick to death of cleaning up FECES.

This is my way of saying I feel your pain, your poo pain.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger Laurasia said...

Today is my birthday and I'm not really all that happy about it. I hate that other peoples moods effect me. Now, I'm in this bum-glum mood and no cake to stuff my face with. Well, at least not yet. Probably never...who eats cakes anyway?!

Was that griping, cause I might be horrible at it.

Sorry about the poo.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

It must have been Universal Dog Puke day. My boyblinddog managed to barf the entire contents of his stomach in one "urp". It was rather impressive actually. But then, I had to figure out how to back him up and not have him STEP in it (blind) and simultaneously grab papertowels and cleaner. Fortunately after screaming the boyfriends name 5 times, he came out of the cave to help. Ass. SO I guess I am bitching about the bf not the puke. heh.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger butterfly girl said...

Don't ever have kids.

The minute the bathroom is clean my hubby thinks it's time to shave.

When I pull the fridge out for it's MONTHLY cleaning underneath it's a nightmare. Then within two days there is a gallon of tea or milk spilled and it rolls right underneath.

As soon as I finish the dishes, that took like all night, hubby presents me with dirty dishes from the living room. ALWAYS after the dishwasher is on and the water is down the drain.

The minute I sit down and think to myself how wonderful it is to rest my legs and back, someone is deathly afraid to go to the bathroom alone.

After I plan my whole weekend, two children present me with birthday invites they got a week ago.

After shampooing the carpet someone always comes through with a plate of spaghetti or some other like substance. I refuse to feed them ANYMORE!!

I HATE IT when someone pulls out in front of you and then goes two miles an hour.

I despise when people pay with a check. They make cards now! There should be an aisle strictly for the checkbook people.

Is that enough? Cause I could proably come up with lots more!

*L*You asked.


PS I hate word verification over five letters long. I always fuck it up the first time.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger Sunshine said...

Thank you for making me rock back and forth in a corner, mumbling incoherently in fear of my brand spankin new status as a dog owner.
F*ck.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger Kim: The Mom, The Myth said...

Awww...wook at dose widdle faces!!! ***SMOOCH*** They are just too stinkin' cute!

Bitch of the day: Effing clients and effing deadlines and effing VOICEMAILS.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Eeeeek! Bad doggies.

Earlier this week, I was eating dinner and noticed a strange smear on an envelope on the table... Turned out SOMEONE (ahem-may-ahem) didn't clean their butt very well and then lounged on the table (no cats on the table!!!). EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger Mary said...

Well you are now offically ready for kids....

I Hate traffic shit like that. I get soooooo pissed off and I really really really have to refrain from letting of a strain of fuck fuck shit, you mother fucking piece of shit if my kids are with me.....

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

wow... after reading your story AND all the comments, suddenly my day seems to be going a LOT better than I thought!

Poor Tink, I would have been pissed off too if that had happened to my new sofa! My dog doesn't roll in it, thank god, but her best trick is to have a "not so fresh" butt moment early in the morning, and then come back in through the dog door and jump up on the bed with us while we're still sleeping. Imagine waking up to that!

Hugs, girlita, hope it gets better.

lovins,
fiwa

 
At 26 April, 2007, Anonymous Turtle said...

You do realize that the poo and barfing episodes are the dogs way of telling you "I'm pissed." Perhaps it's all the changes in the house or the fact that it's a new house. Whatever the case, they don't care for all the changes. It's disrupted their lives, and they are NOT pleased.

"Why does this ALWAYS happen? We are never going to own nice things!"

Sounds familiar. Foo said the same thing when I moved in with Bek and then when we adopted Bitsy. It's the price of being a pet parent. Just think back to all the good times, the "isn't that so cute" times and hug'em. They just want some love and attention from mom. Hang in there MOM.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Anonymous susan said...

I am SO not letting any of the critters in the house read this! I want to keep everything going smooth and icky-free.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger meno said...

Why do we have pets at all?

My livingroom, which has nice furniture in it, has comically colored beach towels spread across the sofa and chair where the cats like to sleep. Classy!

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger Mary said...

I forgot to bitch. DAMNIT.

I'm just grumpy and my house is a mess-full of empty boxes that I'm supposed to be packing, but I feel unmotivated since we don't even have a CLOSING date yet. That pisses me off beyond belief....

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Oh you poor poor girl.
It's at times like this that I just wish there was a quicker way to drive to Canada - clearly you need to sit in my kitchen, eat some good eats, drink some good drinks, and enjoy a good laugh.

The shit story was enough to give me hives - all the way from over here!

 
At 26 April, 2007, Blogger eric said...

that guy will get his.

i was late to my boy's baseball game today and was trying to speed but a cop came in my back door and drove exactly 35 mph.

i couldn't get separation from the bastard.

 
At 26 April, 2007, Anonymous Michelle said...

um...I'm having a good day so I'll just say I'm sorry about the poo. Bad dog.

 
At 27 April, 2007, Blogger Mike said...

That really bites about the poop! Sorry to hear that.

And I can empathize on the getting cut off. I've had a bit of that happen to me lately. (((Tink)))

 
At 27 April, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

Mama T: Yours totally trumps mine. Here, have my pint of double fudge brownie ice cream.

Laurasia: Happy Birthday! I hope it turned out better than you expected.

Scottsdale: Oh wow! Having a blind dog would be tough. I have enough problems with my seeing ones. You really should write a post about that. I'd definitely read it.

Butterfly Girl: I love you! Now go find Mama T and tell her to share some of that ice cream with you.

Sunshine: Pfft. You've had KIDS. You'll be just fine with a puppy.

Kim: You want them? They're two split nerves away from ending up on Craigslist. (I kid!)

Chris: Back when I was a kid, I had a cat that would rub her butt on people. It was SO nasty! She ended up being an outside kitty, for obvious reasons. :)

Mary: You should learn sign language. Hehe

Fiwa: Duff once puked liquid shit in our bed. Literally, shit. We have to watch him so he doesn't eat the stuff now. Bleh.

Turtle: I kind of figured they were acting out. Jazz is usually obedient to a fault. She never has accidents in the house. She doesn't normally roll in poop. But lately? She's had three piddles and this poo thing. Plus she's torn into one of my favorite shoes. It'll all get better soon I hope. Part of the reason we moved was for them!

Susan: It's OK. I think the English to critter translation site is down.

Jay: I need to invent a teleporter!

Eric: I know they're supposed to be there for our protection (or whatever). But I can't help but to believe they screw with people for the fun of it all too often. Like, shouldn't you be out nabbing drug dealers or something?

Michelle: Oh sure, rub it in. You're booted from this bitch post. Go. Come back when I'm happier. ;)

Mike: Like zombies, I think bad driving is catching. It seems to be getting worse and worse each month.

 
At 27 April, 2007, Blogger Jess Riley said...

Butterfly Girl's shaving comment made me think of my own bathroom-related gripe: the minute I've cleaned the toilet, my husband decides it's time to take a triple-flusher after four days of non-ass action. Murphy's Law!

(Despite their poopy & pukey ways, your dogs are adorable! Daisy crapped all over the carpet in my office today AND THEN PLAYED WITH IT, reducing it to little cold poop crumbles scattered everywhere, so I can relate.)

 
At 27 April, 2007, Blogger sassybead said...

You know, I had a couple of sick kitties for awhile, and I cleaned up lots of puke and poo messes in my place. At the time it got to be irritating and a royal pain. Now that they've both gone over the rainbow bridge I'd gladly clean up their messes again just to have them to hold and cuddle with me, and to hear their sweet purrs.

That being said, I can totally relate! How frustrating in a brand-new house!

Oh and don't get me started on frickin' drivers getting in front of me when I'm going to miss my train!!

WV - krkhas - for once I get an easy one! ...and let's hope there aren't any of these in our neighborhoods...

 
At 27 April, 2007, Anonymous Lily said...

Hey Tink I came by because I finally had some "blog read time" for once and wanted to check in and say hello.

After a bunch of kids and pets and shit stories I could make films about- I am about to finally at least be diaper free! My last is working on the potty thing. Somebody though tell me WHY kids put their hands in their pants???

Then again, why do MEN do it? :)

Tink I hate to say it but I think shit episodes are just a part of life, like a cosmic joke. So glad you are settling in though.

None of us will ever own nice things! We just don't have the fortitude to be diligent enough to protect them!

 
At 28 April, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

ha ha ha - You love them anyway and you know it! I was just about to comment on a lazy afternoon with dogs snoring peacefully when someone heard something and they all just broke out in a barking fit. Ahhh well 90 seconds of peace and quiet was more than I usually get :-)

 
At 29 April, 2007, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Oh, my.

*hugs*

 
At 01 May, 2007, Blogger EE said...

Oh. Oooooooooo ((((Tink))))

My only bitch is about my old wolf Aleka being *freaked the fuck out* of the neighbors shooting guns and her basically destroying my screen door to get IN the house. Where she then proceeded to 'poop walk' through out the house.

So hon, I FEEL FOR YOU!!!!!!!!

 
At 13 May, 2007, Blogger mrspao said...

HUGGGGGGGGGG! I hope things have gotten better.

 

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