Something Else Entirely

I know I promised a post about the bachelorette party, but I forgot my disk of pictures at home. Believe me, you want the pictures. So here' s the new posting schedule of events:

Monday- Bachelorette Party
Tuesday- WWC
Wednesday- The Cruise Ship and Key West
Thursday- Cozumel, Mexico
Friday- Belize, Central America

Until then, enjoy something else entirely.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: You need a sensor for your mouth.
Hoop: Mind your own business.
Tink: No, you mind your own business.
Hoop: You ARE my business.
Tink: Then you better mind me!

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
"Did you lick me in the face this morning?"

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: I had a bad dream last night.
Mom: Oh yeah? What about?
Tink: I bought you a key lime cake for your birthday and when I went to pick it up, it was burned. So Hoop and I decided to taste-test it and it was so good that we ate it all up.
Mom: You ate my cake?!
Tink: I went back to get you another, but all they had was raspberry. Then the bakery told me that it was the last cake they were ever going to sell because they were closing down.
Mom: Oh no!
Tink: But they told me if I ordered their magazine, it would have a recipe for the key lime cake in it. So I ordered it. Then it arrived and it was all blank! Screwed up, huh?
Mom: What in the world did you eat before you went to bed?
Tink: Believe it or not, it wasn't cake.

Have A Wonderful Weekend Homebloys!

I Got Nuffin

So, enjoy some moronic conversations.

Overheard At The Nail Salon:
Redneck Girl: Who are you voting for?
Redneck Girl 2: McCain. That other guy is... *whispers* BLACK.
RG: He's not even black. He's Arab! Did you know his middle name is Hussein; as in Saddam Hussein?
RG 2: Also, I hear he's being funded by those people who destroyed our twin towers.
RG: It's a conspiracy. I'm not letting them get control of our government.
RG 2: That's right!
RG: I'm going to go vote for McCain tomorrow... as soon as I register.

Overheard At The Nail Salon 2:
Asian Nail Technician: You still dating dat guy?
Redneck Girl: Which one?
Asian Nail Technician: Wit da baby?
Redneck Girl: Shit-no. Turns out he got another girl pregnant. Then he made her get an abortion.
Asian Nail Technician: Oh.
Redneck Girl: Like I told him, I just can't be with someone who believes in abortion!

It Writes Itself

Overheard in the Dollar Store:
Old Woman 1: You finding everything OK?
Old Woman 2: Well, yes. But, I can't find a price tag on any of this stuff!
Old Woman 1: That's because it's all a dollar.
Old Woman 2: Are you sure?
Old Woman 1: That's what it says on the sign.

Overheard in the Dollar Store 2:
Woman In Line: Char! Oh my Gawd, girl! How you doin'?
Obviously Char: Fine, fine.
Woman In Line: Whatcha doin' here?
Obviously Char: Buying a T.V. dinner.

Overheard in the Dollar Store 3:
Little Girl: Mom. Mom. Mom!
Woman: What?!
Little Girl: Can I get a constipation book?
Woman: CoMPOSItion book?
Little Girl: Yeah.
Woman: They're up front.

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
"Can we open a 'Dolla Stow'?"

A Sporkful Of Sugar

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(On the plane)
Tink: Is this seat taken?
Business Woman: No.
Tink: Mind if I-?
BW: Go right ahead.
Tink: Thanks! I promise I don't bite.
Hoop: But she DOES lie a little bit.

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
(While passing an "Adam & Eve" adult store)
We should open a gay version and call it "Adam & Steve"!

Around The Water Cooler:
Receptionist: That applicant was jumpier than a one-legged cricket!
Tink: Did you really just say that?
Receptionist: What, you've never heard that before?
Tink: Nope, and now that I have, I think I need to move.

Random Conversation:
Funeral Speaker: And now I would like to read a poem that I wrote in 8th grade...
Family Friend: Who is this schmuck?
Tink: One of Chris' military buddies. He didn't really write that poem. I've gotten that same one in an email at least ten times.
Family Friend: Oh my God, I have too! Should we stop him?
Tink: At a funeral? I think that would probably be against etiquette.
Family Friend: It might break the tension.
Tink: True.
Family Friend: You get his legs.

Sudden Death Match

Despite having "sudden" in the title, this match will go on for two and a half days, starting today at 5pm (EST) and ending on Sunday at midnight. One of these contestants has an amazing lead, which almost caused me to cancel the sudden death match entirely. But tradition is tradition folks, and I'd like to give the people who voted for the other three contestants a chance to make this one count. So for your voting pleasure, here are the top three contenders:

(Click For Larger View)

Peeking

Bullshittier

It's What's For Blog


VOTE HERE!

Please, only vote ONCE. If you'd like to see the poll results, you can go here.

In Other News:
1. The cleaning lady wasn't fired! In fact, she came in yesterday with her nine year old daughter and made the little girl apologize to my coworker. I'm not sure who was more mortified. "I was afraid I was going to make her cry!" My coworker told me afterward. I only wish I'd been around to see my post-it-note pen pal. I'm thinking of leaving her a small present, via her Mother. Whatcha think?
2. I would like to clarify that the coworker who was vandalized was NOT the same coworker in the conversation on Wednesday. But for those who were curious, the last coworker is 31 years old. I'm thinking of putting a globe in this year's Christmas gift exchange.
3. Hoop called our original wedding location yesterday to see if they'd mailed out our check yet. I was getting worried, seeing as they'd told us it was in the mail two weeks ago. Come to find out, they hadn't. Why am I surprised at this?!

Random Conversation:
(On the phone)
Tink: Hi, I was just calling to update some information.
Wedding Cake Lady: OK?
Tink: Our wedding venue has changed. We found out a few weeks ago that the coordinator had overbooked the place.
Wedding Cake Lady: Oh no! That's horrible!
Tink: Tell me about it. But we found a new location and I'm going to need to have the cake delivered there instead.
Wedding Cake Lady: Not a problem.
Tink: Also, my cellphone number has changed-
Wedding Cake Lady: -OK.
Tink: I should probably mention that those two are totally unrelated.
Wedding Cake Lady: *Laughs* I was afraid to ask!
Tink: Yeah, I'm not hiding from them or anything.
Wedding Cake Lady: I thought maybe you had punched that coordinator.
Tink: Oh I wanted to. But then how would we ever get our money back?

Have a fantastic weekend Homebloys!

Office Alien

Six months ago, the staffing agent for our warehouse handed out perfume samples to us office ladies. Most of the samples were used up or thrown out within the first month. But one sample, which I'd placed on my filing cabinet and forgot, evaporated and then sat empty. I came into work yesterday morning to find it resting on my keyboard with a note. "Can I have?" The note said in scribbly handwriting. I thought it was a joke. "Mike, did you leave a note on my desk?" I asked the office prankster. "Why would I do that?" He replied with genuine confusion.

"Well you're always screwing with my chair." "Yeah, but that's funny. If that note IS a joke, it's not a very good one." Touche. So I questioned the other office ladies. "I had a note on my desk too!" One of them exclaimed. I went over to her cube, where she pointed to a scrap of paper with the words "U R POOP" scribbled on it in blue highlighter. "Not only that," she added, "But there were pins stuck in my sweater sleeve." "Maybe we pissed off the cleaning lady?" I suggested. "Maybe one of the bosses brought in their kid?" The receptionist piped in. We all shrugged it off and went back to work.

All day I thought of those notes. "What if mine wasn't a joke?" I thought. So I put the bottle back on the filing cabinet, with the note, and a reply post-it that said "Sure." To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect anything to come of it. Then I came in this morning to find the bottle gone. "Holy shit." I thought, feeling as if I'd just made contact with alien life. Then I turned around and saw the note. "Thank u nice lady!" Was written in the middle, surrounded by crooked smiley faces. Above that note was another, in more familiar handwriting. "I did not right this note. Mike."

I resisted the urge to correct his spelling. It was excusable when it was the alien. No one would expect IT to be a master of our language. But I expected more from our forty-something year old sales manager. "Did anyone else get a note?" I asked the office ladies again. The coworker from the day before rolled out from her cube looking angry. "No," she said. "Worse." Someone (or thing) had scribbled red highlighter all over her phone and taken an ink stamp to her desk. I was shocked. Obviously the alien didn't like her very much. Maybe it had seen the photos of my dogs and found me to be nonthreatening. Her fuzzy sweater was a little scary looking.

Later that day she popped into my office. "I talked to the warehouse manager." "Oh?" "He says our cleaning lady has three little girls. I think we know who our culprits are now." So, no aliens. But that didn't stop me from feeling a slight fondness for our mystery guests anyway. There was apprehension in there too. I was a nosy kid once. What else were these kids looking through? "He talked to the cleaning agency," she added before leaving. "They had no idea she was bringing her kids to work with her. They promised to take care of the situation."

I guess there won't be anymore notes. It's a shame, really. They actually brought a little excitement to my day. I feel bad for their Mom too. There's probably nowhere for her little ones to go, what with school being out and the economy being the way it is. The kids were just being kids, bored and mischievous. I remember my Dad taking me to work during the summer. He built fences. I tried so hard to be good. But sometimes I just couldn't take the waiting anymore. I wonder if anyone ever tattled on me for drawing on the back of their fence, or if they just admired the work and wondered where it the world (ahem, universe) it came from.

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: Did you hear that Japan has nukes pointed at us?
Tink: Yeah, that's old news.
Coworker: I don't see why everyone is so worried. They'd probably hit one of those countries in between us first.

3rd Annual Blog Header Showdown Update:
Peeking- 60.5%
Bullshittier- 9.3%
It's What's For Blog- 14%
A Few Good Sporks- 4.7%
Pink Tink- 4.7%
Pouty Tink- 7%

Don't forget to VOTE!

Are There Nuts In Heaven?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: *Crying* I just hit a squirrel!
Hoop: Aw, babe.
Tink: I've never killed anything before. It sucks!
Hoop: I'm so sorry. At least it wasn't a human.
Tink: *Sniff* That's true.

UPDATES

Health: I have been smoke-free for nine months, two weeks, five days, twenty hours, twenty-seven minutes and fourteen seconds. But seriously, who's counting? Overall, I have "saved" myself $1,016.72 and not smoked a total of 5,437 cigarettes. I have no idea where all that spare cash went though. I think maybe my IPod ate it. Although I have long passed the point of caving in, I still think about cigarettes at least once a week. Sometimes in a dialog.

Me: Hey there.
Cigarette: Sup.
Me: You doing OK?
Cigarette: Oh-ho, so you're talking to me now?
Me: Look, it was nothing personal.
Cigarette: Yeah, whatever.
Me: I just... didn't like your friends.
Cigarette: Who, Cool and Enjoyable?
Me: No, they were OK. It was Cancer and Emphysema. They're kind of bullies, always hanging around threatening people.
Cigarette: Oh.
Me: But it's OK. Maybe we'll hang out again someday? I probably won't care as much when I'm 80.
Cigarette: Yeah, I'd like that.
Me: Stay safe.
Cigarette: *Laughing* You're funny.

Wedding: Groom. Check. Location of ceremony and reception. Check. Flowers, dress, cake and shoes? Check! Favors. Hm, partial check. Honeymoon. Oh yeah, check that one off! Tuxedos, rings, DJ, invitations, menu, hotels, transportation, videographer, seating, unity candle, cake topper, passport- Shit. How many months do we have again? Only six! For real?! OhmyGod. So anyway, the wedding plans are going swell. My Mom and I ordered the flowers last Saturday. My bouquet is going to look something like this:


(Not my picture)

For our honeymoon we've decided to going on this cruise. I can't even explain how deliriously happy this makes me. Cozumel! Belize! I check the site almost daily to see if they've updated the land excursions. I thought nothing would beat taste testing wedding cakes. But this, to the girl who has been all of nowhere, is by far the best surprise yet. Now for all the less-fun stuff... *Sigh*

*Heghjaj Harbe'wI'pu'

Not Far From The Tree:
Grandpa: I would like you guys to know, since I'll be the one marrying you, that we can incorporate anything into the ceremony you want.
Grandma: Traditions. Prayers. Special Vows.
Grandpa: Anything.
Tink: Excellent! Can you speak Klingon?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I hate being broke.
Hoop: Me too. I think we should sell Jazzi.
Tink: We are not selling the dog.
Hoop: Why not? She's fat, ugly, and needy.
Tink: Aw, she can't help it.
Hoop: We could make a fortune if we sold her by the pound!

Not Far From The Tree:
Grandpa: So I hear you have a new car-
Grandma: -and it's a stick shift!
Tink: It's beautiful.
Grandma: I also heard that you taught her how to drive it, Hoop, and that she wasn't the best student?
Hoop: Aw, that's not true. She did great.
Tink: Pfft. Don't lie. I was mean.
Grandpa: What's so hard about driving a stick shift? It's just one.. two... three.
Tink: Four... five.
Grandpa: Five?
Tink: Uh huh.
Grandpa: Your car has five gears?!
Hoop: That's right.
Grandpa: When did they start doing that?

*Which means "Death to the infidels!" in Klingon. Or so I'm told.

Scheduled Chaos

Quotes Of The Day:
1. "My hair smells like gerbils!"
2. "He just rolled over, like a tootsie roll- or a marble in a bowl- or something else that rolls."
3. "I don't mind a little chaos, as long as I can schedule when it happens."
4. My son thinks burps are farts he held in too long. Is it wrong that I haven't corrected him?

Check out this spork themed comic Maggie found. I love her.

Also, I was voted "Most Likely to Have a Dress Made Out of Lingerie" at Sunshine's Blog Prom last Friday. To prove it, here's my shiny new award. Marvel in its beauty.


In addition, Odd Mix (the founding Father of the WWC!) would like it to be known that he participated in last week's words. Unfortunately, his computer decided to rebel and wouldn't let him post in that day's comments. So head over to ooh and ahh please.

Hm, what other random and interesting things can I throw at you?

I guess that's it for today. Carry on.

Rated Arrrr, Mateys!

Around The Water Cooler:
Sales Guy 1: Kathy was telling me about this costume party she had last night.
Sales Guy 2: Costume party?
Sales Guy 1: It was an all girl costume party, if you know what I mean.
Sales Guy 2: Like... Pirate costumes?
Sales Guy 1: What? No! Like lingerie. I think they had blow-up dolls and stuff there too.
Sales Guy 2: Oh. Well, that makes more sense.
Tink: Really? Because I'm actually more confused.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(Dedicated to Mamatulip.)
Hoop: Bay-beeee.
Tink: Yeah?
Hoop: I need lovin'!
Tink: You're low?
Hoop: Uh-huh.
Tink: Want me to fill you up?
Hoop: Uh-huh. Right here. *Points to crotch*

Random Conversation:
Car Salesman: You'd be amazed what people tell me about the cars they bring in for trade.
Tink: Oh yeah?
Car Salesman: This one chick pulled up in a car that had a broken dashboard. She told me she'd busted it while having sex.
Tink: She told you that?
Car Salesman: So I got a good look at the chick, because you have to after hearing information like that.
Tink: Right.
Car Salesman: I came to the conclusion that the fella musta been trying to get away. Because that girl had dirt in her ears. Both of 'em! Nasty.

Have a fantastic weekend Homebloys!

There Are No Stupid Questions...

Just stupid conversations.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: You know what I hate?
Mom: What?
Tink: Commercials that portray women giggling over make-up. Who does that? I have NEVER giggled over make-up.
Mom: I giggle over make-up all the time. Is this wrong?
Tink: It is. You should definitely stop.

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: I just got attacked by a Blue Jay!
Tink: Maybe you were by its nest.
Coworker: Maybe. It dove at me when I went to the mailbox. Then it sat on the ground going, "Grrrrr."
Tink: Oh yeah? It was growling at you?
Coworker: Well... You know what I mean. It was acting like it wanted to growl at me.

Not Far From The Tree 2:
Mom: Want to go see a movie tomorrow?
Tink: Sure!
Mom: What's playing?
Tink: Um... "Leatherheads" is playing at 11:30 and "Smart People" is playing at 11:45.
Mom: What's "Smart People"? Wait. Is that a stupid question?

P.S. Twisted (Tink) has been updated with a new chapter, "The Sacrifice." Comments, suggestions, and critiques greatly appreciated! No seriously. I'm giving you permission to be brutal. Just no tomato throwing, OK? I'd hate to have to clean the blog again.

Have a fantastic weekend homebloys!

Reverse Recap

Vacation Recap:
1. You know you're getting road weary when the car you've been driving behind for two hours gets off at an exit and you think, "Why doesn't he like me anymore?!"
2. After pulling an all-nighter Friday, I wasn't too keen on repeating the eleven hour drive Monday morning. So Hoop and I decided to break up the drive between Sunday night and Monday afternoon with a comfy hotel stay in between.
3. At least that's what I THOUGHT the plan was. Hoop the great money saver had other ideas.
4. After driving from eleven until one in the morning, I decided to nap and let Hoop drive for a bit. "Wake me when we're ready to get a hotel."
5. I woke up at three to find us parked at a rest stop.
6. Sweaty, sore and still in a face full of greasy make-up, I shoved Hoop over and angrily decided to continue driving.
7. Hoop woke at six to find us still on the road and only three hours from home. My eyes were like Moonpies.
8. He wisely decided we should pull over and get a hotel room. Never has a bed felt so damn good!
9. The next afternoon, since we were so close to home already, we decided to explore Hoop's old college town for a few hours.
10. First stop was the college. The next stop was a cow field Hoop used to go shrooming in. No shrooms. But Hoop DID manage to find some ticks as he was crawling back over the fence.
11. As we were leaving I noticed a sign at the entrance to the field. "CAUTION: WASTEWATER COLLECTION AND TREATMENT"
12. "Huh," Hoop said. "No wonder those shrooms were so big."
13. Nasty.
14. Despite protests from Hoop's Dad and brother, we decided to leave late on Sunday night. We had hoped to avoid traffic.
15. We were coming up to a hill smack dab in the middle of nowhere when I looked to the horizon and told Hoop, "It looks like the sky is on fire."
16. It wasn't. It was the lights of about thirty emergency vehicles reflecting off the trees. I thought the world was ending.
17. The road was blocked off by cones at the top of the hill, but we could see all the way down to the bottom and beyond. It was an ocean of ambulances, firetrucks and police cars.
18. Hoop pulled up to a truck that had just pulled over, light-bar flashing. "What's going on?" He asked the middle-aged gentleman who got out. "Is there a way around this?"
19. The man puffed up with self-importance. "I don't know. As you can see, there's been an accident. I'm needed over THERE." His wife hopped out of the truck behind him with a video camera.
20. We turned around and took refuge in a church parking lot. Another man was there, surveying the scene from his truck. "What happened?" Hoop asked.
21. The guy was tanked. "Car flipped," he slurred. "I uh... got there just after it happened."
22. I don't know what bothered me more, the fact that all this fuss was over one lone car or that the dude parked next to us might have caused it.

More tomorrow!

Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: Just a moment. I have to find the right tape.
New Employee: Tape! You mean you guys are still using VHS?
Tink: Yup, afraid so.
New Employee: Are you even old enough to remember tapes?
Tink: Here it is.
New Employee: I bet I'm a lot older than you, huh?
Tink: Let me just rewind this.
New Employee: What are you, twenty-one? Twenty-two?
Tink: Here's the test. Let me know when you finish.
New Employee: But you have to be older than eighteen, right?
Tink: Good luck.
New Employee: Wait-
Tink: *Leaves and shuts door*
New Employee: -What am I doing again?
...
New Employee: HELLO?

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
Why does our society encourage old people to buy RVs? They can't even manage normal sized vehicles!

Farvel February

Shit. Did you all know it's MARCH already?

February Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Thursday.
2. The most popular hour being 3pm.
3. The top referrer was Joel by a landslide (324 clicks).
4. The most used search term was, "slang for intercourse".
5. My favorite search terms were "men can poop," and "coffee iv please".
6. The highest hit post (543) was on February 14th, the day Hoop left on his all-dude camping trip.

29 Quirks For 29 Days:
1. I love little items of mystery...
2. ...lock-less keys and unmatched silverware...
3. ...buttons without shirts and pretty bottle caps.
4. These treasures quickly turn into stories or artwork in my head.
5. I'd be a pack rat if I didn't watch myself.
6. When Hoop stumbles on a word that cracks me up, he finds a reason to use it during every conversation.
7. Like "ginger", or "burple", or "smushie". All three send me into a fit of giggles I can't help or explain.
8. I would rather be a little crazy than a little boring.
9. Growing up, I had a best friend who was adopted. Her siblings were ten, fifteen, and eighteen years older than her. I always thought it odd that her adoptive parents waited so long.
10. Then her Mother explained it to me one day, in front of the rest of the girl's family. Before they'd adopted my friend, they'd seriously considered buying a monkey. When they couldn't find a monkey, they settled on a baby instead.
11. It's been ten years and I still haven't gotten over my own mortification. My friend, on the other hand, acted as if it were no big deal!
12. Rotten food grosses me out more than bodily functions.
13. I have never driven in snow.
14. It's been six and a half months since I quit smoking...
15. ...but I fantasize about it every day.
16. Life would be so much better if it had a soundtrack.
17. If it did, do you think they'd make us pay by the song?
18. I've always thought orange a rather unloved color.
19. Blue is the obvious choice for most popular.
20. I often wonder if there are colors we can't see.
21. And if we can't see them, can we even imagine what they look like?
22. My dream job would be in a zoo.
23. Not like, in the food court, but actually handling animals.
24. Too bad I have absolutely no experience with that sort of thing.
25. Unless you count taming a demon dog into a civilized pet. But he was all of fifteen pounds at the time, hardly a lion.
26. I can be talked into just about anything after a good foot rub.
27. After reading a book, I usually have to give myself a day to let the characters in my head go to rest.
28. Otherwise they mingle with the next book's characters, creating bizarre storylines in my mind.
29. I've been known to fall in love with a person's voice.
*30. Only to fall out of love with their face.
*31. I put garlic in EVERYTHING but sweets.
*32. I would love to go play in the rain...
*33. ...without the repercussion of getting wet.

Not Far From The Tree:
Mom: Aren't you excited we're going to Sea World tomorrow?
Lil Bit: Oh yeah.
Mom: When's the last time you were there?
Lil Bit: Um, I've NEVER been there.
Mom: What? Are you sure?
Lil Bit: Uh-huh.
Mom: Didn't we take you-
Lil Bit: Nope.
Mom: Really?!
Lil Bit: No. You've never taken me to Sea World, Mom.
Mom: Wow, sweetie. I'm so sorry!
Lil Bit: Yeah, it's OK. I'm just the third child.

Have a fantastic weekend Homebloys!

Uber-Post

Not Far From The Tree:
Lil Bit's Friend: There are these people that crap in bottles-
Mom: They do what?
Tink: That would be tricky to manuever.
LBF: -and they let it ferment-
Lil Bit: Ewww!
LBF: -than they huff it to get high.
Mom: I don't believe you.
LBF: It's true!
Mom: Uh huh.
LBF: They call it Butt Hash.

Weekend Recap:
1. Hoop arrived home at 1:30 this morning...
2. ...and got up at 6:30 to get ready for work.
3. Despite the lack of sleep, he was UP *cough* and ready to go this morning.
4. Unfortunately, I was not.
5. After waiting until midnight last night for him, and waking every thirty minutes after because I thought I heard a key in the door, I was zombified from the time my alarm blared this morning until lunch.
6. When I say I'm not a morning person, I mean the ENTIRE morning.
7. Spending the weekend with my family was nice. Saturday night, Papa Bear was on call for his job and my brothers were spending the night at friends'. So Mom and I went to see "The Spiderwick Chronicles."

MOVIE REVIEW: It was after a rather unpromising start that I turned to Mom and said, "You know, we could have watched ANYTHING." Leave it to us to pick a kid's movie the one night we're kid-free. Fortunately, the movie got better as it went along, a lot better. The story didn't feel at all rushed, which is the plight of so many book-to-movie conversions (think Harry Potter and The Golden Compass). The computer animation was stunning. The acting was believable, and the tale itself was truly captivating. I can't wait to read the books. Mom and I gave this movie five out of five sporks.

8. Sunday morning Mom, Lil Bit, Lil Bit's friend Chance, and I went shopping. The boys, both 13/14 years old, amused us with their pessimistic teenage views and abuse of the words "uber" and "super".
9. At one point I told Chance I was going to hurt him if he said uber one more time. He told me I was uber-scary.
10. Later that night, on the way home, I had to pull over the car to wrestle a cupcake from my dog.
11. Apparently he likes them as much as I do.
12. Of course Hoop had to call at that precise moment.
13. As he passed the phone around to various family members, I tried to act interested while simultaneously playing tug-o-war with a Rat Terrier and a cupcake plate.
14. I'm pretty sure I accidentally told Nash he was a "bad dog".
15. The happy ending is, my cupcakes were saved, Hoop is home, and another Monday is almost done. Yay!

How was your weekend?

La-Dee-Da

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Wow, babe. Your ass is like a steak.
Tink: Um- Thanks?

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: What are you doing?
Tink: Noth-ing. *Sheepish Look*
Coworker: Is that bubblewrap?
Tink: No.
Coworker: Are you covering your floor with it?
Tink: Just under my chair.
Coworker: *Blink*
Tink: Want to roll across it?
Coworker: Don't you have work to do?
Tink: Yeah. But the work I have is so damn boring that I've bored myself before I've even begun! I thought this would keep me from falling asleep.
Coworker: You've lost your damn mind.
Tink: Well duh.
(Pictures to come)

Quote Of The Day:
Hypothetically, do you think it's safe to cool your coffee with one of those canned air things?

Totally Random and Cool Email Stuff:

First Male Engineer





Happy Hump Day!

Hey You, Stalker.

This year Chris Cactus, the man with the kid so cute I wonder if she's been genetically engineered, has decided to host Delurker Day. So comment, even if you don't normally. In fact, I'll make it easy on you!

Copy and paste the phrase below:

Hi, my name is (insert name here). I think you're (adjective). My favorite color is (color). My favorite food is (food). When I grow up I want to be a (person). I have a fetish for licking (first thing you see).

Not only could you gain new friends, but you're just in time to receive a Golden Spork Award! Cutoff time for comments is 5pm (Eastern Standard Time) today, by the way. Shiny utensils ROCK.

Overheard Conversation:
Doctor: Who's next?
Nurse: Tink in room 2.
Doctor: What's she here for?
Nurse: Anxiety.
Doctor: Oh! I probably shouldn't have left her waiting so long than.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
Cassh Boonus Casinoo Are you cold?
Dating for naughty people They just check "The" list.
Tooter Hoop's perfect job.
Lucidity Only on the weekend.
Unwanted pounds could be easily burnt off That sounds painful!
Wait till she sees you. Yeah, in the Intensive Care Unit.
Gynecological shrapnel It's so sad when pussies explode.

In a perfect world...

...I could have my cake fiance, and a handy boyfriend too.

I love Hoop. I think that's pretty obvious. But there is one thing that Hoop is not, and that's handy. He CLAIMS that he is. But I have yet to see any evidence of this. I think the truth of the matter is, he's handy like I'm patient. I also like to tell myself that I'm prompt too. They're both lies though. While all the other people born on January 29th of 1983 were getting their gifts, I was doled out extra helpings of chronic lateness and impatience. Can you picture the person who got my traits instead? He or she must be a fucking saint.

Two weeks ago my car started overheating. Like clockwork, ten minutes after I was on the road, the needle of my meter would shoot up into the red zone. Oddly, this always happened right in front of a church. I was beginning to think it might be a sign. Hoop checked all my fluids -on my CAR- and deemed they were OK. His conclusion was that the thermostat had gone bad. "It's just a three minute in-and-out job," he said. So I waited for him to find the time to fix it. Friday night, my car overheated three times on the way home. Then the right headlight blew out.

Needless to say, the weekend was a bit hectic, so my car never got tended to. I wasn't worried though. The car wasn't REALLY overheating, right? Tuesday afternoon one of the sales guys, who happens to be dating the receptionist, asked for my keys. He brought them back with the news that my car was out of antifreeze. Niiiice. Hoop's reply was, "So it really was overheating!" I forgave him, thinking he could make it up by filling the car with the antifreeze. Unfortunately, that didn't happen either. "I'll do it myself," I told Hoop grumpily this morning.

I found the jug sitting next to my car door... Full. "Hm. Maybe he doesn't understand how this works?" I thought to myself. The morning ran it's course and ended this afternoon in an argument. The problem is, I happen to think that I, the person in charge of cooking, cleaning, and making sure all the bills get paid, should not be the keeper of the cars as well. Besides the fact that the cars no like me, I don't have the first clue what the hell goes where, when, or in what quantity. The first time I checked my oil, I accidentally checked the power steering fluid instead.

My Mom believes it would take four people to run a household efficiently: two people to work and bring in income, one person to maintenance the inside (cook/clean/etc.), and one person to maintenance the outside (landscape/repair/etc.) Since we can't afford a maid or a handyman, I'm opting for a boyfriend. Think Chef Ramsay meets Ty Pennington. I wouldn't complain if he just so happened to look like Josh Holloway too. Then Hoop and I could work, and Chef Ty Holloway would take care of everything else while we were gone. I'd come home and he'd been all shirtless and- *Cough*

A girl can dream.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: I've got a question for you.
Papa Bear: OK.
Tink: If you had to go out in the freezing cold with only enough insulation to cover one appendage, which would you choose: your hands, your feet, your head, your chest, or your balls?
Papa Bear: How long am I going to be out in the cold?
Tink: I don't know. A day?
Mom: Hm. Tricky.
Papa Bear: Then it doesn't matter. I'm going to die either way.
Tink: Just pick one.
Mom: I'm going to say the head.
Papa Bear: Fine.
Mom: So what's the correct answer?
Tink: Correct answer?
Mom: You mean it wasn't a riddle?
Tink: No.
Mom: What the hell?
Tink: I just wanted to know! Sheesh.

The Blog Of Babble

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I didn't make too many friends when I lived in Valdosta. The people there are freaks. One time I made the mistake of going to one of the local bars. I played pool with a guy that had a screwed up hand because he'd broken it and couldn't afford to go to the doctor-
Tink: -So he was playing to round up money for the hospital?!
Hoop: No.
Tink: Oh.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: Hoop and I have decided that we're not going to have any bridesmaids at our wedding.
Papa Bear: Why the hell not?
Tink: Because I don't have any girlfriends that live locally.
Big Bit: Girlfriends *Snort*
Tink: Oh grow up. Instead, we've decided to have two groomsmen on either side.
Lil Bit: Will we have to... walk down the aisle together?
Tink: No! You'll just be waiting up at the front.
Hoop: Don't worry Lil Bit. If you keep your hair long, no one will even notice.
Lil Bit: *Glare*
Tink: Maybe we should scratch the groomsmen idea too.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Don't forget we have to stop for gas.
Hoop: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tink: Unlike you, I don't like getting gas on the way to work in the morning.
Hoop: I don't like getting gas AT ALL. I don't like getting gas in the morning. I don't like getting gas at night.
Tink: I do not like gas, Hoop-I-am.

Daily Hoop Conversation 3:
Tink: I've come up with a really great way to get exercise!
Hoop: Oh yeah?
Tink: I'm going to get up and dance during every commercial break.
Hoop: That's an awesome idea, babe.
Tink: I thought so.
Hoop: Do you know what I'm going to do at every commercial break?
Tink: Dance with me?
Hoop: No, eat an Oreo.

Also, the fresh and appetizing Edge has interviewed me. Go check it out!

The Works

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(In which I reveal our real names! *Gasp*)
Hoop: Are you farting on me?!
Tink: No.
Hoop: Yes you are!
Tink: HOW did you know?
Hoop: If I told you the sign, then you'd stop doing it.
Tink: I was trying to be sneaky, too.
Hoop: Well you weren't, Cristinky.
Tink: Cristinky! I kind of like that.
Hoop: Oh yeah?
Tink: Yeah. Just don't tell my family, because then it'll stick. Then I'll have to start a nickname war-
Hoop: -Right... So, what would mine be?
Tink: Um. Jeffpoopy.
Hoop: Real original, babe.

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: So where'd you go at lunch?
Tink: To get my little brother a birthday card.
Coworker: Aw.
Tink: Yeah. The front says, "Great, another boring birthday card." The inside says, "With a booger in it!"
Coworker: Ew.
Tink: I know, real mature. It's not like he's turning eight either. He's going to be fifteen!
Coworker: Are you putting money in it?
Tink: What do you think the booger is going to be holding in place? Duh.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Oo, babe! The local community college is going to be putting on a theater production of Peter Pan!
Hoop: That sounds... awesome.
Tink: We could take the boys (my brothers).
Hoop: Don't do that to them.
Tink: What do you mean?
Hoop: They love you, and because they like spending time with you, they'll go. But they're not going to WANT to go.
Tink: Oh my God. You're right!
Hoop: What are you doing?
Tink: Calling them.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
He will dance Only if you shoot at his feet.
Party on this Halloween You're either late or really really early.
Bigger is better they say WHO says? Please, point the way. I'd like THEM to make me clothes.
Why settle for what you have? Pfft. Yeah. Cause that would be stoopid.
Want it to hang? Like, out? No.
As seen on television Hopefully not on COPS.
Dating for sexoholics What dating? Don't they just meet at a hotel?

Question Of The Day:
Without looking back in the archives, what is the most memorable post on this blog? What about another blog? For example, whenever I think of Mama T's blog, I think of the post where Julia found a dead ladybug in the car and wanted it revived. For the life of me though, I can't find that post. I'm not dreaming it up, am I Kat? When I think of Sunshine, I think of Blog Prom. With Mignon, it's the horribly misspelled (and hilarious) Valentine's from her daughter's class. So, what is it for you? You tell me yours and I'll tell you more of mine.

A Case Of The Mondays

Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: What would you like to title this presentation, sir?
Boss: Measurable Controllables.
Tink: Measurable-?
Boss: -Controllables.
Tink: Oh-kay.
Boss: What's wrong?
Tink: I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to say that without sounding like I have marbles in my mouth.
Boss: Practice!
Tink: I hope you don't mean literally.

Thank you all for your comments on Friday's vlog! I never knew I had an accent. But now that I know, I'm going to painfully self conscious of it. So, thank you. Do you feel guilty? Ha! I already knew I had an accent. It's my punishment for all those years I made fun of the locals. One day as a joke I started saying "heyad" instead of "head," and it stuck. I'm never going to be taken seriously up North. I'm going to yell at someone and they're going to giggle and say, "She's so cute." That or they're going to try and convince me to say things.

You laugh. But that shit happens. I took my friend Tina up to Ohio and she became a local celebrity. We went to a party and the whole evening revolved around making Tina say things. "Say Momma." "Mawma." "Awwww!" "Say car." "Car." "Aw-Oh... I guess you don't say that any differently than we do." "Naw." "Awwww!" That poor girl was all mixed up. We went to Denny's and she ordered a sweet tea, so they brought her a hot tea with honey. She explained that she wanted a COLD sweet tea and they put ice cubes in it. The look on her face... It was like someone killed something right in front of her.

Back to the subject though... I'll have to make another vlog soon to prove that Hoop is still alive and that no, I didn't kill him. To answer Orhan's questions: I was sitting in the backseat of my car because I was stranded right in front of my office building. The backseat was at least shaded and partially hidden from view. But just in case, I pretended to be talking on my cell phone so that no one would notice I was talking to myself. In reality I wasn't talking to myself, but rather the camera, which was another thing I didn't really feel like explaining to everyone.

(Hypothetical)
Coworker: Were you just making a video of yourself?
Tink: Um. Yeah.
Coworker: Why?
Tink: Because it makes me feel special.
Coworker: Oh.

Some of you are here to find out about the gift I got on Wednesday night. I'll fill you in, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait for pictures until tomorrow. Oh come on, it's not like suspense ever really killed someone. Newt sent me a very original first edition of Twisted Tink. It's gorgeous. I would have paid someone a couple hundred dollars for work like this. The pages are burned around the edges and matted in a book with personalized decorations and designs for the theme of each chapter. Just thinking about it gives me the warm fuzzies. Thank you again Newt! You're an amazingly sweet and talented friend.

Don't forget WWC tomorrow!

P.S. I haven't forgotten about your blogs! Work has been nuts. So I'll be checking on everyone once I get home tonight.