Thursday, May 29, 2008

Are There Nuts In Heaven?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: *Crying* I just hit a squirrel!
Hoop: Aw, babe.
Tink: I've never killed anything before. It sucks!
Hoop: I'm so sorry. At least it wasn't a human.
Tink: *Sniff* That's true.


Health: I have been smoke-free for nine months, two weeks, five days, twenty hours, twenty-seven minutes and fourteen seconds. But seriously, who's counting? Overall, I have "saved" myself $1,016.72 and not smoked a total of 5,437 cigarettes. I have no idea where all that spare cash went though. I think maybe my IPod ate it. Although I have long passed the point of caving in, I still think about cigarettes at least once a week. Sometimes in a dialog.

Me: Hey there.
Cigarette: Sup.
Me: You doing OK?
Cigarette: Oh-ho, so you're talking to me now?
Me: Look, it was nothing personal.
Cigarette: Yeah, whatever.
Me: I just... didn't like your friends.
Cigarette: Who, Cool and Enjoyable?
Me: No, they were OK. It was Cancer and Emphysema. They're kind of bullies, always hanging around threatening people.
Cigarette: Oh.
Me: But it's OK. Maybe we'll hang out again someday? I probably won't care as much when I'm 80.
Cigarette: Yeah, I'd like that.
Me: Stay safe.
Cigarette: *Laughing* You're funny.

Wedding: Groom. Check. Location of ceremony and reception. Check. Flowers, dress, cake and shoes? Check! Favors. Hm, partial check. Honeymoon. Oh yeah, check that one off! Tuxedos, rings, DJ, invitations, menu, hotels, transportation, videographer, seating, unity candle, cake topper, passport- Shit. How many months do we have again? Only six! For real?! OhmyGod. So anyway, the wedding plans are going swell. My Mom and I ordered the flowers last Saturday. My bouquet is going to look something like this:

(Not my picture)

For our honeymoon we've decided to going on
this cruise. I can't even explain how deliriously happy this makes me. Cozumel! Belize! I check the site almost daily to see if they've updated the land excursions. I thought nothing would beat taste testing wedding cakes. But this, to the girl who has been all of nowhere, is by far the best surprise yet. Now for all the less-fun stuff... *Sigh*

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

*Heghjaj Harbe'wI'pu'

Not Far From The Tree:
Grandpa: I would like you guys to know, since I'll be the one marrying you, that we can incorporate anything into the ceremony you want.
Grandma: Traditions. Prayers. Special Vows.
Grandpa: Anything.
Tink: Excellent! Can you speak Klingon?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I hate being broke.
Hoop: Me too. I think we should sell Jazzi.
Tink: We are not selling the dog.
Hoop: Why not? She's fat, ugly, and needy.
Tink: Aw, she can't help it.
Hoop: We could make a fortune if we sold her by the pound!

Not Far From The Tree:
Grandpa: So I hear you have a new car-
Grandma: -and it's a stick shift!
Tink: It's beautiful.
Grandma: I also heard that you taught her how to drive it, Hoop, and that she wasn't the best student?
Hoop: Aw, that's not true. She did great.
Tink: Pfft. Don't lie. I was mean.
Grandpa: What's so hard about driving a stick shift? It's just one.. two... three.
Tink: Four... five.
Grandpa: Five?
Tink: Uh huh.
Grandpa: Your car has five gears?!
Hoop: That's right.
Grandpa: When did they start doing that?

*Which means "Death to the infidels!" in Klingon. Or so I'm told.

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Weekly Words Challenge 37!

The words for this week were Penultimate and Entrance.

How did you interpret them?


Although "Prince Caspian" is the penultimate book here, it is not the second to last book in the series. Hm. I wonder where those missing books went?


The handle to our side entrance.

The light above my parents' front door.

The entrance to a gnome hole.

(Random Pictures)


Big Brown Eye


Goldfish Soup

The words for next week are:

The words for the next four weeks will be chosen from the member suggestions on the WWC
Flickr group. If you haven't joined the fun yet, go here for details. Happy snapping!

Daily Etsy Pick:
Custom Pet Plushie
Handmade Crown
Classic Nintendo Themed Pouches

WTF Etsy?:
Vagina Plaque
Ugly Teddy
"This is my good eye."
Mounted Lion Head (Vampire Gothic?)

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

My Mom Loves Gay Techno

Which is either a fantastic title for a book, or a great reason for group therapy.

Ever since I bought my Mom an Ipod for her birthday, we've been swapping music on a weekly basis. For the most part we like the same stuff. Scary, I know. Did I mention that my Mom owned an Eminem CD before I did? Don't worry, we're beyond that now. Lately our lists have been peppered with artists and groups like Spoon, Yoav, Hellogoodbye, and Lily Allen. But every once in awhile, in the middle of a perfectly normal playlist, my Mom will throw in something completely different...

Gay techno.

I'm not using that term figuratively either. I mean no offense. I used to live with a bunch of gay clubbers. One of the guys used to borrow my clothes and the sad part was, he looked better in them than I did! Every night it was the same music, the same bubblegum beats. I have a vision permanently burned into my memory of the chubby one dancing around the house singing "Simon saysssss, 'Take off your clothes!'" And now here those songs are again, embedded in my perfectly boring mix of alternative and pop.

It's like biting into a black licorice jelly bean when you thought it was blueberry. "Tell me you're joking. You're joking, right?" I asked Mom the first time it came up. She laughed, admitting her strange obsession and said, "Aren't they great?" No, they're not. They're weird. The other day I was happily listening to Beck and all of a sudden a song titled, "What heterosexual males fear the most" popped up. I wish I was making that up. The group is Delphinium Blue. Check it out and tell me if I'm wrong. I'm working on an intervention.

Speaking of interventions, a male coworker pulled me aside yesterday to confess something... He doesn't like my shoes. Apparently, my super-comfy Easy Spirit sandals are "old ladyish" and only fit for "garden work". But it took ten minutes of buildup to figure out what he was even confessing to in the first place. He started out with the whole spiel of "Don't be offended. I'm only saying this to you because I consider you a friend. Friends don't let friends look stupid, right?" I was starting to get scared that maybe I had some kind of gross stain on my pants.

Like that time [name removed] sharted and told us he'd sat in chili. But no, my only offense was wearing unhip and ugly shoes. I am never going to hear the end of this from my two favorite fashion-savvy homebloys. Yeah, you know who you are. Please, no citations! After I got over the shock, and then the relief, I hit him with my best WTF?! face. How dare he! I don't talk to him about his outdated, stripe-down-the-side 90's dress shirts! Can you feel my outrage? I'm mentally punching him in the face with every "!" mark. Take that! And that! And that!

But you all didn't come here to hear about my Mom's weird fetish for Gay Techno, or my ridiculous shoe intervention, or even the fact that my pants are wearing out in the ass pockets. Surely a sign that I have too much junk in the trunk. You came here to hear about the rest of my vacation. Well it all seems rather anticlimactic now. I'll give you the inebriated abbreviated version. The day after we bought the car, Hoop and I heard the death cries of our starving bank account and decided not to spend any more money for the rest of our vacation.

We opted to check out some local parks instead. The first stop we made was to a little known forest that was mainly used for horseback riding. About halfway in, we realized the map we'd snagged from the park stand was five years old and completely outdated. In short, we were lost. After about an hour of hiking in the Florida sun, with no other hikers in sight, Hoop decided to air out his "boys". This followed him stripping off his shirt. Not to be outdone, I decided to strip my shirt and bra as well. We walked like this for at least forty-five minutes, grinning like fools and carrying our clothes.

Then something blue flashed ahead. I dropped to the ground, scrambling to untangle my bundle of clothes. "What is it?" Hoop asked, not even perturbed. It was two horseback riders. They were on a different trail, but still in plain sight of us. Fortunately, neither of us were seen (I hope) and we eventually found the end to the trail. All that stripping of clothes though led to some interesting tan marks in varying degrees. I think next time we'll bring sunblock... and perhaps a better map... and maybe some lube.

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Darling Belladonna

Hoop and I were already pretty high on the anticipation of our upcoming vacation when Nash suggested we go out drinking. So maybe I wasn't as careful to milk my drinks as I normally do. Within the first half hour I was feeling the effects of the martinis, which turned out to be less rum-and-pineapple and more rum-with-pineapple-garnish. The three boys, who were only drinking beer, had to clear a pitcher each just to catch up. "I have to call Allison when I'm drunk." I reminded them repeatedly. "I PROMISED." "I think you're already drunk." Hoop laughed.

Finding no reason to disagree, I dialed her number. Unfortunately, Allison was also out drinking and couldn't hear her phone over the music. Nash suggested I sooth my itchy finger by drunk dialing the President instead. Even tipsy I wasn't foolish enough to do it. So I handed my phone over to Nash and Bob instead. Hoop's convinced the FBI is tracking us now. "White house," A female voice answered. "Yeah, I'm trying to get ahold of President Bush," Nash said politely. "Their offices are closed until Monday morning, 9 am." "What time do they open Monday morning?" Bob slurred.

"9 am." There was an edge to her voice now. "How long is the average wait time to speak to a liaison?" "You really need to speak to the staff on Monday, sir." Bob, clearly losing focus, asked her what time the office opened again. "I already told you that." The rep was starting to get pissed. "I'm sorry ma'am. I have bad reception. I have Cingular." Then he thanked her, told her he loved her and hung up the phone. If anyone else is interested in making a total ass out of themselves to some poor sap stuck answering the President's phone on a Saturday night, call this number: 1-202-456-1414.

Afterward, we took pictures pretending to destroy things around town...

Hey look, a floating door!

On our way back toward the house, we crossed paths with a bum. "Spare a dollar?" He asked. "What will you do for it?" Bob called back. I think it's pretty obvious who our instigator is now. The bum wobbled on the spot, obviously drunk. "Could we get a picture with you? Or maybe a video?" Nash suggested. "I'll tell you a poem!" We all snickered. I honestly expected something along the lines of Dr. Seuss. What came out instead was simply shocking. I've translated it below for you. The video was far too dark to post. I've researched and it doesn't appear to be something published. I call it "Darling Belladonna". Enjoy. I'll have more stories for you tomorrow!

On the street it's straight.
Western philosopher living in an Eastern world.
Dividing illusion from reality.
On the path to becoming enlightened.
The door to another galaxy.
A white dove flying at night.
Zig-zags out of perception-
-and hands you the key to knowledge.
An hourglass ticking and running low.
Following the steps and seeds of destiny.
Performing acts of respect for power-
-in a manner of natural assurance.
His boiling mind, it stands out far like a tunnel.
A vision of illness within a star.
Bringing him further into the world-
-of the protector and the hidden.
Wide awake with horror, with fear.
Recalling recollections of an ancient time.
Swimming through dreams of sparkling light.
Down to the gates of eternity.
And by the way darling Belladonna.
Open your hands so we can dance.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Weekly Words Challenge 36!

The words for this week were Regret and Pure.

How did you interpret them?

I have no regrets about buying the car.

But I do regret yelling at Hoop while he was teaching me to drive it.

He's an awesome teacher. I'm just a really horrible student.


We started out with clothes...

...and a camera.

But who could resist?

(Random Pictures)

Jazzi Pants

Believe it or not, we found her this way.

Bulls Eye


The words for next week are:
Penultimate (Next to last)

The words for the next five weeks will be chosen from the member suggestions on the WWC
Flickr group. If you haven't joined the fun yet, go here for details. Happy snapping!

Daily Etsy Pick:
Vintage Word Cubes
Local Artist
Giant Tree Wall Decal

WTF Etsy?:
Barfing Batman
Butterflies In The Stomach Necklace
Salad Scarf

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Monday, May 19, 2008

Have A Lousy T-Shirt

Although you all went relatively easy on my blog (the beer can statue in my likeness was a nice touch) I can't say the same for my office. When I walked in this morning it looked like a filing cabinet had regurgitated on my desk. The secretary blamed it on Gremlins. I'm still suspicious. The vacation was wonderful. I'm still in shock that it's over. I actually tried to stop time last night. After several minutes of silence, I was almost convinced that I'd succeeded. Then the dogs barked and Hoop yelled something about laundry and the world continued spinning. Oh well.

Several amazing, wonderful and unbelievable things happened over the last week. We bought a car. We called the President. We got a bum to recite us poetry. We walked in a forest naked. We drank and laughed and watched tons of movies. We went to an amusement park, drunk dialed a fellow blogger, and attended a crazy 80's party. I learned how to drive a stick. We finally booked our honeymoon. I wish I had time to tell it right. Not today. Wednesday, hopefully. For now there's work to do and blogs to catch up on. Not to mention the business of thawing out the underwear in the freezer. Six pairs! You all have outdone yourselves.

So tell me, what did I miss?

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Weekly Words Challenge 35!

The words for this week were Seven and Earth.

How did you interpret them?


A few close up...


The words for next week are:

The words for the next several weeks will be chosen from the member suggestions on the WWC
Flickr group! If you haven't joined the fun yet, go here for details. Happy snapping.


Closed For Maintenance

And by "maintenance" I mean well deserved beach time.

Forgive me for the delay. I had good intentions, really. The WWC will be updated soon. Until then, post here when you have your pictures up. Much love Homebloys.



Friday, May 09, 2008


"Is it sinking in yet?" Hoop asked me at lunch over the phone.

"Seeing as I'm still at work? No."

I wish his enthusiasm was contagious. I'd gladly rub up against him to catch it. We're on vacation next week. Surprise! I didn't tell you because I wasn't looking forward to the crying and carrying on. Oh who am I kidding? You guys are going to raid the liquor cabinet as soon as I leave. So help me
Flying Spaghetti Monster, if I find underwear in the freezer again- Jay, I'm looking at you babe. I would also like to note that keg stands must be done OUTSIDE. The dog's dish is not a barf receptacle and please, no drunk dialing the local nunnery to say you've spotted Jesus in the bathroom of the titty bar... again.

I should be excited about these next nine days off. But I'm not. Despite my persistent nagging requests, plans were never agreed on for what we'll be doing. So I don't really feel like I have anything to look forward to. You can only play Grand Theft Auto in your skivvies for so long before even that gets old. Shocking, I know. It doesn't help that my company's 25 year old graphics girl just left for a two month backpacking trip around Europe (funded by her parents). She was so excited when she left that she was actually crying. This is me pretending not to be bitter.

I mean, so what if we're the same age and I've never been to the left side of our country let alone OUT of it? I can have just as much fun sitting around in my own stink for nine days, right? Right? Yeah, shut up. I'm sure I'll be pleasantly surprised. While I'm away,
Birdman is in charge of guarding the blog from clowns. Chelle, I need you to keep everyone supplied with cute Brendan conversation. Knight is in charge of feeding the Oompa Loompas. Corky, you have my permission to shamelessly plug the comment section with campaigns to get people to vote for you as king of the blogoverse.

P.S. The WWC should proceed on Tuesday as scheduled. No worries.

P.P.S. My Mom emailed me this morning with
this [not work safe] under the subject-line "Rugby". No warning. Just, "Rugby". Imagine my disbelief when I clicked the video link on the bottom of the page and witnessed a bunch of guys belting out "Singing In The Rain" NAKED. I've never seen so many jiggly bits at one time! Um, thanks Mom.

See ya on the flip side Homebloys!


Thursday, May 08, 2008

Scheduled Chaos

Quotes Of The Day:
1. "My hair smells like gerbils!"
2. "He just rolled over, like a tootsie roll- or a marble in a bowl- or something else that rolls."
3. "I don't mind a little chaos, as long as I can schedule when it happens."
4. My son thinks burps are farts he held in too long. Is it wrong that I haven't corrected him?

Check out this
spork themed comic Maggie found. I love her.

Also, I was voted "Most Likely to Have a Dress Made Out of Lingerie" at
Sunshine's Blog Prom last Friday. To prove it, here's my shiny new award. Marvel in its beauty.

In addition,
Odd Mix (the founding Father of the WWC!) would like it to be known that he participated in last week's words. Unfortunately, his computer decided to rebel and wouldn't let him post in that day's comments. So head over to ooh and ahh please.

Hm, what other random and interesting things can I throw at you?

I guess that's it for today. Carry on.

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Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Weekly Words Challenge 34!

The words for this week were Three and Fire.

How did you interpret them?


A few close up...

(From the archives)


Can you spot the skink?

The words for next week are:

This is the last week for the mixed theme of numbers and elements. A new theme will be announced next week! If you haven't joined the fun yet, go
here for details. Don't forget, we now have a Flickr group too. All we require is your soul. Happy snapping!

Daily Etsy Pick:
Fishy Fishy
Creamsicle Apron
The Wing Collector

WTF Etsy?:
Christmas Hat
Ahahaha. Check out the second picture!
Basket Of Crap

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Monday, May 05, 2008


My laziness has hit a new low.

I'm too lazy to write a decent post today, which is what I used to do when I was too lazy to work. So now instead of procrastinating work by posting, I'm procrastinating posting, which I do to procrastinate working, so I can stare at my computer screen and daydream about what I'm going to do on the weekend. Which, by the way, is currently five days from now. I really think I need a more stimulating job. Maybe something that will kill me if I don't do it. "If you don't push this button every six seconds on the second an anvil will fall on your head." Now THAT'S motivating!

We went and saw Iron Man this weekend. See how lazy I am? I can't even be bothered to link to the site. The movie was, for lack of a better word, fucking-awesome. It's one word! See, I put a little "-" thingy in there. The graphics rocked. The story rocked. The music rocked. And Robert Downey Jr. was HOT. There. It's limited vocabulary Monday folks. Deal with it. No matter who you are, you should go see this flick. Hoop, Lil Bit and I gave it five sporks up. Also, wait until after the credits roll. There's an extra clip at the end.

For those of you who live under rocks... It's OK. I don't judge. is Cinco De Mayo. I think that translates to Drink-tequila-until-you-can't-pronounce-the-word-tequila Day. Yay!! Actually, it's a celebration of the day Mexico declared Independence from Spain. But no one ever mentions that part. To celebrate, my boss has bought 200 cheap straw sombreros to give out at promotions around town. When I mentioned they looked cheap to a friend, he said, "Have you ever seen an expensive one?" Touche. I guess it doesn't matter anyway. Drunk people will take anything as long as it's free.

Come on, you know it's true.

I once gave a drunk friend of mine a shoe. She continued talking like it was no big deal. So I decided to give her more things. By the time I ran out of things to give her she had a shoe, a pen, my phone, a stack of coasters, an empty cup, and my purse in her hands. She didn't catch on until everyone started laughing. Then she looked down and said, "Where did all this crap come from?!" I'm not sure if Hoop and I will brave the crowd tonight or just drink at home and play Grand Theft Auto. I think I might be addicted. I played until 11 last night and just before I was going to call it quits, I found a baseball bat. It was all downhill from there.

So how did your weekend go and do you have any big plans tonight?

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Friday, May 02, 2008

Arrivederci April!

April Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Tuesday. Way to go WWC members!
2. The most popular hour being 2pm.
3. The top referrers were Jay and LL.
4. The most used search term was, "rude cactus." Wrong blog, dillholes.
5. My favorite search terms were "old fat bartenders," and "nude tractor."
6. The highest hit post (251) was on April 22nd, the first day of our new WWC
theme, numbers and elements.

30 Quirks For 30 Days:
1. I would rather not own the nicest of things.
2. I always end up worrying that I'll break them too much to actually enjoy having them.
3. I knew a guy who bought a car that was almost as expensive as my house. He would always park it at the back of lots, away from other vehicles. He'd wash it every Friday and wax it twice on Saturday. He carried a brochure of it in his wallet.
4. I used to joke that it should be penis shaped.
5. Eight months after he bought that midlife crisis car, a dump truck carrying gravel accidentally unloaded on the highway in front of him, destroying his cherry red paint. As it turned out, it wasn't something fully covered under insurance. I caught him behind his apartment one day with a bottle of cherry red nail polish.
6. He never bragged about that car again.
7. Have you noticed that the things we want to take notice of are almost always yellow (like school buses and post-it notes)?
8. Single women should wear more yellow shirts.
9. I can only take complaining for fifteen minutes and 32 seconds at a time.
10. I can almost always be bribed with cake.
11. Sometimes I find it easier to play stupid than to come off as a bitch.
12. I hate over-plucked eyebrows, errant clothing tags, and people who whistle while using the bathroom.
13. I love warm clothes, the feeling of six o'clock on a Friday night, and the smell of new books.
14. We just interviewed a young, pretty little thing to be our new promotion girl at work. You would have thought a celebrity was in the office by the way the guys were acting.
15. Sometimes men's brains remind me of fish in a bowl. You drop them a crumb and they scrounge to get it first.
16. I always did like watching fish.
17. The first time I ate sushi was on a blind date.
18. I hated it, which in turn made me hate the guy.
19. Oddly, I love the stuff now. Maybe it was just the guy I hated after all.
20. I used to read Hoop's ex's Myspace page.
21. That is never a good idea. NEVER.
22. Not even if you're bored and you hear she has a mohawk now.
24. I judge people by the bumper stickers they put on their cars...
25. ...more than the actual cars themselves.
26. Every time Hoop goes out with the boys for a drink, I make sure I'm matching him drink for drink at home.
27. It's no fun being the only sober one.
28. Unless your partner happened to be an alcoholic.

29. Would it be weird if I took pictures at my own wedding?
30. I wish I could pull off pink hair. That Esurance chick is hot!
*31. Who is the hottest cartoon chick ever? Inquiring minds would like to know.
*32. Ok, ok. MY inquiring mind would like to know.

Have an awesome weekend Homebloys!