Friday, January 18, 2008

Slower Than Snails In Syrup

(Mmm, syrup.)

That's what mode my brain is on today. I should be doing something productive, like writing another chapter for
TT (or working). But instead I'm reading up on Scientology. I hope there aren't any subliminal messages hidden in this shit. If I start jumping on couches or staring at you for a really long time without blinking, get help. On the other hand, maybe I could start using the excuse, "It wasn't me! The aliens Body Thetans made me do it." Here's a pretty informative paragraph about the "origin" of the religion:

"Hubbard asserted that some 70 million years ago, our planet, then called Teegeeack, had been one of the 76 planets of the Galactic Confederation. The Confederation was badly overpopulated, with hundreds of billions on each planet. Xenu (also called 'Xemu' by Hubbard), the president of the Confederation, ruled that the excess population should be sent to Teegeeack, put alongside volcanoes and subjected to nuclear explosions. The spirits, or Thetans, of the victims were then 'implanted' with religious and technological images for 36 days. They were then sent to either Hawaii or Las Palmas to be stuck together into clusters. Human beings, so Hubbard said, are actually a collection of Thetans, a cluster of "Body Thetans." Xenu was rounded up six years after the event and imprisoned in a mountain. According to Hubbard, anyone remembering this material would die."

Did you hear that? Don't remember this material or you will DIE! God these people are freaky. I found out why Cruise kept mentioning that he'd be the only person able to help during a car accident. Apparently rich ambitious Scientologists can move up in the ranks to possess psychic abilities! These powers include the ability to change conditions purely through intentions and to read minds. God, that must be convenient. I wonder why he didn't make us love his last movie than.

Well read this Cruise. I'm thinking something. Are you getting it? Is it coming through OK? That's right, you suck. I really liked Katie Holmes. She was cute, respectable and NORMAL. But you had to brainwash her away from us and impregnate her with cult-leader-sperm. I will never forgive you. Never. Now we're stuck with celebrities like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. The first one claims to have split personalities and I think the second might be one of them. So do the decent thing and release her, man. I swear I'll stop making fun of you (in public).

P.S. Don't forget, the
WWC words for this week are ENVY and TRIANGLE. Happy snapping!

Have a sporktastic weekend homebloys!

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31 Comments:

At 18 January, 2008, Blogger R.E.H. said...

I've not kept myself updated on the Scientology "religion", but if that paragraph is something they claim to be actually believing in - they are quite a few more steps left of center than I originally thought.

Yeah, give me back the sweet and innocent Katie Holmes! To think - I used to have a huge crush on her!

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Sparkling Red said...

Yeah, wow, I knew Scientology was weird, but I didn't know it was THAT weird. Hooooweeeeee!

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Chris said...

Yikes. *shudders*

Um, yeah, sporktastic weekend back at you! Step away from the freaky pseudoreligious tracts for a while, 'k??

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Spamboy said...

I'm down with getting psychic powers just because you think they'll be granted to you. After all, I was electrocuted badly as a kid, and afterwards I convinced all of my friends that I could now see through walls. It's really easy to tell four-year-old kids that they're wearing white underwear and have them believe you. Hail Xenu!

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Alli said...

I cannot believe that people actually believe that nonsense. It's crazy!

Don't get brainwashed, tink!!!!

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Jay said...

Have you ever noticed how you see very little criticism of Scientology on TV or in Newpapers? That's because when a pundit or newspaper columnist does criticize Scientology he/she gets thousands of death threats! Seriously, one dude said one time that he had death threats left on his car and taped to the door of his house for writing an article about those people. They're totally nucking futs!

Also, supposedly Katie wasn't Tom's first choice for stepford wife. According to a lot of people he tried to get Scarlett Johansson first and even wanted Jessica Alba. Of course, Jessica Alba probably would have been better for us since she is a moron who can't act. Nobody would have really cared about her joining the cult.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger mrspao said...

Yikes! Hope that you can tear yourself away and that you have an awesome weekend.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Anonymous Scottsdale Girl said...

I love this post, LOVE IT.

I hate TOm Cruise HATE HIM!

Homebloys still makes me think of blowjobs. I don't know either...

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Maggie said...

And he thinks he's presenting himself as some kind of highly intelligent person? I mean I read that shit. I know it's shit. You know it's shit. Howcome, if he's so smart, he doesn't know that's shit?

I hope Katie packs her stuff and takes the baby girl and runs.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger meno said...

L. Ron once said that the way to get rich was to invent a religion.

Looks like it works huh? Let's see what we can come up with.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Newt said...

I had no idea............thanks for the edumacation. Now, I'm really depressed to know that Will Smith follows that. I used to like him and respect him. Damn it.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Jen said...

I have not the words.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger gr said...

I have heard Tom Cruise is short. (well, I am compact in height myself, too, but..)
He must have been crazy to have left his rather gorgeous first wife, Nicole, but nobody said he was smart....and that baby Siri doesn't have a chance. You can see her eyeballs spinning in their sockets already.

 
At 18 January, 2008, Blogger Kell said...

My side hurts from laughing so hard. This was great.

My hubby thinks that Hubbard started all this because he wanted it to be called a religion so he wouldn't have to pay taxes.

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger janet said...

tom cruise is a scary scary person. i refuse to see his movies anymore. not like he would care a tinker's damn about my personal boycott, but I feel better knowing that i don't contribute to his craziness.

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger Edge said...

Why does brainwashing always take place in Hawaii, why not Cleveland ... or West Konshahawken, New Jersey?

I could use some syruo on a big stack of pancakes myself.

BTW - I'm published. I'll tell you about it later if you ask.

~Jef

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger CRUSTYBEEF said...

Great post! I've always been interested in Scientology strictly to try and understand their methods and motives! As someone that is very busy, and can be a tad loud at times, I'd have been asked to turn in my scientology lurels a long time ago..(did I spell that right?)

envy and triangle..hmmm...see, I knew a few guys back in my day that referred to the women's anatomy "down there" as the snapping triangle...Go figure..but I have some idea's for the WWC without being perverted too!
Always,
Elizabeth

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger Foo said...

“The first one claims to have split personalities and I think the second might be one of them.”

Shit. I just aspirated half a cup of coffee. I hearby nominate this post for your Best of Tink coffee table book. The only thing that might have improved it is if you'd found a copy of the South Park scientology episode to embed.

Love ya. Mean it.

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger Mary said...

LOL. Hw is crazy. So are all of those peeps...

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger butterfly girl said...

They will be knocking at your door now. You know that right? It's been nice knowing you.

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger Penelope Anne said...

I read some on Scientology and everything bothers me, so I just do my best to ignore the fact people I like such as Will Smith practice the religion....only Cruise makes a fool of himself over it though. He did ruin little Katie.

I have added you to the Docking Port Blogroll at the Cafe at the End of the Universe as of today. Oh and I love your Golden Spork Awards, I need to check some of the people out, but some are already fav reads.

Mama Bear

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger fiwa said...

And now they've brainwashed Will Smith too. What the hell is up with that?!

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Fucking freaks is what they are...

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger Jo said...

Scientology is so freaky. Once you reach a certain level (you pay to get there), they give you a "secret" folder that supposedly reveals the inner workings of the cult--how to tap into your alien powers & the eventual return to the Mother Ship.

Tom Cruise reminded me of Hitler in that recent koo-koo video you linked. Despite his amazing powers, he still speaks like he never got past the 8th grade. FREE KATIE!

 
At 19 January, 2008, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

For your brain "not working today," you're pretty funny. I used to like Katie too. She was so "innocent" and he ruined her.

He's crazy himself. It's too bad, because I used to like him.

 
At 20 January, 2008, Blogger ALLISON said...

Well, I've always hated Tom Cruise. I seriously never understood the fascination and crushes on him.

But Katie? Oh, dear sweet Katie. [sigh] Dawson's Creek ruled. Even STEVE was obsessed with Dawson's Creek. Do you ever wonder what their parents think of their new found "religion"? I mean, seriously.

And how come John Travolta is a scientologist but you wouldn't really know it? I LOVE John Travolta. But he doesn't seem weird or freaky or like he's possessed by devils or aliens or other life forms. Can't all scientologists be more like him? Then I wouldn't be annoyed by them as much.

 
At 20 January, 2008, Blogger ALLISON said...

Oh, and while we're on this subject...

How does one all of a sudden start believing in this shit? I mean, I guess I could see it if you were born and raised that way. (((Tom & Katie's child))). But seriously. How, as an adult, do you wake up one day and just decide to believe in some weird, freaky, alien/volcano shit and not check yourself into a mental ward that same day?

And, on the flip side... if you could make as much cash as Hubbard, wouldn't you create some sort of bullshit like this too? Dammit. That's it. Tink, you & I are going to start a new religious cult. I've got the alien name thing down, and you've got the spork references. What more do we really need?

 
At 20 January, 2008, OpenID gawilli said...

This is a pretty interesting topic to me, actually. There are a lot of fundamentalists that seem equally as brainwashed and whacko. And quite frankly, are doing a lot more damage.

Envy and Triangle. Boy those are rough ones. Better look around the house. It's way too cold to venture out!

 
At 20 January, 2008, Blogger Amanda said...

Here via Flutter. This was delicious! Did you catch the clips of Cruise talking Scientology and it was nearly all acronyms, like he was a little boy playing "secret club," it was priceless.

 
At 20 January, 2008, Blogger Subliminal CDs said...

I felt that your post was highly enlightening. It brought up some key areas that I've discussed on http://www.chargedaudio.com

 
At 25 January, 2008, Blogger Starchy said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OMG Sorry I'm so late responding to this post! Yup, Tom Cruise has gone off the deep end of the Teepiehooten or whatever it was called planet.

I hate him for taking Katie Holmes with him, too! PACEY! HELP!

 

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