Trash Talk Revisited
1. Pardon me, Mr. Obvious Man. Maybe you were under the impression that I'm blind? I am a little klutzy sometimes. You can stop announcing that it's raining. I can see it. Not to mention I heard you say it the first, second, and third time around. But so help me God, if you continue to call it "Angel's Tears" I'm going to staple your fucking foot to the floor with my Swingline. Could you also stop reiterating that in the online gaming world you're a very powerful Warlock? Like your pasty white skin and beady eyes didn't scream NERD already. You could tell me you know how to shoot fire balls out of your eyes and I still wouldn't invite you out for beers.
2. Excuse me, fabulous boyfriend with an overactive clueless gene. Sex is not over just because you've spilled the Dong Water. This is not a self-service station. Tips are not appreciated unless they're in the form of head. So here's what I'm going to do... The next time I "catch one" before you, I'm going to slide off and lie down with a satisfied smile. Then I'm going to gripe about work while lazily running my fingers up and down your body. After about fifteen minutes of this I'm going to jump up and excitedly suggest we go out for food. Sound good? Why not? Sucks doesn't it, and not in the good way. FYI, the tab has been started. If you don't pay up soon I'm sleeping with the vibrator and YOU can have the little metal box in the closet.
3. Forgive me, foreign telemarketer. Someone needs to esplain how dees uh...uh...uh... what's de word? Ah yes, procedure works. I would normally hang up on you within the first .3 seconds of realizing that you're trying to sell me something. But when I can't even understand what you're saying, it's going to take me 39 seconds and cost four nerves more just to figure out that I'm not interested. You probably think this is a good thing right? You're wrong. The .3 second hang-up is quick and effective. The 39.3 second hang-up is the equivalent of playing Hot Potato with a hand grenade. Sometimes you'll leave unscathed. Most of the time you'll get an airhorn in your ear. You've been warned.
Daily Hoop Conversation:
*Points at a TV dinner in the freezer section*
Hoop: That looks better than the stuff you usually make.
Tink: Are you trying to tell me that frozen crap in a box will be better than the stuff I make from scratch?!
Hoop: You don't make it from scratch. It comes in a box too.
Tink: Hey, I add my own spices and cheeses to it!