If you can't say anything nice...
Blog your trash talk on the web.
1. Excuse me, gentleman picking his nose in the car beside me. I know we all do it, but could you at least have the decency to do it in private? I know I should look away as you inspect the nose spawn stuck to your finger, but you're taking up half my view. You don't even have tint on your windows. Do you understand that sitting in a car does NOT make you invisible?! I can see you. Over here. That's right. Smile and wipe that nasty shit on your crusty seats.
2. Pardon me, fantastic boyfriend with ill timing. Do you hear that ticking? It's my libido winding down. It's been told for the last seven hours that it was going to get fed. I don't mean to snap at you and act like I don't care about your day, but there are parts of my body that are wasting away. Shower? Ok... Dinner? It's cooking... Homework? I understand... What's that? You want some nookie before bed? I'm sorry, I can't help you there. My pussy died four hours ago. The funeral was at nine. All four vibrators attended.
3. Forgive me, my self-destructive friend. I'm too busy to pick your emotional shrapnel from my skin today. I'm too busy to play the "Uh huh" game as you ramble on about your problems. My answers seem to be made of air anyway. You breathe them in and then blow them out. What's that you say? The world is ending? According to you, it ended last week. What now? Your alcoholic boyfriend is drunk again? You don't say. I didn't know alcohol did that! What's wrong? I'm sorry. You must deposit five more cents. You didn't hear? That's my going rate now. Five cents per complaint.
4. Excuse me, elderly woman who dialed the wrong number. No, this isn't Verizon. I'm sorry your phone service sucks. You're calling from where? Massachusetts? This is a beer distributorship in Florida. I said a BEER distributorship in FLORIDA! You know, the shit that might make even you appealing at a bar? I don't know why you called us either. No, I can't help you with your phone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. Listen, you might want to try dialing that number again. I don't know why it didn't work the first time. Yes I'm sure this isn't a joke. Have a nice day.
Stressed? Take it out on...
Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I'm sorry we fought.
Hoop: Me too.
Tink: Thank you for coming in here to get me.
Hoop: Thank you for not kicking me in the nuts when I did.