Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Media Roast

Marketing is a tricky business. Most of the time it's a hit or miss field with very little room between big successes and big failures. You're successful if you can make people stop, laugh, think, or most importantly remember. You're a failure if you make them want to rake their own ears and eyes out with a plastic spork (or foon if you like). Fortunately we don't have any of those around, because I'd be spork and fooned to death by now.

"Look who we have our Hanes on now!" Are you TRYING to insult me by making the focus a bunch of perfect-bodied female dancers parading around in their underwear? I don't want to look at a close up of some woman's abs. How about throwing a few men in there? Give me something to look at that doesn't make me compare myself to a bowl of jello and some soggy oranges. Unless you are saying that your clothes are magic and will miraculously make me look like your models, I want pictures of normal/average looking women. Women who don't make Hoop turn to me and say, "Can you bend like that?"

How about that radio ad where a man is comparing his fiance to McDonalds in their WEDDING VOWS? I switch the station every time it comes on. How's that for marketing? You caught my attention, now I'm turning you off. Another example is a local radio ad that causes me to have spontaneous Tourettes every time it airs. The main lines are, "Says who? Says YOU." They're repeated over and over again by the same horrible actor. The only deviation from this monotone monologue is when he speaks with "four donut balls in his mouth."

"Is it in you?"
Gatorade advertises. Whatever it is that makes people hatch out of sports equipment like fucking dinosaurs I DONT WANT. It's even more disturbing than the commercials of people sweating colored liquid. When I first saw it I thought, "Are they bleeding lime green?!" I'm not saying you should start throwing in ponies and little kids having tea parties here. But for Christ sake, at least make your ads watcher friendly. Like this one... Bud Light Secret Fridge. I'm still laughing.

Search Terms: As promised to
(All the terms that people put into search engines that somehow or another bring them here)
1. Receipts for pickled sucker fish
2. Picture of boyfriend wearing a french maid outfit
3. Snoopdogs language
4. Fa Kyu
5. Boobless
6. Meredith Gray's lips
7. Kosher Corndog
8. Kick a rapist


At 05 April, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Aaaahhhh! Not a cliffhanger. Your dialogue is seamless. Such a great story.

At 05 April, 2006, Blogger V said...

But yuh gotta love the Wart commercial, right? Though...I guess their marketing isn't TOO good b/c I can't even remember what it's for...but you know..."Wart Remover....Wart Remover....Wart Remover....Wart Remover....Wart...Wart...Wart...Wart...Wart..."
I swear to myself that I won't laugh everytime, but apparently, I'm easily amused. :)

At 05 April, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...


What about those commercials for that drug that helps with overactive bladders? "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!"

At 05 April, 2006, Blogger EE said...

The old Gatorade commercial where they sweat color *always* grosses me out.

What about the one for indegestion or whatever, where they are in a line doing the Conga or whatever and each one has a seperate "problem"...farting, burping, stomach pain. It's just repulsive. Don't sing about that shit. LOL

At 05 April, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

TB: *Blush* Thank you!!

V: I just saw that one last night. It's pretty good... for Walmart. *Grumble grumble* ;)

Arabella + EE: Bodily functions should not be advertised. Period. We know what we need! You're not going to see a commercial for Pepto and think, "Wow, I should run out and get me some of THAT."

At 05 April, 2006, Blogger Odd Mix said...

I LOVE the Secret Fridge. And DoT is getting better each time.

Everytime I see the Bowflex ad with the "50 year old grandmother" I wonder if the purchase price includes the fake boobs.

At 05 April, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Wait, how did I miss the pictures of Hoop in a French maid's uniform?? ;)

At 05 April, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

I HATE that commercial for toenail fungus stuff where the cartoon fungus is digging under a toenail. OMG, I want to vomit every time.

My favorite commercials are still the credit card commercials... "What's in your wallet?" ones. The ones with David Spade and the chubby dude. And the ones where the family goes skiing in summer, etc. I freakin' LOL every stinking time I see 'em.

At 06 April, 2006, Blogger Melissa said...

I hate all those Hanes commercials! Hate them!

Hey, Alien, what about the one with the mucus man, who moves into someone's lungs and then gets evicted when he gets coughed up? I swear I want to throw up when I see that one.

At 06 April, 2006, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

I want to see Hoop in the french maid's costume, too. Was that and "boobless" from the same post?

At 06 April, 2006, Blogger Cheryl said...

Foo hates the toenail commercial with Digger too! He cringes when it comes on and must look away. He also hates that bumble bee with allergies -- gives him the willies. Something about that bee and the voice brings about visions of scary monsters for him, I guess.

Any commercial that makes me laugh gets my vote! My favorite is the Geico gecko. I love that cute little guy with the accent. He's so life like and the accent gets me every time.

At 06 April, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Oh, re: marketing - check out this marketing faux pas.

At 06 April, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

Alien, I'm totally with you on the toenail commercial. Like nails on a chalkboard, that one is.

I had a search result that was something like "naked sharing frat boy's underwear". Hmmm, and they found MY blog. Nice.

At 06 April, 2006, Blogger Mignon said...

What about the Capitol 1 add where the guy's paying bills and a giant monster is about to attack him until he pulls out his C1 card (or something). The giant monster shrinks down to the size of a thumb and the guy stuffs him onto the end of his pencil. Stuffs him right up his arse.

Did you see Hoodwinked? Did I ask you already? Your writing and dialogue is phat like that! (yes, yes, I know. 33-year-old white women should never say phat.)

At 06 April, 2006, Blogger Jess Riley said...

Oh, there are too many inane commercials out there. Far, far too many.

Snoop Dogg's language, boobless, kosher corndog, and Meredith Gray's lips...what's going on over here? LOL

At 07 April, 2006, Blogger R. Robyn said...

The colored sweat ads Gatorade put out, ew. When I first saw them, I didn't realize it was sweat, I thought they were bleeding. I couldn't understand how bleeding athletes was a marketing technique.

At 07 April, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Hate the Gatorade commercial. Too scary and too freaky. I ain't putting that shit in me.


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