Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Trash Talk Revisited

1. Pardon me, Mr. Obvious Man. Maybe you were under the impression that I'm blind? I am a little klutzy sometimes. You can stop announcing that it's raining. I can see it. Not to mention I heard you say it the first, second, and third time around. But so help me God, if you continue to call it "Angel's Tears" I'm going to staple your fucking foot to the floor with my Swingline. Could you also stop reiterating that in the online gaming world you're a very powerful Warlock? Like your pasty white skin and beady eyes didn't scream NERD already. You could tell me you know how to shoot fire balls out of your eyes and I still wouldn't invite you out for beers.

2. Excuse me, fabulous boyfriend with an overactive clueless gene. Sex is not over just because you've spilled the Dong Water. This is not a self-service station. Tips are not appreciated unless they're in the form of head. So here's what I'm going to do... The next time I "catch one" before you, I'm going to slide off and lie down with a satisfied smile. Then I'm going to gripe about work while lazily running my fingers up and down your body. After about fifteen minutes of this I'm going to jump up and excitedly suggest we go out for food. Sound good? Why not? Sucks doesn't it, and not in the good way. FYI, the tab has been started. If you don't pay up soon I'm sleeping with the vibrator and YOU can have the little metal box in the closet.

3. Forgive me, foreign telemarketer. Someone needs to esplain how dees uh...uh...uh... what's de word? Ah yes, procedure works. I would normally hang up on you within the first .3 seconds of realizing that you're trying to sell me something. But when I can't even understand what you're saying, it's going to take me 39 seconds and cost four nerves more just to figure out that I'm not interested. You probably think this is a good thing right? You're wrong. The .3 second hang-up is quick and effective. The 39.3 second hang-up is the equivalent of playing Hot Potato with a hand grenade. Sometimes you'll leave unscathed. Most of the time you'll get an airhorn in your ear. You've been warned.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
*Points at a TV dinner in the freezer section*
Hoop: That looks better than the stuff you usually make.
Tink: Are you trying to tell me that frozen crap in a box will be better than the stuff I make from scratch?!
Hoop: You don't make it from scratch. It comes in a box too.
Tink: Hey, I add my own spices and cheeses to it!

22 Comments:

At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Caller ID is a gift from heaven. I rarely even pick up my phone anymore if it's an unfamiliar number.

And #2 is hilarious. It's a good thing I didn't have to pee when I read it.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Odd Mix said...

I work with Mr. Obvious man, too. One of my other coworkers said, "His village keeps calling. They want to know where their idiot is."

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Mary said...

Ohhh is somebody having a shitty day?? You sound all cranky like, but I still laughed ;)

Hope your day improves, and I'll send you a present if you pull off #2....

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

TV dinners might LOOK better, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't TASTE better.

I feel relieved that I don't work with an online gaming Warlock - those people freak me out.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

Angels tears? Dong water? Hand grenades? Seriously girl, you should be a stand-up comic. You're KILLING ME. Julia's like, "What's so funny, Mummy?"

 
At 15 March, 2006, Anonymous gb said...

LOL!! LOL!! I can honestly say I have never heard it called "Dong Water" before. Now that was some funny shit!

Maybe if you just tell Hoop, he will let you invite a third into the group. Then, once he has spilled his dong water (LOL), he can sit back and watch you and Mr. Vibrator finish you off. There are a lot of men that love watching their better halves with a vibrator.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Arabella: I know, what's all this great technology good for if I won't invest in it? :)

Odd Mix: If that's true then all the villages must be sending their idiots here.

Mary: I love presents! hehe

Mrs. Harridan: You notice how they all taste like box? Mmmm. That's what I want for dinner, BOX.

Mama T: Killing you? Wait a second. I know I posted about zombie nose hairs and all, but I'm not ready to resurrect people.

GB: *Grumble grumble* Yeah, I guess that's a good solution. But I'm still happy stewing.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger eric said...

i don't know, if captain obvious could shoot fire out of his eyes, i'd at least have to pick his brain.

it's always fascinating to me how people who live in florida can be pasty white.

have you gotten on the no-call list? i haven't spoken with a telemarketer in at least a year.

what you say reminds me of that chick from 40 year old virgin who thinks he's a telemarketer.

"why don't you go run into a knife or something? yeah, bye. fuck your mother."

e+

 
At 15 March, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

A warlock? That's nothing I'M a Grand Wizardess.
I've always wanted to go to one of those gamers conventions for the people watching.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Peevish said...

1. Some of my social group are gamers. However, they at least have the grace to know that they are gamers and to only talk to other gamers about it. Also, they have social lives as well as online lives, and none of them are pasty white. They all have girlfriends, which I suspect helps! :)

2. Sometimes a smack upside the head is the only answer.

3. As soon as I pick up the phone and hear a connection being switched through from somewhere else, I hang up. We once had a telemarketer leave a recorded message on our answering machine telling us to call back for a fabulous deal. I swore a blue streak and deleted the message.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Jay said...

"Dong water?"

Another classic from Tink A.K.A. the Euphemism lady.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

DON'T staple his foot to the floor. Why would you want to fix it so that he can't leave? Try throwing the stapler instead...Maybe he'll go chase it.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

If rain is "Angel Tears," I wish they would stop crying. It's been raining in California for weeks. It is freaking cold here! It's California, folks! Where's the warm weather?

My son's swimming pool is almost filled and I have not put the hose in it once! At this rate, the Easter Bunny will be swimming to our house!

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

"Mrs. Harridan: You notice how they all taste like box? Mmmm. That's what I want for dinner, BOX."

Is that what Hoop was saying after reading #2?

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Oh oh, Hoop, get your act together!! #2 is The Unforgivable Curse...

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Good Lord, Hoop! Go down on your woman - she needs it bad!

And, Mr. Shoots Fire From His Eyes, you are still NOT cool. Tink will hurt you if you keep gophering at her cubicle.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Jess Riley said...

Haaaa!!!! "Spilled the dong water." You certainly have a way with words.

Does Hoop read the blog? :)

 
At 16 March, 2006, Blogger R. Robyn said...

Oh Tink. Whatever it is, you've got it. That's what keeps me coming back. That, and it only takes me a click, and if I don't like what I see I don't have to read it. Oh, and I don't have to actually GO anywhere.

 
At 16 March, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

Dong water? OMG. Coffee spew!

Oh, and GB's right... a little three-way with a vibrator is good, wholesome fun. ;)

 
At 16 March, 2006, Anonymous pearl drums said...

Just blogging for a while, my site is also about dw drumset, so just saying what's up.

Charles

 
At 16 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Eric: People in Florida are white because just like everyone else, we have to work for a living too. There is no time for sunbathing. That and we've seen the sharks in the water. We leave the tourists for them to snack on. :)

TB: Wizardess huh? It's always nice to have friends in powerful positions. Care to knock out a Warlock for me?

Peevish: I game too. But I don't live and breathe it like some of these people do. It's sad. Sad like online dating and hair transplants.

Jay: "Euphemism lady" Think I could make that my professional title? It would look great on my resume!

Gradual Gardener: GOOD point! I need people like you in my office to have my back.

Mignon: LOL. I should have KNOWN that one was going to be misconstrued.

Jess: No one I know in RL reads my blog... That I know of. Not that I'd mind. I just don't think they'd appreciate my choice in topics.

 
At 16 March, 2006, Blogger Dan said...

1. I'm thinking this is a coworker. There is no harm in being polite. I think it's better for a few seconds of harmless conversation then isolate him. It's safer too. If he's that weird he may not have any friends which is hard on a person.

2. You should talk to your boyfriend. It sounds important, and if you don't it will build up, you know.

2a. You mentioned in an earlier entry where you wanted him to go down on you, but he wanted his first. Sounds like the same issue.
Why not try mutual satisfaction, and 69 it.

If he has no interest, then you have a different kind of issue. Something is going on in his head.

 

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