Gallimaufry

(noun: A hodgepodge or jumble.)

My parents live in central Florida, which is about 45 minutes from where Hoop and I live. Somewhere in between the two, at about the 30 minute mark, the weather pattern changes entirely. It's like the difference between the Sahara and the Tropics. Last month, the waterway beside our neighborhood flooded. Meanwhile, the lakes in my parents' town were dwindling away to puddles. If Hoop doesn't mow for two weeks, the weeds in our yard begin to devour our house. My parent's struggle to grow anything besides dirt. You would think we'd all be used to these differences.

Saturday morning, Mom called to tell me that they were leaving for the zoo. "So you're going to meet us there, right?" I stared at the downpour outside. "Um. I hate to break it to you, but I don't think we're going to the zoo today." She told me not to be silly; it was sunny outside. "Oh-kay." Then I got ready to go to the movies. Thirty minutes later, I received a phone call. "It's pouring!" Mom wailed into the phone. "Would it be OK if we went to the movies instead?" "Sure!" I told her before reading off the movie times I'd pulled from the computer 30 minutes before.

We went to see "Ghost Town". I can describe the movie in one word. SLOW. I would have rather watched two snails wrestling. The story is about an unlikeable dentist who goes in for rectal surgery, dies, is revived, and then starts seeing dead people. Only, these dead people want things from him. The rest of the movie is one long, boring boy-tries-to-get-girl subplot that isn't even interesting. Just when you think you might fall asleep, they throw something funny in, bait enough to keep you watching (and hoping). Skip this one altogether. Hoop and I gave it one out of five sporks.

Sunday evening, Hoop and I went to visit his Mom. As I mentioned two posts ago, the soon-to-be-MIL still hadn't gotten us the addresses of the people she wanted to invite. I'd long ago decided not to care about it, seeing as I'd already sent out the other invitations and was busy rounding up RSVPs already. But Hoop couldn't let it go. "Have you got the addresses yet?" He badgered her on Sunday. Then she did something I will never forget. She handed him a phonebook and huffed, "Well, they're listed in the yellow pages." Then, to my utter shock and disbelief, Hoop did something equally absurd...

...he handed ME the phonebook.

Un-fucking-real. I handed the book right back to him, of course. Apparently, they have both lost their fucking minds. My new name for Hoop's Mom is MILzilla. My new name for Hoop is Stupid. On top of that, Hoop's Dad keeps telling me our wedding website is down. Granted, the man has never tried to access the site himself. No, he's taking the word of some computer-illiterate friend. Despite my assurances and telling him how many people HAVE accessed the site, he doesn't believe me. Ugh. I'm done. I'll be drinking in the corner until this is all through. Let me know when I need to walk down the aisle, OK?

So, what fun and exciting things did you do this weekend?

Movie Junkies

The Dark Knight
I'm not sure this was the right time for Hoop and I to see this movie. Although it was brilliantly filmed and written, it was DARK. Think "The Crow" dark. But don't let that stop you from seeing it. I guarantee it will have you cringing, gasping, laughing, and wanting to quote it later. "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." Hoop and I gave this movie four out of five sporks.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
The movie was entertaining. I don't feel like we wasted our money; but I don't think we'll be buying it on DVD either. The plot was loose at best, and downright unengaging at its worst. What saved the film was the excellent effects and eye candy. Those golden robots were bad ass. On a separate note, did anyone else think the voice of Abe Sapien sounded like David Pierce from "Frasier"? Yeah, um, me neither. Hoop and I gave this movie three out of five sporks.

Hancock
A lot of people have complained that the storyline of this movie wasn't what they thought it would be. Oh wah. Personally, I like the little twist they threw in. I like that's it not just another superhero movie. I'm telling you this because it's NOT a spoiler. It's a suggestion. If you leave your expectations behind, you're going to enjoy this movie just fine. Oof a rhyme. Hoop and I gave this movie three out of five sporks.

Wall-E
Let me just start by saying that I'm bias. I heart Wall-E in a big way. I liked him even before I saw the movie. I do impressions of his voice. I almost bought a pack of Wall-E stickers yesterday because I'm a 25 year old kid. I gave this movie five out of five sporks. Hoop, on the other hand, only gave it three out of five. He DID like the way they portrayed humans though. I heard him chuckle more than a few times. So maybe we should change his vote to four. Three and a half?

Get Smart
Hoop doesn't technically know that I saw this movie. He thought my Mom and I were going to see "Sex In The City". But we got there late and this movie had the next showing. I didn't exactly complain. I'd really wanted to see this one anyway. I grew up on "Get Smart" reruns. I was not disappointed. Steve Carell plays an excellent Maxwell Smart. I like that he added his own edge to the character and that Max wasn't as dumb as he'd been on the TV series. Anne Hathaway was hot. The age difference between the two wasn't as creepy as I thought it would be. Overall, it was a really cute and funny movie. Go see it with a date. Four out of five sporks.

P.S. Tune in tomorrow for the anniversary of the day Hoop discovered this blog!

He's Alive!

Just for the record, Hoop did not actually eat something called the fatal potato berry. He is still very much alive. But thanks for your concern...

You dopes.

Weekend Recap:
1. Sunday and I had a date. It was going to be wonderful. The weather was in the high 70's and nothing had to be done around the house. We had big plans of spending our time together at the park.
2. Poor Sunday. She should know by now that I have really shitty luck.
3. As I was getting ready to take my brother back home (he'd spent the night Saturday), Hoop and I got into a nasty fight.
4. I said some things I don't quite regret and Hoop responded by giving me the stank-eye.
5. So I set off on my own, dreams of all the great adventures I was going to have (ALONE) dancing through my head.
6. Then I ran over a three inch deck screw on the way back from Big Bit's house.
7. Not willing to call mercy, I decided to fix the problem on my own. Armed with a gigantic blue beach towel, a screwdriver, and a can of Fix-A-Flat I went to work.
8. Three strapping men asked if I needed help. I denied them all.
9. I am woman, hear me scream profanity.
10. After twenty minutes of yanking on the damn thing, I finally realized that it would screw out of the tire fairly easily. Imagine that.
11. Once the screw was out, the air poured from the tire uninhibited. It was completely flat before I could even get the lid off the can.
12. It was after I was done, and the tire was still flat, that I decided to call Papa Bear for help.
13. Then I tried to clean up my mess. Unfortunately, the tire had flattened ON the gigantic towel. It looked like a cape. Like maybe my car had fallen on some hapless superhero.
14. This made more than one rubbernecker laugh. Pictures to come.
15. After the tire was fixed, I skipped plans to go to the park and grudgingly made my way home instead.
16. Maybe it's just as well. I might have gotten mauled by a rabid squirrel or something.

Movie Reviews:

Doomsday
Think Mad Max meets Saw. The premise of the movie was interesting. Because it dealt with the future and a deadly virus, I wanted to love it. But somewhere they lost me. Maybe it was with the rebels who didn't have enough food to keep from turning into cannibals, but had enough hair dye to last twenty-five years. If you DO see the movie, please tell me why they didn't just eat that huge herd of wild cows? Overall, the movie was entertaining. I wouldn't buy it, or watch it again. But if nothing else, it was worth the bashing that followed. I mean seriously, how likely is it that a car sitting in a cave twenty-five years is going to run without a problem? Hoop and I gave this flick two and a half sporks out of five.

No Country For Old Men
Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) may be the creepiest and most realistic bad guy I've ever seen on film. His performance was award winning. I cracked open a book at the beginning of the movie, not expecting to be that interested. The book sat in my lap for thirty minutes before I remembered it was there and put it down. For those who like a good mix of suspense, horror and good dialogue, check this movie out. Hoop and I gave it five out of five sporks.

Slow Zombies

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(Friday)
Tink: I had a dream that we committed a crime and were on the run.
Hoop: Oh yeah? What did we do?
Tink: I don't know. The dream started after we did it.
Hoop: Well, that kind of takes the fun out of it.
Tink: I know! So then we beat this random chick up so I'd feel better.
Hoop: Smooth.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Saturday)
Tink: I had a dream that everyone was turning into zombies.
Hoop: That sucks.
Tink: Yeah, but they were slow zombies. So I just walked around them.
Hoop: Was I a zombie?
Tink: Uh huh. Then you ran off to find some food because I was immune from the zombie virus and you couldn't kill me.
Hoop: Mmmm. Brains.
Tink: And Duff (our dog) was a zombie too. Then I went to a wedding and the couple turned into zombies just as they were saying "I do". It was really sad.
Hoop: Sounds like it.
Tink: But then a priest stopped me on the way out of the chapel and gave me some green hacky sacks. He said, "Here my child. These will help you." But there were only five, so I had to use them wisely.
Hoop: Hacky sacks?
Tink: They only LOOKED like hacky sacks. If you threw them on the ground and stomped on them, they released a zombie anti-virus.
Hoop: Oh.
Tink: I tried to be slick and break one in-between the newly married couple, hoping it would cure them both. But it only cured them for a few minutes. So then I cured Duff and we went looking for you.
Hoop: Good plan.
Tink: I know.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Do yourself a favor and throw away your money right now. This movie was so horrible, Hoop and I stopped watching it 9/10ths of the way through. We couldn't even stand to stick around for the last ten minutes of the movie. At least twenty minutes of the film was taken up with Brad Pitt staring off into space, or at someone, who was likewise staring off into space. More than once I screamed at the screen, "DO SOMETHING!" Movies should not be this painful to watch. The real shame of it was that I insisted on buying this hunk of junk because I was sure it was going to be a keeper. Hoop and I gave this movie zero out of five sporks.

Jumper
One word, HOT. Hot actors, hot action, hot superpower. Sign me up for a sequel! After a sad run of reject-movies, Hoop and I were glad to find something with a little more "oomph" in it. The movie goes quick and the special effects keep you hooked. There is definitely some charisma between Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson. Although I wouldn't call this the blockbuster of the year, it's definitely worth the price of admission. Hoop and I give this flick four out of five sporks.

WWC tomorrow!

Uber-Post

Not Far From The Tree:
Lil Bit's Friend: There are these people that crap in bottles-
Mom: They do what?
Tink: That would be tricky to manuever.
LBF: -and they let it ferment-
Lil Bit: Ewww!
LBF: -than they huff it to get high.
Mom: I don't believe you.
LBF: It's true!
Mom: Uh huh.
LBF: They call it Butt Hash.

Weekend Recap:
1. Hoop arrived home at 1:30 this morning...
2. ...and got up at 6:30 to get ready for work.
3. Despite the lack of sleep, he was UP *cough* and ready to go this morning.
4. Unfortunately, I was not.
5. After waiting until midnight last night for him, and waking every thirty minutes after because I thought I heard a key in the door, I was zombified from the time my alarm blared this morning until lunch.
6. When I say I'm not a morning person, I mean the ENTIRE morning.
7. Spending the weekend with my family was nice. Saturday night, Papa Bear was on call for his job and my brothers were spending the night at friends'. So Mom and I went to see "The Spiderwick Chronicles."

MOVIE REVIEW: It was after a rather unpromising start that I turned to Mom and said, "You know, we could have watched ANYTHING." Leave it to us to pick a kid's movie the one night we're kid-free. Fortunately, the movie got better as it went along, a lot better. The story didn't feel at all rushed, which is the plight of so many book-to-movie conversions (think Harry Potter and The Golden Compass). The computer animation was stunning. The acting was believable, and the tale itself was truly captivating. I can't wait to read the books. Mom and I gave this movie five out of five sporks.

8. Sunday morning Mom, Lil Bit, Lil Bit's friend Chance, and I went shopping. The boys, both 13/14 years old, amused us with their pessimistic teenage views and abuse of the words "uber" and "super".
9. At one point I told Chance I was going to hurt him if he said uber one more time. He told me I was uber-scary.
10. Later that night, on the way home, I had to pull over the car to wrestle a cupcake from my dog.
11. Apparently he likes them as much as I do.
12. Of course Hoop had to call at that precise moment.
13. As he passed the phone around to various family members, I tried to act interested while simultaneously playing tug-o-war with a Rat Terrier and a cupcake plate.
14. I'm pretty sure I accidentally told Nash he was a "bad dog".
15. The happy ending is, my cupcakes were saved, Hoop is home, and another Monday is almost done. Yay!

How was your weekend?

Creeping Crud

There are many things I didn't hear until I came to the South, the sonic boom of a NASA spacecraft being one of them. I really thought the world was ending that day. It wasn't very nice of the bus driver to laugh. On the list are also the terms "fixin' ta" and "wannago", as in "I'm fixin' ta go to the store. Wannago?" There's also the classic "ya'll", not to be outdone by its plural version "ya'lls". Ever tried to explain to a redneck that "ya'll" doesn't need a plural because it's ALREADY one? I'd rather cut off my thumbs than have that conversation again.

Oh, and let's not forget "brung" and "conversate". I don't care if they're in the online dictionary, they're not real words! Southerners also get creative with cussing alternatives. Instead of Jesus Christ it's "Jiminy Cricket" or "cheese and rice". Instead of son-of-a-bitch it's "son-of-a-biscuit-eater". Any festival is a "rodeo". Trucks are "bubbas" and hunting season is a holiday. Boots can be dress shoes and antlers make awesome hood ornaments. Camouflage goes with everything, although I'm not sure who in the mall they're hiding from. I got used to it.

Then they start pulling this shit on me:

Coworker: Ugh.
Tink: Are you OK?
Coworker: No, I have the creepy crap.
Tink: The creepy-what?
Coworker 2: He means the creeping crud.
Tink: Creeping crud.
Coworker: Naw, that's what I had last week.
Tink: So the creeping crud turns into the creepy crap?
Coworker: Exactly!
Tink: Just stay away from me.

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night, Hoop and I stayed up until 2am watching "3:10 To Yuma". I was pushing for 3:10, but I just couldn't hang that long.
2. Movie Review: For someone who isn't big into westerns, I was expecting a lot from this movie. Everyone kept saying that this would be the film that converted me. Well, it didn't. Although I liked Crowe's performance, I thought the movie as a whole pretty boring. There was just enough action to keep me from falling asleep. The only satisfying part was at the end, and even then the foreshadowing ruined it from being a surprise. Overall, Hoop and I rate this movie three out of five sporks.
3. Saturday afternoon Hoop and I went and checked out a potential wedding/reception location.
4. We liked the place instantly. The building is designed to look like an old Victorian mansion. The banquet room we'd be using overlooks a courtyard and has multiple skylights.
5. The best feature of all though was the price. $350 for four hours! Included in the cost are all the linens, plates, and clean-up fees. Cha-ching!
6. The one drawback was the actual ceremony locations. One faced a swimming pool and the other was situated on a tiny slab of concrete facing another banquet hall. Hm.
7. So we're going to try and check out some more possibilities this week before making up our mind. Cross your fingers nothing books for the weekend we've picked out.
8. Have I mentioned how good I am with this stuff? No? Well that's because I'm NOT. If we were rich I'd hire someone to do this for me. Like dude, just tell me where to be and what time.
9. All day Sunday, Hoop and I cleaned the house. I don't think our place has EVER been so neat. The reason behind our madness was because Hoop's boss was coming over to watch the game.
10. Everything went great. There was plenty of food, the boss was impressed with our digs, the team we were cheering for won, and I got smashingly drunk.
11. Even drunk, I made sure I cleaned up all the mess before going to bed. "Now that the house is clean, I'm never going to let it get dirty again!" I thought stupidly.
12. Then I woke up this morning and found dirty plates stashed under the coffee table.
13. Under the coffee table! I live with a pig. Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Hoop's apartment and cleaned?
13. I knew him all of two weeks.
14. It was THAT bad.
15. Although if you ask Hoop, he'd say it's because I'm THAT anal.

Blue Monday

According to experts, today is the most depressing day of the year. Chock it up to Christmas bills, nasty weather, failed resolutions, and low motivation. So make sure you do something nice for yourself today. The good news is, it shouldn't get any worse from here... *in bed.

*"In bed" is what my family adds to the end of sentences, namely fortune cookies and horoscopes, to make them more interesting. But we've also been known to use them to make light of potentially jinxing words. I'd hate for my "famous last words" to be something about life getting better and than I get hit by a manure truck or something. How shitty. Literally.

MOVIE REVIEWS

Cloverfield:
Godzilla, only a million times better. I was a bit nervous going into this movie due to all the signs warning of possible motion sickness. The film was recorded using hand cameras so it would feel more realistic, and I've been known to get dizzy watching these kinds of films. Fortunately, despite the neck-aching angles, the movie itself was so captivating that I never once felt like leaving. In fact, the people around us were actually sitting on the edge of their seats. More than once I turned to Hoop and exclaimed, "I can't believe how cool this is!" The guys at Bad Robot, also the producers of Lost, are absolutely genius. There are those who criticize this movie as being a "9/11 Thrill Ride". To them I say, pffft. You wouldn't know a good film if it came out of the water and bit your head off. Hoop and I give this movie five out of five sporks.

Golden Compass:
After reading the book and seeing the movie, I'm STILL not sure what the hype was all about. As far as fantasies go, this story rates about average at best. All the characters seem a bit unlikeable and the mysteries, even when finally unraveled, are confusing and sloppily connected. The graphics in the movie were magnificent, but the action was slow and the ending cut off without any solid conclusion. The biggest issue I had with this film though was that it advertised as if it were a family movie. It wasn't. In one scene an animal gets its jaw knocked clean off. The children behind me promptly burst into tears as one man in the back shouted, "What the fuck?!" Overall, Hoop and I give this movie two out of five sporks.

Movies On The Horizon!
Iron Man - May 2nd
Speed Racer - May 9th
Chronicles Of Narnia (Prince Caspian) - May 16th
Indiana Jones (Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull) - May 22nd
Incredible Hulk - June 13th
Hellboy 2 - July 11th
Mummy (Tomb Of The Dragon) - August 1st
Punisher (War Zone) - September 12th
Where The Wild Things Are - October 3rd
City Of Ember - October 10th
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - November 21st
Halo - Late 2008
Smurfs - Late 2008
Terminator 4 - Late 2008

Oral Flatulence

(Also known as a raspberry, a ferbert, or simply "thpbt".)

MOVIE REVIEWS:
Hoop and I took my brothers to see "I Am Legend" this weekend. I wanted to walk out halfway through the film. I wasn't alone. "Can we go now?" Big Bit asked repeatedly. If it hadn't been for Will Smith's stellar performance, we probably would have. I haven't been this pissed off over a movie since "The Fog", which just so happened to be the first movie Hoop and I ever saw together. The computer animation was horrible. The infected animals and people were completely unrealistic looking. The plot, when it wasn't predictable, was pointless. The entire movie was one big, cheap emotional ploy. Everything you could possibly care about in this movie is taken away by the end of the film. EVERYTHING. I give this movie zero out of five sporks.

Last night for the hell of it, Hoop and I bought "The Darwin Awards". And while it wasn't blockbuster material by any means, it did have its amusing moments. Winnona Ryder plays an insurance claims investigator paired up with Joseph Fiennes, a former forensic detective with Hemaphobia (fear of blood). Together the two set out to investigate claims that at first appear normal, but all turn out to be accidents caused by VERY stupid behavior. My favorite involves a man who ties a rocket to his car. You almost feel sorry for the guy after finding out his reasons for such an idiotic stunt. The film quality is so-so and the narration was poorly done, but the plot is interesting enough to keep you watching. Hoop and I give this movie two out of five sporks.

(Speaking of Darwin Awards, have you checked out their site?)

Quickie Weekend Recap:
Saturday, my brothers and I braved the mall to complete our Christmas shopping. The biggest adventure of the day was when I bought Hoop's present, only to find a better version at the other end of the mall an hour later. I had been phoning the second store for two weeks to see if they'd gotten any of said item in. They told me they hadn't. So finally, in a fit of desperation, I settled on something else. As we were leaving, Little Bit convinced us to visit the store anyway. "You never know," he said. I felt I did, but I asked about the item anyway. "We have ONE left," the salesman said. I blinked and sputtered for a minute before asking if he could hold it. He said he couldn't.

"What should I do?" I asked Big Bit. "Run," he said. So the three of us ran back to the other end of the mall and returned my prior purchase. "What if it's not there when we get back," Lil Bit yelled over the noise of the crowd as we ran back. I threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't shut up. When we arrived back at the store, not even thirty minutes later, the salesman was waiting in front of the item. No one had bought it yet. "I'd... Like... To... Buy." I wheezed. And so it was, Christmas was saved. Although I can't tell you what the item is, not even a little hint, would you care to take some guesses? Got a Christmas shopping story to tell? Have you bought a gift for someone that you're particularly proud of?

Don't forget, the WWC words for tomorrow are LIFE and WHITE.

You No Like This Post?

Weekend Recap:
1. My new favorite phrase is, "You no like-?"
2. You can blame Middlesex...
3. ...and the fact that I love annoying my annoying coworkers.
4. "You no like this pen? WHY? What did pen ever do to you?"
5. The book is about Greek incest, of all things. It's totally screwing with my head.
6. In other news, the weekend went smashingly well.
7. We had friends spend the night on Saturday!
8. I don't know what I'm more excited about: the fact that we have friends, or the fact that someone came over that wasn't there to fix or appraise something.
9. The day started off at a Kahlua party.
10. I was the youngest guest there, followed by a 39 year old. The rest were old enough to be my Grandmother.
11. The conversation was low-key until the women switched from coffee and Kahlua to Mimosas. Then the topic switched from books and movies to man-bashing and drugs.
12. One woman recounted how her husband had convinced her a pressure gage was really a breathalyzer and made her breathe into it before he let her get behind the wheel.
13. It took her a year to discover the truth.
14. Later that night, after Hoop and our friends (another couple) had downed a few free beers at home, we made our way to a local pizzeria where a one-man-band was set to perform.
15. This guy, Nate Holley, uses a sophisticated method of looping sound to make it appear that he's a band. The music is AMAZING.
16. Which is a good thing, because the service at this place was horrible. I was sober by the time he stopped playing.
17. Our waitress wasn't though. I caught her doing shots in the back with another patron. It was probably the shot I'd been waiting on for the last hour.
18. Sunday morning Hoop and I did nothing.
19. We pretty much did nothing until five o'clock, when we decided maybe we should do nothing at the movie theater.

MOVIE REVIEW: Beowulf (IN 3D)
Classic mythology meets CGI. This is NOT a cartoon for the kiddies. Bloody and brutal with plenty of eye-candy for both sexes. If you dig that sort of thing. It wasn't quite a romance, not quite a hero's tale, but it packed plenty of action and a moral at the end. The 3D version we paid four dollars extra to see definitely added a unique quality to the whole movie experience. Overall, Hoop and I gave this flick three out of five sporks.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I'd like to get fake nails before the wedding. I used to get them done. They looked really good.
Hoop: I remember. You had fake nails when I first met you. Not that I'm saying you looked better before, but why did you stop?
Tink: They just seemed sort of... high maintenance.
Hoop: What's wrong with that?
Tink: Well- No, you're going to laugh.
Hoop: What? Tell me.
Tink: Oh-kay. Before I get something like that done I always think, but what if I get picked for Survivor?
Hoop: You don't even watch Survivor!
Tink: I know! But what if we get stranded on an island or something? What if your Dad wants to take us on a surprise nature adventure for a month? How stupid am I going to look with fake nails?
Hoop: Babe, if that ever happens, I vow to help you remove your nails before anyone notices. OK?
Tink: OK.
Hoop: But I would like to note that this is almost as ridiculous as driving around a huge gas guzzler on the CHANCE that you might have something to haul eventually.

Coffee IV Please

It's Monday.

Need I say more?

Here, have some movie reviews.

30 Days Of Night-
The problem with Horror/Gorror movies is that the characters in them continuously do things that put them in harm's way. If they didn't, there wouldn't be a movie. But watching the characters make stupid decision after stupid decision can wear on a viewer. I heard Hoop mumble "idiots" at least five times during this flick. I'll admit, the plot was somewhat predictable. But the blood and creep factor was a work of art. The writers took Vampirism to an all new level. Not for the young or the squeamish, I recommend this movie to scary movie buffs of all kinds. Hoop and I gave this movie three out of five sporks.

American Gangster-
I'm a sucker for true stories from another era. This one was interesting enough that I looked up more information on it once I got home. "American Gangster" takes place in the 1970's, back when Frank Lucas was the heroin kingpin of Harlem. The movie follows his career, from the death of his boss "Bumpy" Johnson, to the end of the Vietnam War when his business came crashing down. From what I've read in interviews with Frank Lucas, this story is as real as it gets. As with the character in the movie, the real Mr. Lucas doesn't have any remorse for his actions. Rather, he seems proud of them. Hoop and I gave this movie four out of five sporks.

The Creature-
What could go wrong with a military experiment to splice together a dolphin and a great white shark? Pfft. Everything! I'm a huge fan of hokey scary movies. But this one was painfully stupid. The monster was a shark/dolphin with legs, arms, and claws that could swim in water AND walk on land. When they weren't showing it pop up through house floors, it was hanging from a tree or rigging traps underwater for underwater fishermen. I give this movie zero out of five sporks.

Open Forum:
I know I haven't been the most diligent about answering comments lately. Rest assured, I read and enjoy them all. There's a lot going on behind the scenes at PB. Both Hoop and I are gearing up for job changes and hopefully I'll be going back to school starting Spring semester. YAY! Between the house, tossing around wedding ideas, and entertaining family from both sides, Hoop and I are pooped. So on Wednesday I'll be having an open forum. You all are free to ask whatever your hearts desire and I guarantee I will respond to your questions on Thursday's post. And so we can get it out of the way now...

Hoop wears boxers, not briefs. Sorry if that was your question.

WWC tomorrow!

Is It My Birfday?

I stepped out of the shower this morning to a fresh cup of coffee.

Please, let me just bask in that feeling for a moment...

Then, as I was combing my hair, Hoop opened the bathroom door to ask, "Do you wear these panties to work?" "Not usually. Why?" "No reason." Then he was gone again. "Are they too risque?!" I yelled through the wall. He didn't reply, leaving me to wonder over the state of my underwear if Hoop felt the need to step in and intervene. When I came out, there was a complete wardrobe laid out for me. Socks. Pants. Shirt. Panties. Bra.

It looked like a person had melted and left behind their clothes.

"You're so sweet!" I said to Hoop, covering his shoulders in kisses. "What?" He asked innocently. As if to say, "I didn't do anything out of the ordinary." "Now go get dressed before you're late again!" I have a problem with mornings. I don't like them. Even when I'm getting ready for something fun, and not work, I'm going to be late. It's just how I am. And when someone gives me a hard time about it, like my boss, it puts me in a really foul mood.

As I strolled into the office, I noticed a strange lump on my desk. A strange lump that smelled like a ham and egg croissant with a side of iced cinnamon rolls! "I thought you might need a pick-me-up after the meeting last night," the receptionist said. I ran over to hug her and profess my love for all things ham and egg. "You are a saint!" The meeting last night went on until 7. Two hours of my boss droning on and on about shit NO ONE cares about. Especially me, the chick who had to look at said shit for two days while putting it into slide format.

The real kicker of the night wasn't my raging cigarette craving or the hour commute back home, but rather when my boss congratulated the graphics girl for a job well done. We're talking about a person who strolls into work at 10 wearing a skimpy beach dress and flip flops, only to stay two hours before proclaiming, "I'm tired!" and going home. Me, bitter? No way. OK, maybe a little. But I refuse to stoop to her level. Telling the boss "I love you" every day is fucking weird.

Back to today. I hope this good luck and charity thing continues. I could use the break. I'm meeting my Mom for dinner tonight in what could very well be the guilt trip session of the century. I have no idea what I did. But I'm assuming the worst since she picked a crowded location where I can't make a scene. She hasn't answered my calls for three days and well, it feels like that time of year again. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, you'll know my luck didn't continue. In which case Jay and Newt get joint custody of the blog...

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I'm going to take a power nap so I can study later.
Tink: OK.
Hoop: Wake me up at 9:30.
(An hour later)
Tink: Bay-be.
Hoop: Wha?
Tink: You told me to wake you up at 9:30.
Hoop: *Mumbles* OK.
(30 minutes later as I'm changing for bed)
Tink: Bay-be.
Hoop: Wha?
Tink: It's 10 o'clock. I tried to wake you up at 9:30.
Hoop: And you did.
Tink: Then why are you still sleeping?
Hoop: Because every time I wake up you have less clothes on.

MOVIE REVIEWS

Eastern Promises-
This BBC film stars Viggo Mortensen (Hidalgo/The Lord Of The Rings), who plays a Russian gangster tied to one of London's most notorious crime families. The plot of the movie revolves around a midwife who stumbles across one of the family's dirtiest secrets when a mysterious girl delivers a baby and then dies. We didn't realize until the movie started that this isn't an American film. I'm so glad that it wasn't! America would have completely ruined this sensational story with special effects and romantic twists. There are a lot of realistic scenes involving murder and dead bodies, so it's not for the faint of heart. One of the most remarkable parts of the movie involved Viggo/Nikolai fighting completely nude. America rarely shows nudity, and when they do it's usually for erotic reasons. I can assure you, there was nothing sexual about this. Overall, Hoop and I thought this movie was extremely well done and realistic feeling. We gave it five out of five sporks.

The Secret Of Roan Inish-
Another non-American film. This one is an Irish Fairy Tale. In order to truly enjoy this movie you must suspend belief for awhile. The actors in this are AMAZING. Especially Jeni Courtney, the little girl who plays Fiona. The story takes place in Ireland (obviously), after a group of people have moved off a secluded island in pursuit of an easier life inland. During the move, a small baby is lost at sea. Fiona, the baby's sister, takes it upon herself to find him, four years later. Although not something I would buy, it was a perfect low-key movie for the night. Even Hoop enjoyed himself. We gave it three out of five sporks.

P.S. To answer everyone's question yesterday, I did not carve the pumpkins. But I wish I had. Because they're too cool to have been done by rednecks. Also, I didn't get another dog. Zoe is one of my Mom's pups, and Jazzi's daughter. She is cute though, huh?

Tinkzilla Vs. The Candy Lego Robot

Tinkzilla wins.

Picture made possible by the wonderful and talented Nettie. Thanks for sending the care package! You completely made my week.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I got you something.
Tink: You did?
Hoop: Uh huh.
Tink: What is it?
Hoop: A package from "The Shoe Whore." (Nettie)
Tink: Aw- Hey!

Movie Review
The Invasion - I had high hopes for this movie. In an era of gorror films, horror-suspense is hard to find. The cast looked good. The theme was a classic. So how did they screw it up? Halfway through the movie I realized I didn't care about ANY of the characters, including Carol Bennell's adorable little boy, Oliver. If anything, Hoop and I started to root for the aliens. They seemed way cooler and more civilized than the humans. Peace on earth? Awesome! Telepathy? Sign me up! Hoop and I give this movie one out of five sporks.

Behind Closed Eyes (Dream):
I decided to attend a roofing class so Hoop and I could save a little money by repairing our roof ourselves. Only, the "class" turned out to be a three day seminar for already established roofers. I tried to blend in, but they singled me out on the first day. The biggest insult was when no one would pick me for the Timed Shingle Relay Race.

The Red Carpet

(NOT JUST A DIRTY PORN TITLE)

And the awards go to...


Mitchgib
Nettie
*******************************************


Corky
Scottsdale Girl
*******************************************


Orhan Kahn
Mamalujo
*******************************************


Peggy
Geenalyn
*******************************************

MOVIE REVIEWS

The Simpsons Movie:
I've anticipated a Simpsons movie ever since I was a kid. Now that they've finally made one, I don't really care anymore. They waited too long. "I think this is the end of an era," Hoop said as we left the theater. That's what it felt like too, the end. Not that I was expecting a huge blockbuster or anything, come on it's the SIMPSONS, but I expected something more than what was delivered. It felt like a really long and somewhat dull episode. Hoop and I agree, they should have left it on the TV. Two out of five sporks.

Bourne Ultimatum
There aren't any surprises here. Jason Bourne is pissed and he's out to get information. True to Bourne form, the movie was filled with good stunts and tricky situations. The end tied up loose strings and we all left the theater satisfied. The only problem I had with this movie was the filming. Like in "Ocean's Twelve", they didn't seem to use a stand for the camera. The shots were jerky/shaky. At one point the main characters stopped moving and the camera kept doing circles around their faces. Blech. Motion sickness.Three out of five sporks.

Stardust Beautiful. Funny. Clever. "The Princess Bride" of the new age. Its only flaw is that I didn't write it. I was sceptical when I heard that Robert De Niro was playing a pirate. Then again, my opinion might have been colored by Johnny Depp, the man who makes criminals look good. But I'm telling you now, NO ONE could have played the part better. Five out of five sporks.

Rush Hour 3
The best part of the movie were the bloopers during the end credits. For that alone I might recommend seeing this movie. Otherwise, don't waste your money at the theater. Like the other two, Rush Hour 3 is completely unrealistic and filled with corny jokes and slapstick fight scenes. Only, unlike the first two, we've seen these bits already. Overplayed and under-funny. One out of five sporks.

The Lost Room
Hoop and I picked up this Sci-Fi mini-movie series for $5. We had no idea what it was about. I chose it based on the cover alone. After watching it, I would definitely place it on my top five "great finds" list. The plot revolves around a hotel room and what happened to it one night in 1961. The room disappeared, it's objects scattered throughout the world. But those who have the key can still unlock it. What happens when a man's daughter goes into the room and disappears? Will the objects help him find her, or further enmesh him in the mystery of the room? Five out of five sporks.

Stranger Than Fiction
I know this one came out awhile ago, but Hoop and I just got around to seeing it. I'm not a big Will Farrell fan. I thought he killed his career with "Zoolander." But then "Elf" came out and I was proven wrong. Apparently someone DOES want to pay him for crap. But this movie surprised me. Not only was it really really well written and directed, but I didn't want to hurt him once the entire time! It's a movie I could watch more than once, which is saying a lot for me. Hoop and I gave it five out of five sporks.