Pee-In-Your-Pants Good

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

MY COWBOY LOVER. Looking for early 20s country boy, must love fishing, hunting, being outdoors. Huge truck is a plus. Me: 5'11", 145 lbs, country girl who loves anything outside: four wheelers, mud bogging, etc. Let's get dirty! Welcome to FRDN, Florida's Redneck Dating Network! If you have all of your teeth, press one. If you have more than two baby-daddies, press 2...

TESTING THE WATERS. You: hard working, outgoing, real man, loves Jesus, mud bogging, motorcycles, camping, and treating their women well. Mechanic a plus. 40-60, no young kids, no addicts. Me: single white female, 40's, willing to take a chance. I like how she slid the "mechanic a plus" line in there. This ad feels like a really cheap way of finding a new handyman. Make sure you check out the "pipes" before the car, buddy.

Men Seeking Women:

BENT HALO GOLDEN HEART. Old soul seeks playmate! Single white male, 50, 6', 200, seeking witty, erotic, slightly tainted, puritan female. Somewhere lost between misery, monogamy, and upward mobility is truth, poetry, and peace on earth! Can you dig it? Put. The bong. Down.

WHERE ARE YOU? White, 57, seeking adventurous lady to sail wherever the winds blow, marriage possible. So if you want an affectionate, honest, loyal man that's into family not sports, quiet evenings cuddling up together, I'm your guy. One child OK. But he draws the line at one and a half.

I Saw You:

THE ATLANTIC. Me: looking ultra hot in snake skin boots. You: looking sweet and vulnerable, unconscious in the bathroom. There's something sexy about a grown man being carried out like a baby! Meet me at the ATL for some projectile vomiting! Just make sure you check her purse for Rufies first.

FALLING FOR A FATALE. Arm wrastlin, PBR guzzling, First Coast Rollerderby girl. I can't roll you out of my mind. See you at your next bout? Knock 'em out!

WACKO'S BAR AND GRILL. You: hot, white lady; I think you're in love with me. We talked about you going to nursing school. I'll help you fund it. Me: short, big, white guy in tank top with Jheri curl mullet. Of course she loves you! Mullets are so irresistible.

ROBOT AFFAIR. You: Camel lashes, monster mashes, Godzilla and Panda-Z. I'll keep you warmer than a Transformer buy a robot I'll never be. But can you guess who would write this for you? Tell me the password and see.

GOT LOONS? I saw you with your loons and you were wearing those black ankle socks looking hot. I was hoping that we could share the loons and enjoy long walks on the beach with them and, of course, each other! Ok, so I looked up "Loons" and it turns out they're a kind of bird. But at first I was imagining mental patients on leashes. So you can understand how it made the list.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Absolutely not. I'm putting my foot down, Hoop.
Hoop: Oh yeah? Well, I'm putting mine up!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: My jaw hurts.
Hoop: *Smirk*
Tink: I think I was gritting my teeth in my sleep.
Hoop: *Giggle*
Tink: WHAT?
Hoop: I'm sorry. It's just, jaw pain always makes me think of blow jobs.
Tink: So... Are you implying I gave you a blow job in my sleep?
Hoop: No. But that would be fantastic!
Tink: Fantastic UNLESS I was also a sleep eater.

April Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Oh shit its tink I'm feeling the love.
2. pickled chihuahua noses
3. jazzi from ass like whoa
4. "i'm too chubby for my shirt"
5. lone sailor carpet cleaning A new Lifetime show maybe?

Updates:
1. We got Internet at the house on Monday! Look for a guest post from Hoop soon.
2. Tuesday, the new cabinets arrived. We're still waiting on the counters and there will be some paint and tile repairs once they're through, but things are starting to come together. I should have pictures after this weekend.
3. There isn't a new chapter for Twisted Tink this week because I'm editing all the previous chapters and making some much needed additions and revisions. Hang tight. There should be a new chapter next week, once all the smoke and construction noises clear.