I Am Jack's Complete Lack Of Surprise

Do you know why I have nothing to say today?

Because when I wasn't tipsy on donated wine and Hurricanes this weekend, I was recovering from being tipsy on donated wine and Hurricanes. That's a good excuse isn't it?

So, what did you fahhhhbulous people do this weekend?

Bring On The Eggnog

This weekend was interesting, to say the least. My family came over to the house Saturday evening, following a birthday party for my Mom at a nearby restaurant. When Hoop opened the door to let them in, a tiny bird flew in too. From the way my brother's girlfriend was screaming, you would have thought it was a pterodactyl. I eventually caught the poor thing in one of our hanging cooking pots. Its heart was practically humming against my hand as I took it outside. When I opened my fingers it paused, almost in disbelief, before shooting straight up into the black sky.

Sunday, Hoop and I took my brothers Christmas shopping. All was going well until we went into the sports store. We were just about to leave when Big Bit (the 16 yr. old) came limping up to me and said he'd gotten cut on a stationary bicycle. It wasn't a cut though, it was a gash. Our next stop was the local hospital. Three hours and six stitches later, we were more than ready to call it a day. There's only so much weather channel a person can take. Although, people watching was at its finest. I saw three broken hands, two injured eyes, and a wood chopping injury. Ouch.

Friday's Holiday Meme

1. What was the best present you've ever received?
For Christmas- An entire set of model horses. I was eleven. All my friends had them. I'd been pining after a set of my own for months. My Mom and I had carefully picked these out for my cousins, so I'd thought. But in the end, they turned out to be for me!
Other- The first year Hoop and I were together, he bought me a digital camera. I'd been using his for about three months when it died. I felt horrible and offered to replace it. But instead, he bought ME one. It was totally unexpected and more expensive than I'm comfortable admitting. By far, it was the most thoughtful gift he could have given me.

2. What was the worst?
A set of chipped angel-head butter spreaders that were obviously used.

3. What is something you really want this year for yourself?
Books.

4. What is something you really want this year for someone else?
A Vita-Mix juicer for my Mom. Unfortunately, it's WAY out of price range.

5. What's your favorite Christmas memory?
When my brothers were very young, they would get up at the crack of dawn and run screaming through the house that Santa had come. I miss that excitement. Christmas is always lovely. I have my family. We have our health. But there's something special about Christmas through the eyes of a child.

Let us know if you participated!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Are you hot?
Hoop: Am I hot?
Tink: Yeah.
Hoop: No. I'd need to lose 20 pounds and get some sun first.
Tink: Oh-kay... So I take it you DON'T want me to turn on the fan then?

How was your weekend?

Then God said, "Let her be sick on top of everything else!"

And Tink replied, "Gee, thanks."

What started out as a sore throat last Monday, quickly evolved into a vicious head cold by Friday. For three days, one side of my face has been screwed up into what can only be described as a precursor to a sneeze. Only, sneezing doesn't make it go away. It just switches sides. When I'm not sneezing, I'm alternating between being stuffy and being runny. Sometimes, my nose manages to do both. I'm convinced the snot is eating my brain from the inside, which would explain the freak headaches. Sometimes, just for the hell of it, my body will get to coughing too. But only if I'm on the phone or in a place where noise is not appreciated, like at a CPR and First Aid Class put on by the WELLNESS committee at work.

Ever tried to not snot on a dummy you're "rescuing" while nine pairs of eyes watch you? Not fun. I held my breath for so long, I was afraid I might pass out and be the next one who needed rescuing. The worst part about that day was not the two hour drive, the four hour class, or the head cold. It wasn't even the fact that two people skipped out on us or that one of those people had the only key into the building. No... It was the fact that I was doing it all for FREE. My boss had told everyone that it was optional. But to me, he had implied that it was mandatory. Being the sucker good employee that I am, I had agreed willingly to this early Saturday morning torture. I even got up early to vote! Unfortunately, everyone else in my city had the same idea.

When I got to the polling place, three minutes before they opened, there was a line wrapped around the building. Isn't the point of early voting to avoid the crowds? Hoop and I ended up going that afternoon instead. By then the line was much shorter and the people working the booths were hopped up on blood thinners or something. During the ten minutes I stood in line, I heard the old lady at the front door say, "I don't care who people vote for, just that they vote!" fifteen times. By the tenth time, I was mumbling "Liar" after each cheery outburst. Sunday, Hoop and I cleaned house for six and a half hours. It might have been overdo, but it was still madness. See what having house guests does to an already frazzled bride with a head cold?

UGH. I just bit into an apple and got stuck! I was too weak to pull my teeth out. On my behalf, it was an organic apple. Who knew piping chemicals into our food changed the consistency as well as the flavor? These things taste amazing and are hard enough to cause a concussion if thrown. Not that I would know... I may never go back to eating regular produce again. So, to wrap up this medicine induced ramble, I didn't finish the haunted house this weekend. But, Hoop and I did clean out the garage and all the supplies are laid out and ready to go. Thanks again for all your awesome ideas and links. Pictures will be posted soon. I'm not sure I can say as much for tomorrow's WWC entry. We'll see. Pray for the snot monsters to go away.

So, what did YOU do this weekend?

Cut Loose Like A Deuce

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: (Singing) Blinded by the light! Cut loose like a douche-
Tink: That is NOT how it goes.
Hoop: Yes it is.
Tink: No, it isn't.
Hoop: (Singing) Cut loose like a douche in the middle of the night!
Tink: Oh my God.
Hoop: It totally makes sense!

Weekend Recap:
1. As usual, Halloween Horror Nights was awesome.
2. But even there, signs of the recession could be seen. Although the lines for some of the haunted houses were still up to an hour wait, the streets were often empty. In past years, Hoop and I would have to elbow viciously through dense crowds just to make our way through the park. This year, there were less drinkers/partiers and more kids/families.
3. I'm not complaining.
4. It's just a little odd that I actually found a perk to this mess.
5. The theme this year was twisted fairy tales. There was a burned Jack-Be-Nimble, a demented Alice from Wonderland, Bo Peep and her found (dead) sheep, and the Pied Piper with a rat in his pie-hole... just to name a few.
6. Not to mention whichever character it was who did a scare-by on me. I had just looked away to check out Jack; when I turned back, I landed nose to nose with someone. That someone promptly screamed in my face and then fled.
7. The only thing I can remember, before closing my eyes and dropping to the ground in a crouch, was hot breath on my face. Oh, and Hoop laughing like a madman.
8. Each year, HHN hosts a new "Bill and Ted Adventure Show". It usually revolves around popular music and characters from throughout the year. Last year's guest list included a bald Britney Spears and an incoherent Lindsay Lohan. This year's theme was more political.
9. Well, if you can consider seeing McCain (or an actor that looks nothing like him) shaking his ass political.
9. On a side note, if the crowd's response was any indication, McCain isn't doing so hot. Let us all pause for my happy dance.

So, how was your weekend?

The Mouth!

(CNN.com Front Page: 10/13/08 08:30am)

Weekend Recap:
1. My Grandfather turned 85 this Saturday! We celebrated by eating our weight in food.
2. On the menu: venison sausage, wild boar sausage, fried mullet (the fish, not the hair), fried catfish, cornbread hush puppies, BBQ chicken, green bean casserole, potato salad, baked beans, and cake.
3. I'm STILL full.
4. After dinner, Grandpa sat down with us to fine tune the wedding ceremony. He's the one who will be marrying us. He's a retired minister.
5. He also married my Mom... twice.
6. Hopefully that's not an unlucky sign.
7. Maybe it just didn't take the first time.
8. Sunday, Hoop and I went to the zoo. That was also supposed to be a family thing, but my family pussied out on account of the weather.
9. The weatherman said there would be a 70% chance of rain.
10. What we got was NO rain and a hella lot o' heat.
11. It was so hot, the monkeys barely had enough energy to eat their own poop.
12. Barely.
13. We weren't spared the horror of watching a monkey eat from his own butt like it was a Tootsie Roll factory.
14. Hey, speaking of really crappy experiences...
15. ...Until 30 minutes ago, I hadn't been able to get a hold of our DJ for five days.
16. ...Our cake people just tried to double charge me.
17. ...And our florist tried to charge me $1,000 extra for no reason.
18. I am SO ready for this wedding crap to be over!
19. Dear Jebus and the Flying Spaghetti Monster; if you get me through this without losing my mind, I swear I will try and be the happiest married person ever. Amen.
20. In other wedding news, Hoop's Mom gave us our wedding present yesterday. It was a set of Depression glass from the 1920's. It was very sweet of her. But, I have no idea what I'm going to DO with it. It's green. Jello green.

So, how was your weekend?

Gallimaufry

(noun: A hodgepodge or jumble.)

My parents live in central Florida, which is about 45 minutes from where Hoop and I live. Somewhere in between the two, at about the 30 minute mark, the weather pattern changes entirely. It's like the difference between the Sahara and the Tropics. Last month, the waterway beside our neighborhood flooded. Meanwhile, the lakes in my parents' town were dwindling away to puddles. If Hoop doesn't mow for two weeks, the weeds in our yard begin to devour our house. My parent's struggle to grow anything besides dirt. You would think we'd all be used to these differences.

Saturday morning, Mom called to tell me that they were leaving for the zoo. "So you're going to meet us there, right?" I stared at the downpour outside. "Um. I hate to break it to you, but I don't think we're going to the zoo today." She told me not to be silly; it was sunny outside. "Oh-kay." Then I got ready to go to the movies. Thirty minutes later, I received a phone call. "It's pouring!" Mom wailed into the phone. "Would it be OK if we went to the movies instead?" "Sure!" I told her before reading off the movie times I'd pulled from the computer 30 minutes before.

We went to see "Ghost Town". I can describe the movie in one word. SLOW. I would have rather watched two snails wrestling. The story is about an unlikeable dentist who goes in for rectal surgery, dies, is revived, and then starts seeing dead people. Only, these dead people want things from him. The rest of the movie is one long, boring boy-tries-to-get-girl subplot that isn't even interesting. Just when you think you might fall asleep, they throw something funny in, bait enough to keep you watching (and hoping). Skip this one altogether. Hoop and I gave it one out of five sporks.

Sunday evening, Hoop and I went to visit his Mom. As I mentioned two posts ago, the soon-to-be-MIL still hadn't gotten us the addresses of the people she wanted to invite. I'd long ago decided not to care about it, seeing as I'd already sent out the other invitations and was busy rounding up RSVPs already. But Hoop couldn't let it go. "Have you got the addresses yet?" He badgered her on Sunday. Then she did something I will never forget. She handed him a phonebook and huffed, "Well, they're listed in the yellow pages." Then, to my utter shock and disbelief, Hoop did something equally absurd...

...he handed ME the phonebook.

Un-fucking-real. I handed the book right back to him, of course. Apparently, they have both lost their fucking minds. My new name for Hoop's Mom is MILzilla. My new name for Hoop is Stupid. On top of that, Hoop's Dad keeps telling me our wedding website is down. Granted, the man has never tried to access the site himself. No, he's taking the word of some computer-illiterate friend. Despite my assurances and telling him how many people HAVE accessed the site, he doesn't believe me. Ugh. I'm done. I'll be drinking in the corner until this is all through. Let me know when I need to walk down the aisle, OK?

So, what fun and exciting things did you do this weekend?

Dum dum de dum

Mom and I went to a bridal show on Sunday. The tickets were free and I was bribed with cake. FREE CAKE. Sweet Jebus, they could have asked me to show up in a toilet paper gown and I would have done it. When we arrived, I was instantly assaulted by a greeter with a "Here Comes The Bride" sticker. The woman never stopped smiling, even while she was talking. Then we were handed empty bags and directed through a door like two trick-or-treaters entering a fun house.

I was just telling Mom, "This isn't nearly as creepy as I thought it would be," when we entered a room decorated to look like a church. There was even a harpist. The next room was set up like a reception hall. They had a DJ, and hors d'oeuvres, flowers coated in glitter, and lots and lots of bows. I'll be honest, it looked like Easter had thrown up all over the place. Who knew pale pink and green en masse could actually make someone feel ill? The main room was a little better, but only because there was food.

In total, Mom and I spent about thirty minutes at the show. Most of it was spent pushing through crowds to get to chocolate covered strawberries and bite sized petit fours. The other brides were busy snatching up fliers and jabbing at each other with elbows to reserve vendors. It was a relief to be able to say, "No, thank you. I already have one of those." Although, I did snag a coupon for tuxes and saw a few ceremony decorations that I might like to duplicate. I also saw a few people that I hadn't seen in years.

It was funny to watch them glance at my obnoxious discreet bride sticker and then exclaim "I see congratulations are in order!" If they were hoping for details, I gave them none. It was at about that point that the cake binge caught up with me. Cake, it's like crack turned kryptonite. I was ill for the rest of the night. But now, just thinking about all those sweets has me googling when the next show will be. Mom and I have decided this might be our new yearly thing.

Only next year, we're going to lie and say Mom is the bride.

P.S. For those who have been asking, the wedding is November 8th!

Waterlogged

Whoever named Florida the "Sunshine State", never lived here during hurricane season. Which, for all you Yankees, is from June 1st through November 30th. That's six months out of the year! Boomerang Fay, or Fickle Fay as some have called her, dropped about 1 inch of rain per HOUR in Jacksonville. In fact, today was the first day in a week that we saw sun. I squinted out the door at lunch and asked the receptionist, "What is this strange feeling I'm getting in my eyes?" "I believe what you're feeling is called sunshine," she replied. Then the sky cracked open and rained on my parade.

While I was sitting on my ass watching the BBC on Friday, Hoop was working on beach side. You know, the worst freakin' place to be during a tropical storm. It wasn't until there were several tornado warnings reported in the area that his boss let them go home. Even then, it was against the corporate office's wishes. Corporate wanted them to stay and work. Because, according to them, the workers were just as safe there as anywhere else. What the hell is wrong with America? Once Hoop got back, we busied ourselves with a few rounds of Wii bowling... and completely missed the warning of a tornado in our own area.

About a mile from our house is a river called Black Creek. I'm guessing it was just a wee river when it was named. I used to envy all the expensive houses on the water, with their elaborate docks and pricey boats. I don't anymore. Some of those people might have to LIVE on their boats when this is through. Hoop and I took a drive down there yesterday. One out of every five houses has a "For Sale" sign in the yard. Yeah... Good-luck with that, buddy. Anyone want some rain? I have tons, cheap. In fact, I'll pay you to take it all off my hands. How can you refuse such a deal?

Inquiring Minds Want To Know:
I got the chocolate covered sunflower seeds from Fiwa, who I believe got them from World Market. The Skullcandy earbuds came from Target. They were available in all kinds of hot colors, including Rasta! I highly recommend them. They're super comfy as well as cute.

How was your weekend? Dryer, I hope.

Return Of The Weekend Recap

Weekend Recap:
1. Yesterday was Chore Day. I worked on the house while Hoop begrudgingly mowed the lawn.
2. Sometime around three it started to storm.
3. I went to the back door to check on Hoop. I found him standing in the middle of the yard, open mouthed, as the rain poured down.
4. He smiled when I stepped out on the covered porch. "Could you bring me some soap and shampoo?" "Seriously?" "Yeah." "Ok."
5. I came back out to find him naked.
6. "This is the most exhilarating thing I've ever done!" He yelled, ducking his head under the mini-waterfall our eaves made.
7. I've come to the conclusion that weddings make people lose their minds.
8. Friday, Hoop's Mom asked if she could have some blank wedding invitations just in case she decides to invite her coworkers.
9. So now we're just passing these things out like Valentines?
10. I don't fucking think so.
11. Saturday evening, Hoop and I received our first wedding present... a Wii!
12. Actually, we bought it ourselves. But it was under my Mom's instructions, as she's the one who is going to be paying us back for it.
13. My Mom, the health nut, swears by it. Papa Bear lost five pounds playing with theirs.
14. Crap. I just realized I forgot to do the good-bye month post for July! I'll get to it sometime this week.
15. Friday night -Oof, this is all out of order- Hoop and I took my two younger brothers and their friend Lance to see "Star Wars: The Clone Wars."
16. Lance wore a Darth Vader helmet.
17. Lil Bit wore a sombrero.
18. I'm not claiming it made sense.
19. On the way into the mall, a police officer yelled at Lance to take off the "mask". We tried to explain that it was a helmet and he was only wearing it in support of the movie, but the cop would have none of it.
20. Reason #982 why I don't like the police...
21. The movie was lame. It felt like one big advertisement for the cartoon coming out this fall. But I didn't care. The boys made it well worth the money.

So, what did you do this weekend?

How Hoop Almost Got Us Brainwashed

Saturday was Hoop's 31st birfday. To celebrate, I rented a hotel room in Tampa. Or, as Hoop calls it, "Florida's armpit". So why did we choose to vacation there? Because this hotel just so happened to be having a comic book and toy convention on Sunday. Am I not the coolest fiance ever? When we arrived at the hotel Saturday evening, we immediately asked the guy behind the counter how to get to Ybor City. The clerk made a face and then reluctantly showed us a map. "What's wrong with Ybor?" Hoop asked.

The clerk, a young black guy, explained that Ybor City wasn't safe anymore. "...Not unless you're in a gang." Then he flashed us some signs I'm pretty sure he learned off a CBS special. "You know, it's gone hip hop." Hoop stared at him for a second to see if he was joking. He wasn't. "Oh. Oh-kay." Hoop replied. "But I guess it could be cool if you're a biker or into that alternative lifestyle," the clerk continued. "You guys would probably have more fun at Channelside." We got directions and then headed out.

"I don't believe him," Hoop said when we got in the car. "Ybor used to be a really cool place to party." "How long ago was that?" I asked. "Nine years ago." "Exactly." We drove to Channelside first. "Are you kidding me?" I laughed when we got there. "Why did he think we would like this?" The place was painfully yuppie. "To Ybor!" Hoop replied triumphantly. This time I didn't argue. I was a little nervous when we got to 7th Avenue, but my fears were quickly squashed. There were families walking around, families with little kids.

I don't want you to think that Ybor is Disneyland though. The city IS pretty dirty. The surrounding neighborhoods are project-style apartments and old rundown houses reinforced with metal bars and cages. You wouldn't want to go past the strip, night OR day. But if you stick to the shops and bars you'll have a good time. They have a Coyote Ugly Saloon there and the original Columbia Restaurant. In short, it looks like a really fun place to party. I just wouldn't want to live there.

Shortly after we arrived, Hoop and I came across a building with a banner draped across the side. "Life Improvement Center. Free Stress Test!" There were two young people sitting outside. They looked normal enough. Maybe the boy was a little too thin. He instantly jumped into his sales pitch. "Would you like a free stress test, sir?" Hoop, who was feeling pretty adventurous, said yes. Meanwhile, I was being distracted by the young girl, who was commenting on my shirt. So it didn't hit me where we were right away.

My first thought was, "Why are there racks of books everywhere? Is this a bookstore?" Then I saw the words on the wall. SCIENTOLOGY CENTER. "Oh shit." I stopped walking. My palms broke out in a sweat. I immediately tried to figure out how to run away. There was a girl standing behind me, blocking the door. Hoop was already in the room, too far away to grab. "How did this happen?!" My brain shouted. "I don't know!" I shouted back. I walked toward Hoop, trying to signal to him with my eyes. "Have a seat," the guy replied.

Hoop and I both sat down, unsure of how to get out without making a scene. I looked around quickly. There were about ten people in the building. They were all watching us without trying to be obvious. "Hold on to these," the guy was saying. He handed Hoop what looked like two metal cans. They were attached to a meter. My brain felt like it was fluttering around in my head, trapped. "They're auditing him!" It yelled. I'd studied up on all this crap about eight months ago out of curiosity. I never imagined I would actually USE the information though.

"Think about something that has been causing you stress," the guy said smoothly. I held my breath. "My brother died two weeks ago," Hoop answered briskly. The meter jumped. "Obviously that has effected you strongly. Has the stress gotten worse since it happened?" Hoop's eyes narrowed. "What would you say if I told you we could make that stress go away?" The guy asked. Hoop handed him back the cans. "I don't WANT to forget my brother." "Oh- Oh NO, that's not at all what I meant." Hoop and I got up to leave.

"Here, just watch this video." Then the boy disappeared. "Let's just leave!" I hissed at Hoop. "Shhh, he's standing right behind us." My arms broke out in goosebumps. We pretended to watch the video, which threw around the word "Thetan" a lot. Finally the film was over. The guy, who saw how obviously unreceptive we were, showed us to the door. Hoop and I didn't even wait until the building was out of sight. We ran as soon as we got outside. When we eventually stopped, Hoop turned to me and said, "Oh my God."

"I know!" I shouted. "What the hell was that?" We walked in silence for a minute. "Do you think they brainwashed us?" Hoop whispered, looking behind us. I stopped and tried to think of the most anti-Scientologist thing I could think of. It finally came to me. "I hate Tom Cruise. I hate Tom Cruise. I hate Tom Cruise." I repeated mentally. "No," I finally said to Hoop. "I think we're OK." He exhaled loudly. "Well, you let me know if you start feeling funny, OK?" "Yeah, you too."

...To Be Continued.

P.S. I'm going to be out of my office all day tomorrow. My WWC submission will be set to auto-post. I'll check on everyone's entries on Wednesday.

Southern Fried

Weekend Recap:
1. I got tons of color this weekend.
2. Unfortunately, it was the wrong color.
3. It looks like I'm wearing a white bikini... when I'm naked.
4. Hoop was so uncomfortable looking at my skin that he had to administer the aloe with his eyes closed.
5. Hoop's paternal family came to stay Friday night, and then moved on to the drinking village Saturday morning. I never realized how difficult it is to house six people, especially when four are not part of a couple.
6. A big chunk of Friday night was spent arguing over sleeping arrangements. Hoop and I wanted Nanny to get our room, Aunt D to get the guest room with her daughter L, Dad to get the air mattress in the computer room, and for us to take the gigantic couch.
7. But I forgot what a bunch of martyrs Hoop's family is. Everyone thought he or she deserved the most uncomfortable spot, including Hoop's elderly Grandmother!
8. Further evidence of this: Hoop's Dad mowed our lawn while we were at work...
9. ...in 95 degree weather!
10. It wasn't because he was disgusted by our maintenance skills either. He just wanted to do something nice.
11. One of the oddest parts of the weekend was when the family attempted to drink our filtered tap water. They all swore that it tasted like sulfur. Hoop and I, try as we might, couldn't taste anything wrong.
12. Even at restaurants they said the soda tasted like sulfur. "It must be because of the ice cubes."
13. Then Hoop's Dad drank from a bottle of water and said, "This tastes like sulfur too!"
14. OK, we said, now you're just screwing with us.
15. But then we looked at the back of the bottle. "Source: Ginnie Springs." Which just so happens to be located two hours from our house!
16. Go figure.
17. Saturday night, the six of us piled into ONE hotel room.
18. I can't even begin to describe the crowdedness of that room. Let's just say, I got closer to Hoop's family than I ever expected I would. ;)
19. Sunday morning, we went to the beach. Which, of course, leads me back to the beginning of this post.
20. I put on sunscreen all day! But it didn't matter. Apparently, the only thing I've gotten acclimated to is our nasty water. Now I'm off to nurse my aching skin.

What did you do this weekend?

Tomorrow: The WWC!
Wednesday or Thursday: Good-bye Month

Have A Lousy T-Shirt

Although you all went relatively easy on my blog (the beer can statue in my likeness was a nice touch) I can't say the same for my office. When I walked in this morning it looked like a filing cabinet had regurgitated on my desk. The secretary blamed it on Gremlins. I'm still suspicious. The vacation was wonderful. I'm still in shock that it's over. I actually tried to stop time last night. After several minutes of silence, I was almost convinced that I'd succeeded. Then the dogs barked and Hoop yelled something about laundry and the world continued spinning. Oh well.

Several amazing, wonderful and unbelievable things happened over the last week. We bought a car. We called the President. We got a bum to recite us poetry. We walked in a forest naked. We drank and laughed and watched tons of movies. We went to an amusement park, drunk dialed a fellow blogger, and attended a crazy 80's party. I learned how to drive a stick. We finally booked our honeymoon. I wish I had time to tell it right. Not today. Wednesday, hopefully. For now there's work to do and blogs to catch up on. Not to mention the business of thawing out the underwear in the freezer. Six pairs! You all have outdone yourselves.

So tell me, what did I miss?

Blurg

My laziness has hit a new low.

I'm too lazy to write a decent post today, which is what I used to do when I was too lazy to work. So now instead of procrastinating work by posting, I'm procrastinating posting, which I do to procrastinate working, so I can stare at my computer screen and daydream about what I'm going to do on the weekend. Which, by the way, is currently five days from now. I really think I need a more stimulating job. Maybe something that will kill me if I don't do it. "If you don't push this button every six seconds on the second an anvil will fall on your head." Now THAT'S motivating!

We went and saw Iron Man this weekend. See how lazy I am? I can't even be bothered to link to the site. The movie was, for lack of a better word, fucking-awesome. It's one word! See, I put a little "-" thingy in there. The graphics rocked. The story rocked. The music rocked. And Robert Downey Jr. was HOT. There. It's limited vocabulary Monday folks. Deal with it. No matter who you are, you should go see this flick. Hoop, Lil Bit and I gave it five sporks up. Also, wait until after the credits roll. There's an extra clip at the end.

For those of you who live under rocks... It's OK. I don't judge. ...today is Cinco De Mayo. I think that translates to Drink-tequila-until-you-can't-pronounce-the-word-tequila Day. Yay!! Actually, it's a celebration of the day Mexico declared Independence from Spain. But no one ever mentions that part. To celebrate, my boss has bought 200 cheap straw sombreros to give out at promotions around town. When I mentioned they looked cheap to a friend, he said, "Have you ever seen an expensive one?" Touche. I guess it doesn't matter anyway. Drunk people will take anything as long as it's free.

Come on, you know it's true.

I once gave a drunk friend of mine a shoe. She continued talking like it was no big deal. So I decided to give her more things. By the time I ran out of things to give her she had a shoe, a pen, my phone, a stack of coasters, an empty cup, and my purse in her hands. She didn't catch on until everyone started laughing. Then she looked down and said, "Where did all this crap come from?!" I'm not sure if Hoop and I will brave the crowd tonight or just drink at home and play Grand Theft Auto. I think I might be addicted. I played until 11 last night and just before I was going to call it quits, I found a baseball bat. It was all downhill from there.

So how did your weekend go and do you have any big plans tonight?

T1ts & A55

Thanks to all who listened to Hoop bitch below about his horrible coworker.

Because if he mentioned her one more time to me, I was going to scream.

Speaking of Ginger, apparently she called out with Infantigo this morning. As in, that skin rash that generally only effects two through six year olds. Yeah, I think she's sleeping with her doctor.

I opened up my email box this morning to a bunch of interesting spam. By "interesting" I mean bizarre. How do spamers come up with this stuff? Do they have computer programs that generate random garbage? You'd think they would at least be equipped with spellcheck. I can understand the substitution of certain words, like "b@@bies" and "pen1s". But what's up with all the general grammatical errors? "Millionss of people accross the world have already tested THIS and ARE making their girlfriendds feel brand new sexual ssensations! YOU are the best in bed, aren't you?" Compliments from a stutterer perhaps?

Others are just pure nonsical. "There were four furnaces here, and they were all between plaisance and the coupee. What do you to thaw!" Wha? "A hedgehog to a lamb. If you had consulted me i should are like oil and wick exist, so long the light." Whatever you say, dude. Why don't they fill their emails with more interesting substance, like stories? They could even stuff them with subliminal messaging, or leave them with cliffhangers. "Once upon a time there was a beautiful business woman who had it all. But she was still unhappy. So she paid an under ground witch doctor to create a spell to..." Please click on link below to finish story.

LINK

Hoop and I had a pretty eventful weekend.

Friday night we went touring the area and got my SUV stuck in a ditch. I would like to add that Hoop was driving. I have no ideas of grandeur when it comes to my vehicle. I KNOW it's a piece of shit. After a half an hour of pushing, turning, and rocking the vehicle we resorted to destruction of public property. In short, I busted up an old barrier fence so I could lay down a track for my car to drive on. It didn't work. So much for being clever. Fed up and muddy, we decided to ask the local fishermen for help. They all declined. We must have looked pretty pathetic though, because one came back. With our powers combined... we got the stupid vehicle out.

Saturday afternoon we went to the county fair. We weren't expecting much, but it ended up being the best fair ever. There were sea lions there. Holy shit, SEA LIONS! They were right next to the Frisbee-catching dogs and the live butterfly exhibit. Afterward, we stopped by a nature park near our house we'd never noticed before. Evidently, we need to start being more observant. This park featured a sulfur spring, a beautiful view of the river, and tree houses. If it were better maintained, we might have even considered it for our ceremony location. A dilapidated lodge probably isn't the best backdrop for a wedding though.

Saturday night, Hoop and I drank beer and played with polymer clay. There have always been things I just assumed I'd be good at. Oddly, photography was never one of them. But for some strange (and obviously deluded) reason, I always believed I'd be a wiz with clay. And I am, if anyone is looking for a bunch of clay snakes or squiggles. I also make a mean circle. Sunday, Hoop and did yard work all day. For me, that constituted as yanking all the vines that have taken over our surrounding bushes and trees. By the time I was done, I had a four foot high pile and our shrubs looked rather naked. I think I scared one of the neighborhood kids on my way to the end of the driveway. Wrapped in vines, I looked like a large walking plant with arms.

How was your weekend?

Pride For Sale

Weekend Recap:
1. How low does someone have to get to sell their Mother's burial plot on Craigslist?
2. What about the wedding ring off their still-married hand?
3. In the past few months I've seen numerous postings for cars, jewelry, and wedding dresses all under the headline of "Lost job. Must sell!"
4. But today there was such a sadness in their posts. As if they were really saying, "Please don't make me do this."
5. How can anyone deny that we're in a recession?
6. I'm currently looking for a new car. Mine is costing me as much as a second mortgage each month.
7. Despite the fact that it guzzles gas and oil, both back tires are bald and losing air, that it has a severe coolant leak and that it can't go faster than 70mph without losing control...
8. I'll be sad to see it go.
9. Hoop keeps asking me what I want to get next. As in, "What color? What kind? How big?" My answer of "cheap" and "runs well" apparently isn't good enough.
10. I'll drive anything. No seriously.
11. If you wanted to strap on some wheels and could get me to work in under an hour, I'd pay YOU each month. You wouldn't even have to change out of your PJs.
12. Saturday morning we ate wedding cake!
13. After a month of anticipating and planning, my Mom backed out last minute. If she was waiting for me to reschedule because of her, it didn't happen. I had cake on the brain.
14. We decided on three tiers, each a different flavor. The bottom layer is going to be Hoop's favorite, vanilla with raspberry filling. The second layer is going to be almond and the third is going to be key lime flavored. Mmmm.
15. I took extras to Hoop's Mom and then finished off the rest for breakfast the next morning.
16. I'm wondering if I can do it again in a couple months. I might have to get my dress let out.
17. Besides being sold on the actual taste of the cakes, the ladies running the place were amazing. Neither had gotten more than an hour of sleep the night before. One due to baking and the other because of a concert. But instead of being dull, we chatted and laughed for over an hour.
18. Don't worry, I relieved Hoop halfway through. He didn't even hesitate on his way to the comic store next door.
19. Yesterday, Hoop and did some much needed house work and watched all three Lord Of The Rings movies.
20. I'm officially overdosed on LOTR.
21. Although I really shouldn't complain about watching Orlando Bloom for twelve hours straight.
22. There are worse things... ;)

How did your weekend go?

He's Alive!

Just for the record, Hoop did not actually eat something called the fatal potato berry. He is still very much alive. But thanks for your concern...

You dopes.

Weekend Recap:
1. Sunday and I had a date. It was going to be wonderful. The weather was in the high 70's and nothing had to be done around the house. We had big plans of spending our time together at the park.
2. Poor Sunday. She should know by now that I have really shitty luck.
3. As I was getting ready to take my brother back home (he'd spent the night Saturday), Hoop and I got into a nasty fight.
4. I said some things I don't quite regret and Hoop responded by giving me the stank-eye.
5. So I set off on my own, dreams of all the great adventures I was going to have (ALONE) dancing through my head.
6. Then I ran over a three inch deck screw on the way back from Big Bit's house.
7. Not willing to call mercy, I decided to fix the problem on my own. Armed with a gigantic blue beach towel, a screwdriver, and a can of Fix-A-Flat I went to work.
8. Three strapping men asked if I needed help. I denied them all.
9. I am woman, hear me scream profanity.
10. After twenty minutes of yanking on the damn thing, I finally realized that it would screw out of the tire fairly easily. Imagine that.
11. Once the screw was out, the air poured from the tire uninhibited. It was completely flat before I could even get the lid off the can.
12. It was after I was done, and the tire was still flat, that I decided to call Papa Bear for help.
13. Then I tried to clean up my mess. Unfortunately, the tire had flattened ON the gigantic towel. It looked like a cape. Like maybe my car had fallen on some hapless superhero.
14. This made more than one rubbernecker laugh. Pictures to come.
15. After the tire was fixed, I skipped plans to go to the park and grudgingly made my way home instead.
16. Maybe it's just as well. I might have gotten mauled by a rabid squirrel or something.

Movie Reviews:

Doomsday
Think Mad Max meets Saw. The premise of the movie was interesting. Because it dealt with the future and a deadly virus, I wanted to love it. But somewhere they lost me. Maybe it was with the rebels who didn't have enough food to keep from turning into cannibals, but had enough hair dye to last twenty-five years. If you DO see the movie, please tell me why they didn't just eat that huge herd of wild cows? Overall, the movie was entertaining. I wouldn't buy it, or watch it again. But if nothing else, it was worth the bashing that followed. I mean seriously, how likely is it that a car sitting in a cave twenty-five years is going to run without a problem? Hoop and I gave this flick two and a half sporks out of five.

No Country For Old Men
Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) may be the creepiest and most realistic bad guy I've ever seen on film. His performance was award winning. I cracked open a book at the beginning of the movie, not expecting to be that interested. The book sat in my lap for thirty minutes before I remembered it was there and put it down. For those who like a good mix of suspense, horror and good dialogue, check this movie out. Hoop and I gave it five out of five sporks.

Paper Cups

Hoop crashed out at seven o'clock on Saturday night, leaving me to my boredom and a six pack of Bacardis. Before I drank, I tried to fight the monotony with origami. I'll admit, I had dreams of grandeur. Without having ever made so much as a paper fan, I was already visualizing the swans and tulips I was going to create. I was going to be a natural. Hoop was going to wake up in the morning to a house full of elegant paper art and exclaim that I was a genius.

After two hours, my excitement had waned, leaving me with a colorful pile of paper balls. Paper cups seemed to be the only thing I was capable of making. Although to be fair, I made a paper piano too, but it looked more like a bench than anything. It was as I was cleaning up the cups that I started to wonder if the things could actually hold water. Hey, if the end of the world ever comes, it might be nice to have someone in your party that can make a usable cup...

...or boat. In which case, I am NOT your chick. Sorry.

Any guesses what I filled my cup with? Bacardi. Then I thought, "Well, I shouldn't waste the rest of the bottle." I'm sure this is how all alcoholics begin, with origami cups. So I took my six pack into the computer room and I closed the door. It was around two in the morning that I started to wonder if I was drunk. The six pack was gone and I had filled my IPod with (*now questionable) music. I decided I would test my theory by blogging.

Unfortunately I forgot to post it, thus proving that I was probably pretty toasted. I opened my Blogger dashboard this morning, saw the post and thought, "Oh yeahhhhh. THAT'S what I did on Saturday night!" It was kind of fortunate too I guess. Not because I'm not going to give it to you, but because it really needed an introduction. So... Ta-dah. Here is your introduction. Now enjoy the stupid show:

I thik maybe I'm drunk. Just a little bit. Am still very witty though. I cracked myself up just a moment ago. Hey, I sound like Bridget Jones! Blah, blah, blah. I have a cute British accent. Blah, blah, blah. Can't talk in complete sentences. What the hell is up with that? I wanted to go through her diary with a red pen. If there is anyone who needs an editor for her own private thoughts, it's that broad. Although I probably need a sensor for mine. Someone to rate things before I say them. "Sorry, I can't let that one out. It's an 'R' and we're clearly in a 'PG13' environment. I'll just file that away until tonight. What about this? It involves puppies. Nice, safe, puppies. There you go." Wow. I am so self entertaining. I wonder what Hoop is dreaming about. Maybe I should go tickle his toes and find out? Peace out Homebloys.

*On a separate note, one of the songs I downloaded on Saturday night is titled, "Music is my hot, hot sex." I'm afraid to listen to it.

How was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?

I Fought The Floor

...and the floor won.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm a klutz? I was spot cleaning the tile on Saturday morning when I accidentally spilled the bowl of water on the floor. Being the lazy economical person that I am, I decided to spread the water around and clean the rest of the tile too. Then I went to the kitchen, turned around, and slipped on the soaking wet floor. As I lay there, head on the stereo and arm pinned beneath me, I thought "That sounded like someone slapping two fish together! Was that my thighs?!" No really, that's what I thought. Then I wailed, "Ow!" loud enough for Hoop to hear.

"Oh babe." Hoop fussed, lifting me off the floor. "Are you OK?" After testing to make sure nothing was broken, I started to laugh. I mean seriously, who forgets the floor is wet MOMENTS after they clean it? Almost two years ago, not long after Hoop and I had met, we were watching T.V. when I heard the dog knock over his water dish in the kitchen. So I got up, surveyed the damage, and then walked through the water on my way to get a towel. You can see where this is going. I hit my hip so hard that time that I had problems sitting for two weeks! It's amazing Hoop hasn't wrapped me in bumpers.

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night, Hoop and I ate dinner at one of the places we were considering for our wedding reception.
2. The food was amazing. The only thing that bothered me was the wait-staff. Although the place would be considered "fine dinning", most of the diners were dressed in blue jeans and Polos. The staff, on the other hand, were dressed in suits and ties.
3. "More bread?" Our waiter asked, leaning over the table at me with his huge silver platter. "Um- Yes, please?" It's hard to pretend to be refined when you're wearing yesterday's pants and your significant other is making jokes about the geriatric piano player.
4. Overall though, we really loved the Southern charm of the place. You can see a picture (I stole off the Internet) of it below.

5. Mom, Lil Bit, and I went back on Saturday night to make a deposit. Now to find a place to actually get married. Woof.
6. After checking out the venue, we headed to the mall, where Mom and I tried in vain to convince my thirteen-year-old brother to go see "27 Dresses".
7. Yeah I know. But it was worth a try. I mean, he went and saw "Juno" with us last weekend!
8. Apparently there's only so many chick flicks a dude can handle in a month.

How was your weekend?

Creeping Crud

There are many things I didn't hear until I came to the South, the sonic boom of a NASA spacecraft being one of them. I really thought the world was ending that day. It wasn't very nice of the bus driver to laugh. On the list are also the terms "fixin' ta" and "wannago", as in "I'm fixin' ta go to the store. Wannago?" There's also the classic "ya'll", not to be outdone by its plural version "ya'lls". Ever tried to explain to a redneck that "ya'll" doesn't need a plural because it's ALREADY one? I'd rather cut off my thumbs than have that conversation again.

Oh, and let's not forget "brung" and "conversate". I don't care if they're in the online dictionary, they're not real words! Southerners also get creative with cussing alternatives. Instead of Jesus Christ it's "Jiminy Cricket" or "cheese and rice". Instead of son-of-a-bitch it's "son-of-a-biscuit-eater". Any festival is a "rodeo". Trucks are "bubbas" and hunting season is a holiday. Boots can be dress shoes and antlers make awesome hood ornaments. Camouflage goes with everything, although I'm not sure who in the mall they're hiding from. I got used to it.

Then they start pulling this shit on me:

Coworker: Ugh.
Tink: Are you OK?
Coworker: No, I have the creepy crap.
Tink: The creepy-what?
Coworker 2: He means the creeping crud.
Tink: Creeping crud.
Coworker: Naw, that's what I had last week.
Tink: So the creeping crud turns into the creepy crap?
Coworker: Exactly!
Tink: Just stay away from me.

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night, Hoop and I stayed up until 2am watching "3:10 To Yuma". I was pushing for 3:10, but I just couldn't hang that long.
2. Movie Review: For someone who isn't big into westerns, I was expecting a lot from this movie. Everyone kept saying that this would be the film that converted me. Well, it didn't. Although I liked Crowe's performance, I thought the movie as a whole pretty boring. There was just enough action to keep me from falling asleep. The only satisfying part was at the end, and even then the foreshadowing ruined it from being a surprise. Overall, Hoop and I rate this movie three out of five sporks.
3. Saturday afternoon Hoop and I went and checked out a potential wedding/reception location.
4. We liked the place instantly. The building is designed to look like an old Victorian mansion. The banquet room we'd be using overlooks a courtyard and has multiple skylights.
5. The best feature of all though was the price. $350 for four hours! Included in the cost are all the linens, plates, and clean-up fees. Cha-ching!
6. The one drawback was the actual ceremony locations. One faced a swimming pool and the other was situated on a tiny slab of concrete facing another banquet hall. Hm.
7. So we're going to try and check out some more possibilities this week before making up our mind. Cross your fingers nothing books for the weekend we've picked out.
8. Have I mentioned how good I am with this stuff? No? Well that's because I'm NOT. If we were rich I'd hire someone to do this for me. Like dude, just tell me where to be and what time.
9. All day Sunday, Hoop and I cleaned the house. I don't think our place has EVER been so neat. The reason behind our madness was because Hoop's boss was coming over to watch the game.
10. Everything went great. There was plenty of food, the boss was impressed with our digs, the team we were cheering for won, and I got smashingly drunk.
11. Even drunk, I made sure I cleaned up all the mess before going to bed. "Now that the house is clean, I'm never going to let it get dirty again!" I thought stupidly.
12. Then I woke up this morning and found dirty plates stashed under the coffee table.
13. Under the coffee table! I live with a pig. Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Hoop's apartment and cleaned?
13. I knew him all of two weeks.
14. It was THAT bad.
15. Although if you ask Hoop, he'd say it's because I'm THAT anal.

The Award You Can Eat With!

Last year, on December 8th, I gave away 43 Golden Spork Awards in appreciation of this blog's 1st birthday. Well... PB's birthday came around again and I missed it, along with the Spork Award Ceremony. Things have been crazy lately. Not only have my posts been sporadic, but I haven't been able to check everyone's blogs as much as I'd like either. So maybe the awards are more justified this year. You all have stuck by me, despite my slow crawl into insanity.

You could have laughed and put spitballs in my hair, but you didn't. *Sniff* You didn't. For that I'm extremely grateful. Starting today, anyone who comments on this blog will receive a Spork Award... FREE. Tallying will start after 5pm (Eastern Standard Time) on Thursday, January 10th. Categories will be based on who is going to receive one. Those who won an award last year will get a badge that has BOTH awards on it. So get to commenting!

New Years Recap:
When Hoop came home on Monday night I was sprawled out on the couch, naked, bare-faced and fast asleep. "Bay-beeee," He crooned softly. "Unnnh," I mumbled back. He let me sleep for a half hour more. When I finally got up, there was drool on my arm and my hair had tangled itself around the remote. I contemplated staying home. But the thought of greeting the new year alone, without Hoop, was unthinkable. I knew it was getting late. "Can I take a shower?" I asked. Bless his heart, Hoop knew better than to complain. We didn't arrive into town until ten.

By the time we showed up, everyone was already drunk. Hoop's Dad mistakenly carried his pint glass out onto the street from the bar. "Ooops," he said, dropping the glass into a bush. "I'll come by and get it later." He never did. "I want to find a crown!" His girlfriend announced. We crossed the street and spun around to look at all the surrounding bars. People flocked in and out of them like sheep. "THERE!" She shouted, pointing at a group wearing plastic top hats. We entered the building and paid the $5 fee. I thought we were just getting hats. I had no idea we planned to STAY.

"I think we're the youngest people in here," I whispered to Hoop, surveying the scene at the VA. Middle-aged women in prom dresses danced to old Madonna songs. Everyone was smoking. I held my breath as we walked to a table in the back, only to find that the air never really cleared. Eventually they broke out the karaoke machine. By then the crowd was thoroughly liquored up. One man got so into his song, he dropped onto the floor and skinned his knees. Hoop's Dad's Girlfriend dragged me out on the dance floor. "Your hips!" She commanded. I looked on at a sea of toothless smiling faces.

At ten til midnight, everyone rose from their seats. "You're blocking the T.V.!" Some old guy yelled. Another man stood on top of a table to see the countdown. People started cheering at five til. "Happy New Year!" One woman shouted in my ear. "You stupid cow, it's not midnight yet!" The man on the table yelled. Some people took to counting. "10..9..8.." The man on the table followed a few seconds after. "10..9..8.." The mix sounded something like this, "10..9..8..10..7..9..6.." I pulled out my phone to check the time. "Now," I said to Hoop at twelve. "Now?" "Now!" And so we brought in the new year.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Why does your hand smell?
Hoop: I don't know.
...
Hoop: Here, smell the other one.
Tink: *Gag* Oh my God. That one smells worse!
Hoop: Yeah, I was scratching my balls.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: Do you think the dentist will let me take my wisdom teeth home?
Tink: I don't see why not. Just let them know before they put you under.
Hoop: That would be awesome.
Tink: What're going to do with them?
Hoop: I don't know.
Tink: Maybe the tooth fairy will come.
Hoop: Or maybe I could put them in a statue!

Monday: Good-bye December
Tuesday: WWC (Words this week are STRANGE and BLACK)

Have a spendiferous weekend Homebloys!