One For The Ladies

I'm sorry guys, this has turned into another Pussy and Make-Up post. For those of you just joining us, that's a post that doesn't involve Hoop. *Gasp*

There are two things a woman should never own: a scale and a full length mirror. I used to shop at a grocery store with a huge scale at the exit. Every visit I would weigh myself and every time I got done I would feel horrible, always berating myself for buying those ice cream bars or cookies. But no matter how much I cut out of my diet, I always fluctuated between the same eight pounds. So I stopped going to that grocery store. What sick fuck puts a scale at the end of a GROCERY store anyway? Isn't that kind of.. I don't know, counterproductive?!

Last night I went to Target for T-Shirts. It never stops at T-Shirts though. Soon enough I was trying on dress pants and skirts too. That's where the full length mirror comes into play. There have been numerous mornings where I've pined for a full length mirror. Anything to avoid having to stand on the toilet and throw a leg into the sink to see if my shoes match my pants. But last night as I stood in front of that mirror all I wanted to do was cry... Or throw a serious temper tantrum which involved accidentally decking the perfect bodied eighteen year old in the stall next to me.

I haven't seen myself in a full length mirror for four and a half years. I knew my desk job had softened my tummy a little. I knew my jeans were fitting a bit snug in the butt. But I never imagined the puckers and dimples that could form on ones body simply from going up a size or two. I stood staring at my reflection from all the most disturbing angles, smushing and sliding my body back to the way it used to be. I found myself thinking, "If I could take a knife and just slice off this chunk of fat right here, I'd have great legs again."

It disturbs me, and not because of what I saw in that mirror last night. What really disturbs me is what that image made me THINK. Jesus, I can start exercising and eating right if that's what's necessary. But no woman should ever feel so demoralized that she considers cutting herself away with a knife like a piece of meat. That's not normal! It's not healthy. I stepped out of that dressing room with new eyes. I stared at every woman that passed me and wondered, "Does she feel this way too?" It was like someone sucker punched me. I had two choices. I could leave, or I could finish shopping.

So you know what I did? I bought lingerie.

Standing in the middle of the store I came to this realization. This is MY body damn it. I HAVE to love it. It's held babies on its hips and friends in its arms. It's been kissed and caressed, beaten up and broken down. It's pushed lawn mowers, furniture, swings and cars. Come sickness and sadness, it's always come through. It was just the right size for snuggling around my little brothers. It's still the right size for being snuggled around by Hoop. It's cried, laughed, yelled, hoped and loved. It's made dinners for twelve and drawn pictures by candlelight. It's curved, dimpled, wrinkled and rounded. It's utilitarian. It's a work of art.

I tried the lingerie on when I got home, doing circles in front of the bathroom mirror. I put it away before Hoop came back from school. He'll get to enjoy it too, I can assure you. But I didn't buy it for him... I bought it for ME.

On A Lighter Note...

Hollywood Smut: I usually stay off the celebrity topics because frankly, I don't really care. But this is just too crazy to ignore. A LIFESIZE statue of Britney Spears giving birth?! "Oh my God, sign me up. I want one right in the middle of my trailer!" Surely the artist understands that she CHOSE to have a C-Section right?

Which leads me to another disturbing conversation. Why did she choose to have a C-Section? Why did no one stop her from having unnecessary major surgery? Was she scared she might stretch her Hooha out and then dear sweet adulterer Kevin wouldn't want her? Because we all know his turnoffs include being poor, not being famous, and pregnant women.

Laugh Lines Are The Best Lines: A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys- smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex. But being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called... 'Blow Job Revenge.'"