Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Casting Call

Wanted: someone to play me in a made-for-TV movie.

You must be proficient in painting, not sleeping, and have the ability to fake enthusiasm. I won't lie; it doesn't pay well. But think of how great it will look on your resume! When you're done, you can replay it at night for a sleep aid.

Last night I painted baseboards until midnight. The highlight of my evening was when Hoop brought home tape so I wouldn't have to use a dust pan to separate the carpet from the wall anymore. Just typing that made me want to yawn. By eleven I had stopped pulling my hair from the paint and had started painting over it instead. There is enough DNA in my house right now to build a Tink clone.

Ah. A clone would be niiiice.

Hoop's Dad is coming in two days. If I don't sleep and skip every other meal I MIGHT get the house in order before he comes. Otherwise, I'm going to have to play
Sophie's Choice on my "To Do" list. Do I clean the bathrooms or buy food? Move beds into the rooms or boxes out of them? Ugh. When does it end? I need a brain enema.

Eventually this will all be over.

There will be dishes in our cabinets and furniture in our rooms. We won't have to wash towels every night because we'll have more than two. I'll look back on all of this and laugh. The kind of laughter that is funny, not the hysterical kind I'm having right now. Hoop found two marbles in his car last night. "They're mine," I told him. "I lost them last week." He smiled in that pitying way and patted me on the head. "I know babe. I know."

April Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Slime Sucker! Snot Licker!
2. Yo, make pickled beef Yo, I don't wanna.
3. "goes to my butt" What is, "EVERYTHING."
4. car drives when scary face pops out And that's how I got in the accident, officer.
5. fart poop pass gas fetish Hoop's dream chick.
6. week old beef stinks a little It's FINE. Go ahead and eat it!
7. Do you remember last night when you gave me head in the wal-mart parking lot? I should hope I remember if it was only last night.
8. nail polish evidence You've been reading too much Nancy Drew.

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At 11 April, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Well I'm pretty sure Britney is in need of work. Maybe she can play you in the made-for-tv movie.

It great how painting always starts out fun and then after a while it's so damn boring. Then you start to hate it. But, it's worth it when you're done.

At 11 April, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

At least with company coming you'll be forced to finish as much as you can. That's the only way my house ever gets cleaned! :)

Glad you had a good vacation - sounds like it was fun. And snow even!

At 11 April, 2007, Anonymous Turtle said...

This too shall pass and, like the others have said, it'll be done and you'll be pleased. You go girl!

At 11 April, 2007, Blogger tammy said...

I'd play you, bu I doubt you'd want to age about 10 years that quick. Hey wait, maybe you should play me...

Also, cardboard works great for the baseboard jobs. You can just through it away & get another when it just too messy.

At 11 April, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

*blink blink* That dustpan tip? Priceless!

At 12 April, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me! Me! I'll do it!!! :)


You get THE most bizarre search hits?!


At 12 April, 2007, Anonymous TB said...

I can't imagine trying to do everything you're doing and work full time. Hang in there, every little bit brings you closer.

And if you really start feeling crazy, just do what I do - take all the unpacked boxes or half unpacked and put them away. Just stow them. It will make you feel better and the stuff will still be there when you're ready to tackle it.

At 12 April, 2007, Blogger Maggie said...

Brain enema - that's what I've needed! Thank you. Now where do I get one of those?

Don't worry, the stuff will get done. But you know, don't overdo it and lose your marbles again.

Searches are great but your responses are priceless.

At 12 April, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

They're your marbles *Snort*

It'll be beautiful and so worth it once you're done with all the hard work. But a little sleep in between would be a good idea.

At 12 April, 2007, Anonymous wordgirl said...

Too much Nancy Drew? There is no such thing. If I lived close by I would totally come help you get the house ready for Hoop's dad. And with all the time we saved we could sit down with some hummus and pita chips and white wine and watch Jeff Goldblum mumble his lovely lips on "Raines" new hobby.

At 12 April, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

Dude, I hate painting, and our new house is full of wood paneling that we're going to paint over. I keep trying to coerce Dave into hiring painters, but it's so fucking expensive.

Dave knows this guy who is a painter, and he's taking this night school course. He asked him how much he'd charge us to paint the two biggest rooms in our new house. The guy told Dave that if he wrote him a 6-8 page essay on the laws of a country, any country, in the world, and it got a passing grade, he'd do it for free. Dave asked me if I wanted to do it and I said no because like, I don't have time to floss my teeth let alone write a fucking 8-page essay. You know?

But like, I'm kind of wishing I had written it now.

At 12 April, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

You know we'd all help if we were closer. Just think of how much we wouldn't get done! Giggling, yakking, joking around. Yep, we'd have that house ready in uh, no time.


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