Two Cherries and a Lemon.
I'm not feeling particularly organized this morning, or motivated. So I'm pulling the slot handle on this post. What you get is a luck of the draw.
10 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. I think the difference between men and women can be summed up in one trip to the bathroom. I can't count the number of times I've heard men complain that women take too long using the loo. I'll admit, even IM a little confused by the size of our waiting lines. It's ridiculous. But men don't seem to understand what all is required of us femmes if we choose to brave the public restroom. First, we have to squat... Or sit. And if we sit we have to wrap the seat in a flimsy little paper bib that never quite stays on the seat. I'm not a sitter. Squatting takes a finesse that practically makes going to the bathroom a form of Olympics. And then we have to wipe and wash and preen if the struggle in the stall was good. Men? They go in, whip out, jiggle a little and they're done. You're lucky if they wash their hands. So WHY do men take four times as long sitting on the pot? When I have to poop, I'm in and out with as much pushing and grunting as possible to get the job done quickly. When Hoop goes in he grabs a magazine, his homework, the PSP, and his cell phone. The cell phone is for gaming purposes, not dialing out for help like I first thought. When Hoop finally emerges, 45 minutes to an hour later, I've already forgotten he was in the house. Shit, I've almost forgotten I even had a boyfriend. "Who are you, strange man with a nosehair-curling-stench in your wake? Do I know you?" End.
Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: If you could have a million dollars or me what would you choose?
Hoop: You, of course.
Tink: You'd give up a MILLION dollars?
Hoop: Yup. What about you? If you could have TWO million dollars or me what would you choose?
Tink: ...
Hoop: Tink!
Tink: You, of course.
Hoop: *Stares at me*
Tink: *Smiles back*
Hoop: WHY do we get into these conversations?!
Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: What does "BP" stand for?
Co-worker: What's it in reference to?
Tink: Those new "Bowling Pin" shaped bottles.
...
Tink: Oh crap. Nevermind!
DOT: Another chapter has been added to Twisted Tink. It's called, "TINK DIES." Dun dun duuuuun!
You should know better than to believe me.
Copyright© 2005-2008, Pickledbeef.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
18 comments
18 Comments:
Look, if God hadn't intended for Man to IRC on the throne, He wouldn't have invented routers with wireless access points. 'Nuff said.
And the correct answer to the question about the million dollars? "I'd take the money. How could you resist me then?"
It's called having your cake...
Oh my god. You are so right on with your bathroom comparison. I'm totally like you. Jeff, not so much. I'll never understand why they are content to marinate in the stench. Gross.
OMG. Your bathroom comparison is BANG ON. Dave will take the mail in with him, a newspaper...I could birth a child and he'd miss it.
*makes mental note to not be drinking coffee when reading Tink's post, 'cos it hurts too much being snorted out the nose*
LMAO! I agree about the bathroom thing too, you hit that dead on.
*snort* about the convo at the watercooler. ;)
So do you read the paper/magazine after Hoop's been sphincter exercising with it for an hour? Ick. I can't get over the fact that I'm inhaling poo particles when Jim drags the stench out with him.
Aren't all bottles shaped like bowling pins?
So, yesterday it was about cussin' and today it's about crappin'. There is a certain theme developing here. haha
I don't know why guys take the newspaper and head to the bathroom. Or their homework, cell phone etc, because I don't.
I guess I've always been different. I just go in light the candle, turn on the exhaust fan and do my business and leave.
Also, it's kinda ... bad for someone to spend too much time sitting on the toilet. You can look up the reasons, I don't wanna get to graphic here. haha
I find it unbelievable how much time men spend in the bathroom--just what do they do in there??? I guess I'm happier simply not knowing.
One of my friends was in the loo with his laptop when the handle fell off the door so he couldn't get out. His wife was asleep two floors above and couldn't hear him hammering on the door so he told the people he was talking to on IRC and they came round with the spare key and let him out. Maybe the throne is a place of safety!
Reasons it takes a long time:
1) Prior Planning. We don't know what's on the "Honey Do" list. Who knows when we'll get a chance to finish up.
2) Economics. One massive crap a day uses less TP than three small ones.
3) Efficiency. Same for time as TP.
4) Privacy. How often do you let Hoop read in peace?
And ROFLAMO about the BP bottles. Yes I did that on purpose. My son reads my blog out loud to my daughters. When he sees LMAO he says "Lame-Oh" because he has no idea what it really means. I LMAO every time he says it.
Hi TInk!!! The men learn that early on.....my oldest son takes 25 minutes to go....and not 1 minute faster....
Foo: You're such a... guy. :)
TB: "marinate in the stench" LOL! Can I borrow that?
Mama T: Well technically, he's giving birth to something too. Bleh. I just grossed myself out.
Chris: Coke isn't much better either. It's harder to clean out of your nose holes.
EE: I'm so glad I'm not alone.
Mignon: Not a chance. After they've been in the bathroom they have to be sealed in a bag and then thrown away.
These "BP" bottles are round on top and bottom. They also call them Silhouette bottles because they look like a female body.
Jay: LOL. I like talking about things that everyone can relate to. That and I have no shame. *Shrug*
Arabella: They goof off, like kids. That's why men don't take baths. They'd be in there for hours too.
MrsPao: Now THATS funny!
OddMix: Well he definitely gets privacy in there. In fact, he keeps me from the bathroom hours afterward too.
Your kids are darling. Doesn't he wonder what why people keep exclaiming, "Lame-Oh" on your blog?
Ditsy: Heya stranger! 25 minutes is GOOD by Hoop standards.
PSP and a cell phone?
Better put your foot down if he installs a plasma and a GameCube.
my favorite place at work is the shitter. it's the only place that no one has control over me, so i hang out there (except for the time a guy climbed a ladder and said, "oops, i'm sorry," but that's another story).
i guess it's novel having to sit down on a toilet, so we kind of just hang around and trip out on it.
e+
"nosehair-curling-stench in your wake." Haha! I've got a man in my life who can do that, too. He's also a marathon toilet sitter.
My dad is an hour plus guy. Once, when I was young, I asked him why he took so long. His answer? The longer I take, the more time your mother has to forget what it was she was going to ask me to do. Smart man.
Okay, in many restrooms in Italy, the only option is to stand/squat. There is only a hole the ground surrounded by ceramic of course, as if that makes it function any better (or makes me want to freak out any less). Sometimes I wonder if wearing a skirt with no underwear is appropriate (no, duh)because it certainly would make the restroom experience that much easier. (I hate when the pee sprays back up at my legs. I may have to post about these experiences.)
You SO don't have kids! Believe me, once you're a mom, the pot is your friend; your time there will be your only moments of relative privacy for at least a dozen years. You'll want to draw out that sucker for as long as possible. Tens of seconds on end...
~Eileen
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