Wednesday, March 22, 2006

An Eye Full

No Shame: As Hoop and I were waiting for our supreme Mudslides at dinner last night, we decided to pass the time by comparing belly flab. Hoop slumped over, maximizing the amount of fat and skin he could grab with one hand. I dug in, smushing the pooch of my stomach into a grossly puckered mouth. Of course the waitress decided to arrive at that moment. She stopped two feet from the table and stared. "Um, are you guys sure you still want these?" We stared back with a look that could only mean, "DUH." She slid the drinks across the table. "It's never a good sign when people are comparing their fat before they've even eaten."

Things That Make You Go, "WTF?"
1. I'm renaming the dog "Paneadur" for "Panty Eater."
2. I had a dream you turned into Jack Black and sang me Bohemian Rhapsody while showing me slides of the life of a grape.
3. If you can't talk about poop with your Mom, who can you talk about it with?
4. "Birthday Cake" flavored ice cream? They're RUINING the whole concept!

A SITE For Each Eye:
Dope’alicious: A drug ring was busted making pot laced candies with names like, "Toka-Cola, Pot Tarts, Puff-A-Mint Pattie, Stoney Ranchers, Munchy Way, and Buddahfinger."

How Profane: A site that gives you a worldly view of profanity with great trivia like, "The Cantonese word for 'flower bridge'('fa kyu') sounds vaguely similar to 'fuck you'." AND... "Even names in one language may appear as vulgar words in another linguistic community, which causes many immigrants to change their names (common Vietnamese personal names include Phuc and Bich).”

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While laying on the bed)
Hoop: I’m so lazy.
Tink: Me too.
Hoop: You know what would be great?
Tink: What?
Hoop: If I could CARRY myself to the living room.
Tink: I’m having trouble picturing that.
Hoop: It’s not so difficult to imagine.
Tink: Like putting your arms underneath your legs and pulling up?
Hoop: Exactly.
Tink: That would be nice, IF it were possible.
Hoop: But then imagine how tired your arms would get.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: If Jazzi (the dog) could talk, she’d sound like one of those old smokers with the throat boxes.
Hoop: No, she’d have a sexy voice. Like one of those phone sex operators that end up being overweight and ugly.
Tink: *In a sexy voice* Hey big boy. Where’s the kibble?
...
Hoop: Is it wrong that you just turned me on?

At The Water Cooler:
Tink: Our IT person just told me we’re having problems because “the internet is bottlenecking.”
Coworker: Really?
Tink: Yeah, that’s fucking impossible. That would be like damming the ocean.
Coworker: It doesn’t matter what page you turn the book to. It’s how many fingers you have to turn the pages with.
Tink: *Blink* Yeah… Something like that.

Phew.

17 Comments:

At 22 March, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

Pot Tarts? I'm sure there's a real market for that somewhere. LOL.

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger EE said...

I'm just sitting here LOL at the first, I can only imagine what your waitress was thinking when she came back w/ your drinks.

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger Foo said...

I can assure you that the blog entry I wanted to post today is much weirder than this one. However, I'm a) too Phuc'ing busy today to put it together and b) if I weren't too busy, I've still got too many nosey Parkers snooping around my cubicle today.

So you win by default.

I'd just like to take this opportunity to mention that Apple is really starting to get up my neck. They keep using all these really cool tunes in their iPod commercials. So cool, in fact, that they're almost-but-not-quite-entirely unknown and therefore available only on uber-expensive import CDs. When all I really want is an MP3 of Rinocerose's "Cubicle".

 
At 22 March, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Why can't they sell stuff like that in our work vending machines? I would be so much more creative with the marketing pitches.

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Mama T: There's a part of me that really commends them for the creativity. :)

EE: Don't worry, we tipped her really well.

Foo: Are you calling me weird? Are YOU calling ME weird?! Just checking.

TB: That and coffee IVs and we'd be SET!

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Whoa, your coworker. Like... "Huh?!"

So, as long as Hoop was turned on by YOU doing the dog's voice, and not the thought of the dog talking like that...

 
At 22 March, 2006, Anonymous surcie said...

The Daily Hoop Conversation cracks me up. Thanks for visiting my blawg!

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger Peevish said...

A friend of mine had a manager who called a meeting specifically to tell the entire team to use less words in emails to the overseas office because it cost more.

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

Yeah, that coworker ... has he been getting into the Pot Tarts again?

So Hoop has a doggie fetish and doggie has a human fetish? Just as I would expect in the Tink house :)

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

"It doesn’t matter what page you turn the book to. It’s how many fingers you have to turn the pages with."

Somebody should go into the mountains, sit under the stars, roll a doobie and contemplate the meaning of that for a whole weekend.

Or, they could put that on a "deep thoughts" greeting card.

 
At 22 March, 2006, Anonymous sweatpantsmom said...

I can't wait till you're waiting for your dog in the vet's waiting room and they call out, "Who's waiting for Panty Eater?"

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger Iamadesigner said...

Very funny story-nice to have someone to share your belly fat with, right? That's hilarious.

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger FA said...

The drug ring sure had a wide variety of products for sale. They should have concentrated on some Girl Scout cookie variations to maximize their market share this time year. :)

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger eric said...

please tell me they made "weedles." not the regular kind, but the tropical flavor kind.

har ... i said "kind."

e+

 
At 22 March, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Mix three C-sections with a hatred of anything even resembling a sit-up, and I could've put you and Hoop together to shame with your so-called fat-grabbing.

 
At 23 March, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Must admit, I luuurve the Birthday Cake ice cream, although not as much as "Cake Batter" ice cream.

 
At 23 March, 2006, Blogger Odd Mix said...

I just love those "technically semi-litterate" coworkers. And I like the Birthday Cake Ice cream, too.

 

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