Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Bum Fuck Egypt

My parents live in a two stop light town. Sure, there isn't much to do on a Friday/Saturday/any night. The grocery store is a maze of mismatch isles and it closes down at eight. The locals all know you by name, street address and plate number. But it's peaceful. The houses are inexpensive. And there are three dollar stores to amuse yourself with!

I'm really trying this whole "positive outlook" thing. I hear it does wonders for your attitude.

Bless the neighbors who are so concerned with your safety they put video cameras on their roof facing your house. Or the kids at the park who put on firework shows at 3 am to let you know they think you're oversleeping. Bless the blue hairs and cows, tractors and school buses who block the only road out of hell town so that you don't get a speeding ticket down the road.

I can be thankful for everything this little town has given me...

Except for my "friend," the gas station attendant. I've never been so uncomfortable getting gas in my whole life. I almost ran out one morning on the way to work because I'd rather walk my happy ass 50 miles than listen to him talk. You see, he's writing a book. He got involved with one of those self publishing scams a while ago and now he thinks he's a pro. "A modern day Twain." The con-artists actually sent him an email saying the book had reached the best sellers list!

Those of us not living in Bum Fuck Egypt know this isn't true.

But he believed.

Attendant: You off this weekend?
Tink: Yup.
Attendant: I have tomorrow off. I think I'm going to work on my novel.
Tink: Well that sounds like a lovely way to spend a day off.
Attendant: I'll bring you the first three chapters some time.
Tink: Oh. Um. Ok. *Goes to leave*
Attendant: Wait a second. *Digs around behind counter* I just so happen to have a copy with me today!
Tink: Gee. That's great.

It wasn't just a copy. It was laid out in a binder with a cover page, all prepared. He'd been waiting to make his move. The first page was nothing but descriptions of a room. He wrote in detail about where tables and chairs were placed, what they were made out of, and how they looked and felt. The next few pages described his characters. "He was of average height and build with a long winding beard and sharp blue eyes..." Blah, blah, blah. I tried not to fall asleep. Two chapters later he started into the actual story.

He writes well, albeit using the words "chided" an obsessive amount. But there's too much narrative and the story feels recycled from something Tolkien wrote. It's about a bunch of dwarves, humans, and elves that band together to fight off some evil trolls. The main character has a hammer that makes him indestructible, but when he uses it he hears sinister voices in his head. Sound familiar? Maybe it was melted down later on to forge a ring. Hmmm.

I have to bring the binder back to him tonight. Here's the problem. What do I say? Should I be honest? Should I lie to him like everyone else? Normally I would be thrilled to read someone else's writing. I know some eloquent authors (and should-be authors):
Jess. Mamalujo. Mignon. Stephen King. Ok, so I don't know King. I don't know this guy either. In fact, he creeps me out a little. The moment that binder landed in my hands I thought, "How soon can I give this back?"

So considering the nature of the writing and our relationship to each other, which is nil, should I be honest or I should I be nice and get the hell out of there?

Speaking of pushing off writing on unsuspecting victims...

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter,
"One Small Step For Fairies." Sorry for the delay! I really appreciate those who have continued reading, despite my inconsistent updating. I made this chapter extra long for you. I'm still taking guesses as to what's going to happen next. No one's gotten close enough to the answer to win the personalized post.

There will be no post tomorrow. I'm taking the day off to catch up on everyone's blogs.

Thank you to everyone who came by and wished me a Happy Birthday. And thank you Jay for sending half of those well-wishers here. ;)

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Monday, January 29, 2007

On This Day...

1 year ago: I was waking up to the man I love, holding breakfast and a plaid-wrapped present that turned out to be the world's greatest coffee maker.
2 years ago: My Father was in town, for what would turn out to be the last time we would see each other.
3 years ago: Another visit from my Father, this one more cheerful. We spent the day building a fence and bonding. A memory I cherish more than the finished product.
6 years ago: Abandoned by friends, I spent the evening in a dirty bar playing round after round of darts with strangers. I came home late. But my Mom was still up, waiting by the door with a bouquet of pink roses.
8 years ago: Mom and I ran off to Orlando for a week. We hopped the parks during the day and walked the shops at night. It was the best vacation I've ever had.
15 years ago: It was the year I learned how to roller skate. We threw my party at the rink. My Dad couldn't stop me long enough to have cake.
23 years ago: My Grandfather took my Mom and I out to a fancy restaurant and I decorated the floor with a whole birthday cake. He tipped the waitress half the amount of the tab that night.
24 years ago: I was born, blue-faced and bald. As soon as they cut the cord from around my throat, I inhaled and screamed... Thus, my life began.

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night we met up with my Grandparents for an early birthday dinner.
2. It was wonderful, save for our server and an embarrassing moment or two.
Server: Would you like another drink?
Tink: No, I'm fine. Thanks.
Server: Ok, I'll bring you another.
Tink: NO. I don't want another.
Server: Oh! Ok.
Hoop: Can I get some Mayo?
Server: Sure... and I'll be right back with your drink ma'am.
3. The most embarrassing moment happened as I was opening the gift from my parents, or rather AFTER I realized what it was.
4. Bras and thongs.
5. Don't get me wrong. I was thrilled with the present! Just not so much with my Grandfather's insistence to see what I got.
6. Or with the smirk from the gentleman at the table next to us when I showed him.
7. Saturday afternoon Hoop and I ran to the hospital to see his Grandfather. AG has pneumonia and fluid in his lungs.
8. We expected the worst.
9. We should know better by now.
Hoop: Don't you want your food Grandpa?
Alzheimer Grandpa: I'm not hungry.
Tink: You have to eat! That's part of the reason you're in here.
AG: How do you expect me to get hungry just lying in a hospital bed all day?!
Tink: ...
Hoop: He's got a point.
10. That night we stayed at Hoop's Mom's house. It was nice to have a quiet room to ourselves.
11. Not to mention a bar only a couple blocks away.
12. The best part of the night was when we bumped into
Tom, our stray from Christmas break.
13. Obviously he didn't commit suicide as we'd suspected.
14. And apparently he's "too cool" for us now, which is AWESOME considering how we left off.
15. Hoop and I toasted to his release from the brothel.
16. Sunday, we did some window shopping for overpriced couches and beds. We were originally looking for underpriced things. But since there were none of those to be had, we amused ourselves with window shopping instead.
17. Before heading home we stopped at a coat store, where Hoop purchased my birthday present. A cream suede jacket.
18. It's gorgeous, and totally impractical. I can't even keep black clean.
19. All in all it was a really nice weekend. I felt more free and happy than I have in a long time. Hoop and I were able to relax and find some piece of mind. A preview of things to come, hopefully.
20. The house closing is scheduled for next Monday!

Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: Brrrr. It's so cold!
Coworker: I know. This is ridiculous. I'm writing a letter to God.
Tink: *Snort* Good luck with that.
Coworker: I'll put your name on it, OK?
Tink: Don't forget to overnight it.
Coworker: I was thinking Angel might be quicker.

Around The Water Cooler 2:
Coworker 2: Geez. How cold do you think it is out here?
Tink: 28 degrees.
Coworker 2: *Blink*
Tink: My car has a built in meter.
Coworker: Well Tink... I think it's time we moved to Florida.
Tink: I bet it's nice and warm there.
(In case you're new here, or slow, I DO live in Florida. It's not nice or warm right now.)

How was your weekend?

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Friday, January 26, 2007

Going On An Otter Hunt

In eighth grade my English teacher had everyone write down their most positive attribute. Some kids wrote "Beauty." Others, "Athletic Ability." As a contestant for the "Most Likely To Succeed" title in the year book, I felt confident enough to write down "Intelligence." I lost the title a day later to a German girl whose parents believed we'd been dropped off by aliens as a science experiment.

But I wasn't bitter...


To this day I've always believed myself to be a smart person. I read a lot, I watch the news, and I've accomplished a fair amount of goals for my age. That is... until I was outsmarted by an otter. Every morning, as I pull into the driveway at work, I see an otter splashing around in our holding pond. As a lover off all things cute, I decided to go out and get a picture of him this afternoon. So out I went, camera in hand and a coworker for company.

Our mission was easy. Sneak up on otter. Take picture. We walked around for 40 minutes. We saw tons of gutted fish and at least four dens. But no otter. "Maybe he's sleeping," my coworker mused. "Maybe he's warming up somewhere," I thought. I mean seriously, what the hell do I know about otters? So we made the long, cold trek back to the car. As we got in, I looked over the glistening water and saw... the otter, standing on his back feet and looking at us. "I'll be damned," I said. I swear he was smiling.

Off he hopped, happily, toward the pond where we'd just spend our entire lunch looking.

Courtesy of
Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...


Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Do you know what I secretly hope?
Hoop: What's that?
Tink: I hope Tom and Katie Cruise get divorced and she writes a tell-all book about their lives. I bet she's going through some freaky shit.
Hoop: Even if she gets out, she'll never be the same.
Tink: And now the Scientologists are trying to make Tom their "Jesus."
Hoop: That reminds me, we have an appointment next Friday.
Tink: For what?
Hoop: We have an interview at the Church Of Scientology. Apparently they run you through a bunch of tests and questions before they accept you into their religion.
Tink: Ha ha, very funny.
Hoop: I'm serious.
Tink: Well I have a dentist appointment on Friday. I'll be too drugged up to go. But that shouldn't stop you. Take plenty of notes for me.
Hoop: Drugged up? Even better! They prefer you under the influence. The mind control works easier that way.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(On two-ways)
Tink: Aww! I just saw a bunch of baby cows. There were running around and butting heads.
Hoop: Mmmm. I think I'll have veal tonight.
Tink: You're awful.
Hoop: They're just cows.
Tink: But they're SO cute!
Hoop: They're stupid animals babe. An average cow thought is, "Grass. I like grass. Hey, why's that guy playing with my nipples? Grass. I like grass."

In Other News:
  • Be glad you're not an iguana. This little guy has had an erection for a week. So the zoo has decided to cut his "junk" off.
  • Possibly my new favorite invention... Caffeinated Pastries!
  • Subliminal messaging? Or just a hungry video editors mistake? You be the one to decide.
  • I popped on Yahoo to check my email this morning and was warmly greeted by myself Tinkerbell. "Come here!" She seemed to wave. So I followed her here. There was a countdown on it this morning for the unleashing at 1. I still don't know what the heck it is. A new ad campaign? I feel totally duped.

    P.S. Does anyone know how I can make my arrow look like
    this? I can't stop reloading the page so I can play with it!

    P.P.S. I'm working on another chapter of
    TT. Look for updates Monday afternoon.

    Have a great weekend!
  • Labels: ,

    Thursday, January 25, 2007


    Daily Hoop Conversation:
    (Talking on two-ways)
    Tink: Hold on babe. There's a moped on the road. I'm going to try and pass it.
    Hoop: OK.
    Tink: You will not believe what I just saw.
    Hoop: What?
    Tink: When I went to pass, I noticed the driver was bobbing his head up and down really hard. So of course I looked in my rearview to see what was going on-
    Hoop: Uh huh.
    Tink: -and he was wearing clown make-up!
    Hoop: Clown make-up.
    Tink: Yeah. Freaky huh?
    Hoop: I know how much you love clowns.
    Tink: He had a white face, a big red mouth, and two black triangles under his eyes. Should I go back and take a picture?
    Hoop: You would go BACK?
    Tink: I wouldn't get OUT. Didn't you hear me? There's a fucking clown out there!

    RETURN OF THE Things That Make You Go, "WTF?":
    1. I can never remember which "which/witch" is which.
    2. He's the un-silent silent partner.
    3. I used to be scared of my vibrator. So I started calling it Huey, after that cute white duck on cartoons. I'm OK with the vibrator now. I'm just not OK with ducks.
    4. Do you think they have hookers in heaven?

    Not Far From The Tree:
    Papa Bear: Come here Big Bit.
    Big Bit: Why?
    Papa Bear: I want to wipe a booger on you.
    Big Bit: Ew! No way. Use a towel.
    Tink: A TOWEL?
    Big Bit: It's better than my shirt!
    Tink: I don't know if anyone's told you, but there are these things called tissues.
    Big Bit: Those are for your butt.
    Tink: *Slaps forehead*
    Big Bit: If I use that other stuff then I have to replace it.

    January Search Terms:
    (What people put into search engines that bring them here)
    1. cross eyed bear that you gave to me lyrics So you thought it was a scary carnival prize too?
    2. intense orgasm's
    There is NO "I" in orgasms. But there is an "O." As in "Ohhhhhhhh!"
    3. tink gay Sorry, I have never tasted the rainbow.
    4. I have a saggy scrotum Thanks for sharing.

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    Wednesday, January 24, 2007

    Two Laughs

    My Grandfather left yesterday. Papa Bear, Hoop, and Big Bit have been sick for two days. The house process is going painfully slow. Work is swamped. On top of all my other duties, I've been given the exciting task of interviewing candidates for a position similar to mine. That wasn't sarcasm. I really am excited, once I get past the nervousness. It's been chaotic.

    Life keeps coming in slivers, slices just big enough to tease me with. The only break I get is during the commute to work, which provides ample time to think. Thank God for that at least! There's a story that's been rolling around in my head for years. I think about it now while driving. It's still bare, at best. It doesn't have a middle or an end. The fragments hardly form a spine. But today it's all I have to offer...

    A few thoughts and pretty words. Enjoy.


    My father had two laughs.

    One was genuine. The other was genuinely cruel. Although the first laugh rarely made an appearance, I lived for it. It fed me, a comfort from the starvation caused by the second. I gauged my life and my actions by which laugh I received, a seed of paranoia that took over twenty years to dig out. As an adult, people have spoken more freely about my Father. They say he was happy once. They say it was the drugs, the alcohol, or the jail time that rotted his heart. I think he was just able to hide it better.

    People take pride in how well they know the people they love. As hard as it is to believe, it's really no different when dealing with people you hate or hate-to-love too. The distinction is in what kind of pride you get from it. Knowing someone you hate better than anyone else is not something you care to share. My father was not a good man. He wasn't kind, or sane, or healthy. But I knew him, through and through. People tried to predict him. They gave reason to his actions. They guessed, and I knew. Sadly, I was proud of that.


    Tuesday, January 23, 2007


    Like muffins, only better...

    Drive-by Sunset

    Rain Day

    Once in a purple moon...

    Book Buddy

    Sun Bathing


    Monday, January 22, 2007

    Going Postal

    Weekend Recap:
    1. Friday night I turned into a black hole of unhappiness...
    2....sucking up everyone else's good cheer around me.
    3. It was horrible, like watching a train wreck.
    4. Only, I was driving the train.
    5. Statistics say that January 24th is the unhappiest day of the year.
    6. People are starting to pay back what they owe for Christmas. There are no more celebrations. Unreasonable resolutions have been broken, and the winter weather is starting to get old.
    7. Which makes sense. But I think my "unhappy day" came early this year.
    8. Don't worry. I'm over it now. It's time to for an attitude tune-up.
    9. Saturday morning we were visited by aliens my Grandfather from Phoenix.
    10. We never quite know how to act when he's around.
    11. In his prime, my Grandfather worked for the CIA. After that it was on to fortune 50 companies. Now, at an age where most would retire, he's an investor in a high profile golf company.
    12. Although sweet, he's a little detached from normal life. He has no idea what things cost or how to take care of himself in the most rudimentary ways. Doing laundry or making a sandwich boggles his mind.
    13. When my Mom was 18, he divorced my Grandmother so he could marry his secretary. They later adopted two girls, my aunts. They are 17 and 19 now.
    14. As a way of relating to me and my life, my Grandfather brought up that my 19 year old aunt will be closing on a house next month.
    15. A brand new house. One which she'll have to pay nothing on.
    16. The black hole part of me wanted to say something snotty, diminishing the happiness he felt with my misery.
    17. But I didn't. Because I realized a huge part of that misery was actually sadness on the behalf of my aunt. Something he couldn't have understood.
    18. How do you love a house that didn't take blood, or sweat, or tears to get? How do you build strength and pride if you don't ever have to exert yourself?
    19. One of the most defining moments of my life happened on the floor of my kitchen, barely three months into buying my house. I was sobbing, torn between gratitude and the terror of failure. "This is MINE." I kept telling myself. "And I could lose it all."
    20. Sunday, Hoop and I escaped from my parents' house for a football party thrown by his boss.
    21. She had the food prepared, the game on, the beer chilled, and the guests had all arrived...
    22. Unfortunately, she'd been drinking since 11 and went MIA 30 minutes into the game.
    23. So we all went outside and played a competitive round of
    24. The pressure was so intense that by the last round I fully expected a fight to break out.
    25. But it didn't... and we won.
    26. Of course we didn't think to consult the handbook until AFTER the game, in which we realized we'd been playing it all wrong.
    26. So much for Hoop and I becoming professional Lame-O Baggo players. I guess it's back to our dreams of
    Dodge Ball.

    Around The Water Cooler:
    Hoop: I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.
    Hoop's boss: At least your desk has been cleaned for you.
    Hoop: What's that?
    HB: I took the liberty of going through everyone's desks and organizing them.
    Hoop: Why?
    HB: *Shrugs* It's just something I do.
    Hoop: What about all those loose papers? I had those out because they weren't completed.
    HB: Oh. Well, I filed those.
    Hoop: *Grits teeth*
    Tink: Wait a second. You go through your employees' desks?
    HB: -And I organize them.
    Tink: Girl... You're a freak.
    HB: A NEAT freak.
    Tink: No. You're just a regular freak.

    Daily Hoop Conversation:
    (After searching for Hoop's keys for 20 minutes)
    Tink: Oh shit. *Starts laughing*
    Hoop: Did you find them?
    Tink: Yeah.
    Hoop: Where were they?
    Tink: On my key chain!
    Hoop: That's great... I wish you would have realized that BEFORE we jimmied my car open.
    (Five minutes later, after parting ways, I get a phone call)
    Tink: Yes?
    Hoop: Babe, do you have my cell phone?
    Tink: Ummm. *Digs in purse* Yeah.

    Hoop: What is this, I meet you for lunch and then you jack my shit?
    Tink: I didn't want to leave!

    Around The Water Cooler:
    Coworker: I am so tired.
    Tink: Rough night?
    Coworker: We found a rabbit hidden in my son's closet last night.
    Tink: Awwww.
    Coworker: No, not "awww". He did it after my wife and I both told him he couldn't have it.
    Tink: Are you worried he can't take care of it?
    Coworker: No. He's really good with animals.
    Tink: Rabbits are a bit messy though.
    Coworker: That's not it either.
    Tink: OK. Then what's the big deal?
    Coworker: Eventually the damn thing is going to die.
    Tink: And that would make you... upset?
    Coworker: No, I'd be fine. It's other people's grief I can't stand. It's the same reason I didn't want my wife getting a dog.
    Tink: Wow. I had no idea you were so sensitive.

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    Friday, January 19, 2007

    Stretched so thin...

    ...there are holes in my skin.

    In ten days it'll be my 24th birthday. I'm not even the slightest bit excited. I wish no one else cared either. Getting older doesn't bother me. I don't mind the attention. I like the cheesy cards and the extra large slices of cake. I guess it's just that it feels so damn inconvenient. Everyone keeps asking me what I want. They think my shrugs and replies of "nothing" are polite. I have everything and everyone in my life that I want. What I need is a little piece of mind. Can you buy that at Hallmark? I'd like a case or two.

    Two nights ago I walked in on whispers. Everyone at the table immediately shut up and smiled mischievously. Do you know what my first thought was? "How can they think of birthdays when there is loan paperwork to sign and insurance companies to call?" Yeah... That felt like a two bottle moment. I've begun looking at my life through beer goggles. Each stressor gets awarded a shot or bottle of alcohol. I may not be able to drink whenever I want in real life... but I can sure as hell work my way towards a nice mental buzz.

    Today I'm half way to tipsy. I'm hoping to be mentally drunk by five.

    5 Minutes Of Random Thought:
    Start. Uck. My mouth tastes like ASS. Not that I know what ass tastes like. But I can imagine. Our sense of taste and smell are odd mechanisms. It's the reason I can't eat yellow Pez. Not because they taste like ass too. But because they taste how Lemon Pledge smells, and I refuse to eat wood cleaner. I wasn't that much into paste or paint chips as a kid. Why start eating strange things now? And why don't our own body smells bother us as much as other people's do? Are there receptors in our nose that can tell the difference? They sit up there just waiting for the next mystery guest. "What is that?" "I think it's a dirty sock." "Is it someone else's?" "Nope, it's ours." "Quick! Send Brain the 'smells like roses' message!" I've seen my brothers sit in a cloud of their own funk and act completely unfazed. Pffft, act. They AREN'T fazed. So of course I don't realize what I'm walking into until it's too late. Do they make smell-o-meters? It would be a handy thing to install in the next house. End.

    January Search Terms:
    (What people put into search engines that bring them here)
    1. is there something in gummy bears that make your boobs grow?
    2. puking cat alarm clock For those really heavy sleepers.
    3. runaway boobs I'm looking to adopt!
    4. yodel in the canyon of love

    Have a great weekend!

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    Thursday, January 18, 2007

    Open Floor

    It's days like today that make you wonder...

    Am I blue because it's raining? Or is it raining because I'm blue?

    The Scuba Ring: Had I known my dream from yesterday would provoke such interesting conversations and advice, I might have brought the topic up sooner. To clarify, I'm not worried about when Hoop will pop the question. I'm perfectly happy with my life (and the people in it) just the way it is. There's no sense to hurry. Especially when the process of getting there is so enjoyable!

    My worry is that Hoop hasn't thought about it. It would break my heart MORE to know that I'm not worth the consideration, than to plan for it and never have it happen. I know a woman whose parents have been together for over thirty years. They've had kids together. They've bought a house together. But they've never been married. The reason? "It just never came up."

    I don't want to be one of those couples. Perhaps there's a small part of me that's panicked because I'm investing in a house that's built for two. I'm making a huge leap of faith with absolutely no guarantee behind it. But that's life, right? If it were easy it would come with a handbook. So there's my two cents. Feel free to donate your own and tell me what's on your mind.

    The floor is open to all things taboo.

    (Religion. Politics. Vibrators. Give me something good.)

    January Search Terms:
    (What people put into search engines that bring them here)
    1. cat sick puke repeat clean puke rinse repeat
    2. historical paintings of twins pinching nipple Ah, historical. So that's how you get around the filters at school!
    3. i had a peeing attendants in the car
    Hitting that bottle IS pretty tricky.
    4. the Sims 2 vibrators To activate it do you double-click the mouse? ;)

    Daily Hoop Conversation:
    Hoop: My ankle hurts.
    Tink: Did you just say "cankle?"
    Hoop: No! I have small ankles.
    Mom: Did you just say you have a small "tinkle?"
    Hoop: *Blush* Oh my God.
    Mom: That's not something I would advertise honey.

    Not Far From The Tree:
    (While sitting outside)
    Tink: *Puts sweater over knees* I wish I had boobs this big!
    Mom: Ew, no.
    Tink: Why not?
    Mom: The weight would make you walk like this- *hunches over*.
    Hoop: You wouldn't be able to see your feet.
    Mom: And when you got older they'd sag so much you'd have to tuck them into your socks!
    Hoop: You'd turn too quickly and end up doing circles trying to stop.
    Mom: You wouldn't be able to-
    Tink: -OK, ok! I get it.
    Hoop: Aw. I was just getting started.

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    Wednesday, January 17, 2007

    Easy Button

    It's gray, cold, and raining.

    My motivation is hovering somewhere near zero.

    You know you've hit the bottom of the barrel when you're too lazy to take something off the
    P.I.T.S. list. If I were hungry right now, I'd be begging someone to feed me. It's a damn good thing I don't have to use the bathroom. So please, enjoy some random things that took absolutely no effort to write.

    1. Thanks to the wonderful and talented
    Mike Y, Pickled Beef now has an icon attached to it! To see it, save this site in your favorites. A little "Tink" should show up next to the URL.
    2. I spent the whole afternoon calling insurance agencies, two of which never picked up. One hung up on me. Another promised to call back, and didn't. The last one will be faxing me an estimate by tomorrow. "Are we there yet?!"
    3. There is no 3. This list just looked naked without it.

    Dream Replay: As Hoop and I were folding clothes, I reached across to grab a shirt and accidentally shook a ring loose from its folds. It bounced off the table and landed on the floor between us. I glanced at it and then back at Hoop. He ignored the situation entirely, too engrossed in the shirt he was folding. Suddenly, anger flared up inside my head. "I'm not going to accept that unless he asks me properly!" I thought. So I disregarded it, for what felt like hours, until the curiosity built up. As I reached down to snatch the ring from the floor, I realized what it really was... A rubber ring from the inside of a scuba mask. Huh.

    Around The Water Cooler:
    (On phone)
    Account Rep: Hi, Ms. Erbell?
    Tink: That's correct.
    Account Rep: I'm calling you for price information on the Kawhoes.
    Tink: Price information on what?
    Account Rep: Kawhoes.
    Tink: Uh... We don't have a product by that name.
    Account Rep: Yes you do. I'm looking at it right now.
    Tink: Could you spell that for me?
    Account Rep: C.H.A.O.S.
    Tink: *Slaps forehead*


    Tuesday, January 16, 2007

    Something Witty Goes Here

    Weekend Recap:
    1. Over the weekend Hoop and I practiced being vegetables.
    2. I'm excited to announce I might have a career in playing a potato...
    3. ...if Lay's is ever looking for a mascot.
    4. The three main events on Saturday were reading, watching
    "The Island", and taking pictures of a couch burning.
    5. Actually, it exploded first. Then it burned.
    6. One of my brother's friend's Dad pulled up just as we were gathering around the blaze.
    7. I thought for sure he'd ask what we were doing. He didn't.
    8. Which made me realize how desensitized the local rednecks have made everyone.
    9. Sunday, Hoop and I went furniture shopping.
    10. I kept pointing out comfortable couches with modern designs.
    11. Hoop kept pointing out leather chairs that looked like they'd been made from the skin of a 90 year old woman addicted to tanning beds.
    Tink: You know what your tastes remind me of?
    Hoop: What's that?
    Tink: My paternal Grandfather.
    Hoop: That's cool.
    Tink: *Shrug* If you like being compared to an old, fat Italian who liked to smoke cigars and play slot machines.
    12. Houston, we have problems.
    13. On the way home we stopped to go grocery shopping.
    14. I used to like buying food. Not anymore.
    Tink: We're only allowed to have three kids OK?
    Hoop: Oh-kay. Why?
    Tink: Six people is too fucking many to feed. I can't find anything besides Hamburger Helper in bulk that won't take two hours to cook.
    Hoop: I really had my heart set on nine kids. That way we could start our own baseball team!
    Tink: Yeah well, UNSET it.
    15. Poor Hoop.
    16. The house closing has been set to February 8th...
    17. ...IF I can find an insurance company that will take me.
    18. Apparently most companies won't accept a house if the roof is over 18 years old.
    19. They won't accept trampolines either.
    20. I wonder if sex swings are on that list?

    Courtesy of
    Odd Mix:


    ...to spend the afternoon lying on a bleacher.

    (Some Random Weekend Pictures)

    Lamp Light

    Up In Smoke

    Winter Berries

    Daily Hoop Conversation:
    (On two-ways)
    Hoop: I HATE this traffic!
    Tink: I know babe. Not too much longer.
    Hoop: I wish I had a device that could freeze time. Then I could whip through and no one could slam on their brakes or cut in front of me.
    Tink: But if you had that capability, eventually everyone would have it.
    Hoop: So?
    Tink: They could freeze you first. Then you'd get home even later!
    Hoop: But that's the beauty of it! When you freeze time, you go to another dimension temporarily. THIS dimension would keep moving.
    Tink: Couldn't that dimension be just as crowded as this one though?
    Hoop: No, because each second is a different dimension.
    Tink: Ohhh. So what if you and another guy hit the button to freeze time at the exact same second, transporting yourselves to the same dimension, and then had a car accident? No one would be around to help you.
    Hoop: We wouldn't need help.
    Tink: No?
    Hoop: The impact of traveling faster than the speed of this current dimension would obliterate us.
    Tink: I see you have this all worked out.
    Hoop: I've had a lot of time to think about it.

    P.S. Thanks to all who delurked on Friday's post. You're awesome! You really are.

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    Monday, January 15, 2007

    Dandelion Heads

    (A post dedicated to CNN. I'm quitting you. You're more depressing than watching "Pimp My Ride" on the day your car dies.)

    I remember running around my Grandparents' yard with my cousin. I was eight or nine. She was eleven. We ate chives and raspberries plucked from the garden out back and pretended we were Indians. We chased each other in dizzying circles, ripping dandelions from the ground. The sticky flower juices flowed over our fingers like glue. We'd hold the flower heads up to our chins. If it turned your skin yellow, you liked butter. No one ever explained how that was relevant. But we all knew it was true.

    Sometimes the flowers would end up in garlands or crowns, weaved together in messy ropes. Most times they'd meet their end by decapitation, a game that left us in a fit of wicked giggles. "Momma had a baby and its head popped off!" Popped off. Who teaches an eight year old that? It was probably the same person who taught me the "Ms. Suzy" songs. "Ms. Suzy had a steamboat. The steamboat had a bell. The steamboat went to heaven. Ms. Suzy went to HELL-o operator. Please give me number nine. And if you disconnect me, I'll kick your fat behind..." My Grandma (a psychologist) was convinced my Father had created those songs as a way of getting back at my Mother.

    I remember the childhood feeling of being taken care of. Back in the day when my Mother's leg was a shield for all disasters, I knew no fear too great for her to handle. The world was a safe place to be. Babies heads didn't really come off. Believing in something was all it took to make it happen. The key to saving the Earth was recycling. War was something that happened a long long time ago. Love was always enough. Money came in abundance to those who truly needed it. Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy visited ALL children, not just the ones who could afford them.

    And then I grew up...

    Somedays I imagine we're all dandelions.

    A bunch of flowers in God's hands.

    Waiting for that moment we lose our heads.

    Tomorrow: Weekend Recap, WWC pictures, and catching up on comments/blogs... A much happier and uplifting post!

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    Friday, January 12, 2007

    Unleash Your Inner Stalker

    I dub thee "Delurking Day!"

    Come out, come out, wherever you are! Go ahead, tell me what you think. I'll accept all forms of praise, hate mail, and general suggestions as to what additions you'd like to see in 2007. But please refrain from throwing tomatoes. Chocolate, on the other hand, is OK.

    House Update: Wednesday night my family and I sat around the inspection forms, adding and subtracting repairs from our priority list. With each little check I felt my stomach tighten. "You're going to need to replace the roof in three years." "I don't think you can afford to get those popcorn ceilings scraped." "Did you read this? It says there's no electricity running to the dryer!" I was surrounded by people, and I felt so alone.

    In my corner I had the concerned parent, the wannabe expert, and the guy more concerned with the status of our flat screen TV than the stability of the actual house. Can you guess which one was which? Neither was very much help. By 11 o'clock that night I had hit my mental limit. And then Duff (the dog) ate my underwear... Funny how the smallest things can send you hurtling over the edge. In a stream of tears and profanity I started venting my frustration.

    The tantrum began with my woes over clothes, and ended with, "..and then all my teeth are going to rot out. How the hell am I going to be able to afford a dentist? I can't even buy replacement underwear! Just hand me a pair of fucking pliers." I think I might have blacked out. Besides some faulty wisdom teeth I've needed removed for two years, my hygiene is really good. I swear!

    The next morning I woke up with Julia Robert's lips, and my eyes looked like they'd been stung by a bee. The situation was dismal... at best. So I decided to email a friend, one far wiser and more level headed than I (Thank you, again. You know who you are). After that, things started to fall into place. Issues were fixed. Loan options were readjusted. I fell into a plan that would not only work, but leave me with extra cash to work with.

    If all goes according to plan, Hoop and I should have a new house by mid-February. Of course my sanity might be gone by then and my hair might have turned prematurely white with stress. But at least we'll have a home!

    Daily Hoop Conversation:
    (On two-ways)
    Tink: Babe, Jesus is looking at me.
    Hoop: WHO is looking at you?
    Tink: Jesus. Oh and Santa, Frosty, a Reindeer, and three black wise men.
    Hoop: Oh-kay.
    Tink: This truck in front of me is carrying a whole yards worth of holiday decorations.
    Hoop: Must be an after Christmas sale.
    Tink: Or he's taking them to storage. It looks like the decorations are having a party.
    Hoop: That's the oddest party I've ever heard of.

    Courtesy of
    Odd Mix:

    The words for this weekend are...


    If I actually get a free moment this weekend, I'll be dedicated to participating.

    Out And About:
    (Talking with the sweet, little old lady who works at the gas station)
    Tink: What are you doing?
    Attendant: Dancing.
    Tink: Cute.
    Attendant: Our DM says we don't greet people friendly enough.
    Attendant 2: Whatever you're on honey, I want some.
    Attendant: I'm on ----.
    Tink: What's that for?
    Attendant: It's so I don't kill people!

    January Search Terms:
    (What people put into search engines that bring them here)
    1. Permission to pee electric Granted. Just don't blow my fuses.
    2. Sleep talking secrets My lips are sealed.
    3. animal scratching up carpet underneath trailer Why do you have carpet underneath your trailer?
    4. take over home depot
    I've thought about it. But they have too many tools and weapons to fight back with.

    Have a spectacular weekend!

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    Wednesday, January 10, 2007

    Oy Vey

    One day after posting The P.I.T.S. List and I'm already drawing from it for inspiration. So the topic for today's post is....

    When was the last time you wrote a letter and sent it via snail mail?
    Who'd you send it to?

    I was never very good at writing letters. I had a fictional pen pal back in fifth grade who died by the mail box waiting for my letter to arrive. Her name was A.W. I really liked Rootbeer back then. I think it all started with my fourth grade teacher. She taught us the correct way to write in cursive. But she never told me how to hold a pen. To illustrate:

    Grab a writing utensil. Curl all your fingers in but the middle and thumb fingers. Be careful who you demonstrate this in front of. Now put the pen/pencil over top the curled fingers, toward the finger nails, not the knuckles. Place the tip of the middle finger on the pen. Curl the thumb over the pen and underneath the middle finger. Now write.

    Fucked up isn't it? Anyway...

    Eventually I got really good at typing. I typed letters to my Grandma, my Dad, my old friends in Indiana and Ohio. I had the bug. Until one day I got mad at my friend Nate. I had just moved to Florida with my family. I was thirteen. Nate called the night before to accuse me of leaving him in Indiana on purpose. Not that he wanted to come with, just that I had left altogether.

    Never having visited Florida, he didn't understand what the big deal was, and instantly jumped to the conclusion that I had left because of him. Because you know, thirteen year olds have that kind of power. So instead of talking it out like a rational adult (which I wasn't yet) I wrote him a nasty letter. I can't remember what it said, but it probably went something like:

    "Dear Nate. You suck. How can you be so selfish? If that's how your gunna be, I dont want to be friends with you anymore. Ill take up surfing instead."

    A day after I sent the letter, Nate called. His Mom had died. After consoling him I remembered the letter. "Don't open it OK," I made him promise. But I knew he would. A week later the letter came back marked undeliverable. The addresses were correct and the right postage had been added. I concluded it was Fates way of saying, "Be careful what you say in anger."

    Yeah, right. I was thirteen! I thought it meant I shouldn't write letters anymore. Otherwise, people were going to DIE.

    So I didn't.

    And then ten years later, Hoop's brother Nash went into boot camp and sent us twenty zillion letters begging for a response. Ok, so it was more like five. But still. So Hoop and I started writing. And by "writing" I mean with a pen. Hoop thinks typed letters are impersonal. Which leads me all the way back to the original questions. The answers are, "a month ago" and "Nash." In two more months the last answer will be "none."

    Because Fate and my crunked up hand say so.

    1. Hoop's Mom's puppy, the one who ate Rat Poison on Christmas Eve, is doing just fine. She's almost out of the three week grace period, and is as lively as ever.
    2. They did the inspection on the house yesterday. I haven't heard anything back yet. Cross your fingers they don't find roof/plumbing/electric/termite/water/felon damage.
    3. As some of you might have noticed in Monday's comments,
    Mama Tulip and family are getting ready to put their house on the market. Think lucky thoughts for them!

    DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter,
    "The Gateway." Find out the secret behind Mirror Mirror! A personalized post to anyone who can guess where the story is going.

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    Tuesday, January 09, 2007

    F.U.B.U. Was Already Taken

    The P.I.T.S. (Post Ideas To Save) List

  • If you were to meet a group of bloggers, which of your characteristics/habits/whatever would make you the most self-conscious about meeting them?
  • What movies/books/music/television shows do you like and why?
  • If you could rewrite a section of history, which section would it be? How would you rewrite it? Why?
  • What were some of your most memorable childhood experiences?
  • Where were you born? Where have you lived?
  • If you could pick one musical instrument and be a virtuoso tomorrow,(without all those years of practice), which would you pick?
  • What are the "seven wonders" of your life?
  • What are your biggest pet peeves?
  • What fashion crimes did you commit in High School?
  • Are you a glass half-full or half-empty kind of person?
  • Name some things that make your blood boil.
  • What makes you go weak in the knees?
  • Where is the best place you've ever had sex? Worst? Most embarrassing?
  • What subjects have your views changed on over time? What caused it to change?
  • Name ten products you wish you'd invented.
  • What song is guaranteed to make you speed in your car? Dance in your seat? Sing out loud?
  • If you could meet only ONE former American president, who would it be and why?
  • When was the last time you wrote a letter and sent it via snail mail? Who'd you send it to?
  • What unsolved mystery would you love to know the answer to?
  • If you could have one super-power what would it be? What would you use it for?
  • What games did you like to play when you were a little kid? If you played "dress up", what did you like to wear?
  • How old were you when you had your first french kiss?
  • Name a movie you've seen more than 10 times. Why have you seen it so many times?
  • What crimes have you committed but were never caught at?
  • What person from YOUR past do you most want to find out about now?
  • If someone discovered there was life after death (for sure) and you could put in your order now of what you'd like to come back as, what would your order say?

    There it is folks! You all had some great ideas. Go ahead, copy-paste it somewhere safe for the next uninspired day. I'll probably be using one soon. ;)

    January Search Terms:
    (What people put into search engines that bring them here)
    1. arabella boobs I'm sure she appreciates that.
    2. "smelly dreadlocks" cleaning Here's your solution- cut them off! Damn hippies.
    3. pickled yoda He does remind me of a gherkin!
    4. subliminal boob growth If it worked, I'd be a D-cup by now.
    5. i want to watch my girlfriend get gang banged
    You should tell her. I'm sure that would do a world of good for your relationship.
    6. who is hoop's baby father Wouldn't it be Hoop?
    7. the strippers from bladder santa They might want to avoid giving him a lap dance.

    Daily Hoop Conversation:
    (Talking on the two-way)
    Tink: Did your radio station go out?
    Hoop: Yeah.
    Tink: Mine too. I wonder what happened?
    Hoop: Maybe Jacksonville just got leveled!

    Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
    (Still talking on two-way)
    Tink: Where are you now?
    Hoop: I'm behind the truck in back of you.
    Tink: Oh, OK.
    Hoop: Do you think our cell phones are giving him brain cancer?

  • Look for a new chapter of TT tomorrow!

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    Monday, January 08, 2007

    Row Of Ducks

    Weekend Recap:
    1. Saturday afternoon Hoop and I headed over to the hair cutters to get him a trim.
    2. But he didn't recognize any of the stylists once we got there.

    Tink: Is there someone else who works here?
    Stylist: Nope, just us two.
    Tink: *Turns to Hoop* It's not one of them?
    Hoop: No.
    Stylist: How long ago did you get your hair cut honey?
    Hoop: About three weeks ago.
    Stylist: Well that would have been Christine. She fell off the wagon and a wheel rolled over her head.
    Tink and Hoop: *GASP*
    Tink: That's awful!
    Stylist: Well not for real. She went back to drinking, thought she could cut hair drunk is all.

    3. She asked us if we wanted to make an appointment, but we were too busy laughing as we left.

    Tink: I thought she meant she'd DIED!
    Hoop: Me too! I was imagining some kind of freak hayride accident.
    Tink: Right? Like what kind of wagon goes fast enough to kill someone?

    4. Then we headed out to the mall for a little odd-and-end shopping. Only, Hoop still had a hair cut on his mind.
    5. We waited TWO hours for the mall barbers to get him in.
    6. Actually, Hoop waited two hours. I got fed up after an hour and a half and walked eight blocks to O'Charley's.
    7. By the time I got there I was huffing, windblown, and sweaty.
    8. Hoop arrived five minutes later in the car, and a fight ensued.
    9. I think I might have called him a "prima donna."
    10. The poor waiter assigned to our table avoided us like the plague. We tipped him VERY well.
    11. Which made the tab very expensive, since Hoop didn't eat any of the food he ordered. He just flexed his jaw and stared off toward the bar.
    12. Me? I ate like a pig.
    13. Afterward, to show there were no hard feelings, Hoop and I went over to Nextel to get a joint phone account.
    14. Something I'd promised myself I'd never ever do until I was married.

    Tink: This is a huge step for me.
    Hoop: I know babe.
    Tink: You know what this means right?
    Hoop: What's that?
    Tink: You're stuck with me FOR-EV-ER.
    Hoop: Or at least until our contract is up.
    Tink: *Glares*

    15. Later that night we saw
    "Children Of Men, an apocalyptic type movie set in the near future. Imagine: No new babies have been born for 18 years, and the youngest human on Earth has just been killed. The world is torn by war, poverty, depression. Think of a life without the laughter of children. And then something miraculous happens.
    16. The movie was very dark and graphic. Evidently the preservation of life will require a lot of death. Don't expect to leave the theater uplifted. But the movie itself was extremely well done and flowed perfectly. I was riveted the entire time.
    17. One of the scenes I remember the most... People were lined up against a billboard that stated, "Avoiding Fertility Tests Is A CRIME."
    18. Sunday morning we made the rounds with our Realtor.
    19. The first six houses we looked at had the layouts of an apartment. The yards were so small, one old lady had trained her dog to pee on a mat in her bedroom. There simply wasn't enough room to walk him outside.
    20. The next house was so bizarre I walked through it twice. It was built in the early 90's, but was filthy and rotting out as if it were decades older. There was tile in every room, including the garage and some outside. There were cheap chandeliers stuck in odd places and colonial columns holding up saggy walls. The hallway was covered in mirrors.
    21. It was at about that point that I gave up hope for the day.
    22. Until we happened across an open house...
    23. It's in a beautiful neighborhood, with a large wooded yard, and only five minutes away from shopping and restaurants.
    24. It needs a lot of TLC. Especially in its kitchen, which looks like it was decorated in the 70s-80s. But I think Hoop and I could have fun with it!
    25. I've put in an offer and they've verbally accepted. Cross your fingers the inspection turns out OK.

    Newt and I just uncovered an interesting tidbit about the house's previous owner/renter...
    27. ...he was a felon.
    28. Niiiice. But that shouldn't be any reason to worry, right?

    Tink: So I looked up the address on Google-
    Mom: Mmhm.
    Tink: It appears there was a felon registered under that address in 2004.
    Mom: Oh shit. You're going to change the locks right?
    Tink: On top of getting a security system and a really big dog!

    Courtesy of
    Odd Mix:

    I'm a little behind today. Look for "Mystery" and "Missing" pictures later on this week!

    Daylit Moon

    Blue Rope


    Gas Station Altar

    Nature's Beauty In An Onion

    Tomorrow I'll post the "Master List" of backup blogger topics.

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    Friday, January 05, 2007

    Wanted: A Muse

    How's the view from the back burner?

    (By the way, if you actually clicked on that link because you didn't know what a "back burner" was, I can't help you. You need to leave.)

    Have you ever looked back on your posts and wondered, "What the hell was I thinking when I wrote that?" This is going to be one of those... Only, I'm realizing it as I type, instead of months from now. I'm convinced someone stole my creativity last night while I was sleeping. Which is a really impressive feat since I stash it in my ass. You thought I had a JLo butt because I sit at a desk eating bon bons all day didn't you? Well, you're wrong. I have it because everything good goes to my butt. Like ice cream.

    Which leads me to believe my "funny" bone is located in my tookas too, not the elbow like everyone thinks. The elbow, apparently, is home to the oh-shit-that-hurts bone.

    The point is, I've been feeling pretty creative lately and then *WHAM* nothing. No warning. No note. I swear I wasn't drinking this time... and I didn't wake up in someone else's shirt. So what gives? I think I need a muse, or a back-up list of things to talk about. Doesn't everyone? So here's my challenge. Leave a topic of interest in the comment box. I'll spend some time this weekend coming up with a few too. Then I'll pile them all together on Tuesday, create a master list, and post so that everyone can store it away for an uncreative day.

    It's so crazy, it just might work.

    Courtesy of
    Odd Mix:

    The words for this weekend are...


    He's back! Don't be an ingrate, participate.

    For The Heck Of It:

    Have a wonderful weekend!


    Thursday, January 04, 2007


    See this space? A post should be here.

    It's not because my brain is MUSH.

    So have some conversations on the house... and possibly some other crap I find at random.

    Not Far From The Tree:
    (Hoop walks in the door)
    Tink: What's wrong babe?
    Hoop: I got a speeding ticket.
    Tink: Ouch.
    Mom: First your car, now a speeding ticket? Boy, you're letting off some bad juju.
    Tink: Maybe I should sage him.

    Daily Hoop Conversation:
    Hoop: I'm glad that cop didn't ask to search my car.
    Tink: Why? Do you have something to hide?
    Hoop: Well there's the two guns-
    Mom: -GUNS?
    Hoop: Unloaded, of course. And there's that huge chest of gold coins.
    Mom: What?
    Tink: From when we moved. We haven't unloaded it yet.
    Hoop: It might have looked a bit suspicious.
    Tink: I completely forgot about my jewelry box.
    Mom: So let me get this straight... You have two guns, a box of gold, a jewelry box-
    Tink: -and a bottle of wine.
    Hoop: *Nods* In the trunk of my car.
    Mom: Any ski masks?

    Not Far From The Tree:
    Tink: On New Years a woman at the bar told me I look like JLo.
    Mom: Maybe in the butt.
    Tink: Thanks Mom.

    January Search Terms:
    (What people put into search engines that bring them here)
    1. Man in hamster wheel
    So he has the same job as me?
    2. marlin brando blowjob pic What is that? Nemo-meets-Godfather porn? Ew.
    3. saggy scrotum cream You wish it were that easy.
    4. how to clean dog barf carpets Get tile.
    5. debbie spork Coolest last name EVER.
    6. "looking for john stewart" You and half a dozen other people. He haunts me still.

    "Random" Crap:
    Randomwebsite.com: Random site generator for the bored.
    Random.org: Random number service for nerds.
    RAK Foundation: Random acts of kindness ideas for the good hearted.
    Random Chicken: Random pictures of poultry for the slightly demented.

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    Wednesday, January 03, 2007


    Daily Hoop Conversation:
    (While driving around looking at houses)
    Tink: Hoooop, I have to pee!
    Hoop: Want me to pull over?
    Tink: I'm not going to pee on the side of the road.
    Hoop: You could mark one of those houses for us.
    Tink: Can you imagine if life really worked that way?
    Hoop: People peeing all over stuff they want?
    Tink: Yeah. But then you'd have to keep peeing on it. You could never leave. Otherwise you'd come home from work and someone else would be living in your house because they marked it while you were gone.
    Hoop: True.
    Tink: Unless you invented a sprinkler system that continuously marked the house for you!

    Hoop Quote Of The Day:
    You know what I'm not going to miss when we move? Dinner with your family. It's like watching homeless people at a soup kitchen. I actually got mad at Lil Bit's friend last night because he took too much bread. And he's only 12!

    December Hit Statistics:
    1. The leading countries for visits on my blog were the US and Canada.
    2. The primary day for hits was Friday.
    3. The most popular hour being 4pm.
    4. The top referrers were Jay and Sassy.
    5. The most used search term was, "saggy scrotum."
    6. My favorite search terms were, "christmas in the ghetto," and "pickled farts."
    7. The highest hit post (244) was on December 11th, the Monday after I gave out the Golden Spork Awards.

    31 Quirks for 31 Days:
    1. I once made a love-making CD as a Valentines gift for all my friends.
    2. They were like opals...
    3. ...only lucky for the people getting them.
    4. Two nights ago I pulled my shoulder carrying a 24 pack of Cokes.
    5. Which is probably one of the most embarrassing things I've admitted to in a long time.
    6. I only share my food with people I really like...
    7. ...a neurosis I developed in high school, watching all the other kids eat while I eye-balled their food.
    8. I'm sure they weren't all that comfortable with it either, now that I think about it.
    9. I still use my fingers when I count.
    10. The other day my boss congratulated me for arriving to work on time for the last six months.
    11. I've been 3-15 minutes late every day for three years.
    12. Maybe if I'm 30 minutes late I'll get a raise!
    13. Hoop loves my "homemade" green beans and almonds...
    14. ...which come from a box.
    15. I've been described as "girly, with tomboy tendencies."
    16. My finger/toe nails peel.
    17. The rednecks around here hang big brass balls off their trailer hitches.
    18. Maybe I could get rich by making big brass tits!
    19. Hoop used to think only pregnant women had bumps on their nipples, like mouth grips for babies.
    20. Some people are born with photographic memories...
    21. ...the other 80% of people have pornographic ones.
    22. I like questions that have no answers.
    23. Did socks start off with left and right matches?
    24. Do you think the Wicked Witch was made of sugar?
    25. Why doesn't super glue stick to itself?
    26. I think Hoop is smarter than I am.
    27. It's just not immediately obvious because I'm more organized.
    28. I went to school with a guy who had three birthdays...
    29. The one on his birth certificate, the other his Mom swore by, and the one written in his family's bible.
    30. They were two and three days apart from one another.
    31. I think it was a cover-up for his adoption.

    Did you know? "January is named for Janus (Ianuarius), the god of the doorway and beginnings in Roman mythology. Which means, 'January is the door to the year.'" (

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    Tuesday, January 02, 2007

    Tea, Anyone?

    I always imagined I'd be good at reading tea leaves.

    "Is it an acorn? Is it a bell? No... It's a two foot gash in the side of Hoop's car!"

    Or not. There are some things you just don't see coming.

    Weekend Recap:
    1. Last night Hoop backed his car up into Papa Bear's work truck.
    2. There's no damage to the truck. The "stang" on the other hand didn't fare so well.
    3. My family sympathizes:
    Tink: Poor Hoop. He's not having a good start to the year. He really loved that car. And now he's running late to work.
    Mom: I guess my band-aid idea is out then.
    Tink: What band-aid idea?
    Papa Bear: We were going to doctor his car up for him, a big band-aid "X" right over the damage.
    Mom: Now that I think about it, he probably wouldn't have found that as funny as we do.
    4. Hoop's love for his Mustang is second only to me... Hopefully.
    5. He refuses to put an air freshener up unless it matches his black on black theme.
    6. He rides with the dash lights off so he feels more like he's in Kitt, from the Nightrider.
    7. A few months ago he spent four hours spray painting his bumper so the paint wouldn't look so faded.
    8. I think someone killed the Karma cow...
    9. ...because surely Hoop doesn't deserve such an inauspicious start to the new year.
    10. Saturday night Hoop and I went out on a date. All went well, save for a little cockroach incident at "Fruitbugs".
    11. I took the waitress screaming as a good sign.
    Tink: At least you can tell they don't see these things often.
    Hoop: Why couldn't this have happened while we were eating? I guess we're not getting free food tonight.
    12. After dinner we went and saw "
    Tink: Hey Hoop?
    Hoop: Hm?
    Tink: I want a dragon!
    Hoop: Sure thing babe.
    Tink: You think I'm kidding.
    13. Sunday, Hoop and I went to his Mom's for the night. Before she would let us free to party on the town, she made us watch an episode of "Six Feet Under," the DVD series Hoop got her for Christmas.
    14. 45 minutes into the show she jumped off the couch in a frenzy.
    Hoop: What's wrong?
    Hoop's Mom: I forgot the phone!
    Hoop: The phone?
    HM: I'm on call tonight!
    Hoop: So?
    HM: I'm on call for the suicide hotline!
    Tink: Holy shit.
    15. Forunately there was only one missed call, and the caller was too drunk to even remember what she'd called for.
    16. Hoop's Mom was LUCKY. I can't imagine suicidal people waiting to be called back.
    17. New Years eve Hoop and I walked the town, stopping for a fancy dinner and a few drinks at a local hole-in-the-wall.
    18. At a quarter to midnight I realized, I didn't want to kiss in the middle of a smoky bar. So we ran toward the fort to find a little space of our own.
    19. Apparently I wasn't the only one with that idea. The fort wall was packed with giggling couples and kids passing joints and beer bottles around.
    20. So with two minutes to spare we ran down the nearest side street, dead endeding at a wall over-looking the inlet. We kissed just as the fireworks started going off.
    21. REAL ones, not just the ones going off in my head.
    22. Then we snuck off to get kinky, in a place I'm too ashamed to admit to.
    23. Let's just say I think Hoop and I have a lot of hail marys to recite. ;)

    No pictures this weekend. I'm a lazy bum. How was your New Years?