Thursday, December 13, 2007

In a perfect world...

...I could have my cake fiance, and a handy boyfriend too.

I love Hoop. I think that's pretty obvious. But there is one thing that Hoop is not, and that's handy. He CLAIMS that he is. But I have yet to see any evidence of this. I think the truth of the matter is, he's handy like I'm patient. I also like to tell myself that I'm prompt too. They're both lies though. While all the other people born on January 29th of 1983 were getting their gifts, I was doled out extra helpings of chronic lateness and impatience. Can you picture the person who got my traits instead? He or she must be a fucking saint.

Two weeks ago my car started overheating. Like clockwork, ten minutes after I was on the road, the needle of my meter would shoot up into the red zone. Oddly, this always happened right in front of a church. I was beginning to think it might be a sign. Hoop checked all my fluids -on my CAR- and deemed they were OK. His conclusion was that the thermostat had gone bad. "It's just a three minute in-and-out job," he said. So I waited for him to find the time to fix it. Friday night, my car overheated three times on the way home. Then the right headlight blew out.

Needless to say, the weekend was a bit hectic, so my car never got tended to. I wasn't worried though. The car wasn't REALLY overheating, right? Tuesday afternoon one of the sales guys, who happens to be dating the receptionist, asked for my keys. He brought them back with the news that my car was out of antifreeze. Niiiice. Hoop's reply was, "So it really was overheating!" I forgave him, thinking he could make it up by filling the car with the antifreeze. Unfortunately, that didn't happen either. "I'll do it myself," I told Hoop grumpily this morning.

I found the jug sitting next to my car door... Full. "Hm. Maybe he doesn't understand how this works?" I thought to myself. The morning ran it's course and ended this afternoon in an argument. The problem is, I happen to think that I, the person in charge of cooking, cleaning, and making sure all the bills get paid, should not be the keeper of the cars as well. Besides the fact that the cars no like me, I don't have the first clue what the hell goes where, when, or in what quantity. The first time I checked my oil, I accidentally checked the power steering fluid instead.

My Mom believes it would take four people to run a household efficiently: two people to work and bring in income, one person to maintenance the inside (cook/clean/etc.), and one person to maintenance the outside (landscape/repair/etc.) Since we can't afford a maid or a handyman, I'm opting for a boyfriend. Think Chef Ramsay meets Ty Pennington. I wouldn't complain if he just so happened to look like Josh Holloway too. Then Hoop and I could work, and Chef Ty Holloway would take care of everything else while we were gone. I'd come home and he'd been all shirtless and- *Cough*

A girl can dream.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: I've got a question for you.
Papa Bear: OK.
Tink: If you had to go out in the freezing cold with only enough insulation to cover one appendage, which would you choose: your hands, your feet, your head, your chest, or your balls?
Papa Bear: How long am I going to be out in the cold?
Tink: I don't know. A day?
Mom: Hm. Tricky.
Papa Bear: Then it doesn't matter. I'm going to die either way.
Tink: Just pick one.
Mom: I'm going to say the head.
Papa Bear: Fine.
Mom: So what's the correct answer?
Tink: Correct answer?
Mom: You mean it wasn't a riddle?
Tink: No.
Mom: What the hell?
Tink: I just wanted to know! Sheesh.

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At 13 December, 2007, Blogger Backpackermomma... said...

I think if I only got to choose one, it'd be Gordon Ramsay. A)Hes british, as am I and b) he can cook which is one of my duties and if he can alleviate one of my duties then I am happy. I am fortunate to have a very handy husband who deals with all the other "stuff". So yes, I'd like to place my order for one Ransay to go.

At 13 December, 2007, Blogger R.E.H. said...

I had a car once that kept overheating... I bought a new thermostat, installed it. Took it to a travelling repairman (he was actually a guy who worked on trucks, but I knew him - sort of - and he helped me out). I never ever figured out why it kept overheating... it did, however, have anti-freeze ;)

Loved the conversation piece there... and, just for your information... I'd cover my balls!

At 13 December, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

It's completely out of anti-freeze? Totally? You let it run completely dry? You're such a girl. ;-)

Always keep the balls covered in the wintertime.

At 13 December, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I am SO asking that question at my work happy hour tonight. :)

YOu have GOT TO LOVE a man that is HANDY.

At 13 December, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

Ya know, I vote for Gerard Butler, he could just talk to me and keep me warm and I wouldn't really care about eating or cleaning. In fact, the house could implode and I might never notice.

At 13 December, 2007, Anonymous gawilli said...

If you figure out a workable answer for your Perfect World plot, let me know. Before Willi came along I was completely self-sufficient. Now I can't even find my tool box. Neither can he.


At 13 December, 2007, Blogger furiousBall said...

don't be too hard on hoop for his ham-fistedness, my ex was brutal on me and now, i've become pretty darn handy, possibly out of spite.

At 13 December, 2007, Blogger Mignon said...

I forget what I was going to say. Gawilli's comment made me sad.

I'd hate for us BOTH to neglect my toolbox.

At 13 December, 2007, Blogger Mouse said...

Hmmm.. I'll take either Gordon Ramsay (I like his fine usage of colorful British swear words..) or that blond Aussie guy from "Take Home Chef"... cuz he's dreamy and apparently he can cook too... not like I've ever paid attention to THAT part of the show.. lol.

At 13 December, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Send that hottie handyman my way after you find him, have your way with him, and get rid of those termites...

At 13 December, 2007, Blogger meno said...

Hmmm, this sounds familiar. My husband is "handy" too, except that he never gets around to it.... whatever it is.

At 13 December, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

Oh girl, in our house we have this fight about 4 times a year. Boy jobs are called "_ick jobs". Fill in with a "d" and ya got it. My husband pretends that he can't figure out how to turn on the washing machine (this is no lie, I swear he does this), so I have no problem whatsoever calling certain jobs... his. Cars and rodent disposal are two of them.

And sister, keep your mitts off Gordon Ramsay, he's mine! What do you suppose happened to his chin? It looks like someone took a bite out of it, doesn't it? Hmmm... interesting thought.

At 14 December, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The older you get the more you need a reason to think about stuff. *snickering* I hope not too.

Sorry about your car but as a married woman (twice mind you) And being as observant as I am I will be the first to tell you, maybe not the first, that men will often do as little as possible. If you will do it then why should they, after all there are football games to watch and naps to take. It's a man thing.

At 14 December, 2007, Blogger janet said...

i sleep with my handyman. lucky for me ... i married him too :-)

At 14 December, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

Mine's pretty handy, but we go around and around about it sometimes. He doesn't want me to take the car in because everyone else is stupid and will just try to rip us off, yet he just can't seem to find the time to work on it. And when he does, the cursing coming out of that garage! Goodness, but it turns the air blue. He finally gets it done, but I'm not sure I wouldn't have paid someone else.

At 14 December, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anti-freeze keeps it from overheating? I thought it was to keep it from freezing? Am I just dense?

OK, and the handyman boyfriend...I AM dense there because last time I hired one he was really, really old and wrinkled. I need them to send a photo before I hire them. Sigh...

Susan at A Slice of Life

At 14 December, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL at the interesting question you posed to your father.

Anyway, damn I wish I was handy then I would "make my move" lol

At 14 December, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I spoke to Hoop about the anti-freeze incident, he said he was hoping for should have let the full bottle of anti freeze stay there alittle longer- you woulda got results.


At 14 December, 2007, Blogger g-man said...

My lovely wife is a lucky woman. I am very handy, and I do dishes.

At 14 December, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jeez Hoop! Get your act together! I want my wife no where near the inside of her car UNLESS, it needs the battery jumped or the tire changed. Women need to know that or at least their dad's phone number if they can't reach their husband.

I have done all kids of stuff around the house. You know what I've found? It's easier to hire someone. And your mom is correct. I bought a 50 year old house when I was 26. The AC was older than my wife. You know what I should have done when I bought it? Replace the AC and the roof and a couple of othr things.

As my=uch as I want my balls wrapped up, I think Papa Bear is correct, I'm gonna die anyway.


At 14 December, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

Keep dreamin', babe. There are things that I asked Dave to do before Julia was born that still haven't gotten done yet.

At 14 December, 2007, Blogger Real Live Lesbian said...

Maybe the bottle of anti-freeze took itself out to the car?

I'm lucky this time girl's handier than a side pocket. But an additional girlfriend might be nice. What state advocates multiple gay marriages? :D

At 14 December, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never encountered an overheating problem, but will remember this incident(it will help!) :D

At 15 December, 2007, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I would cover the peni only because if I do survive I would hope to.. you know what, for your own pleasure and comfort I'm going to stop right there.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger mrspao said...

I have to learn about car maintenance for my driving test but I still think that pao should do all the car maintenance tasks!


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