An Eye Full
No Shame: As Hoop and I were waiting for our supreme Mudslides at dinner last night, we decided to pass the time by comparing belly flab. Hoop slumped over, maximizing the amount of fat and skin he could grab with one hand. I dug in, smushing the pooch of my stomach into a grossly puckered mouth. Of course the waitress decided to arrive at that moment. She stopped two feet from the table and stared. "Um, are you guys sure you still want these?" We stared back with a look that could only mean, "DUH." She slid the drinks across the table. "It's never a good sign when people are comparing their fat before they've even eaten."
Things That Make You Go, "WTF?"
1. I'm renaming the dog "Paneadur" for "Panty Eater."
2. I had a dream you turned into Jack Black and sang me Bohemian Rhapsody while showing me slides of the life of a grape.
3. If you can't talk about poop with your Mom, who can you talk about it with?
4. "Birthday Cake" flavored ice cream? They're RUINING the whole concept!
A SITE For Each Eye:
Dope’alicious: A drug ring was busted making pot laced candies with names like, "Toka-Cola, Pot Tarts, Puff-A-Mint Pattie, Stoney Ranchers, Munchy Way, and Buddahfinger."
How Profane: A site that gives you a worldly view of profanity with great trivia like, "The Cantonese word for 'flower bridge'('fa kyu') sounds vaguely similar to 'fuck you'." AND... "Even names in one language may appear as vulgar words in another linguistic community, which causes many immigrants to change their names (common Vietnamese personal names include Phuc and Bich).”
Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While laying on the bed)
Hoop: I’m so lazy.
Tink: Me too.
Hoop: You know what would be great?
Hoop: If I could CARRY myself to the living room.
Tink: I’m having trouble picturing that.
Hoop: It’s not so difficult to imagine.
Tink: Like putting your arms underneath your legs and pulling up?
Tink: That would be nice, IF it were possible.
Hoop: But then imagine how tired your arms would get.
Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: If Jazzi (the dog) could talk, she’d sound like one of those old smokers with the throat boxes.
Hoop: No, she’d have a sexy voice. Like one of those phone sex operators that end up being overweight and ugly.
Tink: *In a sexy voice* Hey big boy. Where’s the kibble?
Hoop: Is it wrong that you just turned me on?
At The Water Cooler:
Tink: Our IT person just told me we’re having problems because “the internet is bottlenecking.”
Tink: Yeah, that’s fucking impossible. That would be like damming the ocean.
Coworker: It doesn’t matter what page you turn the book to. It’s how many fingers you have to turn the pages with.
Tink: *Blink* Yeah… Something like that.