To The House

You win.

I am defeated.

I'm completely out of patience and soon I'll be out of money.

I don't know what I ever did, besides buy you, to warrant such hostility. Don't you like the improvements? Was that shade of blue not to your liking? I'm sorry. I had such high hopes that we could be friends. But each time I get comfortable in you, almost at the precise moment I think we're getting somewhere, you thwart me. My list of repairs is now thirty-seven bullets long and growing. The money and time involved in each task makes me want to curl up and cry. But what's money or time to a house, right? You have no need for either.

What do you want then, hell-house? What have you not already drained from me? I dream about burning you to the ground. Fleeing. Passing you off to the first person who shows an interest. These thoughts just aren't normal. We should be on the same side, you and I. Instead I go home to your termite infested walls and try to pretend that I don't know you. I'm just renting. This nightmare isn't mine. I'm such a great judge of character! The house I bought was warm and beautiful. Someone must have switched it in the night. Then I wake up and you're there.

So I quit.

Do whatever the hell you want.

(If anyone needs me, I'll be in the carboard box on the beach.)

Sincerely,
Your exasperated owner.

Why Not To Buy A House

(Reason #249)

The house was completely quiet as I exited the bathroom last night.

It was in that stillness that I noticed a very faint noise.

It sounded like... rice crispies.

"What the hell?" I thought. "Maybe I'm just hungry." But it bothered me. So I stood still for a moment trying to figure out where it was coming from. Leaning into the open door, I followed the sound to the door frame. It was definitely coming from there. So I leaned toward the other side. Nothing. Back to the right. There it was again.

"Hoop!" I yelled. "The door frame is making noises!" He came and pressed his ear to the door as I'd instructed. "How did you hear that?!" "I don't know. Doesn't it sound like rice crispies?" "Yeah. Weird." Then he started pressing on the wood. It gave under his fingers like a sponge. "Oh no!" I moaned as he ripped a chunk of it from the wall.

Termites.

I could actually HEAR the termites munching on our house.

If that doesn't gross you the fuck out, I don't know what will.

Tink Quote Of The Day:
My gynecologist told me I have perfect breasts. Isn't that nice?

Not Far From The Tree:
Papa Bear: Do you remember how your Mom said she used to get back at her brothers for picking on her?
Tink: Yeah. She ratted on them for things they didn't do.
Papa Bear: Well, Lil Bit has started doing that to Big Bit and me.
Tink: What, ratting on you?
Papa Bear: Yeah! It's really starting to piss me off.
Tink: Ok. You do realize you're the PARENT, right?

P.S. Thank you all for the moral support in my job search! I haven't quit my job yet. I'm just searching at the moment. Unfortunately, like the housing market, the job market has fallen flat on its face around here. I have impeccable timing. With my luck, I'll buy stocks the same day the market crashes too.

I Forgot To Screw It On

...and now my head is gone.

The volleyball I'm using in it's place has made a request that I not overtax it. It is, after all, just a volleyball. So I'm giving you a mission.

This is our house.


It needs paint.


Preferably a light base with dark trim, because that's what's going to be easiest. I need some suggestions on colors. Got any?

Help a volleyball out!

Tally Me Banana

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

You must have thought I'd FORGOTTEN to post updates on the house. Rest assured, you haven't MISSED much.

Wood Door Frames In Master Bedroom (Before)


Wood Door Frames In Master Bedroom (After)

You have no idea how much of a pain this was to do.

Office (Before)


Office (In Progress)

It took Hoop a full day to measure, tape, and paint it. I think it's absolutely perfect. I could have never done such a flawless job. Not with my tilted-head syndrome anyway. Our next chore is to get the furniture in and hang Hoop's black and white drawings in the black line.

(Random Pictures)

Brotherly Love

Tech and Hoop. Also the first picture I've ever posted of Hoop with his visor off!

Unripe


Florida Showers


Pretty In Pink

...and just a little evil looking.



Banana "Fingers"

Hoop and I are psyched! We found these banana "fingers" hanging off one of the trees in our backyard. I was a little concerned at first on how we were going to get them down. Then my good friend Brodimus Prime suggested we hire a Tally Man. So I'm nominating him. See you in a few weeks, Brom!

From Mundane To Insane.

The reason for my insanity:

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER


First Home Cooked Meal


(Totally Random Pictures)

View From My Desk


Cockroach and Spit Balls


Purple Haze


Doggie Yoga

Surely there was an easier way...

Dog-Nap At The Baseball Game

Sneaky Bastards

I closed commenting on the last post because I didn't want anyone to feel obligated to say anything.

I opened my email box over the weekend and was completely surprised.

30 of you sneaky bastards decided to comment anyway!

Thank you.

It was appreciated more than I can say.

Hoop and I had a long talk over the weekend. We've decided to put the house on hold for two months, other than the critical termite problems. Now that we have a fully functioning kitchen, the house is completely livable. So, we intend to LIVE in it. It's time to have some fun, live normally. Whatever "normal" for us may be.

Although I'm not fixed, I feel better. Confessing that I'm overwhelmed lifted a huge weight off my chest. Sumo huge. Rosemary Shanahan huge. I felt like I should go home and have makeup sex with myself huge. I'm going to look into counseling and possibly meds too. One of my dear blog buddies mentioned it might be a thyroid problem, which got me excited at first since I thought my boobs might get bigger.

No such luck... On the boob thing. I don't know about the thyroid yet.

Tomorrow: Weekend Recap
Wednesday: Pictures

After Too Much Ado: I'm finally lifting some of the construction tape on Twisted Tink. By five today there will be 7-8 chapters (previously chapters 1-16) up for review. If you've been following along with the story this far, you're going to want to reread them. I have made tons of revisions and additions in the interest of you, my reader(s). I would really appreciate some constructive criticism. So pull out your red pens and let me know what you think!

Steak For Dinner

I saw the Karma Cow this morning.

She was standing in the middle of the road, having a Mexican Standoff with my SUV. A situation that resulted in me pleading with her, a COW, to please move because I was going to be late for work.

You're probably wondering how I knew who she was. I mean, a cow looks like a cow right? I knew because it started raining right after. We've been living in smoke for two weeks. The smell of it has permeated the house, our clothes, and my hair. 18,000 acres and counting. One of the fires is just miles from my parents' house.

On top of the raging infernos, there is a subtropical storm (Andrea) off our coast, three weeks ahead of schedule. Hurricane season doesn't start until next month! What gives? When I first heard about her I thought, "Great! Maybe she'll put some of these fires out." But apparently she's packing a whole lot of wind and little else.


(Click and enlarge for better viewing.)

Along with the fires and storms, my Grandma is having a Hysterectomy tomorrow. They wont know if the Uterine Cancer has spread until they operate. We're all hopeful. Hence the early invitations to the funeral. The funeral for her uterus, that is. Please, no flowers. But feel free to send chocolate if you'd like, in remembrance of those days of PMS.

Hoop's family came into town last night. Nash and his son, QT, are staying until Saturday. Hoop's Dad will be here until Tuesday. Although I love the company, and am appreciative of all the help they're lending, I can't help but feel a little overwhelmed. As the token female, I feel obligated to make sure everyone is comfortable. No small feat in a house that's only half done.

Then there's QT, the adorable and willful three year old. He refuses to poop in the potty, despite my promises of a "Doo-Doo Party" if he does. The last time he stayed, our house reeked of shit for days. Mmmm, poop and smoke. What a lovely aroma the house will have. The only thing that would make it better is if the dog gets sick again.

Back to the rain...

Five minutes after I left the Karma Cow, it stopped.

So much for bovine intervention. Perhaps I'll eat steak tonight.

HOUSE UPDATES:

Living Room


Dining Room, With Table



These Captain Chairs were stolen out of a dorm by Hoop's parents when they were in college. I love them. They're very masculine. I'm looking for some feminine touches to add to the rest of the dining room to even it out. Any suggestions?

Master Bedroom


Computer Room

This is where the magic happens. Pathetic isn't it? I need to buy a desk.

Troubled Paradise

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night, Hoop and I took my little brothers to go see "Spiderman 3."
2. When we got there, about an hour and a half before the showing, a line had already started forming for seats.
3. So we decided to skip our dinner plans and camp out instead. We amused ourselves by talking with the people around us.
4. To our left was a young couple who claimed they NEVER missed a new movie.
Tink: Never?
Young Woman: Never. Sometimes I skip sleeping so we can see a midnight showing.
5. At a cost of $12.00 (for two tickets), times 4 (the average number of new movies per week), the couple spends about $2,304 a year at the theater!
6. With the average income for the area being $24,087. That's 9.56% of someone's yearly earnings!
7. The movie was decent. Not worth the wait and mad rush for seats. The majority of the plot was spent on Peter and MJ's romance. Disheartening, considering the actors have absolutely NO chemistry together. About 40 minutes of the movie were fight scenes, only 15 of which had Venom in them.
8. Saturday morning I drove the boys home and then went back to the "crib" for cleaning.
9. Cleaning, for a place that has virtually no storage or furniture, consists of piling things in stacks in the corners. The most popular phrase in my house right now is, "Where is---?" or "Have you seen---?"
10. Yesterday I found a screwdriver in the dirty clothes hamper. When I went to go place it with other tools, I found an empty bottle of orange juice chilling out with the wrench.
11. I keep bugging Hoop about getting things fixed: the missing baseboards, the holes in the walls, the nonexistent electricity and plumbing in the kitchen, the fans with no blades...
12. He keeps assuring me that his Dad will help fix it when he comes into town. His Dad, the man who has rescheduled on us three times. The house is never going to get done.
13. So I've decided to run away. I'm looking to be adopted out. Any takers? I make a mean Pork Chop Marsala!
14. Saturday evening Hoop decided to bite the bullet and charge a new PS3 and receiver on his card. But when we went to make the purchase:
Electronics Employee: I'm helping this customer and then I'm going home.
Hoop: Is there anyone else who can help us?
Electronics Employee: Nope.
15. I'm not sure what pissed me off more, the prospect of shopping for entertainment equipment longer than we already had, or being treated so rudely.
Tink: Excuse me.
Manager: Yes?
Tink: My boyfriend and I are looking to spend a LARGE amount of money at your store. But apparently, your employee doesn't want to take it. Instead of helping us, he just told us that he's about to go home and that no one else in the entire store will be able to help with our purchase. Is that true?
16. I couldn't tell who was more horrified, the manager or Hoop.
17. In the end they gave us a an extra $20 discount on our purchases and followed us around with a cart as we shopped. I think that's the closest I'll ever get to feeling like royalty!
18. Sunday morning I awoke to Hoop organizing the garage. For the first time in three months we can walk through without having to play Frogger with all our stuff.
19. Mark that down in the calendar folks!
20. But the joy I felt from that accomplishment was quickly ruined by what happened last night.
21. After spending an hour putting our bedroom fan together, I called Hoop in to examine my handiwork. I was a bit frustrated because certain parts seemed a bit loose, so he dismantled it to find the problem.
22. In the process of putting it back together, he shattered the glass dome.
23. I'll admit, I was angrier with him than I should have been. But my patience for this never ending project of ours has begun to shrivel. I called him "destructive." He got defensive. We both went to bed angry.
24. Then I dreamt we were having a fist fight. So of course I woke up angry too.
25. Why couldn't I have had a makeup sex dream instead?!
26. I'm still grouchy. So in order to lighten the mood, here are some conversations on the house:

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Look at that building. It's huge! Is it a house or a church?
Hoop: It's a house.
Tink: Are you sure?
Hoop: I'm sure.
Tink: But... Isn't that a cross in the front yard?
Hoop: No.
Tink: Look, there's a sign. It IS a church! I thought you said it was a house?
Hoop: It is a house. It's God's house.
Tink: Smart ass.

Mom Quote Of The Day:
"I think we should have a funeral for Grandma's uterus. After all, it was my first home."

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Are you going to leave me?
Tink: No way!
...
Tink: Wait, did you mean right now or forever?
Hoop: Forever.
Tink: Good. Because I really have to pee.

Not Far From The Tree:
(While eating at my parents' house)
Hoop: I am so full!
Tink: Throw that piece back in the pot then.
Hoop: Ew! You really think someone is going to want to eat it?
Tink: Well, that depends. Are you a forker or a biter?
Papa Bear: Forker! *Bursts out laughing*
Hoop: Forker?
Mom: I fork AND bite.
Tink: No, no, no. I meant-
Papa Bear: You forker!
Mom: See? *Forks off a chunk of meat and bites it off*
Tink: That's not-
Papa Bear: Mother forkers.
Tink: Nevermind!
Hoop: I knew what you meant.
Papa Bear: So did I.
Mom: Me too.
Tink: I hate you all.

Casting Call

Wanted: someone to play me in a made-for-TV movie.

You must be proficient in painting, not sleeping, and have the ability to fake enthusiasm. I won't lie; it doesn't pay well. But think of how great it will look on your resume! When you're done, you can replay it at night for a sleep aid.

Last night I painted baseboards until midnight. The highlight of my evening was when Hoop brought home tape so I wouldn't have to use a dust pan to separate the carpet from the wall anymore. Just typing that made me want to yawn. By eleven I had stopped pulling my hair from the paint and had started painting over it instead. There is enough DNA in my house right now to build a Tink clone.

Ah. A clone would be niiiice.

Hoop's Dad is coming in two days. If I don't sleep and skip every other meal I MIGHT get the house in order before he comes. Otherwise, I'm going to have to play Sophie's Choice on my "To Do" list. Do I clean the bathrooms or buy food? Move beds into the rooms or boxes out of them? Ugh. When does it end? I need a brain enema.

Eventually this will all be over.

There will be dishes in our cabinets and furniture in our rooms. We won't have to wash towels every night because we'll have more than two. I'll look back on all of this and laugh. The kind of laughter that is funny, not the hysterical kind I'm having right now. Hoop found two marbles in his car last night. "They're mine," I told him. "I lost them last week." He smiled in that pitying way and patted me on the head. "I know babe. I know."

April Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Slime Sucker! Snot Licker!
2. Yo, make pickled beef Yo, I don't wanna.
3. "goes to my butt" What is, "EVERYTHING."
4. car drives when scary face pops out And that's how I got in the accident, officer.
5. fart poop pass gas fetish Hoop's dream chick.
6. week old beef stinks a little It's FINE. Go ahead and eat it!
7. Do you remember last night when you gave me head in the wal-mart parking lot? I should hope I remember if it was only last night.
8. nail polish evidence You've been reading too much Nancy Drew.

My Money's On The House

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday evening Hoop and I tried to cook dinner. It would have been the first time in the new house.
2. Within two minutes of turning it on, the oven was billowing black smoke.
3. The seller promised the oven worked. It doesn't.
4. On further inspection I realized the inside lining had been burned off. It looks like it happened a long time ago. So apparently the oven was just for show?
5. House: 1 Tink and Hoop: 0.
6. Saturday morning we went car shopping for Hoop. His "stang" was long overdo for a trade in. It took me awhile to convince him though.
Hoop: There's nothing wrong with my car!
Tink: Oh no? How about the gas leak, oil leak, broken AC, balding tires, right rear damage, spray painted bumper, peeling tint, busted wipers-
Hoop: OK! So there's some minor problems with it.
7. The new car is a 2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse, steel grey. Comparison pictures to come.
8. Sunday morning Hoop tried to install our surround sound... Again. It's been an ongoing project now for about three weeks with little success.
9. As with before, Hoop realized the attic is too small, the vaulted ceiling too high, the insulation too thick, and the walls too crowded.
10. House: 2 Tink and Hoop: 0.
11. Only this time it took him removing a piece of our outside paneling to realize it. Seeing holes in my house gives me the warm fuzzies, lemme tell ya.
12. Then our TV fell apart... Again. This will be the third TV we've had to exchange!
13. House: 3 Tink and Hoop: 0. You probably don't think this one is the house's fault. But I'm convinced it's screwing with us now.
14. Later that day we started to paint our bedroom. It went fairly quick at first, until we went to paint over the primer.
Hoop: Oh no!
Tink: What's wrong?
Hoop: The guy tinted the primer the exact same color as the paint.
15. Which meant we had no way of telling what had been painted over and what hadn't. I woke up this morning to a striped and spotted room. Apparently, the paint doesn't dry the same color too.
16. House: 4 Tink and Hoop: 0. We're on a roll now.
17. And if you want to count the windows, termites, nonfunctional outlets, and the two cabinet contractors who never called us back- House: 8 Tink and Hoop: 0.
18. To be fair, getting the ceilings textured was a fairly simple job. Of course, our fans were stolen in the process. So I'll give us each a half point. House: 8.5 Tink and Hoop: .5
19. That's pathetic.
20. Good thing Hoop and I are taking a vacation next weekend!
21. I think my sanity depends on it.

Big Bit Quote Of The Day
"Welcome to the house of flying dog bowls."

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While painting)
Hoop: What are the dogs barking at?
Tink: They're mad because we locked them out.
Hoop: Maybe they're trying to tell us something.
Tink: Maybe. Phew. I think I'm high.
Hoop: That's it! They're trying to tell us we're killing ourselves!
Tink: What a crappy way to go.
Hoop: We should take a break.
Tink: We're almost done!
Hoop: *Starts breathing heavy* Paint. Fumes.
Tink: I used to tell people that when I died I was going to go back in time and be reincarnated as my dog. So it's possible that Jazz is me. And if Jazz is me, I think she'd be warning us about something else entirely.
Hoop: Like what?
Tink: Like, "Wait! Stop! You're going to regret that shade of green later!"

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: What are you going to name your new car?
Hoop: Name?
Tink: Yeah! I've always named my cars. First there was the Reliant named Tank. Then there was the Sunbird named Avery. It was highlighter blue. Then there was-
Hoop: -How about Silver?
Tink: As in, "Hi-ho Silver?"
Hoop: No. As in, that's the color of the car.
Tink: But that's boring! It's got to be something clever. My Mom once named a car James.
Hoop: James?
Tink: Home James! I think it was from "Riding Miss Daisy."
Hoop: I think you mean DRIVING.
Tink: That's what I meant.
Hoop: *Laughing* Riding Miss Daisy.
Tink: Wouldn't that be an awesome name for a porn video?

Tomorrow: Good-bye to March.

Missing

"Missing: a blogger named Tink."

At least that's what the poster said a few blogs down the way. No reward though. That was kind of disappointing.

I'm sorry for the extended absence. I ended up working on Monday and taking Tuesday off. Things have been crazy lately. Not the good kind of crazy either. Not the kind that makes you table dance with a bottle of tequila while singing Marley. No. It's the kind that makes you want to commit yourself just so you get a decent nights sleep.

Where do I start? Here. Read the post I didn't finish on Monday...

Weekend Recap:
1. There's a buzzing in my ear.
2. I think it might be my brain dying.
3. 20 hours of being exposed to paint fumes can't be good.
4. Saturday morning Hoop and I drove out to the new "hood" and dropped off my car for repairs before heading to Home Depot for paint.
5. Besides the nonfunctional brake lights and shredded front tire, I found out I needed new CV joints and ball bearings. Cha-ching!
6. After a couple more hours of preparation, and four more trips to Home Depot for forgotten supplies, Hoop and I were ready to finish painting.
7. At midnight we ran out of primer.
8. But we had plenty of brushes, rollers, tarps, and tape!
9. So it was off to Walmart to deal with the highly qualified able minded idiot employees.
10. First they couldn't work the system. Then they couldn't figure out what color we needed. Then, after 30 minutes:
Employee 1: What're you guys doing?
Employee 2: They're looking for this color. *Looks at underside of can lid*
Tink: You can't go by that. That's where the oily stuff collects at the top. It's the color dabbed on the front.
Employee 2: Really?
Employee 3: So it's kind of a yellow color.
Tink: No, you're looking at the wrong end.
Employee 3: It's not this yellow color?
Tink: No.
Employee 3: Are you sure?
Tink: Yes.
Employee 1: I saw you brought up a can of Kilz. You know that's not paint right?
Hoop: Yeah, we know. We were trying to get it tinted.
Employee 1: TINTED?! *Laughs like we're the idiots* You can't put color in primer!
Tink: You can, and we have.
Employee 1: Oh yeah? Who did it?
Hoop: Home Depot.
Employee 1: But you're just going to paint over it!
Tink: That's the point.

Eventually we finished painting. Well, the main rooms at least. What we failed to realize (until it was too late) was that it doesn't pay to buy cheap rollers. There are hairs all over our walls. In the end, you have to learn when to give up, give in, and understand that you've hit your Fuckit Point. I think I hit that point on Sunday, after realizing there were termites in our bedroom. Thank God there's a termite bond. Or maybe it was when Hoop and I realized we could see the backyard from below our living room window. It's falling out of the wall. That is NOT one of the three being replaced either.

But enough bitching.

Here's the good news. The week is half over, Nash is coming into town this Friday, and Hoop and I are almost out of limbo. We'll be moving our things in this weekend! Amazingly, all this work and stress has only brought us closer. There's something about remodeling... The need for team work. The long hours of tedious preparation, broken only by the good conversation. The feeling of accomplishment when you're done. It's been very healthy for us. I wish it were as healthy for my mental well being.

Not Far From The Tree:
Papa Bear: Did you see that cop I warned you about?
Tink: No, I didn't.
Papa Bear: That's because he pulled me over.
Mom: Did you get a ticket?
Papa Bear: Nope. I was going 75 in a 60 too.
Tink: How did you get out of that?
Papa Bear: I explained to him that I was scratching my ass-
Mom: -you told the COP that you were scratching your ass?!
Papa Bear: Yeah. See, in order to scratch it I had to extend my leg and that caused my foot to press harder on the gas...
Mom: *Buries head in hands* Oh my God.

Not Far From The Tree 2:
Tink: I wish there was a Dunkin' Donuts around here.
Papa Bear: There's a Krispy Kreme.
Tink: It's just not the same.
Papa Bear: I can't go to either. If I set foot in one of those places I'm going to start cramming donuts into my orifice.
Tink: Your orifice, huh?
Papa Bear: Otherwise known as my mouth.
Mom: Well I hope it's your mouth and not any other kind of orifice.
Papa Bear: Oh yeah honey. I regularly stick donuts up my butt. You know, for later.
Tink: Ewwww!
Mom: Well I'm glad that wasn't the case when that cop pulled you over. I'm not sure he would have been so lenient.
Papa Bear: Oh no. He would have been insulted.
Mom: Insulted?
Papa Bear: You know how cops feel about donuts. He might have thought I was saving it for him.

Cover Your Virgin Ears II

(The sequel to "Cover Your Virgin Ears I." Consider the title your warning.)

Why are certain words both erotic and insulting, depending on the context they're used in? Like "pussy." Here's a shocker. I have one. I happen to like it. So why is "pussy" also the term for someone who's considered weak? I do my Kegels. I could probably crack a walnut with this bad boy. And "dick"? Unless you're one-eyed or really tall, why is that an insult? The only time I would consider myself looking like an "asshole" is if I ate something really sour. Why is the phrase, "I want to screw/fuck you," offensive once you take out the "I want"? You never hear, "You're such a vagina." Or "Why are you such a penis?" Aren't they the same thing?

People are appalled by these words. They're taboo, only meant to be uttered between the sheets or yelled when angry. Why? Wouldn't it be more effective if you called them something really foul? Pus Pocket. Sewer Breath. Booger Face. Scab. Month Old Yogurt. Razor Burn. Donald Trump's Combover. Can you imagine someone yelling that out their window in rush hour traffic? You'd laugh. You'd think it was juvenile. But if you really stopped to think about it... Wouldn't you rather be a pussy or a dick? At least they have a function. Geesh.

Give Me A Break: I ordered windows a week ago for three that were damaged in our house. The check for them had been cut to me at closing by the title company. What I didn't realize until yesterday, when I went to cash it, was that they'd made it out to the wrong person. They'd made it out to the seller. Niiice. It's just as well. The window company called this morning to inform me my windows had fallen off the back of their truck. "Just mine?" I asked. "Just yours," the guy sighed. "Of course." So it'll be another week or so before they can order more. Anyone want to join me in a drink?

Screw You And Your Igloo

Hoop is a walking database of useless knowledge.

But he never remembers where he heard the information, so people are less inclined to believe him. And by "people" I mean me. I think I have good reasons for being doubtful though.

Hoop: Did you know that Eskimos loan their wives out to house guests?
Tink: For what?
Hoop: What do you think?
Tink: No way.
Hoop: Seriously. It's considered rude for them to decline.
Tink: Like, "Make yourself at home. Have my wife!"
Hoop: Exactly.
Tink: Where did you hear this little tidbit?
Hoop: I don't know.
Tink: Uh huh.

What would a white-bread, financial representative from Florida know about Eskimo customs? Apparently more than I thought. I'd tell him. But I prefer my pies WITHOUT crow, thankyouverymuch.

Hello Cosmos: Hoop and I have gotten into a routine of meeting at the new house around 6:30 every night. At first I was overwhelmed by the amount of prep work involved in preparing our house for paint. But I've gotten used to the methodic rhythm of spackling and sanding. It's almost comforting now. The soreness in my arms has ebbed into more of a pleasant ache. But it wasn't until Monday night that I fully started to appreciate having a home. It happened after dinner. We were eating Chinese at a local dive and plotting our next move. I broke open the fortune cookie expecting to see some lame quote. "What's it say?" Hoop asked. I was quiet for a minute before bursting into laughter. I'm sure he thought I was nuts.

"Be satisfied with what you already own."

Alright Cosmos. I hear you.

Save Our Souls

Weekend Recap:
1. I came to the conclusion this weekend that Hoop and I have NO IDEA what we're doing.
2. Saturday morning we drove to our house to assess the situation.
3. In which we decided...
4. ...we needed beer. Lots and lots of beer.
5. After that was taken care of, along with toilet paper, cleaning supplies, and air fresheners, (What can I say? The house stunk.) we formulated a plan on what to do next.
6. The problem was, we each had a separate plan.
7. Hoop's plan was to scrape off the existing paint.
8. Mine was to start taping off the rooms.
9. Neither panned out quite as expected.
10. It took me 45 minutes to realize the tape I was using wasn't faulty, the baseboards were dusty.
11. Hoop continued to peel the high-gloss-industrial-plastic-textured paint off until he hit the drywall.
12. I was good. I held my tongue. But for the record? I TOLD HIM SO.
13. Who the hell paints their house with this stuff anyway? It looks like the paint they use on hospitals, auto shops, and the banisters of Disney World to cover up dirt.
14. Although it DID come in handy when we found a snot spot on the wall where the ceiling guy had sneezed. It wiped right off!
15. The difference between Hoop and I can be summed up in what happened next.
16. We needed advice on paint:
17. I wanted to ask someone at Home Depot.
18. Hoop settled for the opinion of an elderly gentleman at Walmart who barely spoke English.
19. We weighed the idea of hiring a professional painter:
20. I pulled out the phone book.
21. Hoop pulled into a new construction neighborhood and asked a group of Mexicans if they wanted to earn a little extra cash.
22. In the end we declared, "To hell with it! We'll do this ourselves and see how it turns out."
23. And then nothing happened. We'd wasted so much time arguing, taping, spackling, and cleaning, we didn't have enough time to PAINT.
24. On top of that, neither Walmart nor Target carry fans right now because they're a "seasonal item." So we're either going to live in a bat cave for two more months or bite the bullet and pay Home Depot's high prices.
25. At least we have our paint colors picked out:
Tink: What color should we paint our bedroom?
Hoop: Red with yellow flames!

Courtesy of Odd Mix


View (From Our Backyard)


Conceal...

...this large gaping hole where paint should be.

(Some Random Weekend Pictures)

Something Old

I wonder how old the baby is now?

Something Blue

And white, gray, brown, and black. Oy. Pick a color scheme!

I Need...

...a net for all these thoughts fluttering around in my head.
...a Scooby Snack for motivation.
...a clone (or twelve) to do my job effectively.
...a tampon shaped pocket in my pants.
...a dozen light and fan fixtures to replace the ones that ran away.

On the way home from work last night I stopped at our new house to check on the finished ceiling. Only, when I went to turn on the lights inside, there were none to be turned on. The ceiling workers had mentioned that the fixtures might get damaged. What they had failed to say was that they might go MISSING.

Saturday afternoon we got a call from the ceiling guy's kid, a twenty-something year old with two toned hair and "high eyes." His Dad had sent him over to prep the house for Sunday.

High Eyes Guy: What are your plans for the fans?
Hoop: Excuse me?
High Eyes Guy: Are you going to be keeping them?
Hoop: We planned on replacing them eventually. Why?
High Eyes Guy: I just wanted to let you know they might get a little banged up in the process of us scraping the ceiling.
Hoop: Oh. Ok.
High Eyes Guy: And I was wondering if I could keep the one that was in the nursery?
Hoop: Um...
High Eyes Guy: I have a little girl that really needs a fan for her room.
Hoop: Yeah, I guess that would be OK.

Apparently the other fans missed the one fan and decided to set out and look for it. At least the ceiling looks good... from what I could see of it.

Tampon Pocket: Most of my dress pants don't have pockets. Which really isn't a problem until I have to carry certain items (tampons) discreetly from my office to the bathroom. I work with mostly guys. The last time I decided to carry a tampon in my hand, I was stopped for a conversation and ended up waving it around like a wand to elaborate some point.

So now I just tuck them into the waistband of my pants.

As I was making a beeline for the bathroom this morning, tampon in pants, I was stopped by a warehouse worker with a question. His question turned into a discussion and I found myself being led in the opposite direction of the toilet. With all that moving and shifting around, I knew the tampon was starting to wiggle loose. My only hope was that it wouldn't slide down my leg and land on the floor.

I know now, that would have been the better alternative.

As I was walking back towards the restroom I noticed several sales guys stopping to stare at my crotch. Most of them tried to do it discreetly. Others just stared in bold fascination. "How dare they!" I thought. I was still fuming when I walked into the ladies' stall and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The tampon hadn't just wiggled loose... It had positioned itself to look like a penis. Straight, but carried to the left.

Niiiice.

I can hear the conversations around the water cooler now.

Picturepalooza

Check out my new fairy shirt by Sunshine at Sunshine's Designs!

Don't stare too hard. You might blind yourself with my bling.

Big Bit, On The Fence


Tulip With Teeth


Open Wide!


Courtesy of Odd Mix:


Hoop and I visited our new house this weekend...


...to watch the popcorn ceilings come TUMBLING down.


Everything was covered in plastic, so picture taking was limited. What few shots I got came out grainy because of the low light, or blurry due to the glare off the plastic sheets. But you can still see what we're dealing with. The cabinets are next to go!


Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Do you know why Bush is pro-life?
Tink: Why?
Hoop: Because he's going to need a bigger army.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: There's only one good thing about death.
Tink: What's that?
Hoop: You only have to go through it once with each person.