Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Cleanup On Isle 8

Hoop and I had fully intended to go grocery shopping last night. Unfortunately, porking out at an all-you-can-eat buffet does little for your grocery shopping motivation. The closest we came to a supermarket was stopping at the adult one on the way home. That's right. Some people aren't satisfied enough with a shop, they have to build a whole SUPERMARKET dedicated to the stuff. I had meant for the experience to be funny, as visits to "toy" shops usually are.

I should have known something was off when the guy behind the counter looked like the
Michelin Man, minus legs. As two male customers from the back turned toward us, I realized I was probably the first female in ages to enter these doors. Despite the plastic phalluses on the walls, the majority of the room was filled with rows and rows of girl-on-girl videos.

Hoop and I walked around doing the obligatory, "What's that for?" and "Look honey, a midget blowup doll!" All the while I felt the eyes of the other customers scrutinizing us. The other shops I'd ventured into, usually with girlfriends while skipping school, had been filled with people giggling as unabashed clerks walked around describing how things worked. There was no laughing in this place. The people that came here meant business.

After ten minutes of heavy silence I turned to Hoop and asked if he wanted to leave. "This place creeps me out," I whispered to him. "Seems normal enough to me," he whispered back as we headed toward the door. As we were leaving, a gentleman held the door open for us before entering. He smiled, making full eye contact. "Have a great night!" Hoop shuddered.

Hoop: We are never going back there again.
Tink: Thank you!
...
Tink: Wait... Why?
Hoop: That guy made eye contact with us. Guy code strictly states, two guys in a porn shop do NOT acknowledge each other.
Tink: Oh-kay then...

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: *Points to a woman at the buffet* Would you like me in a sundress like that?
Hoop: Sure! We'll run out to Goodwill tomorrow and get you one just like it.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Do you know what we used to call lips like Angelina Jolie's?
Hoop: "Dick sucking lips?"
Tink: Exactly. Or "DSL" for short.
Hoop: Which makes DSL internet have a whole new meaning.
Tink: "Excuse me. Can I use your DSL?"
Hoop: "I would like DSL over here."
Tink: "I have DSL at work."
Hoop: "How fast is your DSL?"
Tink: The best part is, we're not really talking dirty.

Hoop and Tink One-Liners:
1. Hoop: Move your hands further apart! What are you playing, Air-Guitar or Air-Ukulele?"
2. Tink: I knew you were hiding there. I screamed to make you feel better.
3. Hoop: You're not interested in naming your daughters stripper names are you?

20 Comments:

At 14 March, 2006, Blogger V said...

A supermarket? Wow...now that's some over-achievment for a little town....isn't it? You didn't even pick up some cucumbers? (hardy har har....i know...dork!)

 
At 14 March, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Why is it that crazy weird sex shops like that are always in out of the way places? Is it because all the freaks live out in the middle of nowhere?
Or is it because all the normal people like you and Hoop who occasionally like to get freaky don't want anyone to see them doing their "shopping" so they put the stores far away from the suburbs.
Or is it that all the mainstream sex shops know they can make more money in more urban areas?
OR is it that the type of people who are inclined to open weird freaky sex shops live in out of the way places to begin with?

Those are the kind of stores where I'm afraid to touch anything, let alone buy anything because you really don't know where it's been.

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

V: This place is quite literally in the middle of nowhere to. Cucumbers huh? You're so kinky. LOL

TB: LMAO. Right?! Not that I expected an adult store of any kind in any location to be "classy" but this place was outright scary.

*****
Looking over the themes of my most recent posts I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being too graphic.

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

*wipes tears from eyes*

Too funny.

Heh, we have a progressive sex shop in town. In face, it's about 8 blocks away. They even have open knitting on Sunday mornings...

You might not want to open the Smitten Kitten website if you're at work. :)

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger Foo said...

Often, as I'm driving down some interstate highway, I notice one of those big A-frame buildings with "XXX" painted on the roof (closely preceded by the fluorescent green and orange billboard that reads "YOU ARE GOING TO HELL"). Right there next to the highway. The only building in sight.

It always strikes me that someone would have to have a big set of brass ones to stop and go inside. Kind of like those horror movies you were talking about.

Somewhere, I imagine there would be someone screaming at her TV screen, "YOU IDIOT! DON'T GO IN THERE!! DON'T YOU KNOW THEY'RE GERBIL RANCHERS?!"

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

The Hoop conversations killed me. LMAO.

My best friend and I went into a sex store once to get her a little something, and the woman working was totally trying to get us to buy like, dental dams and strap-ons because she thought we were a couple. She was so overbearing we had to leave, LOL.

And I'm LOL that you guys didn't go grocery shopping because you were stuffed. You know when the worst time is to grocery shop? When you're baked.

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

There's one of those that we drive by everytime we go to my parents in another state. Its named my initials Adult Store. My husband always, always has to point out "Look honey, there's your store." It really wasn't funny the first time and STILL isn't.

I love the DSL thing and has now changed the meaning of those three little letters forever!

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger Odd Mix said...

I like the Air-banjo and Air-Mandolin, personally.

 
At 14 March, 2006, Anonymous gb said...

Tink-you are not being too graphic. That is why we love you and your DSL!! Ha Ha!!

Hoop is right, there is a certain protocol to be followed. It always makes me NERVOUS when some guy makes eye contact and starts talking to me. My cheeks clinch-up!!

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger EE said...

LOL at ALL of the Hoop conversations. The whole DSL thing....awesome.

Nope, not too graphic!

Katherine- I was just washed over by so many memories. LMAO....yes grocery shopping while baked IS bad. Very bad. And expensive (bc you bought alllll the wrong things).

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Oh, how I've missed you, Tink!

Do you know about Babeland? It's an adult toystore for women, designed to avoid women having to go into places like the one you described!

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Chris: A sex shop with knitting sessions?! I think I've heard it all now.

Foo: Gerbil Ranchers! Oh man that's funny stuff.

Mama T: *Snort* Dental Dams! High shopping of any sort is bad news. I once bought $300 worth of groceries, a bikini two sizes too small, and a woodburning kit all in one day.

Debbie: You should mention that you're buying a funnier husband with the money you're making off the shop. ;)

Odd Mix: I have a pretty mean Air-Piano too.

GB: LOL. Thanks... I think.

EE: It's not so much the "wrong" things as too many of the "right" ones. I bought 12 boxes of cornbread on that $300 trip. 12! Did I mention I lived alone?

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Arabella: No, but if I had I'd have been promoting it!

 
At 14 March, 2006, Blogger eric said...

you know those guys masturbated to you after you left. they haven't seen a real woman in years, i bet.

that eye-contact thing has to be about as bad a code-breaker as not keeping your eyes straight on the wall when you're urinating next to someone.

e+

 
At 14 March, 2006, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

Hoop cracks me up.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger R. Robyn said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one that has made jokes about DSL. Finally, some else as brainy and perverted as me!

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Rock said...

Guycode is important - it is real -(and it it needs to be interpreted from time-to-time) but it is something to be seriously heeded.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Foo said...

Here's another example of the guy code:

A long-time friend and his wife (an even longer-time friend) were in town yesterday, and after a nice dinner and visit, we were saying our goodbyes. I hugged his wife and then stuck out my paw for a shake. He decided a guy hug was more in order, but then apparently felt a little awkward and grabbed my butt to make a joke (I hope) of it.

"I didn't really want a hug," he said. "I just couldn't resist getting a piece of that sweet ass."
"That's okay," I replied. "I just farted on your hand."

Guy Code.

 
At 15 March, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

Every time Jim and I have a mildly amusing conversation I try to mentally store it away and it vanishes amidst the debris up there. And if, by chance, I can remember it as I'm writing a post, I think, this doesn't even compare to the Hoop'n'Tink Show.

 
At 19 March, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

I would have felt weird in that place, too. Men just don't believe in subtly when it comes to their porn and toys. I wanna check out the place Arabella mentioned.

 

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