Monday, February 04, 2008

Creeping Crud

There are many things I didn't hear until I came to the South, the sonic boom of a NASA spacecraft being one of them. I really thought the world was ending that day. It wasn't very nice of the bus driver to laugh. On the list are also the terms "fixin' ta" and "wannago", as in "I'm fixin' ta go to the store. Wannago?" There's also the classic "ya'll", not to be outdone by its plural version "ya'lls". Ever tried to explain to a redneck that "ya'll" doesn't need a plural because it's ALREADY one? I'd rather cut off my thumbs than have that conversation again.

Oh, and let's not forget "brung" and "conversate". I don't care if they're in the online dictionary, they're not real words! Southerners also get creative with cussing alternatives. Instead of Jesus Christ it's "Jiminy Cricket" or "cheese and rice". Instead of son-of-a-bitch it's "son-of-a-biscuit-eater". Any festival is a "rodeo". Trucks are "bubbas" and hunting season is a holiday. Boots can be dress shoes and antlers make awesome hood ornaments. Camouflage goes with everything, although I'm not sure who in the mall they're hiding from. I got used to it.

Then they start pulling this shit on me:

Coworker: Ugh.
Tink: Are you OK?
Coworker: No, I have the creepy crap.
Tink: The creepy-what?
Coworker 2: He means the creeping crud.
Tink: Creeping crud.
Coworker: Naw, that's what I had last week.
Tink: So the creeping crud turns into the creepy crap?
Coworker: Exactly!
Tink: Just stay away from me.

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night, Hoop and I stayed up until 2am watching "
3:10 To Yuma". I was pushing for 3:10, but I just couldn't hang that long.
2. Movie Review: For someone who isn't big into westerns, I was expecting a lot from this movie. Everyone kept saying that this would be the film that converted me. Well, it didn't. Although I liked Crowe's performance, I thought the movie as a whole pretty boring. There was just enough action to keep me from falling asleep. The only satisfying part was at the end, and even then the foreshadowing ruined it from being a surprise. Overall, Hoop and I rate this movie three out of five sporks.
3. Saturday afternoon Hoop and I went and checked out a potential wedding/reception location.
4. We liked the place instantly. The building is designed to look like an old Victorian mansion. The banquet room we'd be using overlooks a courtyard and has multiple skylights.
5. The best feature of all though was the price. $350 for four hours! Included in the cost are all the linens, plates, and clean-up fees. Cha-ching!
6. The one drawback was the actual ceremony locations. One faced a swimming pool and the other was situated on a tiny slab of concrete facing another banquet hall. Hm.
7. So we're going to try and check out some more possibilities this week before making up our mind. Cross your fingers nothing books for the weekend we've picked out.
8. Have I mentioned how good I am with this stuff? No? Well that's because I'm NOT. If we were rich I'd hire someone to do this for me. Like dude, just tell me where to be and what time.
9. All day Sunday, Hoop and I cleaned the house. I don't think our place has EVER been so neat. The reason behind our madness was because Hoop's boss was coming over to watch the game.
10. Everything went great. There was plenty of food, the boss was impressed with our digs, the team we were cheering for won, and I got smashingly drunk.
11. Even drunk, I made sure I cleaned up all the mess before going to bed. "Now that the house is clean, I'm never going to let it get dirty again!" I thought stupidly.
12. Then I woke up this morning and found dirty plates stashed under the coffee table.
13. Under the coffee table! I live with a pig. Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Hoop's apartment and cleaned?

13. I knew him all of two weeks.
14. It was THAT bad.
15. Although if you ask Hoop, he'd say it's because I'm THAT anal.

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At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Chris said...

Don't the dogs take care of dirty plates under the coffee table for you?

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

"Instead of Jesus Christ it's "Jiminy Cricket" or "cheese and rice"

And don't forget that "Good God" is now "Good Gravy!"

3:10 to Uma is next up from NetFlix! I'm a fan of westerns, so I think I'll enjoy it more than you. Probably.

Dishes under the coffee table? Ew.

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Candy said...

I always thought the plural of "y'all" was "all y'all"

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger ALLISON said...

Dude, I loved 3:10 to Yuma. LOL!

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger R.E.H. said...

Havin' the boss over for the SuperBowl sounds like a recipe for disaster to me... but, then again, maybe his boss is a much more pleasant person than mine ;)

Y'all take care now.

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Betty said...

If you ever ask anyone for a ride, they'll say, "Why shore, I'll carry you!" They'll mean, in the car, so it's ok if you accept.

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Karen said...

I just got 3:10 from Yuma in Saturdays mail from Netflix. I was planning on sunggling in tonight with that movie after Gossip Girl.

I don't like Westerns either so I will give my review.

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Tequila Mockingbird said...

i lived in manatee county when i lived in fla, and it's one of those things you just get accustomed to. are you near an orange juice plant? i've been gone for three years, and i now miss the smell of burning oranges at tropicana.

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Moi said...

Don't forget to yell "Hoooooo Doggies!" when it is hot, cold, warm, wet, dry, cloudy, exciting, boring, etc.

Also, you can have your ceremony at a different place then the reception. I couldn't find a place that I liked enough to do both, so we picked one place to do the ceremony and then had the reception about 15 minutes away.

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Farmer*swife said...

Awww, come on, we Southerners aren't so bad. I'm from the way South -- Texas South. I love us our "isms."

My favorite curses used to all include the word @ss. It goes well with anything. But, now I have to make up "un-explicit" one's for around the kids.

On an average day, "Chicken Biskets, Oh my chickens, It's the cowpoop," and the infamous "That dog don't hunt" [I know, Dr. Phil uses that one but where do you think he came from]. I have more, but I won't drive you batty.

Weddings are wonderful! I'm so happy for y'all. Just remember to have a friend in charge of keeping a beer/glass of wine/martini/[insert prefered alcohol here] in your hand at all times or you will never get a chance...And, food, have someone forage the food. Sure, you'll sit down at meal time but that doesn't mean you will get a chance to eat.

Keep us posted with the wedding plans!

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Jen said...

OMG! I can totally relate to this southern slang schtuff. No really - I have been known on occasion to say, "ya'll" and "all ya'll(s)", but you will never, EVER catch me saying, "fixin' to." Never. I've had all the same arguments as you have had, especially with regards to "fixin' to" - I mean, really, what are you FIXING? A bike? A car? A broken satanistic fridge that keeps coming home to you? What? What? WHAT ARE YOU FIXING?!

But these conversations leave me exhausted. My brain hurts and I think I did attempt to cut my own thumbs off after a marathon debate.

You're so funny! And cute in da face!

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger furiousBall said...

that's disappointing, i was expecting good things from 3:10

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Jen said...

P.S. in reading some of the responses to this here post, I got to thinking about your wedding.

a bit of unsolicited advice: have someone make some sandwiches or subs, bring fruit, chips, soda (wine if they allow it) and bring them to the ceremony. That way your wedding party, including yourself and husband to be can eat before you get married. You won't have another chance later on during the reception.

It was so nice one the church ladies did this for us on our wedding day. I was never so thankful as we did not have time for breakfast or dinner.

That's all I'm sayin'.

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger flutter said...

perhaps if he has creepy crap, perhaps some fiber is in order?

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger gr said...

what with global warming and all this southern mild winter stuff moving into the north, I am wondering if I should add 'ya'll and bubba or cheesy rice' to my vocabulary, but I prefer good old fashioned blasphemy and obscenity for f#cks sake

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Mouse said...

Oh Southernisms.. not a week goes by that I don't hear one that makes me wonder why on earth I still live here in Georgia. I'm a transplanted Yankee but I DID end up with "Y'all" in my vocabulary. I refuse to say "fixin" unless its said dripping with sarcasm and in a mocking tone. After living here for about 7 years collectively I have noticed all sorts of interesting phrases cropping up in my normal conversation. I think I need to go home for a while.. lol.

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Maggie said...

I'm pretty sure that disgust at plates under coffee tables does not qualify as anal. I'll check the reference books though.

Well now, it says here that being that dirty is a leading cause of the creeping crud, which as we all know leads to...

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger mrspao said...

If it is any consolation, I used to boggle slightly at some of the expressions that pao used to say as if they were quite normal. Well, I suppose they are normal now :)

Good luck with finding a good venue!

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Alli said...

Ah yes, the southern talk. I have to admit I say, "y'all" & "good gravy." But don't say fixin ta or bubba....

Speaking of movie reviews. We THE dumbest. movie. ever. Do NOT bother with "Strange Wilderness." It's completely retarded. AND I love dumb humor. But this was just dumb. ug. I can't get those 2 hours back. :(

Looking forward to hearing more wedding plans!

OH and EAT AT YOUR RECEPTION!!! Hubby & I sat at our sweetheart table & actually ate & enjoyed our food & cake. Just do it! Everyone can be without you for 10-15 min while you eat. Just my 2 cents. But yes, make sure you do have something to snack on before the ceremony.

At 04 February, 2008, Blogger Reb said...


In the Frozen North we use "interesting" substitutions for things as well. It depends on the age of the person and their home province, some things, you can tell exactly where they are from.

"Those Ones" is a thing that bothers me - and you hear it on TV & radio and from people that are supposed to be professionals! I have given up explaining the wrongness of it.

At 05 February, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You will be happy to know I FINALLY displayed my Golden Spork award.

Woo Hoo!

At 05 February, 2008, Blogger janet said...

wanna come clean my house?

or not.

At 05 February, 2008, Anonymous susan said...

I grew up with the Creepin' Crud...maybe I'm part Southerner?

Could you rent an arch or something to cover up the unsightly backgrounds. Or just get a sheet of camouflage to hide it...

At 05 February, 2008, Blogger Christy said...

Gew! Dirty plate under the table. There could be amoebas! Hehe.

And gew to the creeping crud, I would have told them to stay away from me, too.

At 05 February, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You northerners ... or more appropriately .. Yankees. Please don't try to change our language. It's like trying to change the German language. Although I hear other cultures don't have nearly the slang we have. Just accept we are "fixin' to go, wannago?" We don't try to change people from drinking at "Bubbler" or having a "pop". Hey, it would be easier if you guys would just accept that when we ask if you want a Coke, you say, "Sure, I'll have a Dr. Pepper."

My favorite new phrase for being sick is butt flu. As opposed to nose flu or mouth flu. Butt flu being the one you want the least.

Good score on the wedding place.

And Candy: Yes "all y'all IS the plural of y'all"


At 05 February, 2008, Blogger carymc said...

You must really be in the sticks, girl. I've lived in Georgia for most of my life and have never heard of either creepy crap or creeping crud. But I've also found that there are many regional differences in Southernisms. My wife grew up in south Georgia and says things I'd never heard until we got married, like "That's gonna last about as long as Pat stayed in the Army" (for something that won't last). Huh? Who's Pat? How long was he in the Army?

At 05 February, 2008, Anonymous Sparkel said...

My dad says "cheese and rice" all the time. I think it's hilarious. And he's from Boston! Well, we lived in Alabama for a couple years, but I'm pretty sure he said it before then. As you can imagine though, he fit right in.

At 05 February, 2008, Blogger The Mama Bear said...

I cleaned Papa Bear's apartment within our first weeks of dating...amazing we are still married almost 17 years later! Nasty!

Yes, stay away from anything called creeping crud or crap.

Up here we just call it the flu.
Though we can get pretty damn redneck in Wisconsin too.

Good luck with the wedding locale, not an easy thing to do. I am already thinking of where to do our vow renewal for our I wrong to want it outdoors? April is a finicky month though for weather here.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

At 05 February, 2008, Blogger captain corky said...

It's impressive that you stayed with him after cleaning up his filth. That's when he probably realized that you were the one. ;)

At 05 February, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

Slobs and neurotics are a match made in heaven. :)

At 05 February, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what is creeping crud?

All men are slobs, didn't you know?

Your feeling better I guess?

At 05 February, 2008, Blogger Jo said...

So that's where I got "Jiminy Cricket", I've been saying it a midwest accent.

A victorian mansion sounds so cool!

I cleaned hub's apartment 2 weeks into our relationship too, it was the only way I could stay overnight. He had things in his fridge that were furry.

At 05 February, 2008, Blogger Sparkling Red said...

I just read through all the comments and I can't believe that I'm the first to think of this:
You should definitely have your ceremony facing the pool, and then do cannonballs into the water when you're pronounced man and wife!
Yeehaw! What better way to celebrate?
Then when the crowd throws rice, it will stick to you, instead of going all over the floor and making a mess.
I should have been a wedding planner...

At 06 February, 2008, Blogger Kimmykay said...

What about the word Tump??? Heard it yet? sad to say I've used them all. I'm a great southerner.

At 06 February, 2008, Blogger mamatulip said...

Trucks are bubbas?

I like to call them Pick-em-up's.

Hey, at least he put them *under* the coffee table. He's gotta get a point for that. ;)

At 11 February, 2008, Blogger Topanga Bay said...

I moved back from New Orleans after living there for 4 years and I came back with the worst southern accent you could imagine. Chicago-meets-New Orleans...interesting. We always said all y'all. I still to this day say it even though it's been 3 years since I lived there. My favorite though, was my friend's dad asked me, "do you have kin up yonder." Not as clear as that but you get the point. It took me a half hour to respond with he and I sitting looking at each other akwardly becuase i had NO FRICKIN idea what he was talking about. I finally just started coughing to get out of the room. I'm sure to this day he still thinks "those damn yankees!" are morons!

At 11 February, 2008, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Just be happy it wasn't the creepy clap.


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