Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Not ADvisable

Progress Report: $14.00 saved. 66 cigarettes not smoked. My head keeps telling me I want them, but my mouth is telling me they taste like ass now. It's funny. I used to tell people, "I smoke because I enjoy it. I don't feel the need to quit." I was so convinced this was a CHOICE. I never understood how hooked I'd become, how hard this would be, or how much I'd made my life revolve around them. I will be so happy when it's six months from now and I don't have to feel like this.

Thank you
Folioweekly for once again providing the blog fodder.

I Saw You:

BB'S BISTRO 1/28. Another option! I said, "Water with lemon or lime." You said, "I love it! She gives me options." You gave me just what I wanted: water with lime and magic. I'm shy, but you're beautiful. You're beautiful... It's true! She's quoting James Blunt lyrics and cheesing over a waiter who was probably just trying to get a decent tip. Where the hell's my "Clueless" stamp?

COZY BEAR, FLAME WEAR. You: Large tattooed man driving silver Toyota Prius with bumper sticker, "Yellowstone or Bust." Me: Listening to Paula Abdul on my iPod, eating bagel with mayo. We spoke at F.H. Riley's; I noticed your perfect diction. Grrrr!! Flame wear? Yellowstone? Bagel with MAYO?! The whole ad offends my sensibility.

CHEF W/ SHOE OBSESSION. At the market, me: very important person checking out pork chop. You: overly bruised chef scoping out the mackerel, quite faking the funk. Make it a Bic Mac day everyday. Besides, there are worse things you could do. I want to know, how does one fake the funk? Either you're funky or you're not. And where does the "shoe obsession" come into play? Why was the chef bruised? What's up with the McDonald reference? Was he a chef at McDonalds? Can they really be called chefs? I mean, all they do is heat up pre-packaged food all day. What's worse than that? Fucking ad.

Men Seeking Women:

ROMANTIC ROADKILL. 49-year old divorced Serge A. Storms wannabe seeking a special Sharon Rhodes to share some midlife mayhem. Take a chance, I'll bring the "Fix-a-Flat."
Who the hell are these people? I no longer think Google is all knowing.

KNIGHT DAZED. Armor rusted! Galahad bought horse! Left castle for mobile home kingdom. Single white male, 48, 6', 205, non-smoker seeks totally liberated, sensual, shapely, funny, adventurous, female for dangerous liaisons! "Aye sire, 'tis a wickedly wonderful wench I seek!" Me thinks ye need to lay off the mead sire.

Women Seeking Men:

BAD BOY FOR BAD GIRL. I'm a petite, easygoing, middle-aged Mom. I'm hard-working, energetic, and a social drinker. Looking for non-possessive and spontaneous man who is physically fit and financially secure. Rugged preferred. I never knew "Bad girl" and "middle-aged Mom" were synonyms!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: What's going on at the library this late at night?
Tink: An orgy.
Hoop: *Chokes on spit* Oh yeah?
Tink: They all have to dress up like authors.
Hoop: That could be interesting.
Tink: I'd want to be Faulkner.
Hoop: I'd want to be that one author.
Tink: Which one author?
Hoop: The really famous one that lived in Florida.
Tink: Um, ok?
Hoop: He had a six toed cat.
Tink: A six toed cat? I have NO earthly idea babe.
...
Tink: Hemingway?
Hoop: Yeah, that's it!
Tink: Wow, lucky guess.
Hoop: We'd be Faulkner and Hemingway.
Tink: You realize there is no library orgy of authors right?

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: I wish sperm was as addictive as cigarettes.
Tink: I bet you do.
Hoop: "What? You want to give me head AGAIN?"
Tink: Dream on.
Hoop: "But I'm tired! Oh OK. If you insist."
Tink: Shut up.
Hoop: "But after that we have to go to work, OK? We have to leave the house sometime."

20 Comments:

At 22 February, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

" I never knew "Bad girl" and "middle-aged Mom" were synonyms!"

Just you wait, honey...just you wait...heh-heh-heh...

Kidding! Well, maybe a little. Glad you're still cigarette-free! Way to go!

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

"Bagel with MAYO?!"

This was EXACTLY my reaction, and exactly what I was planning to post in your comments, down to the question mark followed by an exclamation point, before I read your responses in blue.

Just think....some of these people may meet up and procreate....(shudder).

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

Good job Tink! I'm so proud of you! (And yes, "bad girl" and "middle-aged mom" CAN go together. Take EE for example... LOL!) ;)

 
At 22 February, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Yikes! Cozy Bear Flame Wear - If she's listening to Paula Abdul, I seriously doubt there will be a love connection with a tattooed outdoorsman. But, who am I to judge?

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Thanks for the laughs - great Hoop conversations, alarming personal ads... and smoke-free to boot! :)

Hang in there.

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger V said...

I bet Hoop conversation #2 would be a lot more funny to you if you weren't in the middle of withdrawal....I can feel it....SHUT UP!

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Emily said...

Hoop convo #2 made me snort coffee out of my nose.

Damn...and its really freakin' hot. lol

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Queen Mama: I'm sorry. I just had this image of a biker chick in netted hose riding a bike with a baby on her hip. I have an overactive imagination.

Arabella: *Shudder* I would have snatched that icky mayo bagel from her hands and replaced it with a sun dried tomato one topped spinach and garlic spread. Mmmm.

Alien: True. EE is my IDOL. LOL

TB: It's ads like that one that seriously make me question the validity of this newspaper. Do people like this actually exist?!

Chris, V, and Emily: He definitely keeps me on my toes. Somedays he's the ONLY thing that keeps me sane. Laughter is the best medicine.

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Server Girl said...

congrats on not smoking and that is HILARIOUS that u are putting the "i saw u's" on your blog...i always read those because they are so darn funny. Saw u on someone elses blog...i am gonna start visiting your blog now :)

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

Bagel with mayo?

*barf*

That's just wrong, on so, so many levels.

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger geenalyn said...

um...i like bagels with mayo...they make good sandwiches...throw some turkey and lettuce in it and its awesome :)

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

"I noticed your perfect diction! Grrr!"?????
"I'll bring the Fix-a-flat"?????

Who are these people????

You know, we should start making up our own ads & submitting them to the paper. Could be fun!

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Peevish said...

Heehee! Millions of men would pay billions of dollars for reasearch into making that particular substance addictive!

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I am the original Bad Girl, Middle Aged Hot Sexy Mom. Yes, I have very high self esteem. What? those aren't crows feet, they are laugh lines.

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Jess Riley said...

Your Hoop conversations are priceless.

Also, "Very important person checking out pork chop?" LOL...that just tickled my funny bone. My PORK CHOP bone.

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

I made the mistake of telling your convo#2 to my husband and now he likes to pretend sperm is addictive and chocolatey-flavored. I'm worried he's going to do some creative flavoring of my yoghurt or something.

 
At 22 February, 2006, Blogger Brooke said...

I can't pick a favorite...woman, you need to be a sit-com writer.

 
At 23 February, 2006, Blogger mE said...

"Bad Girl" apparently is synonymous with "Gets drunk every night and must be carried home."

And what's with expecting all that in a woman when you are 48 and living in a trailer home? Yah, right. "You and the horse you rode in on... no, wait, that was Repo'd, right?"

You are doing great with the Great Smoke Free Project - I'm really proud of you! Are you thinking about starting knitting yet? I know a few people who might reward you with wooly goodness for your efforts...
;D

~Eileen

 
At 23 February, 2006, Blogger R. Robyn said...

I'm sorry I was so negative yesterday! I was needing a fix! But lucky for you, I updated rocketrobyn!

 
At 26 February, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Hey, what's the pirate's contact info....you know, just in case I make a spontaneous trip across the country, without my kids or husband?

I don't wish sperm were addictive or I's have lock jaw and I don't want to explain that one to my dentist.

Way to go with the not smoking!

 

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