Wednesday, March 01, 2006

If you can't say anything nice...

Blog your trash talk on the web.

1. Excuse me, gentleman picking his nose in the car beside me. I know we all do it, but could you at least have the decency to do it in private? I know I should look away as you inspect the nose spawn stuck to your finger, but you're taking up half my view. You don't even have tint on your windows. Do you understand that sitting in a car does NOT make you invisible?! I can see you. Over here. That's right. Smile and wipe that nasty shit on your crusty seats.

2. Pardon me, fantastic boyfriend with ill timing. Do you hear that ticking? It's my libido winding down. It's been told for the last seven hours that it was going to get fed. I don't mean to snap at you and act like I don't care about your day, but there are parts of my body that are wasting away. Shower? Ok... Dinner? It's cooking... Homework? I understand... What's that? You want some nookie before bed? I'm sorry, I can't help you there. My pussy died four hours ago. The funeral was at nine. All four vibrators attended.

3. Forgive me, my self-destructive friend. I'm too busy to pick your emotional shrapnel from my skin today. I'm too busy to play the "Uh huh" game as you ramble on about your problems. My answers seem to be made of air anyway. You breathe them in and then blow them out. What's that you say? The world is ending? According to you, it ended last week. What now? Your alcoholic boyfriend is drunk again? You don't say. I didn't know alcohol did that! What's wrong? I'm sorry. You must deposit five more cents. You didn't hear? That's my going rate now. Five cents per complaint.

4. Excuse me, elderly woman who dialed the wrong number. No, this isn't Verizon. I'm sorry your phone service sucks. You're calling from where? Massachusetts? This is a beer distributorship in Florida. I said a BEER distributorship in FLORIDA! You know, the shit that might make even you appealing at a bar? I don't know why you called us either. No, I can't help you with your phone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. Listen, you might want to try dialing that number again. I don't know why it didn't work the first time. Yes I'm sure this isn't a joke. Have a nice day.

Stressed? Take it out on...
Smilie Faces
Bubble Wrap
A Fish

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I'm sorry we fought.
Hoop: Me too.
Tink: Thank you for coming in here to get me.
Hoop: Thank you for not kicking me in the nuts when I did.

25 Comments:

At 01 March, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Tink, will you be my best friend?

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Oh man, I only got 33% on the smiley face thing. That did feel good too!!

The Bubble Wrap game could be my new addiction.

Don't you hate car nose pickers?? And people who call the wrong number and yet insist that it must be your problem, not theirs? Our number must be listed by some apartment complex somewhere (can we all thing Section 8 here?) and I get phone calls complaining about their apartment or they want to rent one.....drives me fuckin' nuts.

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

#2. "The funeral was at nine. All four vibrators attended..."

Bwa-ha-haaaaa!

Wiping. Tears. From. Eyes.

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger R. Robyn said...

i wanna be funny........! I'm jealous. Does it have anything to do with the not smoking? Cause I think I was a lot funnier back then too...

 
At 01 March, 2006, Anonymous gb said...

#2--Now that was funny!! If us men could only hear that libido ticking. Maybe if I was a super hero, that would be a power I could have. Then I (and my super hero wife) would be happy. A happy super hero is a good one!

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Hee hee to #2. Um, didn't Hoop notice there was some interesting activity going on?! :O

So, um, has your snappish mood passed? Mine seems better today, but man, yesterday, I was ripping apart a few coworkers just because.

Excellent Hoop conversation...

Disjointedly...

 
At 01 March, 2006, Anonymous gb said...

.......and all 4 vibrators attended?? Maybe YOU are a superhero!!??
;-)

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

TB: *Pout* I thought I already was. ;)

Debbie: What's worse is that I accidentally forwarded all of our night calls to the wrong cell number last night. It wasn't even an employee's phone. This poor stranger was getting our beer orders until 2am. I should have put myself on that rant list.

Queen Mama: The "Bunny" wrote a eulogy.

Robyn: Could be... Or the libido thing. Or the gross amount of fully leaded coffee I drank. I don't know what you're talking about anyway. You ALWAYS crack me up.

GB: I'm trying to visualize what your costume would look like. Hehe

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger FA said...

The old lady callers always kill me. I was the backup for a computer help(less) desk one day and got a call from an old lady asking me about cheese.

Umm, yeah, we don't make cheese.

Are you sure?

Quite.

Well I have celiac disease and can't eat anything with gluten in it...blah blah blah.

8 minutes later, I finally just told her none of the cheese we produced had gluten in it...oh god, I hope I didn't kill her. :)

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Chris: I feel much better today. Yesterday I spent my lunch doing that pointer-finger and thumb trick where you make it look like you're squishing everyone's heads.

Fa: LOL. Your company didn't produce the Swiss Model? I'm sure she was fine. You couldn't have done any more damage than she most likely ended up doing to herself.

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Oh, Tink, oh, Tink, oh, Tink...you have no idea how much I needed this. Thank you.

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger V said...

Haha! That was nice of you to not kick him in the nuts! :)
I have the same problem with my work number....it's really close to like a visiting nurses something from a hospital....so I always get old confused people calling. One today asked me if I could give him an ultrasound. Oye!

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

An old guy has been calling my house for the past three days wanting to know if his car is ready. No matter how many times I tell him I don't have his car, this is a private residence, etc, etc, he still calls back.

What is it with the picking-the-nose-in-the-car thing? You're completely surrounded by glass!

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

Four vibrators!! Like a little menage-a-cinq. Lucky you didn't blow a fuse. Or I guess you did! ;)

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger Odd Mix said...

I looked up the phone number for our local post office on the superpages. Called the number given. Got some poor woman at home. She had the post office's number memorized.

I called the post office and told them. They said "We haven't had that number in seven years."

SEVEN YEARS ?!?!?!?!?!?!?
a) has nobody (hello! Lady-with-the-number-memorized) told the post office in SEVEN YEARS that thier number is listed wrong?
b) has nobody told verizon?
c)does nobody care?
d) and Lady-with-the-number-memorized, why, in SEVEN YEARS haven't you gotten a new number?
:/rant:

Love the conversation. Was Hoop prepared with a cup when he came to get you? And do you have to wind up your libido to make it tick?

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Arabella: For you, anything.

V: At least it wasn't a Colonoscopy.

Gradual Gardener: I know! It's like Nose Pickers on display.

Mignon: LOL Well not all of them participated. Some just watched.

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Odd Mix: Evidently your arguement makes TOO MUCH sense. The rest of the world is having a hard time understanding. Maybe say it again backwards, in Yiddish, while jumping up and down on a pogo stick.

Weren't you reading? I had to wind up my libido for seven hours! Hence the funeral. ;)

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

Oh, Tink. I love you and your wit and sarcasm and your Hoop conversations.

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger EE said...

I...can't....breathe....LMAO!!!

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger Emily said...

lol, Tink...are you friends with my sister? Oh, wait...no she has no alcoholic boyfriend. He turned out to be married(but he hid it well, I guess, by only taking his wife to the Christmas party and not carting her around on his back all day). Oh, poor sis. She never carries exact change.

(Dude, and cars don't make you invisable?!? Crap! I'm not even going to get into the stuff I've been doing to myself in the driver seat!)

 
At 01 March, 2006, Blogger mrspao said...

Oooh bubble wrap! Excellent!

 
At 01 March, 2006, Anonymous roo said...

Timing really is everything, isn't it?

Huh. If people aren't disgusting, then they're idiots. Or both!

 
At 02 March, 2006, Blogger Foo said...

Holy cow... #3 was like poetry. "Emotional shrapnel"?

You're my newest hero.

 
At 02 March, 2006, Blogger Kell said...

You made my day, Tink. Thanks for the chuckle. Just great. Like useful group therapy!

 
At 08 March, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

What is a libido exactly...I am going to have to Google it...I just don't recall...You have 4?

 

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