Friday, April 14, 2006

Another Ridiculous Post

Every Easter my little brothers donate the ears off their chocolate bunnies to me. This year I'm thinking about an upgrade.

Somewhere, one of Willy Wonka's midgets is saying, "WHAT? I CANT HEAR YOU!"

5 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. If everyone is so damn politically correct nowadays why aren't "Hamburgers" called "Beefburgers?" Why aren't "French Fries" called "Sticks Of Grease?" Shouldn't "Short" be "Vertically Challenged" and "Fat" be "Overly Horizontal?" Also, if they insist on parading around 6 foot, 100 lb, 21 year old applicants through my office shouldn't they change the want-ad from "Sign Maker" to "Shark Bait?" Their resumes say nothing about having a Graphic Art degree, yet they interview them in their private offices like they have a shot at something. There's something a bit disturbing about the fact that every female here under 30 is brunette. WHY didn't someone stop the construction people from putting a water fountain two feet behind my desk? Am I the only person who thought this was weird? The only way this situation would be acceptable is if it's spouting beer. While they're at it I want a pretzel tree and a popcorn maker and a vending machine filled with Twizzlers. Thank you, that is all. End.

GrandpaTV: Hoop's grandfather is going senile. And at 83, we all feel he has a right to be. At Christmas, every gift he gets is the gift that keeps on giving. He'll act just as enthused about it the second, tenth, and twentieth time he sees it as he did the first time you gave it to him. Grandpa always forgets that he's had dessert and will demand we give him another to replace the one that was "stolen." Sometimes he has flashbacks of his days in the military and he'll command us to watch our posts. It's sad and it's humorous all at the same time. People change, and you learn to love the people they become even if it isn't fun.

Last night Nash, Hoop and I were discussing the state their Grandfather was in. Nash had climbed a ladder up to the roof earlier that day to sweep off the leaves and Grandpa had wandered over and stolen the ladder before anyone could stop him. I mentioned that sometimes the old man would wink at me after doing something particularly obnoxious or mischievous. We all started to wonder if some of the lapses were simply put on as a show. Maybe he's having a little fun with his own disability? Would we ever really know?

We joked about putting cameras up in the house to see what he does when no one is looking. We even thought about running the live feeds into a website. "GrandpaTV!" Hoop announced. I don't care if you think we're cruel. I realized last night that if I'm going to live that long, then I too would like to go a little crazy when I'm 80. I hope the grandkids dress me up and take pictures of me. I hope I get to eat dessert anytime I demand it. I wouldn't mind being able to appreciate everything as if it were my first time seeing it. There are worse things than being old and a little senile.


So... These eggs are at a bar?

Pickled Beef will be closed until Tuesday. Hoop and I are taking a road trip up to Tennessee. Don't worry, we'll be armed with plenty of film for roadside moments like, "The Worlds Largest Ball Of Yarn." Have a great weekend!

23 Comments:

At 14 April, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Be careful out there! I've heard Tennessee midgets are also cannibals. Don't let the tank get below a quarter ;o)
Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger Melissa said...

Have a great road trip! I'm looking forward to hearing all about it.

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Are you taking Grandpa?? He sounds like a hoot! I love the taking the ladder story. Now that's funny. Do you give him the same gift every year? What a great idea for everyone's gift list that has someone with Alzheimer's!

Have a great weekend!

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

My great-uncle was the family storyteller. He died last year in his mid 80's. He would sit there on the couch and tell us a story about something that happened back in the day and he would fall asleep in the middle of the story. Then, when we woke up after a few minutes, he'd pick right up where he left off.

And, my mother says one of the best things about getting old is reading. She can read the same mystery every few months because she will have forgotten who did it. haha

Have a great trip and definately take pictures of the worlds largest ball of yarn. I love roadside attractions. Some people don't like to travel with me cause I stop at so many of them.

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

OK...what part of Tennessee?

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

I love this post - the grampa cam! And "you learn to love the people they become even if it isn't fun" - what? What's not fun? Damn right, he deserves 18 desserts and should be able to call you whatever name pops to mind. Hey shit-fer-brains! Git me another cupcake!! That's me. In 50 years, I mean.

Have a fun trip! Can't wait to see the photos.

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Oh! Oh! The World's Largest Ball of Yarn! I hope you get a picture of something like that!! :D

That egg cartoon is great! And the ears - too funny...

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

TB: *Snort* Happy Zombie Jesus Day! I'm going to call that out at every pit stop.

Deb: Gramps isn't coming this trip. Not unless we can figure out some way to rope his recliner to the top of Hoop's car.

Last year we got him a wind-up flashlight.

Gramps: Who is this for?
Hoop: You, Grandpa.
Gramps: WOW!
...
Gramps: Who is this for?
Hoop: Um... You.
Gramps: WOW!
...
You get the picture. :)

Jay: I want to be the family storyteller when I get old! Only I'll have black mail pictures to back all the stories up. The grandkids will love me and my kids will plot my move to an elderly home.

Mamalujo1: Nashville

Mignon: You'll be invited to my porch for tea any time. We'll cuss at people walking by... Because at that age, we're much too old to beat up. :)

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

I love the stories of Grandpa. Having just lost three grandmas to Alzheimer's, I know exactly what you mean about the sadness and the humor. Sometimes, laughing is the only defense against a broken heart.

And now I feel I ought to tell a story about the Grandma who lived in this house before me, but I'll wander over to my own blog to do it. :)

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Oh well. If you're ever in Townsend, let me know!

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

I love those chocolate ears.

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger eric said...

my grandma's 82 and has diabetes. i'm the only one not bitching at her when she eats a big bowl of ice cream with a brownie in it. i know she loves me for it when i'm there, to tell everybody to get off her damn back about the sugar.

e+

 
At 14 April, 2006, Blogger EE said...

Makes you wonder about Grandpa, huh? LOL at "GrandpaTV".

Oooo have fun on the road trip!

:)

 
At 15 April, 2006, Blogger mrspao said...

You could give Hoop your anatomically correct heart!

 
At 15 April, 2006, Blogger wordgirl said...

Be safe!

 
At 15 April, 2006, Blogger Foo said...

Those sweets give a whole new meaning to the expression "let me chew your ear".

Or "he talked my ear off and then ate it."

 
At 17 April, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Have a great trip! I'm partial to bunny feet, myself...

 
At 17 April, 2006, Blogger R. Robyn said...

I love that comic. Very cute. Have fun on your road trip. I was just talking to Joey about how I love road trips in that States. 24-hour Convenient stores rule. There are no such things here.

 
At 17 April, 2006, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

Oompah Loompahs. *shiver*

 
At 17 April, 2006, Blogger Jess Riley said...

Hey, hope you're having fun on the road trip!

(Those chocolate ears are pretty creepy. LOL)

 
At 17 April, 2006, Anonymous sweatpantsmom said...

I want some chocolate ears!

I'll bet when no one's looking, Grandpa is checking off his list:

-Get more dessert. Pretend last one was 'stolen.'

-Command everyone to 'Man their posts.' Watch them all scurry around like chickens on fire.

-Pretend to like that goddamned sweater they gave me again for Christmas.

 
At 18 April, 2006, Blogger Emily said...

Hope you had a great trip!

 
At 18 April, 2006, Blogger V said...

Oooo! I can't wait to see that ball of yarn! Cheap thrills....yuh know!

 

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