Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Stupidity Should Hurt

[If I continue yelling, "Get off my ass, asshole!" on the commute to work each morning, do you think I'll get colon cancer?

I'm just wondering.]

I went to lunch with a coworker yesterday. Typically I avoid spending time with this chick because her life choices bug the hell out of me. But she'd been nice enough to get me a Christmas present, so I thought I'd return the favor with food. "I think my daughter is getting suspicious of Santa Claus," she said. "Oh yeah?" "She caught my Mom slipping money underneath her pillow the other night. Now, because she knows the Tooth Fairy isn't real, she wants to know if Santa is fake too." "So what did you say?" "I told her, 'You believe in God, don't you?'"

After staring at her for a moment, a spoonful of soup halfway to my mouth, I managed to stammer, "You compared Santa with GOD?!" She shrugged a shoulder. "And unicorns. I told her that if she believed with all her heart, than Santa must be real." The sad thing is, she was proud of herself. It was all I could do just to finish my meal. What I really wanted was to reach across the table and smack her. How do people like this get to have kids? Shouldn't there be regulations? People have to take a test to drive. Raising kids is a million times more complicated!

"Did you hear about Britney Spears'
sister?" The Mother-Of-The-Year asked this morning. "That family is so trashy! It's because of stuff like this that I won't let my daughter listen to their music." Yes, because everyone knows the number one cause of trashiness is through osmosis. If her daughter ends up needing a therapist it won't be because she told her that God wasn't real. No way. Although I would like to add, it's pretty funny that Lynne Spears was writing a parenting book. No worries, it's been halted indefinitely.

She's now writing a book about what it's like to be a gay black man on Mars.

Two weeks ago, just before the funeral for AG, one of Hoop's non-related relatives started a discussion about smoking. *Ahem* Please remember that this relative is NOT blood related. I would hate for you to think that Hoop carries some kind of Stupid Gene. "It's a good thing you quit smoking," this relative said to me. "Someday you're going to want to have a baby. I knew a woman who smoked and got pregnant. She quit as soon as she found out. But about three months later she lost the babies. Twins. When the doctor pulled them out he found smoke in their lungs!"

Smoke. In their LUNGS.

"You don't say!" I replied, downing the rest of my beer and excusing myself. Stupidity should hurt. Maybe then blatant misinformation wouldn't get passed around like it does. We could set people up with devices that shock them when they do something moronic. Not the first time. Everyone needs a little stupidity room. Just this morning I grabbed my cell phone (which was laying on my desk) instead of the computer mouse. It took a good two seconds before I realized what was going on. I should have gotten a shock after three. The world would be a much more bearable place.

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At 19 December, 2007, Blogger Gordo The Geek said...

Oh, Tink! My sides hurt from laughing. Do you have a talent for finding this people or is it just luck?

I actually mis running into total idiots. I haven't come across one, that I wasn't related to, in MONTHS.

However, now that your disapproval has been made clear, I'll have to find some other way to talk to my boys about Santa.

At 19 December, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Damn. But hey, why shouldn't a cell phone double as a wireless mouse anyway?!

At 19 December, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

Oh girly. A favorite in my house is a take on "The poor will always be with us." Our version is "The stupid will always be with us."

At 19 December, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

You do have an interesting mix of people around you. I mean, at least they aren't boring. If nothing else, stupid is entertaining. ;-)

At 19 December, 2007, Blogger meno said...

"I see stupid people. I see them everywhere."

There is a T-shirt with that on it, i think you need one.

Sometimes it comes up in discussion that my father has a twin sister. "Oh, are they identical?" is a common response.

At 19 December, 2007, Blogger furiousBall said...

stupidity should kill

At 19 December, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

But just look at all the great blog fodder you get. You can't make that shit up. Smoke in their lungs?!? Unbelievable.

At 19 December, 2007, Blogger g-man said...

Stupidity SHOULD hurt (and sometimes does Re: the Darwin awards). So appropriate given your post nicely said. I think the is a big difference from grabbing your cell and trying to make the mouse move v. warping your kids minds by comparing God with Santa and unicorns.

We need organ donors.

At 19 December, 2007, Blogger amusing said...

So are you giving her a copy of "The Stupids" for her daughter? Just so the girl feels like someone understands....

My gripe about the whole Spears' brouhaha is that it's all about HER. This is why guys get away with looking over their shoulders and saying "who me?" as they wander off down the street.... Why isn't HIS picture plastered all over our tv screens too? Why are we saying "look what THEY did" instead of just calling her an underage trampy ho?

It's just not fair.

At 19 December, 2007, Blogger Backpackermomma... said...

If stupid hurt then I would be working all by myself because everyone would be calling in hurt and thats alot of crap for one person to do.

But I'd be rich cuz I would buy stock in Bandaid.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger janet said...

stupid should hurt as much as laughing... ow ow ow!!!!

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Foo said...

Colon cancer from calling someone an asshole? That's pretty harsh, when there are assholes like me calling my fellow “drivers” names that are rarely heard outside episodes of Deadwood. And anyway, it's better that you should vent at them than to twist off and run them into a bridge abutment.

I'm must sayin'.

Re. Mother of the Year, if there weren't people like her out there messing up their kids, then the good parents wouldn't have messed up kids to measure their happy, well-adjusted children against. More important, if there weren't messed up kids there would a lot fewer child molesters and serial killers. Without sickos to provide inspiration, Hollywood writers would actually have to think to come up with TV and movie plots. They'd actually have a valid argument for demanding huge royalties and going out on strike, because they'd be forced to write about uplifting topics – or at least work harder to find gratuitous, dark subjects to write about.

Or I could be full of crap.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Foo said...

P.S. @Chris: Cell phones do everything else these days. Why shouldn't they also function as wireless mouses? Er... mice.

At 20 December, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Again ... proof natural selection is hindered by society.


At 20 December, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh ya ... and sterilization should be legal.

I want Nickelodian to pull Spear's show or replace her with someone else. Look at "The Good Night Show" on PBS. They FIRED the host because she was in a comic PSA WAYYYY before she going PBS talking about anal sex. And they fired her. See my post here.


At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Sassy Lucy said...

Crap, I guess I might be getting colon cancer too.
You need a collection of "Signs" from dear Mr. Engvall my darling....cause stupidity is everywhere.
That woman should be shot though...comparing Santa Claus to God.
Awesome post, I am really going to need to get some cleaner by my computer to deal with the coffee spits.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Karen said...

That was hysterical. Please spend more time with this lady. For the sake of the stories you can share with us, you must.

At 20 December, 2007, Anonymous Sparkel said...

You're too funny. I am constantly baffled by just how stupid people can be. And I looove reading the Darwin Awards.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Ben O. said...

The plight of the marsian gay black man is so under-reported. I think it's just a media bias, myself.

Ben O.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Mignon said...

I was just thinking how Madeleine was going to discover the truth about Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy someday and whether or not she'd be confused or sad. And because we are who we are, I was thinking I might use God/god as an analogy. (i.e. People believe what they want to believe.)

That said, I understand how it seems ludicrous and idiotic to those who embrace religion to compare God to a childrens' light-hearted myth. But consider the view from an atheist's perspective.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Carly said...

I'm so glad to see Mignon's comment because I was about to say the same thing. Just the other day I found myself explaining something to my mother and comparing God to Santa to make my point. To an atheist it's the same sort of fable. Obviously that wasn't the point your coworker intended to make but maybe her child will be more open minded and discover her own faith for herself since her role models are idiots.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

No. I don't think you'll get colon cancer. You might get a sore throat, though.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Sparkling Red said...

When people find out that I'm not planning on having kids, they will often stare at me incredulously and ask "Why not?"

I'm always tempted to ask them if they have or are planning to have kids, and, when they say "Yes, of course!", give them an equally stupefied look and ask " But, why?" After all, if the first question is a valid one, the second one must be also.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger mrspao said...

Oh my! You should meet my co-worker. I could write a whole book about him/her. There is nothing that he doesn't have an opinion on - even breastfeeding :)

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

LOL - too funny. I think I like the image of you and your cell phone the most! I keep my blackberry on the left and the mouse on the right just for that reason. (not to say I have ever done it myself or anything.)

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I...what? Santa God?

BTW I have come up with a brill idea.

New Christmas plan:

Lay around and scratch. We are calling it SLOTHMAS.

That is all.

At 20 December, 2007, Anonymous AB said...

You're so right! And the dumber the statement...the more painful it should be for the person saying as the words exit his/her mouth.

At 20 December, 2007, Blogger R.E.H. said...

Stupid people... they are abundant at my job. Never ceases to amaze me how dumb some people are... I am bound for colon cancer myself.

The smoked lungs story made me laugh...

At 21 December, 2007, Blogger Freakazojd said...

Haha! Best opening for a post EVER. Laughed my head off right off the top.
As for the Santa/God comparison, I don't know. I'm not a believer in either, but I was raised to believe in the latter and not in the former. Yes, Virginia, there was no Santa Claus in my house when we were growing up. The Hublein and I will be doing the Santa thing with our kids though, because it's magical - and there's so little magic left in the world that I don't think it's a bad idea to teach kids how to find it. And my favourite line EVER for dealing with the discovery that there really isn't a Santa Claus came from my friend's teenaged son. When her youngest child heard that there was no Santa, she asked her mom about it. Her mom didn't have the heart to tell her baby - her last - that there was no Santa. That's when her eldest child spoke up. He told his youngest sister that, sadly, what she had heard was true. He then went on to explain to her in a compassionate and serious manner that she was now the keeper of the secret, and that it was now her sworn duty to protect the other children who didn't yet know the truth so that they could enjoy the magic a little longer. To me, that = awesome.
Great stories as the others have said, if you didn't know/meet these people, you wouldn't have these highly entertaining posts for us to read! Haha! :)
Merry merry & Happy happy to you, Hoop and your families.

At 21 December, 2007, Blogger Christy said...

I wrote about this on my blog I write for The News Journal. I believe in Santa and I decided to admit it to the world.

At 21 December, 2007, Blogger Pamer said...

I couldn't agree with you more...Stupidity should hurt

Watch the movie called "Idiocracy" to see what we could be looking forward to...there is so much truth to it that its frightening

At 21 December, 2007, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

A few things;

One, you bastard, you made me get the dictionary out and look up the word osmosis. I don't really mind since I love learning new words I just felt like opening my comment with something powerful.

Secondly, I'm amazed you didn't just get up and walk away from Mother-of-the-Year. Seriously, I've always gathered you to be the kind of person to just stand up and either stab a person in the face with a spork or walk off.

And fourthly, the picture you usually have sitting under Other Cool Stuff on your side-bar has been disabled by ImageShack. If I were you I'd write someone a nasty email. Be sure to include the word bastard in your opening speech.

PS. Hope all goes well during this holiday period :)

At 21 December, 2007, Blogger Sassy Lucy said...

Rereading comments...I guess I can see those who are athiests comparing the two, good point...I'm agnostic, so it is touch and go....but still they don't fly in the same book of myth to me.

Don't see Idiocracy, it is way too dumb for anyone with a brain, and yet stupidly maybe see it.

At 22 December, 2007, Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

OMG, in their lungs? Scary. You'd think that amniotic fluid would keep the smoke out, you know?


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