Monday, December 31, 2007

Be Careful Where You Screw

Jesus might get mad at you.

Last New Year Hoop and I got busy in a church yard, and then our year sucked.


This year Hoop and I are being dragged down town to celebrate New Year's with his Dad, his Dad's girlfriend, and Nash, the party-friendly singleton. I would rather snuggle up on the couch with a bottle of rum and no clothes on. But if I did that, I would be snuggling alone. So instead I'm driving home after work just to turn around and drive the hour back. Then Hoop and I are going to try and stay sober so we can make the hour long trek back home at one. I want to scream. Can I scream now? Do you think they'd fire me for wasting company time by having a mental breakdown?

I will not be sorry to see 2007 go. Unless, that is, 2008 turns out to be worse. Between the house buying, house renovating, quitting smoking, buying a new car for Hoop, wrecking the car a month later, getting engaged, AG dying, and having several horrific meltdowns along the way... I'm EXHAUSTED! It would make sense for my New Year's resolution to be to relax more. But I'm anti-resolution. Too much pressure! Why promise ourselves things that aren't going to happen? So this year I've decided to set my goals really low. That way I won't be too disappointed.

1. Don't die. (Well die eventually, just not this year.)
2. Don't kill anyone. (Unless they're really asking for it.)
3. Keep your sanity. (I will guard this last marble with my life.)
4. Walk more. (Instead of scooting across the office in your chair yelling, "Beep-Beep!")
5. Buy new clothes. (Well if you insist.)
6. Take up a new dirty habit to replace smoking. (Like gardening... Or crack.)
7. Create a new slang word and see if it sticks. ("Yo Blo." BLO: the shorthand of Blogger. Also referred to as a Homebloy.)
8. Spread some love through the Blogosphere. (Next month, Spork Awards!)

Don't forget, the
WWC words for this week are Brown and Pattern. Because of the holiday, the pictures won't be due until WEDNESDAY.

Happy New YEAR!


Friday, December 28, 2007

Where one ramble leads to another...

"Come over tomorrow night and help us unload the air hockey table," I told Nash on Wednesday. "Then we'll drink beer and play a few rounds." So he passed the word to Bob, who gladly agreed to come. Both arrived on time, unaware that the table had to be ASSEMBLED too. "What the fuck?" Nash said after spying the box of over two hundred screws. "This is going to take all night!" And it did. The boys were still piecing together the legs when I fell asleep at eleven. I woke up an hour later to Hoop shaking me. "It's done, baby!" He hissed in my ear. So I shuffled out to the garage, kicked their asses in a couple games, and went to bed.

To be fair, Bob was behaving as if he'd never played air hockey before, swinging his pusher around like a gorilla with a broken arm. The dogs were so freaked out by his antics that they attacked him. Jazzi, the dog who loves everyone, actually seemed to be enjoying mauling his shoe. I guess even dogs have breaking points. Bob's a cool guy to hang out with... If you're human. He'll do anything you dare him to do. ANYTHING. The boy seems to live solely for the purpose of entertaining us. We have to reign ourselves in from daring him to do things that might get us in trouble. Because once you start Bob, there's no turning him off.

The truly odd thing about Bob is that he's all impulse and no thought. He lies for no reason at all. He'll say he's drunk when he's not. He'll bail because he "just got a call," when it's obvious that his phone hasn't rang all night. You'll call him for days only to have him tell you that his phone just got cut off. "Then how am I talking to you now?" You'll say. Then he'll sputter and exclaim, "Well look at that!" Nash met Bob when they were just old enough to have jobs. Bob was sleeping in a maintenance closet. They were both fired a few months later. The next job they got together was at the movie theater. The night they started was the night I quit.

The whole crew quit that night, actually. Corporate had sent a mole to scout out our operation. Apparently our drug dealing manager was not to their liking. WE loved her just fine though. In between sets she would meet us out back with a joint and a bucket of popcorn. Bob had just walked into the back room to clock in. "Good luck tonight," I told him as I peeled off my company-issue shirt and vest. I tossed it to him, standing there in nothing more than my bra and black pants. "Where are you going?" He asked us. I slipped a t-shirt on. "We're out of here, man. They just fired Donna."

Nash was working the ticket counter when we left. Little did I know I'd be engaged to his brother seven years later. We came back that night with free ticket passes. "How's it going?" We giggled to the only two guys on staff. Nash just glared at us. Later that night my friend T, also a former movie theater employee, tried to steal the "Bedazzled" poster for me. I'd had it earmarked for my Mom, an avid Brendan Fraser fan. I was supposed to be lookout. Unfortunately for T, the mole had locked up the cases. After a bit of struggle, the frame broke under her prying fingers, sending the hard plastic cover crashing to the ground. I looked back to see T fleeing, the poster waving behind her like a flag.

I've always kept odd company. It's not intentional... To my knowledge. One of my current friends, also a coworker, is a 31 year old spinster. Not my label. Hers. You'd think a woman's ovaries dry up at thirty, listening to her. For the last four years her mission has been to land herself a husband. I feel bad for all the men that make a pit stop in her bed. This newest love, she's been dating him for two months, barely made it through Christmas alive. He bought her a new washer and dryer, a new flat screen TV, and an alarm system for the trailer she's renting. Still... She was convinced he was getting her an engagement ring. "There's a jewelry box under the tree!" She insisted repeatedly.

Christmas Eve she told me, "If it's not a ring, I'm going to be SO mad." "Do you hear yourself?" I asked her. "You're fucking crazy." She sent me a text on Monday night. "It was a frog paperweight." I couldn't stop laughing. I literally had to pull off the road for a moment. "Poor girl," I wrote back. "You really are your own worst enemy." She was fine again on Wednesday morning. "Maybe for Valentines," she told me cheerfully. "He could put it in a box of chocolates." I don't think I'm going to invite her to our wedding. I don't think it would be good for her mental health. She might kill the other women vying for the bouquet.

Hope you have a great weekend!

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Thursday, December 27, 2007

Packing Up The Mistletoe

Weekend Recap:
1. Working for a beer distributor during this time of year sucks.
2. Not only is it the end of the month, but it's the end of the quarter AND the end of the year. Oh, and let's not forget that New Years is coming up too.
3. All week the receptionist and I have been putting on a show for the rest of the staff.
Receptionist: Shoot me.
Tink: Not unless you shoot me first.
Receptionist: How about we shoot each other at the same time.
Tink: Just make sure you aim for the head. I don't want to be a damn paraplegic.
Receptionist: Think they'd still make us work?
Tink: Probably.
Receptionist: Fuck.
4. Friday night Hoop and I watched one of my favorite holiday movies, "
Love Actually".
5. That movie always makes me want to have an accent.
5 1/2. A REAL one. Not the fake kind my Mom and I use while bored in lines.
6. Christmas Eve, Hoop and I convened at his Grandmother's house.
7. Because AG's funeral had only been two weeks ago, most of the family that had attended it decided not to come down until the day after Christmas. I thought that was pretty shitty.
8. We made the most of it though. Hoop and I got Red Lobster take-out and then we all munched on the Russian chocolates we'd bought for Hoop's Grandmother.
9. Hoop's new favorite love, besides me he says, are these little Russian cookies.

10. It's probably a good thing they don't list calories or fat content on them. We've almost cleared two pounds!
11. After dinner we drove over to my parents house where Mom, Papa Bear, Lil Bit, Big Bit, Grandma, and Grandpa were making Smores over the fire.
12. This was followed by cookies and pies aplenty.
13. Just the thought of all those sweets makes me want to hurl red and green. I think I've officially OD'd on Christmas feasts.
14. 5 o'clock Christmas morning, the boys woke us up to ask if it was too early to sound the alarm. Even at 13 and 15 they haven't lost the charm of "Santa's come!"
15. For the next few hours we took turns opening presents and exclaiming over each other's goodies.
16. I got an IPod Nano from Hoop, some clothes, a Halloween themed punch bowl, and a wedding band.
17. That's right, I got a wedding band! Mom realized Hoop and I were low on funds, so she went ahead and donated the diamond band to the ring I used to borrow and wear on my right hand.
18. Hoop got an air hockey table. It was too heavy to move out of Papa Bear's truck, so I just wrapped the pushers. The look of confusion and then shock on his face as he realized what they were was PRICELESS.
19. I totally blew my budget on that little beauty. But I thought with all the crap that Hoop has been through this year, he needed something wonderful.
20. One of the highlights of the day was opening my present from Big Bit. He'd taped two glass ornaments to the inside of a shoebox and then placed two butter knives inside. When I shook the box, the ornaments shattered. For a few minutes they had me believing I'd broken something.
21. Next year I'm going to booby-trap ALL their presents!
22. The second highlight was opening my present from Hoop. He'd wrapped the IPod 30-something times. It took me over twenty minutes just to get through the wrapping. By the time I was done, I was laughing/crying so hard I could barely make out what I'd gotten.
23. The third highlight was delivering care packages to all the people working around town. We decided it wasn't enough just to boycott buying things on Christmas, which enables companies to keep their employees working on the holidays. These people deserved to be spoiled too.
24. Grandma says that next year she's going to donate to the cause. So hopefully we'll have double the provisions. I'm thinking of trying to make it an international thing. You guys in?
25. Also, that cute puppy you saw in yesterdays post is NOT ours. She's the dog of the same guy who nearly burned down his apartment with the fireplace. Hoop would kill me if I brought home another "baby".

So what did you all do/get?


Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Weekly Words Challenge 15!

The words for this week were Tradition and Pink.

How did you interpret them?



here for the legend of the Pickle Ornament. The prize for finding it this year was a package of Russian candy.

(Random Pictures)

Bead Ball

Really Long Straw

Fireplace Mishap

This was our friend's apartment five minutes after he started a fire without opening the flue.


Lazy Pup

The words for next week are:


Hopefully you all had a happy and healthy holiday! Updates on how mine went, tomorrow.

If you haven't joined the fun, go
here for details.


Monday, December 24, 2007

*Hic* Who's Sneaking Booze?

I saw a Zephyrhills truck pull out of a fire station this morning...

Apparently, it's what fires prefer.

Do you think Alvin the Chipmunk had ADHD?

I wonder if there's traffic on Santa Claus Lane.

Is dreaming of a white Christmas racist?

I bet the North Pole is where all the elves from Lord Of The Rings went.

How nasty would it be to ACTUALLY get two front teeth for Christmas?

I mean seriously, where did they come from?!

(Click for larger image)

See you all on Wednesday!

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Friday, December 21, 2007

12 Videos Of Christmas

Ok, not really.

But enjoy them anyway.

101 Impressions

Best Reaction To A Present

Lightning Strike Victim

Awesome Stop-Motion Fight

Binocular Soccer

Harder Bodies Faster Stronger

Scrubs Proposal

Hand Drawn

Best First Dance

World's Fastest Clapper

This Kid's Got Moves!

Hammer Time

Doses Of Tink:
Twisted has been updated with another new chapter, "Making A Stand." Anyone kind enough to read it will get a personal recommendation from me to Santa. He enlisted yours truly to help him double check the list this year. What did you expect with the population increasing like it is? Poor old guy is working himself toward a heart attack!

P.S. Don't forget, the
WWC words for this week are TRADITION and PINK. Happy snapping!

Those of you fortunate enough to have Christmas Eve off, Happy Holidays!

Those of you who aren't, I'll be seeing you on Monday. Bring the booze

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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Stupidity Should Hurt

[If I continue yelling, "Get off my ass, asshole!" on the commute to work each morning, do you think I'll get colon cancer?

I'm just wondering.]

I went to lunch with a coworker yesterday. Typically I avoid spending time with this chick because her life choices bug the hell out of me. But she'd been nice enough to get me a Christmas present, so I thought I'd return the favor with food. "I think my daughter is getting suspicious of Santa Claus," she said. "Oh yeah?" "She caught my Mom slipping money underneath her pillow the other night. Now, because she knows the Tooth Fairy isn't real, she wants to know if Santa is fake too." "So what did you say?" "I told her, 'You believe in God, don't you?'"

After staring at her for a moment, a spoonful of soup halfway to my mouth, I managed to stammer, "You compared Santa with GOD?!" She shrugged a shoulder. "And unicorns. I told her that if she believed with all her heart, than Santa must be real." The sad thing is, she was proud of herself. It was all I could do just to finish my meal. What I really wanted was to reach across the table and smack her. How do people like this get to have kids? Shouldn't there be regulations? People have to take a test to drive. Raising kids is a million times more complicated!

"Did you hear about Britney Spears'
sister?" The Mother-Of-The-Year asked this morning. "That family is so trashy! It's because of stuff like this that I won't let my daughter listen to their music." Yes, because everyone knows the number one cause of trashiness is through osmosis. If her daughter ends up needing a therapist it won't be because she told her that God wasn't real. No way. Although I would like to add, it's pretty funny that Lynne Spears was writing a parenting book. No worries, it's been halted indefinitely.

She's now writing a book about what it's like to be a gay black man on Mars.

Two weeks ago, just before the funeral for AG, one of Hoop's non-related relatives started a discussion about smoking. *Ahem* Please remember that this relative is NOT blood related. I would hate for you to think that Hoop carries some kind of Stupid Gene. "It's a good thing you quit smoking," this relative said to me. "Someday you're going to want to have a baby. I knew a woman who smoked and got pregnant. She quit as soon as she found out. But about three months later she lost the babies. Twins. When the doctor pulled them out he found smoke in their lungs!"

Smoke. In their LUNGS.

"You don't say!" I replied, downing the rest of my beer and excusing myself. Stupidity should hurt. Maybe then blatant misinformation wouldn't get passed around like it does. We could set people up with devices that shock them when they do something moronic. Not the first time. Everyone needs a little stupidity room. Just this morning I grabbed my cell phone (which was laying on my desk) instead of the computer mouse. It took a good two seconds before I realized what was going on. I should have gotten a shock after three. The world would be a much more bearable place.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Weekly Words Challenge 14!

The words for this week were White and Life.

How did you interpret them?


The only "white" I saw all weekend.

Outside it looked like this:

Check out the permanent paw prints!


(Trying to get the dog to pose with me...)

"Hey Jazzi, come here!"

"No kisses!"

"Oh, fine."

(Random Pictures)

Seeing Green

Wrapping Gifts

Between The Toes

The words for next week are:


Because of the holiday, the pictures for next week won't be due until Wednesday.

If you haven't joined the fun, go
here for details.


Monday, December 17, 2007

Oral Flatulence

(Also known as a raspberry, a ferbert, or simply "thpbt".)

Hoop and I took my brothers to see "
I Am Legend" this weekend. I wanted to walk out halfway through the film. I wasn't alone. "Can we go now?" Big Bit asked repeatedly. If it hadn't been for Will Smith's stellar performance, we probably would have. I haven't been this pissed off over a movie since "The Fog", which just so happened to be the first movie Hoop and I ever saw together. The computer animation was horrible. The infected animals and people were completely unrealistic looking. The plot, when it wasn't predictable, was pointless. The entire movie was one big, cheap emotional ploy. Everything you could possibly care about in this movie is taken away by the end of the film. EVERYTHING. I give this movie zero out of five sporks.

Last night for the hell of it, Hoop and I bought "
The Darwin Awards". And while it wasn't blockbuster material by any means, it did have its amusing moments. Winnona Ryder plays an insurance claims investigator paired up with Joseph Fiennes, a former forensic detective with Hemaphobia (fear of blood). Together the two set out to investigate claims that at first appear normal, but all turn out to be accidents caused by VERY stupid behavior. My favorite involves a man who ties a rocket to his car. You almost feel sorry for the guy after finding out his reasons for such an idiotic stunt. The film quality is so-so and the narration was poorly done, but the plot is interesting enough to keep you watching. Hoop and I give this movie two out of five sporks.

(Speaking of Darwin Awards, have you checked out their

Quickie Weekend Recap:
Saturday, my brothers and I braved the mall to complete our Christmas shopping. The biggest adventure of the day was when I bought Hoop's present, only to find a better version at the other end of the mall an hour later. I had been phoning the second store for two weeks to see if they'd gotten any of said item in. They told me they hadn't. So finally, in a fit of desperation, I settled on something else. As we were leaving, Little Bit convinced us to visit the store anyway. "You never know," he said. I felt I did, but I asked about the item anyway. "We have ONE left," the salesman said. I blinked and sputtered for a minute before asking if he could hold it. He said he couldn't.

"What should I do?" I asked Big Bit. "Run," he said. So the three of us ran back to the other end of the mall and returned my prior purchase. "What if it's not there when we get back," Lil Bit yelled over the noise of the crowd as we ran back. I threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't shut up. When we arrived back at the store, not even thirty minutes later, the salesman was waiting in front of the item. No one had bought it yet. "I'd... Like... To... Buy." I wheezed. And so it was, Christmas was saved. Although I can't tell you what the item is, not even a little hint, would you care to take some guesses? Got a Christmas shopping story to tell? Have you bought a gift for someone that you're particularly proud of?

Don't forget, the WWC words for tomorrow are LIFE and WHITE.

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Friday, December 14, 2007

Saved By Cuteness

Stare at this for a moment...

I didn't have time to vlog or add a new chapter to
Twisted (Tink).

But you can't be mad at me. The cuteness is overwhelming!


Oh-kay. I'll stop. On to other things!

Below blog fodder provided by Folioweekly.

Women Seeking Men

FISHING PARTNER. Single white female, 46, kids are grown, loves fishing, football and family. In search of "good ole boy" with a boat who shares similar interests. Let me cook for you, you'll be hooked! Don't do it! She just wants the boat! Next she'll be after your bubba truck.

REBEL YELL! Fly away with me to a place we've never been before! Single white female, 48, mother, non-smoker, seeks single male, 45-55, for something we've never known before. Yes, fly, fly away you weird metaphor people.

KINKY & ROUGH. 25, white French femme, in shape with implants. Full figured size, skinny waist. Seeking BDSM partner with big attributes, something that would hunt. Must be strong and able to control this certified angus beefsteak. Something that would HUNT? As in catch you food?! That is one amazing penis.

Men Seeking Women

SURVIVAL OF THE FIT. White male, sixties, semi-retired but keeping busy. Looking to share the company of a fit, intelligent lady with a sense of humor. If you are a boater, that is a bonus. Recreational over procreational. I don't care how big your boat is Sweetie. It doesn't make up for the fact that your junk is broken.

CLASSY GENTLEMAN. Gentleman in his 50's, college graduate who likes mountain climbing, hiking, movies, swimming, tennis, and golf. Looking for a young lady, 25-55, who likes the same things for a long-term relationship. Saying you graduated from college (What, twenty-five years ago?) does NOT give you something in common with the twenty year olds you're targeting.

It's not the same. I'm respectful, 5'11", 180, young 57, funny conversational, secure, versatile, kissable, attractive, committable, romantic, clean, honest. Do you love your dog, or do you LOVE your dog?

63-YEAR-OLD, DIVORCED. Have money; live in RV. Looking for a woman. No baggage or strings. I bet he doesn't have any fingerprints or an ID either.

I Saw You

THE OASIS IN THE SUN. You: legs from here to eternity, smile that lights up the room, sense of humor that comes from the heart. Always serving up a meal with absolute grace. How do I modify my behavior to overcome my shyness? Whoa. How does she find pants?

MUFFIN TOP MEETS BEAR. You: Grizzly Adams behind the bar. Me: Muffin Top who just lost cat. I needed a hug; you were too busy being rude to customers. Can't wait to see you again so we can discuss how to tame you! I bet he won't hug you after he beats you either.

DOODLE DANDY. You made me feel like a wild animal who couldn't wait to pounce. My claws protracted, my juices were flowing, my fever was burning. Your golf skills, dog skills, nunchuck skills are unsurpassed. How are your bow hunting skills? Ewwwww. People like this keep Mace in business.

Have a great weekend! Don't forget the WWC words for this week are LIFE and WHITE.


Thursday, December 13, 2007

In a perfect world...

...I could have my cake fiance, and a handy boyfriend too.

I love Hoop. I think that's pretty obvious. But there is one thing that Hoop is not, and that's handy. He CLAIMS that he is. But I have yet to see any evidence of this. I think the truth of the matter is, he's handy like I'm patient. I also like to tell myself that I'm prompt too. They're both lies though. While all the other people born on January 29th of 1983 were getting their gifts, I was doled out extra helpings of chronic lateness and impatience. Can you picture the person who got my traits instead? He or she must be a fucking saint.

Two weeks ago my car started overheating. Like clockwork, ten minutes after I was on the road, the needle of my meter would shoot up into the red zone. Oddly, this always happened right in front of a church. I was beginning to think it might be a sign. Hoop checked all my fluids -on my CAR- and deemed they were OK. His conclusion was that the thermostat had gone bad. "It's just a three minute in-and-out job," he said. So I waited for him to find the time to fix it. Friday night, my car overheated three times on the way home. Then the right headlight blew out.

Needless to say, the weekend was a bit hectic, so my car never got tended to. I wasn't worried though. The car wasn't REALLY overheating, right? Tuesday afternoon one of the sales guys, who happens to be dating the receptionist, asked for my keys. He brought them back with the news that my car was out of antifreeze. Niiiice. Hoop's reply was, "So it really was overheating!" I forgave him, thinking he could make it up by filling the car with the antifreeze. Unfortunately, that didn't happen either. "I'll do it myself," I told Hoop grumpily this morning.

I found the jug sitting next to my car door... Full. "Hm. Maybe he doesn't understand how this works?" I thought to myself. The morning ran it's course and ended this afternoon in an argument. The problem is, I happen to think that I, the person in charge of cooking, cleaning, and making sure all the bills get paid, should not be the keeper of the cars as well. Besides the fact that the cars no like me, I don't have the first clue what the hell goes where, when, or in what quantity. The first time I checked my oil, I accidentally checked the power steering fluid instead.

My Mom believes it would take four people to run a household efficiently: two people to work and bring in income, one person to maintenance the inside (cook/clean/etc.), and one person to maintenance the outside (landscape/repair/etc.) Since we can't afford a maid or a handyman, I'm opting for a boyfriend. Think Chef Ramsay meets Ty Pennington. I wouldn't complain if he just so happened to look like Josh Holloway too. Then Hoop and I could work, and Chef Ty Holloway would take care of everything else while we were gone. I'd come home and he'd been all shirtless and- *Cough*

A girl can dream.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: I've got a question for you.
Papa Bear: OK.
Tink: If you had to go out in the freezing cold with only enough insulation to cover one appendage, which would you choose: your hands, your feet, your head, your chest, or your balls?
Papa Bear: How long am I going to be out in the cold?
Tink: I don't know. A day?
Mom: Hm. Tricky.
Papa Bear: Then it doesn't matter. I'm going to die either way.
Tink: Just pick one.
Mom: I'm going to say the head.
Papa Bear: Fine.
Mom: So what's the correct answer?
Tink: Correct answer?
Mom: You mean it wasn't a riddle?
Tink: No.
Mom: What the hell?
Tink: I just wanted to know! Sheesh.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Never A Dull Moment

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I could have sworn that guy was my teacher from insurance class.
Tink: He said he wasn't.
Hoop: Do you think he was lying?
Tink: WHY would he lie?
Hoop: Because he's an INSURANCE agent.
Tink: I have a confession.
Hoop: Shoot.
Tink: You're horrible at face recognition.
Hoop: I am not!
Tink: It's OK. Most men are. Women are good at remembering faces. Men are better at remembering numbers and names.
Hoop: That's not true.
Tink: Yes it- Whoa, did you see that guy?
Hoop: What was he doing?
Tink: Having a temper tantrum in the street.
Hoop: It's probably because he forgot what his kid looked like.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: We need a birthday card for Mom.
Hoop: How about this one?
Tink: It has the word "wiener" all over it.
Hoop: Wieners are funny.
Tink: No they're not.
Hoop: Yes they are.
Tink: I'm calling Mom.
*Gets on the two way*
Tink: Hey Mom, is the word "wiener" funny?
Mom: I think it's kind of funny.
Tink: Oh my God.
Hoop: Are we getting the card?
Tink: Well now we HAVE to.

Daily Hoop Conversation 3:
Tink: If you had to go out in the freezing cold with only enough insulation to cover one appendage, which would you choose: your hands, your feet, your head, your chest, or your balls?
Hoop: Definitely the balls.
Tink: Really?!
Hoop: Hey if I'm going to be an amputee, I might as well still get some enjoyment out of life.
Tink: But what if you lose both hands?
Hoop: Then in the name of circulation I'll have a nurse massage them for me.
Tink: Your balls.
Hoop: Yup.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
Time Control
You'll want to read this
Hand it over.
Insider Info Just hand it over.
Insider Info Leaked Aw man. I really liked these shoes!
This Christmas, give the gift of family values Nah, I'm too cheap.
Cheapest soft That's more like it.
Rock her world How about I just tilt it a little?
I was recently transferred to Chalfont... Who the hell are you?
Best soft for you Soft what, ice cream?
Oeminoem Are you eating my ice cream?!

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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Weekly Words Challenge 13! (Sorta)

The words for this week were Want and Green.

Had the weekend gone as originally intended, which involved a lot of shopping and decorating, I might have had some pictures. But sadly, the plans changed. So my only photo opportunities this week revolved around a funeral and a lot of unruly relatives drinking. True, pictures of drunk relatives are funny even when they're not your relatives, but I'd like to keep myself in the good graces of my soon to be family-in-law thankyouverymuch. So I'm taking a "Get Out Of WWC Free" card today and letting you do all the work.

Well? Whatcha waiting for?

The words for next week are:


If you haven't joined the fun, go
here for details.

P.S. Thank you guys for the condolences and kind words. For all the negative things that are said about humans and humanity (or the lack of), you continuously prove that love and compassion are still alive and well. Thank you for being such wonderful friends.

Weekend Recap:
1. It's amazing what you learn about someone after they're gone.
2. Hoop's Grandfather was described in his eulogy as a "West Virginia Hillbilly." His wife, Hoop's Grandmother, had been a Russian immigrant living in New York when they met. They were an unlikely match.
3. At the time of AG's death, they had been married for 62 years!
4. As we walked along the line of flowers and pictures, I couldn't help but marvel at this person I had never known. I had met him in the sunset of his life. But at the peak, he had been a tall man with a huge smile who was slow to anger and loved working with his hands.
5. AG had served as a signalman on the USS North Carolina in the Pacific during World War II. During the battle of Coral Sea, he survived his ship being hit by a torpedo.
6. Despite all this, AG never learned how to swim.
7. It's sad that sometimes it takes a funeral for people to learn about one another.
8. It's sad that AG wasn't here, in body, to see how much we all loved him.
9. It's not always possible to know when one's life is about to end. But in these circumstances, when the subject is starting to forget and the years are coming to a close, maybe we should have a gathering (not unlike a funeral) where the person everyone is celebrating can attend.
10. Last night, after the bugle had played and the flag was rolled, Hoop's Grandmother turned to Hoop and said, "Who am I going to yell at now?"
11. Funerals always make me reevaluate my life. They make me take stock of all the things I'm afraid to lose.
12. Oddly, for the time and money they cost me, the house and the material goods are at the bottom of that list.
13. It's strange that we work so hard and long for the money to buy things we don't have time to enjoy and that keep us from spending time with the people we love.
14. Anyhoop, that's my fucked up thought for the day. Moving on to other things.
15. Any guesses what I thought I saw last night lying dead on the side of the road?
16. If you guessed Werewolf, you would be correct.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Oh my God, what was that?
Tink: I don't know. Turn around.
*Passes it again*
Hoop: Did you see it?
Tink: I think it was a Werewolf!
Hoop: A Werewolf.
Tink: It was HUGE!
*Passes it again*
Hoop: It's a- wild boar.
Tink: Wow.
Hoop: *Chuckles* Werewolf.
Tink: Shut up. Did you see the size of that thing?!

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Thursday, December 06, 2007

Good-bye AG

Death is at once
The end of the body's
Old journey
And the beginning of the soul's
New journey.

~ Sri Chinmoy

For those who didn't know him...


Alzheimer-Grandfather: When's the waitress going to take our order?!
Hoop: She already did Grandpa.
AG: She did? What did I order?
Hoop: Mahi-Mahi fish.
AG: What the hell is Mommy-Mommy fish? That sounds disgusting!

Under The Rug"

AG: Whatcha doin'?
Hoop: We're looking for a place to stash our lawn mower. Is that OK?
AG: Sure! How about over here?
Hoop: I don't think it'll fit back there.
AG: How about under this thing?
Hoop: I don't know what's in that.
AG: *Lifts it up and roaches pour out*
Tink: Nasty!
Hoop: Close it Grandpa!
AG: What was that?
Hoop: That's where Grandma keeps her compost.
Tink: How about over there?
Hoop: That works.
AG: No, no. That's too close to the house. What about over here? What's under this thing? *Points to compost cover*
Tink and Hoop: NO!
AG: *Lifts it up and roaches pour out*
Tink: *Closes lid* Leave that alone OK?
AG: There were all kinds of dirt and bugs in there!

We will miss you.


Pickled Beef will be closed until Tuesday.


Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Blog Of Babble

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I didn't make too many friends when I lived in Valdosta. The people there are freaks. One time I made the mistake of going to one of the local bars. I played pool with a guy that had a screwed up hand because he'd broken it and couldn't afford to go to the doctor-
Tink: -So he was playing to round up money for the hospital?!
Hoop: No.
Tink: Oh.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: Hoop and I have decided that we're not going to have any bridesmaids at our wedding.
Papa Bear: Why the hell not?
Tink: Because I don't have any girlfriends that live locally.
Big Bit: Girlfriends *Snort*
Tink: Oh grow up. Instead, we've decided to have two groomsmen on either side.
Lil Bit: Will we have to... walk down the aisle together?
Tink: No! You'll just be waiting up at the front.
Hoop: Don't worry Lil Bit. If you keep your hair long, no one will even notice.
Lil Bit: *Glare*
Tink: Maybe we should scratch the groomsmen idea too.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Don't forget we have to stop for gas.
Hoop: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tink: Unlike you, I don't like getting gas on the way to work in the morning.
Hoop: I don't like getting gas AT ALL. I don't like getting gas in the morning. I don't like getting gas at night.
Tink: I do not like gas, Hoop-I-am.

Daily Hoop Conversation 3:
Tink: I've come up with a really great way to get exercise!
Hoop: Oh yeah?
Tink: I'm going to get up and dance during every commercial break.
Hoop: That's an awesome idea, babe.
Tink: I thought so.
Hoop: Do you know what I'm going to do at every commercial break?
Tink: Dance with me?
Hoop: No, eat an Oreo.

Also, the fresh and appetizing Edge has interviewed me. Go check it out!

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Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Weekly Words Challenge 12!

The words for this week were Landscape and Orange.

How did you interpret them?



(Random Pictures)


Wardrobe Malfunction

The words for next week are:


If you haven't joined the fun, go
here for details.


Monday, December 03, 2007

Words Taste Like Dirt

Weekend Recap:
1. I'm afraid I have to eat my words from Friday.
2. Not only was Grandma pleasant to be around...
3. ...but she gave me $50 to spend on myself too!
4. Friday evening started off a little rough. I was the first one at the house. "Mom's about five minutes behind me," I said as I kicked my shoes off at the door. "Oh. You talked to your Mom on the way here, did you?" I froze.
5. Because what she was really asking was, "Why did your Mom decide to talk to you instead of me?!" It was all in the tone.
6. "NO," I said quickly. "I just called her briefly to find out if I was supposed to bring dinner. But it's obvious to me now that I'm here, that you're already making dinner. Wow, that really smells good! What's that you're chopping? Is that an onion? I bought the most awesome onions the other day-"
7. It went on like that for another minute or two. I think I panicked.
8. Regardless, it worked. Grandma didn't blow up and before she could squint and ask me if I was "hopped up on something," Mom appeared.
9. Saturday morning, we headed out to the mall. Saturday at 9pm, we left.
Total hours shopped: 11
Total money spent on gifts: $25
Total money spent on food: $40
10. That's right. I only bought three things. They were all stocking stuffers.
11. I guess that's what we get for going to the ritziest mall around. There was tons to look at, but not a lot that we could afford. Once you passed the Target and the Payless, it was all Louis Vuitton and Juicy Couture from there.
12. *SIGH*
13. Late Saturday night, as I was driving home on one of the back roads, I came across a huge drug sting. It looked like every cop in the county was there. As it turns out, a guy I went to school with was one of the ones busted.
14. I guess I won't see HIM at the reunion.

15. Not that I really wanted to. Eeeee.
16. Sunday morning Hoop and I got up early and then lazed around the house until noon. See, even when we have good intentions it works against us!
17. We eventually got motivated enough to go to Hoop's Mom's house so we could drag 50+ boxes of Christmas decorations down from the attic for her.
18. Hoop's Mom kept trying to pawn off her broken decoration on me. "It just needs a little glue. It'll be good-as-new!" "Um, no thank you." "No? Oh alright. I guess I'll have to drag it out to the garbage."
19. Towards the end of The Great Box Moving Project of 2007, Hoop decided he was sick of climbing down the attic ladder and started SLIDING the unbreakable boxes down instead.
20. "What are you doing?" I laughed up at him. "It was just an accident," Hoop's Mom replied for him, unable to see the devilish look her son was giving me from the stairs.

Sometime Before Friday: Good-bye Month