Friday, April 28, 2006

Tink Of Laugh-A-Lot

I had a dream last night that Hoop and I were on the edge of a desert preparing to take a long journey with his family. Hoop left with his brother to go buy camels, leaving me to wander the shops of the village. I soon realized that I hadn't thought to pack or buy anything for our trip. With only a few minutes to spare, I ran down the street and threw myself into the nearest shop to buy... booze.

I'm glad I have my priorities straight.

Things That Make You Go, "WTF?":
1. Whoever invented bananas was brilliant!
2. Plants are people too.
3. A solid gold vibrator would be kind of cool. But you'd have to share it with like a hundred people just to afford it, and that's just gross!
4. It's all in the eye of the beer-holder.
5. Our kids are going to be baseball players. So don't go buying anything breakable for the house, Ok?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: The guys at work keep calling me "Grumpy." Am I grumpy?
Hoop: Everyone gets grumpy.
Tink: But am I grumpy all the time?
Hoop: No, not all the time.
Hoop: Just most of it.
Tink: You are such an ass.
Hoop: See? You're being grumpy again!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Car drives by blasting "Hypnotize" by Notorious B.I.G.)
Tink: *Sings* Biggie Biggie Biggie can't you see, you are just too damn fat for me. And if you took me to your bed, you might squish me with your big fat head.
Hoop: *Sings* And then I'd be... dead.
Tink: You are so white.
Hoop: Yeah, well you're CLEAR.

Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, dedicated to Odd Mix's little daughter. Commenting has been left open on it for feedback.

Have a fantastic weekend!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Q & As

Super Spam Buster: Yesterday I changed my comment settings to stop receiving "Anonymous" commenters. I had hoped this might ebb some of the stupid spam I've been receiving lately. But it didn't even slow it down. They're back and they've brought IDs. Blogger IDs that is. So instead of deleting the link like I usually do, I followed it. And then I opened a new hotmail account and emailed them:

Dear Surveys Helpdesk;

I believe I can answer the questions of your prospective clients better than you have.

1.) Can I really get paid just for taking surveys online?
A.) Of course! But initially these companies are going to pay us first for sucking you into this ploy in the first place. Don't worry though, you'll get your cut, all .00001% of it in the end.

3.) How do I know the companies will really pay me? What guarantee do I have that I will be paid?
A.) Would we lie to you? You've already trusted us enough to pay the $34.95 registration fee. Plus we've shown our support for your blog numerous times by blowing up your comments box with cheap advertisements and compliments. We're your friend! BTW, your next fee is due.

4.) Can I do this from any computer? Do I need to download anything?
A.) There's no downloading required. We provide the necessary cookies and Adware FOR you.

5.) I really love the free bonuses. How will I receive them? Do I need to do anything special?
A.) What? You mean those dollar store rejects? You can have as many of those as you want. Just be sure to check the members area every two seconds. Fill out some more surveys while you're at it!

6.) Can I trust these companies with my personal information and email address? I don't want to receive Spam after I sign up!
A.) Why would we spam you? Forget that that's how we roped you here in the first place. Besides, who doesn't love SPAM? Mmmmmm. Spam is good.

7.) How many surveys can I take? How much income can I earn?
A.) That depends on if you have a life or not. Think of it like a piggy bank. Sure, a few pennies don't add up to much. But in a few weeks they'll add up to what you would be making in a day if you had a real job at McDonalds.

8.) How am I paid and how often? Am I sent a check by postal mail?
A.) "The company you will be doing the survey for will pay you by company check sent by postal mail." That way they can spam you at home from the mailbox too!

9.) Does it matter where I live? Are the surveys open to everyone - even world wide?
A.) We're totally anticipating global domination.

10.) Can I participate in the same surveys as others? Are there enough surveys to go around? Will surveys ever "run out"?
A.) Does a bull ever run out of crap? We will always provide you with more ways to fill our pockets with your ignorance. Don't you worry.

11.) How do I know this is not some SCAM? How do I know this is a legitimate employment offer?
A.) "We assure you this is a legitimate employment offer." Because our word is as good as gold... Or at least tin. Anyway, we about as reliable as America's government. You love your government don't you?

12.) Why is there a fee to join?
A.) Because we know you will pay.

12.) Is the $34.95 registration fee one time only? Are there any other fees after the one time registration?
A.) $34.95 is the only MONEY that you'll ever have to pay. Next it'll be your first born and the deed to your trailer. But you wont need any of those things when you're rich right?

13.) Can't you just take the registration fee out of my first paycheck? I'll pay after I do my first survey.
A.) "As much as we would like to do that we just can't." We'd have to wait months for the full $34.95 to rack up, and we'd really like to be paid NOW.

14.) I want to sign up! Is it safe to give my credit card information online?
A.) "YES! No matter what rumors you have heard it is MUCH safer to give your credit card information online than anywhere else." And you should believe us. We've already proven that we're not SPAM. Ummm. I mean, we've already proven you'll make tons of money. Hmmm. I mean, we've already proven you won't regret it. Well... Anyway, we're friends right?

No need to thank me. I know you are very busy trying to scam idiots and all. So, you're welcome.

Super Spam Buster

What do you think the chances are that they'll answer me back? :)

Riddle Me This: No one yesterday seemed to know where the crap they suck out of your mouth during a dentist visit goes. So I turned to Google and Google threw up abortion descriptions. Eeee. So instead I called my dentist.

Tink: Where does all the crap from the suction tubes go?
Secretary: What?
Tink: Where does all the spit they suck out of your mouth go?
Secretary: Oh, the vacuum tubes?
Tink: Yeah. Inquiring minds would like to know.
Secretary: I believe it goes into a tank. Afterward the tank is thoroughly cleaned and line cleaner is run through the hoses and tips are thrown away.
Tink: Oh.
Secretary: Not as interesting as you thought huh?
Tink: Not really. But thanks anyway!

So there you have it. Not as interesting as I'd hoped. But still disgusting.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Wisdom Stupid Tooth

This morning I went to the dentist to get holes drilled in my head. Yes Hoop, that brings my count up to 9 (not counting earring holes). As I lay there, bemoaning the fact that I was missing birthday brownies at work, I thought:

1. My dentist always stinks of onions. Which is awful considering I'm FORCED to breath through my nose as he stuffs both hands and a bunch of scary instruments into my mouth.

2. Dentists are never as funny as they think they are. Dear Mr. Dentist; I was NOT amused when you started drilling into my teeth only to stop and jokingly announce, "Oops, wrong tooth!" I also don't find it funny that you wait until five minutes after the Novocain has kicked in to ask me questions. Couldn't you please take pity on the girl who has to hook a finger in her disabled cheek so that the other side can function without her droopy lips getting in the way?

3. The person holding the suction tube has all the power.

4. I could never be that person without abusing it. "Let me get that booger for you."

5. Where does all the crap they suck out GO?

6. The dental assistants at this office are idiots. After being questioned about my family ring and then explaining how it's been passed down from mother to daughter, the hygienist turned to me and asked, "Who will YOU give it to?" "My daughter I'm assuming." "Oh? You don't want one of those! They're horrid." I kept wondering if we were talking about the same thing. Surely the conversation had switched to cars or IPods or Nuclear Bombs while they were sticking their massive four inch needle into my gums.

Around The Water Cooler:
Co-worker: Is this your change?
Tink: Nope.
Co-worker: Do you want it?
Tink: Sure.
Co-worker: You'd think someone would have heard it drop.
Tink: Where'd you find it?
Co-worker: In front of the toilet.
Tink: Ewww. You washed it before you handed it to me, right?
Co-worker: *Blink*

The Darwin Of Blogs: I've readjusted the comment settings so that no one will be able to post as "Anonymous" anymore. I'm tired of having to run through and delete a dozen "You've been selected...blahblahblah...tons of cash" posts. If being a secret shopper really paid that well would they need to beg for customers like that? And I'm beginning to suspect they're lying when they continuously tell me I have a "Great blog!" Especially when it's in relation to "medical advice" and "penis enlargements." I have neither, so leave me alone. If anyone has a problem commenting because of this, please email me. Also, I've opened up comments on the new
Twisted Tink chapter. Let me know if you see any glaring errors or inconsistencies. Thanks!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Two Cherries and a Lemon.

I'm not feeling particularly organized this morning, or motivated. So I'm pulling the slot handle on this post. What you get is a luck of the draw.

10 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. I think the difference between men and women can be summed up in one trip to the bathroom. I can't count the number of times I've heard men complain that women take too long using the loo. I'll admit, even IM a little confused by the size of our waiting lines. It's ridiculous. But men don't seem to understand what all is required of us femmes if we choose to brave the public restroom. First, we have to squat... Or sit. And if we sit we have to wrap the seat in a flimsy little paper bib that never quite stays on the seat. I'm not a sitter. Squatting takes a finesse that practically makes going to the bathroom a form of Olympics. And then we have to wipe and wash and preen if the struggle in the stall was good. Men? They go in, whip out, jiggle a little and they're done. You're lucky if they wash their hands. So WHY do men take four times as long sitting on the pot? When I have to poop, I'm in and out with as much pushing and grunting as possible to get the job done quickly. When Hoop goes in he grabs a magazine, his homework, the PSP, and his cell phone. The cell phone is for gaming purposes, not dialing out for help like I first thought. When Hoop finally emerges, 45 minutes to an hour later, I've already forgotten he was in the house. Shit, I've almost forgotten I even had a boyfriend. "Who are you, strange man with a nosehair-curling-stench in your wake? Do I know you?" End.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: If you could have a million dollars or me what would you choose?
Hoop: You, of course.
Tink: You'd give up a MILLION dollars?
Hoop: Yup. What about you? If you could have TWO million dollars or me what would you choose?
Tink: ...
Hoop: Tink!
Tink: You, of course.
Hoop: *Stares at me*
Tink: *Smiles back*
Hoop: WHY do we get into these conversations?!

Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: What does "BP" stand for?
Co-worker: What's it in reference to?
Tink: Those new "Bowling Pin" shaped bottles.
Tink: Oh crap. Nevermind!

DOT: Another chapter has been added to
Twisted Tink. It's called, "TINK DIES." Dun dun duuuuun!

You should know better than to believe me.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Cover Your Virgin Ears

Do you know why I love cuss words? They're so damn versatile. There's not many words that can act as noun, expression, adjective AND verb. You can stick "Shit" anywhere and have it make perfect sense. "That shit was awful!" "Shit! We almost hit her car." "I hate her shitty driving." "You've got to be shitting me." The word "Fuck" is even more impressive. You can stick it in the MIDDLE of a word and it'll make sense. "Abso-fucking-lutely." Try that with some other verb. "Abso-jogging-lutely." Yeah... No.

I don't cuss when I'm not at home or out with friends and Hoop. Like kids who have indoor and outdoor voices, I have a PG and a R one. Hoop, on the other hand, needs constant reminding. He seldom thinks about who's in hearing range when he lets loose with a string of obscenities. Which embarrasses him and me to no end when the victims of his ear pollutants are kids. It's something he's working on. Hopefully he'll have it mastered before some angry parent throws a punch at him.

I think cussing is a kind of art too. Unless you're talking to your garden variety Rednecks. In which case cuss words fill up half of their four page dictionary. It takes a certain amount of flair to do it without sounding like an idiot. You can't use the same word too many times. You have to emphasize it at the right spot. And you have to be creative. It also helps if the word your using can't be taken literally. Otherwise you end up with this...

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Lee's parents are horrible pack rats. Their house is nothing but floor to ceiling shelves of collector dolls and figurines.
Hoop: Nash was worse. He had shit on the walls, shit on the shelves, shit overflowing out of his closet, shit on the dressers, and shit poking out from beneath his bed.
Tink: *Bursts into laughter* Ewwww.
Hoop: What?

Silent Hill: Hoop and I weren't impressed with the plot. But the imagery was brilliant and creepy. Which is kind of funny since the only part I actually jumped at was when one of the main characters tripped over a bucket. Everything in the movie, from the music to the outfits, reminded us of the video game. It was a little hard to get into the movie because of it. We came home itching to dust off the Playstation.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
*Bomb siren goes off in the movie*
Hoop: Level TWO.
*30 minutes later another bomb siren goes off*
Hoop: Level THREE.
Tink: Shhhh.
Hoop: But Babe, level three's demons are SO much harder! How are we going to survive?
Tink: You are such a Nerd.

More Search Terms:
(All the terms that people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. El bonero Shhh. That is my superhero name!
2. A picture of the inventor of nachos You're going to make a shrine to him aren't you?
3. Lifesize witches
As opposed to what? Miniature ones?

Friday, April 21, 2006

What Is... Life

Love is...

...the dog letting you put a bra on her.

Courage is...

...crossing your fears in order to see


and this

Beauty is...

...the image of green hills from a boat.

Happiness is...

...feeling like you just might burst.

Wonderment is...

...sneaking up on a butterfly orgy.

The Fruit of All My Labors:
Twisted Tink It's still a work in progress, so feel free to pop out some suggestions. I'm going to try and go through this weekend and delete the original "Doses Of Tink" entries from this blog. Good things to come. Please be patient.

Have a great weekend!!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Themeless Thursday

Can you say my title without sounding like you have a lisp?

More Search Terms: All the terms that people put into search engines that somehow or another bring them here.
1. Babyshit brown Are you painting your house?
2. Period Cramps OW Blog You don't need a blog for that. You need Midol.
3. Paws dog fuck knot girl What? No seriously. What does that mean?
4. Bud light real men of genes Screw genius, we just want good genes. Men with extra digits or third nipples need not apply.

Backhanded Compliments: Things Nash's girlfriend said to me over our vacation.
1. Did you just get out of the shower? I couldn't tell if your hair was wet, really shiny, or just greasy.
2. G's wife described you as "really happy." That's why she hates you.
3. I have a hard time finding bathing suits to fit my boobs. Do you have that problem with your ass?
4. Forget exercise. What you need is a really good tape worm.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: What are you watching?
Tink: "Memoirs of a Geisha."
Hoop: Oh... What's a "Geisha?"
Tink: They're professional female entertainers. They get dressed up and then they go to tea houses to dance, sing, and serve the men that are there.
Hoop: Kind of like a strip club?
Tink: Um, no.
Hoop: Do they put out?
Tink: Only to their Danna. He's the gentleman that takes care of a Geisha.
Hoop: Oh. Like a Sugar Daddy?
Tink: *Sigh* Go away.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Vacation Continued

Drunk Plumbing: The problem with wearing priceless family heirlooms is that people are always worried about losing or damaging them. Except for me. I wear a fourth generation diamond ring on my middle finger. MY worry is that someone is going to try and steal it off of me... In which case I'd swallow it. I have it all planned out. Of course my plan doesn't factor in choking, or if my assailant has a weapon on them. Then you have people like Hoop, who point out that I'd have to dig through my own shit should my plan actually work.

But loss or damage? It rarely crosses my mind. Me, the person who leaves her ring on the edges of sinks and in random decorative bowls around her house all the time. So you can only imagine the panic I was in when my priceless family ring was swallowed whole by the open drain in Hoop's Dad's house on Saturday night. Everything went slow motion as I chased the ring around the sink. Hoop called out, "Ohhhhhhh. Nooooooo." The ring went "PLINK" at the bottom of the drain and everything sped up again. I turned to Hoop with a quivering bottom lip. "It's gone!"

After consoling me for a moment, Hoop and his Dad leapt into action. It wasn't until Hoop's Dad unscrewed the "U" shaped pipe below the sink that we realized he might be a little bit drunk. Their reunions were known to be heavy on the wine. As he dumped the contents of the pipe into a plastic cup, I practically cried at the little gold circle that glittered from the bottom. "Let me clean it off for you," he said, pouring the water through his cupped hand... right into the sink. The sink without the "U" shaped pipe at the bottom. I don't know what was better, our gasps or his look of utter confusion as the water rushed across the floor.

Things That Make You Go, "WTF?":
1. Drink more milk, it'll make your boobs grow.
2. First thing this morning I had to cart in three huge boxes of shit so I could put my desk back together... Why are you laughing?
3. Make the dog stop winking at me!
4. I need a shower. I'm starting to make my own cheese.

Four Wheeler Hell: As some of you may know, I don't know how to drive manual. I don't know when to shift gears. I don't know what each gear is for. I don't even how many there are. So... What better way to learn than on a manual Four Wheeler at the edge of a mountain right? No better pressure than a dozen eyes of your Love's family watching you. Why don't you throw in the challenge of a race while you're at it? There were moments on that ride, no doubt while I was eating Hoop's dust, that I seriously wondered how long it would take all my bones to break on the way down. Fortunately the ride was short and I only came close to the edge once or twice.

So you're probably wondering... Did I finally learn how to drive manual? The answer is, NO. But I did learn how NOT to fall off a mountain. You don't go fast enough to get out of second gear.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(After watching
Matchstick Men)
Hoop: We could become Con Artists and make lots of dough.
Tink: But I can make money without being a Con Artist.
Hoop: FREE money?
Tink: Sure.
Hoop: Pfft. How?
Tink: *Kisses Hoop passionately* Give me all your money.
Hoop: OK.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Accident That Wasn't

The average time to drive from Nashville, Tennessee to home is 11 hours. Last night it took us 16. It all started when I "forgot" to set the alarm for 5am. "But wasn't the extra two hours of sleep lovely?" Since we'd driven straight through on our way up, we made a pact to stop at at least one side attraction along the way back. Unable to find signs for such gems like "The World's Largest Ball Of String" or "An Eight Ton Frying Pan" we settled on Savage Gulf State Park.

We didn't realize it was an hour out of our way.

But it was worth it. After a two mile hike we came across the most beautiful little waterfall. My first waterfall. Hoop and I crawled across rocks, fallen trees and rope bridges to reach the best views. I stood on an oasis of rock over a pool of clear water and thought, "THIS is the definition of peace." Then we had to walk back. By the time we reached the car I was cussing cigarettes, my short legs, and the Twinkie I'd eaten ten minutes before we'd arrived.

Four hours after our detour we were back on the road, still in Tennessee and only two hours from Hoop's family's house. So we cut out most pit-stops and kept the car on cruise control exactly 10 miles over the speed limit. We were only an hour away from home when the bottom of our plans fell out. Did I mention? Hoop's Mom had called two nights before to warn us that she'd had a dream we were being pulled over by a cop with blue lights.

Things That Go "BUMP" In The Night: Hoop had the car set on cruise control at 80. We were slowly passing the line of traffic in the right lane, when suddenly a semi whipped in behind us. The semi sped up, riding our ass in an attempt to get us to move over. Hoop slowed down a bit, trying to get him to back off. None of this would have been so bad... If the semi driver hadn't retaliated by bumping us. After several minutes of this game, Hoop waved his phone out the window as I dialed 911. I frantically talked to the dispatcher as the truck weaved from the now open right lane back into the left lane so that he could ride up and bump us again.

Eventually he got tired of it and decided to pass us. As he passed he flipped us the bird and then swung into our lane 3-4 feet trying to run us off the road. We sped up beside him as the dispatch walked us through what descriptive information she needed. The driver must have realized what we were doing because he exited on the next ramp and called in to the police himself. His complaint? We wouldn't let him pass. Evidently that gives him the right to try and KILL US. The cop took written statements and said we might hear something in a month or two. I love our fucking justice system.

The strangest part of it all happened while Hoop was filling out his statement. I was leaning against the car, staring off in shock at what had just happened. It was then that I noticed the cop lights. Blue, blue, blue, red, white. Blue lights... I told Hoop as we were driving off. He stared at me for a minute and finally said, "Maybe she was seeing it through your eyes huh?" After a minute of silence I leaned over to Hoop. "Do you think she could dream of us winning the Lotto next time?"

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Hey honey, check out that sign on the trail.
Tink: "Stone Door Loop?"
Hoop: No. *Points*
Tink: "Big Creek Rim?"
Hoop: No. *Points*
Tink: What?
Hoop: "Trail Head"
Tink: Forget it Hoop.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Why do we have to sign in before we can hike?
Hoop: Maybe they don't expect us to come back out?
Tink: Why do I feel like we're in the sequel of "The Hills Have Eyes?"
Hoop: Well, I think we just figured out why they call it "SAVAGE Gulf."

Tomorrow, more stories of our vacation: "Why NOT to do plumbing while drunk" and "Mishaps with Four-wheelers."

Friday, April 14, 2006

Another Ridiculous Post

Every Easter my little brothers donate the ears off their chocolate bunnies to me. This year I'm thinking about an upgrade.

Somewhere, one of Willy Wonka's midgets is saying, "WHAT? I CANT HEAR YOU!"

5 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. If everyone is so damn politically correct nowadays why aren't "Hamburgers" called "Beefburgers?" Why aren't "French Fries" called "Sticks Of Grease?" Shouldn't "Short" be "Vertically Challenged" and "Fat" be "Overly Horizontal?" Also, if they insist on parading around 6 foot, 100 lb, 21 year old applicants through my office shouldn't they change the want-ad from "Sign Maker" to "Shark Bait?" Their resumes say nothing about having a Graphic Art degree, yet they interview them in their private offices like they have a shot at something. There's something a bit disturbing about the fact that every female here under 30 is brunette. WHY didn't someone stop the construction people from putting a water fountain two feet behind my desk? Am I the only person who thought this was weird? The only way this situation would be acceptable is if it's spouting beer. While they're at it I want a pretzel tree and a popcorn maker and a vending machine filled with Twizzlers. Thank you, that is all. End.

GrandpaTV: Hoop's grandfather is going senile. And at 83, we all feel he has a right to be. At Christmas, every gift he gets is the gift that keeps on giving. He'll act just as enthused about it the second, tenth, and twentieth time he sees it as he did the first time you gave it to him. Grandpa always forgets that he's had dessert and will demand we give him another to replace the one that was "stolen." Sometimes he has flashbacks of his days in the military and he'll command us to watch our posts. It's sad and it's humorous all at the same time. People change, and you learn to love the people they become even if it isn't fun.

Last night Nash, Hoop and I were discussing the state their Grandfather was in. Nash had climbed a ladder up to the roof earlier that day to sweep off the leaves and Grandpa had wandered over and stolen the ladder before anyone could stop him. I mentioned that sometimes the old man would wink at me after doing something particularly obnoxious or mischievous. We all started to wonder if some of the lapses were simply put on as a show. Maybe he's having a little fun with his own disability? Would we ever really know?

We joked about putting cameras up in the house to see what he does when no one is looking. We even thought about running the live feeds into a website. "GrandpaTV!" Hoop announced. I don't care if you think we're cruel. I realized last night that if I'm going to live that long, then I too would like to go a little crazy when I'm 80. I hope the grandkids dress me up and take pictures of me. I hope I get to eat dessert anytime I demand it. I wouldn't mind being able to appreciate everything as if it were my first time seeing it. There are worse things than being old and a little senile.

So... These eggs are at a bar?

Pickled Beef will be closed until Tuesday. Hoop and I are taking a road trip up to Tennessee. Don't worry, we'll be armed with plenty of film for roadside moments like, "The Worlds Largest Ball Of Yarn." Have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Sloppy Jane

Last night Nash, Hoop and I went out for a couple of drinks. First, I got tipsy. Ok ok, I got toasted. Then we went home. After that Hoop ate a PB&J sandwich in bed. Then I got sick.

Tink: Oh my God, what are you eating?
Hoop: A PB&J sandwich.
Tink: In bed?
Hoop: Why not? Want a bite?
Tink: No! Ugh, it's making my stomach turn.
Hoop: Peanut Butter?
Tink: Yes.
Hoop: Peanut Butter is the All-American food!
Tink: I don't care. Can you please stop saying its name?
Hoop: I'm sorry. I'll just finish this sandwich real quick, OK?
Tink: I think I'm going to be sick.

I don't know which is more disconcerting, the fact that I didn't recognize anything I threw up or that I feel so absolutely horrible today. I feel like someone ran me over with their car, backed up, ran me over again, and then used me as a hood ornament.

That's "Ms. Erbell" if you're nasty: Nash's girlfriend just called me at work. "Is this Tink, Hoop's girlfriend?" She asked. Which I heard as, "Tink Hoopgurfend." "Um no," I answered politely, "This is Tink Erbell." Then she started laughing, which only confused me more. It's really not that hard to do in the state that I'm in. Or any state for that matter. Like Idaho. That state totally confuses me. Anyway... After she finished laughing she said, "No, no. I wasn't saying a last name. I was asking if this was Hoop's girlfriend." My next thought was, "If I say yes am I going to have to bail him out of jail or something?"

It's always odd when people you don't know very well call you on a number you never gave them. After I got over the feeling that I was being stalked, I tried to assess the situation for what it was. Another chance for eavesdropping coworkers to gain leverage on me. The bastards are always trying to get to know me better. The nerve. "What's wrong?" I asked Nash's girlfriend. "Nash didn't call me last night!" "Don't worry, he's OK. We were out drinking until late." Shit. Did I just say that? Now they know I drink! They're going to be gossiping about it over the coffee pot... Wait. You work at a beer distributor you dope.

"Oh, phew. That makes me feel a whole lot better." You would have thought that might be the end of our conversation. But no, Nash's girlfriend is sweet and talkative and only 20 years old. She could talk for fifteen minutes on eight different topics with only one breath. If I could bottle her energy and enthusiasm I'd be rich. At the end of our talk she piped in with, "So don't tell Hoop and Nash I called, K?"

Who says that to someone they don't really know? That's pretty presumptuous. She's requesting I not tell my one confidant, who hears about such trivial things as what color my snot was today. It's yellowish green if you're curious. The first time she said that to me it had been preceded with, "I think I'm pregnant with Nash's kid." I had known her all of two hours. She's not pregnant btw. I'm waiting for the "I just robbed a bank" call where she asks me to harbor a fugitive and not call the cops.

I don't need a cure for a hangover. I need a cure for people who want to pester me while I'm on one.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Manic Wednesday

Our warehouse manager just walked in and set a hardhat on my desk. All I can say is, I better NOT be needing this. The construction is so loud I can't even hear myself think. And don't they understand it's impossible for me to blog in secret when I can't hear people coming up behind me? Geesh.

More Search Terms:
(All the terms that people put into search engines that somehow or another bring them here)
1. Invention in the jerk
2. elcomeway ackbay
3. Why dog chews crotch underwear Please, come back and tell!
4. Crude jokes Bow down to your Queen.
5. Fairys having sex I'm not showing you that!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(After watching
this episode of the Simpsons)
Tink: I bring you PEACE! I bring you LOVE!
Hoop: *Rolls eyes*
Tink: What, you don't want my peace and love? Fine, I'll give it to someone else.
Hoop: Like hell you are.
Tink: Oh-ho, but you didn't want it.
Hoop: Sweetie, I'll take a piece and some love any time you want to give it to me.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: You know what I think is funny?
Hoop/Nash: What?
Tink: That Hooters is on "Tingle" street.
Hoop/Nash: ...
Tink: That wasn't funny?
Hoop: Not really babe.
Tink: But WHY? It was a classic guy comment! Hooters, check. Sexual reference, check. Stupidity, check.
Nash: You still have so much to learn Grasshopper.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Poker Face

Hoop, Hoop's brother Nash, and I went out for coffee last night at our local dive. Hoop brought along homework. Yes, I know. He's my loser, and I love him. While he was plowing through some business literature, Nash was busy trying to show me how to play poker. He was trying to prepare me for Hoop and my trip to visit their family next weekend. Nash, by far, had the worst undertaking.

Texas Holdem, High Spade In Hole, Aces Up, High-Low, Aces Wild, Seven-Five-Two Card Draw, Five-Of-A-Kind, Doubles, Triples, Flush, Stud, Bluff, Hook, Fold, Raise, Bet, Bust, and Jackpot.

Are you impressed? Me too. Eventually I might even learn what those terms mean!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I beat you? Yay, I beat you! Screw the poker face. I'm much better at gloating.
Nash: That's OK, I'll kill you later.
Tink: You're too late. Hoop has dibs on killing me later.
Nash: After he kills you, can I have your car?
Tink: Sure! Free stuff for everyone.
Hoop: What do I get?
Tink: You get the house and the dogs.
Hoop: YES!
Tink: But you have to keep the dogs in order to keep the house.
Hoop: Damn.
Tink: Sorry. It's the punishment for killing me.
Hoop: I understand.

Fun With Dick And Jane: A Cautionary Tale
(Names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Last Saturday Dick and Jane went to a fair with Jane's family. While they were there, Dick was approached by his exwife's parents. "Sally is 10 months pregnant and ready to pop anyday," they told him. "Oh?!" Dick exclaimed. Jane stared at Dick and fumed. When the ex's parents left Jane turned to Dick, "Is it yours?" "Noooo," Dick answered. But he was quiet for an hour after.

When they got home Jane asked Dick again, "Are you sure it's not yours?!" "It's not mine," Dick said. Jane was skeptical. On Monday, Jane could think of nothing else. She was almost ill with worry. Four hours she spent on her computer, looking for a divorce certificate that would prove Dick was right. Jane found nothing, which only made her worry more.

When Jane got home she searched the house for the certificate. Jane didn't know whether to feel bad or justified for digging in Dick's things. Five minutes before Dick got home, Jane found what she was looking for. "Over a year ago," she cried out. "It isn't Dick's. It isn't! Thank God." Dick got home, oblivious to the trouble. "How was your day Jane?" He asked. "Absolutely wonderful Dick," Jane answered. Jane threw her arms around Dick and kissed his face. What would you have done in her place?

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: I love you.
Hoop: I love you more.
Tink: Yeah well, my love totally wipes out your love because it's so large and powerful it sucks up all the available love in the universe leaving nothing but a black hole. Therefore, I love you more.
Hoop: Would you really want that?!
Tink: No, not really.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Revenge Of The Y Chromosome

Hoop's brother is in town. He's a great guy. I have absolutely no problems with him. That is, until Hoop and he combine their powers together. They call it "Male Bonding." I call it "Testosterone Overload." My Estrogen meter is going off the scale trying to overcompensate as I drown in fart jokes and belching contests. I have a feeling my week is going to end in cupcake binges and possibly some forced cuddling.

Highlights of the Weekend:
AKA The differences between Men and Women
1. I always thought a "Mudslide" was just a great drink.
2. ...and a natural disaster.
3. Evidently it's also a crude name for a bowel movement.
4. I can now pinpoint the origin of a fart purely on its smell.
5. In the middle of a movie with his family Hoop exclaimed, "Quit trying to grab my penis!"
6. He was talking to his brother.
7. Family always tell the greatest stories.
8. Like how Hoop used to pee in his bedroom corner as a tot.
9. And how at 14 he got his 9 year old brother drunk on whiskey.
10. Or the fact that all the cops in his old neighborhood remember him by name.
11. Hoop's mother believes his punishment will be children that are just like he was.
12. SHIT
13. But my genes might overrule that right? Right?!
14. Guys will respect you if you quote "Jackass."
15. They'll also stand in awe of your amazing sailor's mouth.
16. They will not, on the other hand, understand why you have to spend twenty extra minutes in the bathroom separating your eyelashes from your mascara disaster.
17. Nothing makes a crazy weekend better like the love of your life confessing how much he loves you in front of family.
18. ...right before smogging the room with ass gas.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I don't see what the big deal is.
Tink: You have pictures of naked women on your phone.
Hoop: It's not like I took them! I downloaded them.
Tink: It's OK, Hoop. I'm going to download naked pictures of guys on mine.
Hoop: *Drops jaw*
Hoop: I'll take them off tomorrow.
Tink: That's what I thought.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: When I lived at the flop house we used to convince people that the house across the street was Vin Diesel's vacation home. The guy that lived there looked EXACTLY like him.
Hoop: And people believed you?
Tink: Oddly enough, they did.
Hoop: Wasn't the house across the street a trailer?
Tink: Yeah.
Hoop: And people believed it was Vin Diesel's vacation home?
Tink: Well you know, he didn't exactly do so hot on his last movie.

Friday, April 07, 2006

The Dog Ate My Blog

I was going to post yesterday. Honest. But my dog ate my blog. So you see, it wasn't my fault. He was just really hungry. You have to believe me.

Things That Make You Go, "WTF?"
1. I just wanted to touch base with you... Ooooh let's touch our bases together!
2. You're a vegetarian. Do you feel guilty eating animal crackers?
3. I hit a bump and now I have gummy bear casualties all over the floor.
4. She didn't have a forehead. She had a fivehead.
5. So I told my daughter about Jesus being resurrected. Now she wants to resurrect all her dead pets out of the garden.
6. I don't have a "fight or flight" reflex. I have a "hide and barf" one.

Analyze This: Last night I had a dream that I birthed a baby boy. My mom was the midwife, which is creepy on a few different levels. But the most horrible part was that the kid started talking in full coherent sentences at two weeks. When I asked him why he had developed so quickly he answered, "So I can get away from you sooner." I must be a pretty awful mother if my two week old baby already wants to move away from home. So you know what I did? I had another kid.

School Daze:
Tink: Do you see that picture of the girl in the rain?
Teacher: The little girl laughing?
Tink: No, she's screaming.
Teacher: It looks like she's laughing to me.
Tink: That's just what they want you to think. Moments before they snapped that picture, the photographer told her it was acid rain.
Teacher: ...
Tink: That's how I feel everytime you give me a test.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: *Talking in his sleep* I'll be your
Tink: Like, the flower?
Hoop: Duh.
Tink: Is that supposed to be sexy?

100 Posts On The Wall: Pickled Beef has officially reached 100 posts! So in celebration I offer you the Pickled Ruski and the Pickled Cow:

Pickled Ruski
1/2 shot Vodka
1/2 shot Garlic Pickle Juice

Pickled Cow
1 shot Jack Daniels
1 glass Chocolate Milk

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Media Roast

Marketing is a tricky business. Most of the time it's a hit or miss field with very little room between big successes and big failures. You're successful if you can make people stop, laugh, think, or most importantly remember. You're a failure if you make them want to rake their own ears and eyes out with a plastic spork (or foon if you like). Fortunately we don't have any of those around, because I'd be spork and fooned to death by now.

"Look who we have our Hanes on now!" Are you TRYING to insult me by making the focus a bunch of perfect-bodied female dancers parading around in their underwear? I don't want to look at a close up of some woman's abs. How about throwing a few men in there? Give me something to look at that doesn't make me compare myself to a bowl of jello and some soggy oranges. Unless you are saying that your clothes are magic and will miraculously make me look like your models, I want pictures of normal/average looking women. Women who don't make Hoop turn to me and say, "Can you bend like that?"

How about that radio ad where a man is comparing his fiance to McDonalds in their WEDDING VOWS? I switch the station every time it comes on. How's that for marketing? You caught my attention, now I'm turning you off. Another example is a local radio ad that causes me to have spontaneous Tourettes every time it airs. The main lines are, "Says who? Says YOU." They're repeated over and over again by the same horrible actor. The only deviation from this monotone monologue is when he speaks with "four donut balls in his mouth."

"Is it in you?"
Gatorade advertises. Whatever it is that makes people hatch out of sports equipment like fucking dinosaurs I DONT WANT. It's even more disturbing than the commercials of people sweating colored liquid. When I first saw it I thought, "Are they bleeding lime green?!" I'm not saying you should start throwing in ponies and little kids having tea parties here. But for Christ sake, at least make your ads watcher friendly. Like this one... Bud Light Secret Fridge. I'm still laughing.

Search Terms: As promised to
(All the terms that people put into search engines that somehow or another bring them here)
1. Receipts for pickled sucker fish
2. Picture of boyfriend wearing a french maid outfit
3. Snoopdogs language
4. Fa Kyu
5. Boobless
6. Meredith Gray's lips
7. Kosher Corndog
8. Kick a rapist

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Nacho Nacho Man

"Ignacio Anaya, also known by the shortened form of his first name as Nacho Anaya, was the inventor of nachos."

This was just one of the neat little facts Hoop and I found written across the top of our drink menu. As the food arrived we realized how quickly the time between ordering and receiving our food had been consumed just by reading all the trivia. Why don't more people capitalize on this? My life would be so much more interesting if only there were things to occupy my mind during mundane moments. Imagine... Trivia on bathroom stalls, on the floor of cash register lines, on the ceiling of dentist and gynecologist offices, on the back of those stupid tear-off numbers you have to grab at the deli, on the foreheads of all my coworkers...

"Tagged!" by
Blue Tige

Here's the instructions:
1. Choose a search engine (e.g. Google).
2. Pick 5 random blogfriends.
3. Think of a word or phrase that you describes each friend.
4. Do an image search of that word or phrase.
5. Pick an image that makes you say, "Aha! That's it!" Ok - so here goes:


Momma T




Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Look at the holes in this shirt!
Tink: What did you do?
Hoop: I didn't do anything. It was on the floor.
Tink: Was it like that before?
Hoop: No.
Tink: Was there cum on it?
Hoop: ...Cum wouldn't eat through a shirt!!
Tink: Ahahahaha! You're a dope.
Hoop: Well it wouldn't.
Tink: I meant maybe the dog ate it. He likes the "love juice."
Hoop: Oh.
Tink: Acid cum. Oh man that could totally be a superpower.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(After he's been asleep on the couch for an hour)
Tink: Babe, go to bed.
Hoop: Wha? No. I'm doing homework.

(Five minutes later)
Tink: Babe, go to bed.
Hoop: I thought we were going to have pudding.
Tink: I ate mine already.
Hoop: You ate mine?!
Tink: No. I ate mine.
Hoop: Oh. Ok. *Drifts back to sleep*

(Five minutes later)
Tink: Babe, go to bed.
Hoop: I'm not sleeping. I'm just resting my eyes for a minute!

Monday, April 03, 2006

Office Zombie

Urgh. Uggg. Mmmm. Coffee. It's one of those Mondays I'd like nothing more than to take the whole pot back to my desk. But that might attract the attention of the other office zombies. I've managed to sneak below radar so far. Why ruin a good thing?

House Hunting, Take Two:
1. Took a tour of the
"poop" house from last weekend.
2. Mistakenly declared in front of the owners, "See? It's not so bad on the inside."
3. Agreed with Hoop that even if we HAD liked the house, there was no way we could have bought it now.
4. Got scared when our agent said, "I don't know where I'm going, so you're going to have to be my eyes."
5. Looked at a house that came with a miniature pony.
6. Seriously considered asking for the pony and not the house.
7. Rescued Hoop from certain death with a little old lady driving a beat up Camry.
8. So she was only going three miles an hour... I still rescued him damn it.
9. Walked through a house that had over two hundred shelves and seven walk-in closets.
10. Got glared at by another couple looking at it.
11. Made a point to announce, "This is IT!" It wasn't. But it was fun to see the other couple rushing to their car to call their agent.
12. Had fun bashing other real estate agents to our real estate agent.
13. Heard the words, "Rose like a cake" in reference to cleaning out a septic tank.
14. Almost got in a fight with a Subway sandwich worker.
15. Fell in love with a house on the corner of two streets named after flowers. One flower is used for healing wounds, the other as a deadly poison.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I think the only way to live forever is by passing on your genes.
Tink: Is that the ONLY reason you want kids? Because if that's the case you should just donate sperm and save yourself the trouble.
Hoop: No, that's not the ONLY reason.
Hoop: I never thought of that option though.
Tink: You could have hundreds of little Hoops out there.
Hoop: And they PAY you for it.
Tink: Not to mention the good of the cause.
Hoop: So... You'd be OK with me doing that?
Tink: Pfft. Hell no.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Did that older waitress just call that younger waitress "Baby?"
Hoop: Yeah. Weird.
Tink: Do you think they're mother and daughter?
Hoop: Working at the same restaurant?
Tink: We are in Hicksville. Maybe it's the family business?
Hoop: We're at CHILIS.
Tink: Name some other restaurants in Hicksville.
Hoop: ...
Tink: Exactly.
Hoop: Oh my God. You're right! There could be three generations here.
Tink: That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Daily Hoop Conversation 3:
Gas Station Attendant: What are you guys up to today?
Hoop: We're planning on doing some yard work. Maybe catch a movie... And then we're going to win the Lotto.
Gas Station Attendant: What a coincidence. Me too!