Thursday, April 19, 2007

Pee-In-Your-Pants Good

InADvisable: Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men:

MY COWBOY LOVER. Looking for early 20s country boy, must love fishing, hunting, being outdoors. Huge truck is a plus. Me: 5'11", 145 lbs, country girl who loves anything outside: four wheelers, mud bogging, etc. Let's get dirty! Welcome to FRDN, Florida's Redneck Dating Network! If you have all of your teeth, press one. If you have more than two baby-daddies, press 2...

TESTING THE WATERS. You: hard working, outgoing, real man, loves Jesus, mud bogging, motorcycles, camping, and treating their women well. Mechanic a plus. 40-60, no young kids, no addicts. Me: single white female, 40's, willing to take a chance. I like how she slid the "mechanic a plus" line in there. This ad feels like a really cheap way of finding a new handyman. Make sure you check out the "pipes" before the car, buddy.

Men Seeking Women:

BENT HALO GOLDEN HEART. Old soul seeks playmate! Single white male, 50, 6', 200, seeking witty, erotic, slightly tainted, puritan female. Somewhere lost between misery, monogamy, and upward mobility is truth, poetry, and peace on earth! Can you dig it? Put. The bong. Down.

WHERE ARE YOU? White, 57, seeking adventurous lady to sail wherever the winds blow, marriage possible. So if you want an affectionate, honest, loyal man that's into family not sports, quiet evenings cuddling up together, I'm your guy. One child OK. But he draws the line at one and a half.

I Saw You:

THE ATLANTIC. Me: looking ultra hot in snake skin boots. You: looking sweet and vulnerable, unconscious in the bathroom. There's something sexy about a grown man being carried out like a baby! Meet me at the ATL for some projectile vomiting! Just make sure you check her purse for Rufies first.

FALLING FOR A FATALE. Arm wrastlin, PBR guzzling, First Coast Rollerderby girl. I can't roll you out of my mind. See you at your next bout? Knock 'em out!

WACKO'S BAR AND GRILL. You: hot, white lady; I think you're in love with me. We talked about you going to nursing school. I'll help you fund it. Me: short, big, white guy in tank top with Jheri curl mullet. Of course she loves you! Mullets are so irresistible.

ROBOT AFFAIR. You: Camel lashes, monster mashes, Godzilla and Panda-Z. I'll keep you warmer than a Transformer buy a robot I'll never be. But can you guess who would write this for you? Tell me the password and see.

GOT LOONS? I saw you with your loons and you were wearing those black ankle socks looking hot. I was hoping that we could share the loons and enjoy long walks on the beach with them and, of course, each other! Ok, so I looked up "Loons" and it turns out they're a kind of bird. But at first I was imagining mental patients on leashes. So you can understand how it made the list.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Absolutely not. I'm putting my foot down, Hoop.
Hoop: Oh yeah? Well, I'm putting mine up!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: My jaw hurts.
Hoop: *Smirk*
Tink: I think I was gritting my teeth in my sleep.
Hoop: *Giggle*
Tink: WHAT?
Hoop: I'm sorry. It's just, jaw pain always makes me think of blow jobs.
Tink: So... Are you implying I gave you a blow job in my sleep?
Hoop: No. But that would be fantastic!
Tink: Fantastic UNLESS I was also a sleep eater.

April Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Oh shit its tink I'm feeling the love.
2. pickled chihuahua noses
3. jazzi from ass like whoa
4. "i'm too chubby for my shirt"
5. lone sailor carpet cleaning
A new Lifetime show maybe?

1. We got Internet at the house on Monday! Look for a guest post from Hoop soon.
2. Tuesday, the new cabinets arrived. We're still waiting on the counters and there will be some paint and tile repairs once they're through, but things are starting to come together. I should have pictures after this weekend.
3. There isn't a new chapter for
Twisted Tink this week because I'm editing all the previous chapters and making some much needed additions and revisions. Hang tight. There should be a new chapter next week, once all the smoke and construction noises clear.



At 19 April, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

" Loons: Mental patients on leashes."
I actually did pee my pants just a little. You are too funny!

Loons happen to be our state bird. Go figure :-)

At 19 April, 2007, Anonymous Michelle said...

Loons are somewhat commonplace around here cause I didn't imagine mental patients until you mentioned them. Then the ad seemed REALLY weird.

At 19 April, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

"Huge truck is a plus."

haha .. yeah .. she's looking for a HUGE "TRUCK" .. Women love guys with huge "trucks" ... if you know what I mean.

Too bad she didn't mention whether or not she has huge "headlights". LOL

/gutter mind

At 19 April, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Pet loons?! WTF??! The loon is the MN state bird and they are reclusive... plus they are such water birds they can barely walk. Hell, they carry their babies around on their backs in the water...

"Jheri curl mullet"?!! EEEEEK! Nightmares.

At 19 April, 2007, Blogger Samantha said...

Loons? It just made me think of doubloons for some reason. I have pirate on the brain now....

At 19 April, 2007, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

I like the captions on the singles ads. Where were you when I was single?

At 19 April, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

I love Folioweekly day! And the loons made me laugh outloud, too.

At 19 April, 2007, Anonymous wordgirl said...

Dear sweet Lord those are funny. They're best read aloud for full comic effect.

At 19 April, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

LMAO at the sleep eater comment. Uh, yeah, that would suck.

I totally thought, in the first "ad", that it said mud BLOGGING. I was like, WTF?

And this? Meet me at the ATL for some projectile vomiting! Now THAT sounds like a good time! LMAO!

At 19 April, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

dear god, it's hard to believe there are that many crazies running around. those were hilarious, thanks for sharing the laugh.

jeezlouise I'm glad I'm married!

At 19 April, 2007, Anonymous gawilli said...

Sleep eater...funny.

Pickled chihuahua noses? Yuck.

At 19 April, 2007, Blogger Mike Y said...

Definitely don't sleep eat! LOL!

At 20 April, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

Newt: *Snort* Your state mascot is a loon. No wonder you're so nutty. ;)

Jay: You read redneck! Quick, tell me what "fixin ta" means.

Queen of D: Have I mentioned that I'm the local matchmaker? Not by choice. I paired my Mom up with her current husband on a blind date. My best friend married and ran off with the only guy I ever introduced her to. I've since retired. The job just didn't pay well enough.

Mama T: I thought it said "blogging" too! It's official. The internet has taken over our brains.

At 20 April, 2007, Blogger Maggie said...

Sleep eater - LMAO

I love your conversations

At 20 April, 2007, Anonymous susan said...

It only goes to prove there's someone for everyone. UGH.

At 21 April, 2007, Blogger Foo said...

Tink: Fantastic UNLESS I was also a sleep eater.

Eater schmeeter. The teeth grinding would be enough to put the kibosh on that notion for me... er... if I was Hoop, I mean.

And you still have much more interesting search terms than I have. For me, it's all people looking for information on how to fix their ignition problems, the odd hit on some music I've mentioned, and the predictable MS 150 hits.

Maybe I should start scattering the occasional phrase like "labial fricative" into my posts. You know, just to pique Google's interest.

At 22 April, 2007, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Put. The bong. Down.



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