Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I Need...

...a net for all these thoughts fluttering around in my head.
...a Scooby Snack for motivation.
...a clone (or twelve) to do my job effectively.
...a tampon shaped pocket in my pants.
...a dozen light and fan fixtures to replace the ones that ran away.

On the way home from work last night I stopped at our new house to check on the finished ceiling. Only, when I went to turn on the lights inside, there were none to be turned on. The ceiling workers had mentioned that the fixtures might get damaged. What they had failed to say was that they might go MISSING.

Saturday afternoon we got a call from the ceiling guy's kid, a twenty-something year old with two toned hair and "high eyes." His Dad had sent him over to prep the house for Sunday.

High Eyes Guy: What are your plans for the fans?
Hoop: Excuse me?
High Eyes Guy: Are you going to be keeping them?
Hoop: We planned on replacing them eventually. Why?
High Eyes Guy: I just wanted to let you know they might get a little banged up in the process of us scraping the ceiling.
Hoop: Oh. Ok.
High Eyes Guy: And I was wondering if I could keep the one that was in the nursery?
Hoop: Um...
High Eyes Guy: I have a little girl that really needs a fan for her room.
Hoop: Yeah, I guess that would be OK.

Apparently the other fans missed the one fan and decided to set out and look for it. At least the ceiling looks good... from what I could see of it.

Tampon Pocket: Most of my dress pants don't have pockets. Which really isn't a problem until I have to carry certain items (tampons) discreetly from my office to the bathroom. I work with mostly guys. The last time I decided to carry a tampon in my hand, I was stopped for a conversation and ended up waving it around like a wand to elaborate some point.

So now I just tuck them into the waistband of my pants.

As I was making a beeline for the bathroom this morning, tampon in pants, I was stopped by a warehouse worker with a question. His question turned into a discussion and I found myself being led in the opposite direction of the toilet. With all that moving and shifting around, I knew the tampon was starting to wiggle loose. My only hope was that it wouldn't slide down my leg and land on the floor.

I know now, that would have been the better alternative.

As I was walking back towards the restroom I noticed several sales guys stopping to stare at my crotch. Most of them tried to do it discreetly. Others just stared in bold fascination. "How dare they!" I thought. I was still fuming when I walked into the ladies' stall and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The tampon hadn't just wiggled loose... It had positioned itself to look like a penis. Straight, but carried to the left.

Niiiice.

I can hear the conversations around the water cooler now.

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25 Comments:

At 13 February, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Call the people who did the ceilings and tell them if the fans aren't sitting in your house by close of business today you will be notifying the prosecuting attorney's office and the police. Minus the one you told the dude he could take. You don't have to go through with it, but you might bluff them into returning them.

If you had a female co-worker ... or a gay male coworker .. someone would have been warned about your faux penis. but no straight guy is gonna do that. LOL

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger Jess Riley said...

Tink, this post is a prime example of why I'm so glad you're blogging, and I'm so glad I discovered your blog. You're priceless!

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger Peevish said...

Gack, I hate it when that kind of thing happens! I wore a pair of jeans two days in a row once and half way through the day the previous day's underpants fell out of the leg......

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger Foo said...

...a dozen light and fan fixtures to replace the ones that ran away.

Sounds like someone needs a beating. I certainly hope they've just taken them down temporarily and will be bringing them back and re-installing them.

Having installed three of those rascals all by my lonesome, during the past six months, I'm here to tell you that it's not something you or Hoop would want to get stuck with if you can convince the workers to put them back the way they were.

I don't know what sort of ensemble you were wearing at the time, but couldn't you tuck the tampon in your sock? And at least the guys weren't staring at a camel toe (that not-quite-extinct relic of the '70s).

 
At 13 February, 2007, Anonymous Patsy said...

Hysterical!!! I can see it now, a girl with a penis, and all of the guys with penis envy! You were the center of attention!

It might be a good idea if you let "someone" know that you expect those fans/fixtures to be put back where they belong; and quickly.

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

Jay: Hoop called. According to them they were "damaged beyond repair." And although they "can't be held responsible" they are discounting us $100 off the price. *Sigh* We were going to replace them all anyway. Just not at one time! Geesh.

Jess: From you I consider that highest compliment! Thank you. :)

Peeve: *Snort* OK, that might be worse.

Foo: >>Having installed three of those rascals all by my lonesome, during the past six months, I'm here to tell you that it's not something you or Hoop would want to get stuck with if you can convince the workers to put them back the way they were.<<

That's great. We have at least four fans that need to be replaced and eight light fixtures. Should I call for backup now?

The problem with sticking a tampon in your shoe if you're a girl is that you're probably wearing A. Heels B. Open toed shoes C. Something that ALREADY squeezes your pinky into something purple and shrively. Good suggestion though!

Patsy: I don't know about "envy." It was one of those little light day tampons.

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger eric said...

to the left, even?

you WERE authentic.

i wish i had a tampon wand to get people to stop talking to me at work.

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

I snorted diet coke up my nose when I read this. Tink, you seriously crack me up.

That is a bummer about the fans... seems like they would have removed them if they were doing work on the ceiling.

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger graymama said...

ROTFL! :-) Tampon penis envy :-P

You could post a "WANTED: ceiling fans" on freecycle. You might be able to get some for free and keep the $100 for something else :-)

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger sassybead said...

I'm not buying the "damaged beyond repair" even for a minute! They should have left the fixtures in the house for you to examine and make that determination. Besides, scraping that popcorn stuff off the ceiling shouldn't cause that much damage. I doubt it involves much more than a wide-blade putty knife. Have you ever bumped one of those ceilings and seen how easily the stuff falls off?

Sounds to me like "high eyes" wanted the fixtures to recycle for the metal to fund his next fix!

The tampon tale? Frickin' heeelarious!! It reminded me of the Friends episode where Ross and Brad Pitt's character spread the rumor in high school that Rachel was a hermaphrodite and had a "teeny weenie!" Of course, Joey can't keep staring...

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger butterfly girl said...

It is just not fair the trials and tribulations us women go through. They keep making tampons smaller but invisible is better, don't ya think? There is no way to get to the bathroom without being found out sooner or later. Maybe you could stash some loot in the ceiling tiles? *L*

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger meno said...

I just hope the tampon was a super plus. Give them a little penis envy.

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger Foo said...

As long as you and Hoop work on the fans as team, you shouldn't have any problems. It's not complicated--just really awkward for one person to do.

For obvious reasons, Turtle wasn't able to offer me any assistance aside from holding her breath and praying I wouldn't fall off the ladder.

But I'd still make the workmen put the things back up, if I could. =)

 
At 13 February, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Ohmigod, the tampon story is priceless. I suggest switching to o.b. - much more discrete to carry! They fit perfectly into an empty Altoids tin.

 
At 13 February, 2007, Anonymous Michelle said...

Re: tampon carrying strategy...

I used to carry mine in the same place (waist band) but found it too inconvenient for the same reasons. Now, I tuck it into the top of my sock (if I'm wearing them, of course) and pull my pant leg over, or I tuck them into my boots (again, if I've got 'em on). The other place that's handy is right between yer boobs in yer bra (depending on the shirt).

Of course, you could always just carry it in your hand and then no one would stop you for innane stuff on the way to the bathroom.

Just a thought.

 
At 14 February, 2007, Blogger EE said...

O.M.G.......the whole tampon thing?! THAT is why I use OB (ok there are other reasons, but this is ONE reason why, lmao!), bc it CAN be hidden in my hand, pocket, SHOE, easily.

[shaking head]

(((you)))

 
At 14 February, 2007, Blogger Alex said...

oh god oh god oh god...that tampon story almost made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. HA!

 
At 14 February, 2007, Blogger Kim: The Mom, The Myth said...

One shouldn't scrape out a popcorn ceiling without first taking fixtures *down* and then putting them back *up* when the work's done. Maybe they're in a closet?

psst--try in your sock for the next tampon run. :)

 
At 14 February, 2007, Anonymous susan said...

OK, maybe one fan would be damaged beyond repair...but ALL of them? I don't think so.

The tampon..too funny!!!

 
At 14 February, 2007, Anonymous TB said...

Hmmm... I always thought you'd wear on the right.

 
At 14 February, 2007, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

And he must have had a little monkey on his back that needed some dope, so he took the rest of them and sold them at the flea market. Sorry. What an assh*lo. Jay may have a good idea there.

I WISH mine was as big as a tampon.

 
At 14 February, 2007, Blogger Mouse said...

*dies laughing* You should just stick the tampon behind your ear like a pen next time - that way everyone would know your intentions and not stop you on your way to the bathroom.

 
At 14 February, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

ROTFL
You're too funny. I dont suppose you could keep some in the restroom?

 
At 14 February, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

I think you have the makings of a really great marketing idea. EVERY woman can use a tampon pocket that's sewn in the seam of her dress pants. Seriously, Tink...you could be on to something here.

 
At 15 February, 2007, Blogger Samantha said...

Giggle :) I need some cheering up the telecoms people have decided that from Monday they are going to dig up our road. Yes, that's right, the road which our removal's van needs to drive up and park on on Thursday when we move.

 

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