Thursday, January 17, 2008

I Hate Elves

I had a meeting in Orlando yesterday for work. Here are the notes I took:

"Does anyone else find it disconcerting that there are so many elves in the work field? Rice Crispie has them. Keebler has them. Santa has a whole shop of them! I seriously suspect the Lucky Charms leprechaun is really an elf in disguise. Are they cheaper? Are they able to work longer hours? Please, I want to know. Because I think it's awfully unfair that they've cornered the market like they have. I like toys and food! I don't even mind wearing pointy shoes."

This came after I snagged a chocolate chip cookie from the snack tray and realized it had fudge in the middle. FUDGE... in my COOKIE. Like, it wasn't really a cookie at all, but rather a fudge square disguised with a delicious looking cookie shell. But I wouldn't really know that because there wasn't even enough cookie to pick off. I of course blamed the Keebler elves. They're obviously fucking with us.

As you can tell, I learned a lot from this meeting.

In Other News:

Tom Cruise is
crazy. Surprise, surprise. Watch this video as he explains his views on Scientology. At least that's what I think he's doing. I didn't actually understand anything he said other than "you're either in it or not," a dozen times. I get it dude. You have to join the cult to get the free punch. I think I'll pass.

Hoop and I watched "Hellboy" two nights ago. The movie makes a reference to Rasputin, who (until this film) I hadn't known much about. Then Hoop mentioned some old legend about Rasputin defying death despite being poisoned, shot, and stabbed. So of course I had to google the man. What I read wasn't nearly as fascinating as
this picture I found. Check out the chick with the mustache. Egad. Did they not have wax back then?!

Anyhoop, I'm out of rambles. Hope your day is going well homebloys!

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45 Comments:

At 17 January, 2008, Blogger J said...

I think she went to see Rasputin to see if he could "magic" the 'stache away. Rasputin: the original Epilady. Of course, he probably just pulled out a jar of a "mystical potion" which was really just a batch of homemade Nair. Yikes.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Maggie said...

Oh and wasn't that Rasputin a sexy man?

Maybe, maybe Rasputin did defy death and his new plan to become the world ruler is to infiltrate the work force with elves, making jobs scarce and cookies too irresistable to, well resist and then we'll be distracted by our lack of rent money and all those yummy cookies to notice he's taking over the world. Wait, does Rasputin spell Bush backwards? Or something?

 
At 17 January, 2008, Anonymous emily said...

Wow, could he look more like Charles Manson??? Maybe femme-staches are hot to the crazies...

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Christy said...

You are flippin' hilarious! Lucky Charms leprechaun is really an elf in disguise..hahahahaha!

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger furiousBall said...

I would like to go on the record as saying that Liv Tyler in the LOTR trilogy is the first elf I would bang. I mean besides Lucky.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Brynne said...

yee gads!! That is a hairy upper lip!!! gross

 
At 17 January, 2008, Anonymous emily said...

ohhhhhh, boy, I just watched Tom Cruise and HAD to come back. He is a big bowl of crazy, isn't he?! It really is the ramblings of a madman. I especially liked the part where he says, with no discernable context for this to make sense, "I'd really love to go on vacation and romp, but I can't, because I KNOW.... because I KNOW...." OH, and also, I liked the wild bursts of maniacal laughing at things that don't really seem like they are supposed to be humorous statements.

Anyway...judge not lest ye be judged, right? I guess I just don't get it.

 
At 17 January, 2008, OpenID snookster said...

1. I don't like elves either. They creep me out.

2. Tom Cruise is a spacecadet.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Alli said...

mmm...fudge filled cookies...

Wow. Tom is even crazier than I thought. What the fork was he talking about? He did not have one sensical thought in all that rambling. Not One. I am in no way diagnosing him, but his ramblings sounded like someone with a psych disorder. But we all know he doesn't believe in psychiatry...so, I guess a real psych eval is out of the question. All I can think is poor, poor Katie. What did she get herself into?

Yes, Rasputin was one scary dude. And WOW, those definitely were not attractive peeps in that photo!

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger minijonb said...

i think Tom Cruise is going to crash into a big ball of trainwreck this year and start wearing skirts with no panties underneath.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Betty said...

Maybe Tom Cruise thinks that because he doesn't believe in psychiatry, he doesn't have to believe in "crazy", either.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Chris said...

Maybe Tom Cruise is in elf in disguise. He's short enough. /end snark

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Brody said...

Some of my best friends are elves.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger meno said...

I watched that TC video last night. He is batshit. Incomplete sentences, bursts of inappropriate laughter, touching of the face.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

That chick is exactly who the makers of those electric razors for women are aiming for in their commercials. I think Dr. Leonard's carries what she needs for like $19.95. And she gets a free gift with it too!

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger R.E.H. said...

What? Is Tom Cruise trying to take over my blog or something? Hey, Tom! Ramblings of a Madman is mine, dude! Mine, I tell'ya!

Fudge filled cookies are the best!

Women with moustaches... not so much.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Jen said...

I listened really hard to Tom's message. My brain hurts now. In trying to discern what in batsh*t crazy was he talking about, I hurt my own brain.

I'm going to sue him now.

Rasputin = Scientology.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger carymc said...

I don't like any type of diminutive weirdos: elves, dwarves, pixies, midgets, leprechauns, fairies, sprites, nymphs, pucks, gnomes, trolls, hobbits, hobgoblins, and Tom Cruise.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger gr said...

My cat has a little mustache and I think she looks charming.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger flutter said...

elves are not as scary as clowns.

just sayin'.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Gordo said...

I have in-laws in Scientology. That's some scary-ass shit, I must say. Honestly, you'd think someone who works in medicine would have enough intelligence to run screaming from them.

Ra ra Rasputin
Lover of the Russian Queen
There was a cat that really was gone
Ra ra Rasputin
Russia's greatest love machine
It was a shame how he carried on

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Kell said...

I'm just too tired to handle Tom Cruise tonight. I'll have to check that out later. It just takes too much energy to watch him in anything but Risky Business reruns.

I loved Hellboy.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger radioactive girl said...

The Tom video perplexed me. It seemed almost like they cut and pasted him around so that he would sound crazier, but I don't even think that is the case. I didn't understand a word of what he said and to be honest, he sort of scared me.

I am delurking a bunch of days late...I think I found you from furiousball.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger janet said...

i'm afraid!

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger fiwa said...

Girl, we musta been in the same meeting! I didn't get any cookie covered fudge though (that actually sounds kinda perverted), no fair. How the hell is a girl supposed to stay awake without some serious sugar intake?

Tom Cruise is a freak of the nth degree. Freak.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger Jo said...

Maybe Tom Cruise is Rasputin. I know Tom thinks he's an uber wizard of some sort with the ability to cure everything but shortness & turn pretty young women into matrons overnight.

 
At 17 January, 2008, Blogger butterfly girl said...

I was gonna email you a link to this Cruise thing today but I had to get the kids off the bus. See where you rate! Ha-Ha!

Anyway, he made no sense and I kept staring at his double chin when he made those strange faces. But he said something....what was it....something about a car wreck and only he could help. Wha-wha-what?! Man is a loon.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger mrspao said...

There is someone at work who looks like Rasputin...

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Matt-Man said...

Elves are creepy enough as they are, but elves who belong to the Church of Scientology are just plain evil. Trust Me. Cheers!!

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Edge said...

People who are charismatic like Rasputin fascinate me. He had sex with EVERYONE I hear.

And yes, that woman was distinctly mustached. I shiver when I think of the "other" personal grooming areas that were not adhered to in those days.

Why you hatin' on elves? What did they do to you?

~Jef

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Edge said...

Oh ya, do you really think Cruise impregnated Katie with L Ron Hubbard's sperm. That's the rumor. No wonder Germany won't let him in.

~Jef

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger ragingmom said...

Am I the only one who thinks Mustache Woman looks like John Belushi in drag?

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Ginni Dee said...

Elves, creepy...but not as creepy as clowns!

Tom Cruise...creepier than either elves or clowns.

Chicks with a stache...creepier than elves, clowns but NOT Tom Cruise.

Rasputin...creepier than elves, clowns and chicks with a stache...but NOT creepier than Tom Cruise.

Let's face it...TC is just the freakin' creepoutcreepmeister!

But fudgyfilled cookies? Those are definitely NOT creepy!!

(I was trying to see how many times I could say "creepy" in one blogpost!)

P.S. when I first saw that chick's stache, I thought it was too much collegen

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Real Live Lesbian said...

I think she's kinda cute. ;)

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Doc said...

Tom Cruise is off his rocker with this whole scientology thing... Elves are nice as long as they don't bother me... and Rasputin was famous for more than just defying death... but you probably read and found that out. ;-)

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger g-man said...

That 'sctche "chick" looked errily like the dudes behind "her" ... Elves are evels ...

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Tawcan said...

That reminds me of the South Park episode...

"Tom please come out of the closet."

Hehe.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Judith Shapiro said...

Glad to find your blog. A riot. And tawcan is right on. You gotta see the South Park episode.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger mamatulip said...

Okay, you know who creeps me right the fuck out? The Jolly Green Giant. Seriously, have you looked at that guy lately? CREEPY.

Him and Tom Cruise should hook up and be creepy together.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Aunt Jackie said...

I am not particularly fond of elves either, well except maybe the ones in the Lord of the Rings books. :)

Tom Cruise is crazy, and has always been. I've never been a fan of him at all... yucky!

Tink it's o.k. I still see women with mustaches these days even though we do have wax available!

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Carly said...

The Travelocity gnome freaks me out. That little bastard is EVERYWHERE! I had posted about cruise on my blog as well. I want him to run for president.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Newt said...

Hellboy two is coming! The characters look super cool. You, darl'n girl, are too funny.

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger mjd said...

I think that the chick is a dude. Even if waxing was not common, they did have razors.

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger Foo said...

Okay, I just watched the Tom Cruise video and have two thoughts:

1. My, what an articulate fellow. Not.
2. Yikes.

 
At 24 January, 2008, Blogger Brynne said...

DUDE!! sorry I say dude a lot. but I just saw this video on MSN I haven't had a chance to watch is but it's Jerry O'Connell mocking Tom Cruise. I wish I could get a proper link but I can't seem to get one. it's Hilarious!! if you go to MSN and under video highlights it's Jerry O'Connell mocks Cruise video. Thought you might appreciate it.

 

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