Friday, August 31, 2007

Modern Day Prince

I may hate our house. But I do love my other half. Hoop and I attended a dinner last night at one of the most fancy restaurants in town. His regional manager was buying and all of Hoop's coworkers were guaranteed to attend. The significance of such a dinner was not lost on me. So I dug through my limited wardrobe for something nice to wear and came up with...


Actually, I found a badly rumpled skirt and about five long sleeve blouses. LONG SLEEVE blouses. I'd like to say that they originated from a time when I didn't live in Florida. But I can't. I moved here eleven years ago. "I'm not going," I told Hoop. "Why? You look gorgeous!" He said, eyeing the clothes I'd thrown on for work. "I look like I work at Walmart!"

When I started with this company they requested all office personnel wear casual dress clothes. It didn't take long for me to realize that they meant anything not made out of jeans or bearing another company's logo. The few times I've worn a skirt, everyone panics and assumes I have a job interview. So over the years my clothes have dwindled down to a few nice dress pants and a bunch of solid colored t-shirts from Target.

One t-shirt wears out, I buy another. It's easy and there's no need for color coordination. Everything goes with black, brown, tan, or white. I didn't start buying bright colored t-shirts until someone asked me if I was going to a funeral, and I wasn't. The outfit I was wearing yesterday was a pair of chewed up black boots, a pair of nice gray slacks, and a blue shirt with faint bleach stains on it.

I was mortified at the thought of showing up to the fancy dinner dressed that way. "We'll figure something out," Hoop said before leaving. I knew "figure it out" meant me having to spend my lunch knee deep in the Outlet sale racks. So it came as a surprise when Hoop called at lunch to ask my shoe size. "I found the most gorgeous dress! You're going to love it," he said. "I think they have shoes that will match."

Any scepticism I might have had was diminished by the elation I felt at having Hoop take up the cause. I knew in that moment that I was going to wear whatever he bought, no matter what it looked like, proudly and without hesitation. "You're buying shoes too?" "They have a pair that match it perfectly." "But what if they don't fit?" "I'll buy two sizes and take back the one that doesn't work."

Beaming, I ran off to get some nail polish and gloat to anyone who would listen. Two hours later, Hoop called back. "The girls at work say it's not a dress." "It's not a dress?" "No, they say it's a shirt and now I'm worried that it's going to be too short." I had to laugh. The ladies Hoop work with are quite a bit bigger than me. "It'll be fine." Hoop hung up feeling reassured. I hung up hoping I was right.

At 5:30 I started to worry. Hoop and I had agreed to meet halfway between his work and mine at a truck stop. If the dress ended up being too short, I was out of luck. When Hoop pulled up he looked anxious. "Here you go," he said, handing me the bag. The dress (it WAS a dress) was beautiful. "Do you like it?" "I love it!" Bag in hand, I rushed to the bathroom to change.

Not wanting to walk barefoot in a public restroom, I waited until we got back to the car to switch shoes. As I exited the stall wearing the beautiful dress, black combat boots and white socks, a woman stopped to admire. "That's an... interesting outfit." She was obviously jealous. Not everyone can pull off a G.I. Jane combo. Hoop glowed as I rounded the corner. I never thought it possible, but I think I loved Hoop even more in that moment.

The dinner went really well. We ate a gross amount of food and thoroughly enjoyed the company and good conversations. After dinner, Hoop dropped me off at the truck stop to pick up my car. I'm sure that was a sight. A woman exiting a man's car at a truck stop wearing really nice clothes? Hm. I didn't really think about it until several loitering truckers turned to stare. I could practically hear the tongue wagging.

Fortunately, my shoes weren't of the appropriate "Come Fuck Me" height, so no one bothered me on the short walk to the car. Having worked with truckers, I'm familiar with the term "Lot Lizard." Truckers are also good for jokes. Especially jokes involving blondes or Michael Jackson. How do you know it's bedtime at Neverland Ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand. Ha ha ha. *Groan*

After picking up my car we drove to the grocery store. Hoop's office is having a pot luck tomorrow and he was put in charge of dessert. As we pulled into the parking lot I realized I hadn't taken any pictures at dinner. Even worse, no one had taken a picture of Hoop and I all dolled up. So I stopped the nearest couple leaving the store. "Could you please take a picture of us?" The woman looked absolutely confused.

"Picture?" "Yeah. We just left a fancy party and I realized no one took a picture of us in our nice clothes." "You want a picture?" I nodded and handed her the camera. "You want a picture in front of the grocery store?!" Apparently she wasn't getting the question. I had asked if she would mind taking a picture, NOT if she approved of the idea. She finally took one. "Thanks!" I yelled as she quickly fled from me.

It was then that I noticed she'd taken a picture of our heads. Fortunately, I was able to find another person who understood my instructions. They were no less confused, mind you, but at least they didn't ask too many questions. So here you have it, a picture of Hoop and I all dressed up. Don't you love my outfit? Hoop did so well! I think I'm going to have him pick out ALL my clothes. How's that sound, Hoop?

Have a great three day weekend! I'll see you guys on Tuesday.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

To The House

You win.

I am defeated.

I'm completely out of patience and soon I'll be out of money.

I don't know what I ever did, besides buy you, to warrant such hostility. Don't you like the improvements? Was that shade of blue not to your liking? I'm sorry. I had such high hopes that we could be friends. But each time I get comfortable in you, almost at the precise moment I think we're getting somewhere, you thwart me. My list of repairs is now thirty-seven bullets long and growing. The money and time involved in each task makes me want to curl up and cry. But what's money or time to a house, right? You have no need for either.

What do you want then, hell-house? What have you not already drained from me? I dream about burning you to the ground. Fleeing. Passing you off to the first person who shows an interest. These thoughts just aren't normal. We should be on the same side, you and I. Instead I go home to your termite infested walls and try to pretend that I don't know you. I'm just renting. This nightmare isn't mine. I'm such a great judge of character! The house I bought was warm and beautiful. Someone must have switched it in the night. Then I wake up and you're there.

So I quit.

Do whatever the hell you want.

(If anyone needs me, I'll be in the carboard box on the beach.)

Your exasperated owner.

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Rinse and Repeat

One of these days I'll write a post with some SUBSTANCE.

Not today though.

Maybe tomorrow.

Around The Water Cooler:
Sales Rep: Good-bye! It was nice working with you.
Tink: Good-bye?
Sales Rep: I put in my notice today.
Tink: Where are you going?
Sales Rep: Arizona.
Tink: Did you find a good job there?
Sales Rep: Nope. I think I'll wait a few months.
Tink: How do you plan on LIVING while you're there?
Sales Rep: Remember my wife?
Tink: The woman who put a restraining order on you. How could I forget?
Sales Rep: She moved there last week.
Tink: Weren't you in the process of divorcing her?
Sales Rep: I think everything will be a lot better now that her kids are gone.
Tink: Where'd they go?
Sales Rep: She gave custody to their father and hauled ass out of town.
Tink: Sounds like a lovely woman.
Sales Rep: Now she has a cushy job as a nurse in Arizona. She said she'll pay for everything if I decide to move there with her.
Tink: And you believed her?
Sales Rep: I know. I'm a fool for love.
Tink: A fool for something.
Sales Rep: By the way, you wouldn't happen to be heading down town for lunch would you?
Tink: What happened to your car?
Sales Rep: I woke up this morning and the Saturn was gone. Repossessed. Apparently, the wife forgot to make payments on it.
Tink: What happened to your Mustang?
Sales Rep: She has it.
Tink: You never got it back?!
Sales Rep: No, but she says she'll give me the keys once I'm in Arizona.
Tink: *Open mouth stare*
Sales Rep: What?
Tink: Get out of my office-
Sales Rep: That bad?
Tink: -NOW.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
Get a huge COCK But how would I fit in my pants?
Dude, what if your wife finds this?
I have a wife? Sweet! Make me pancakes, wench.
Dude you're gonna get caught, lol. Not if I kill you before you tell, lol.
Where did you hook up with that? Walmart. Their merchandise isn't the only thing that's cheap.
OMG, what are you thinking I'm thinking... What if I stopped shaving my toes?
So what you say Twprigge How did you know my elven name?

Around The Water Cooler 2:
Tink: Didn't you used to smoke?
Coworker: Yeah. I quit about two years ago.
Tink: What did you use to quit?
Coworker: Use?
Tink: Yeah. Like, gum, the patch, meds...
Coworker: I didn't use anything. I just stayed busy.
Tink: That's all?
Coworker: Mostly I just masturbated.
Tink: No wonder you're so happy!
Coworker: That's the trick. You need to find something to do when you get a craving that will make you forget about smoking all together. Something fun.
Tink: Like drinking?
Coworker: ...or sucking on a mint!

Btw: Despite the fact that I haven't responded to many of your comments lately, I DO read them and enjoy them immensely. It's what gets me through my days. So, thank you! Because of you, I haven't been carted off to the nut house yet.

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Sunday, August 26, 2007

Tinkzilla Vs. The Candy Lego Robot

Tinkzilla wins.

Picture made possible by the wonderful and talented
Nettie. Thanks for sending the care package! You completely made my week.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I got you something.
Tink: You did?
Hoop: Uh huh.
Tink: What is it?
Hoop: A package from "The Shoe Whore." (Nettie)
Tink: Aw- Hey!

Movie Review
The Invasion - I had high hopes for this movie. In an era of gorror films, horror-suspense is hard to find. The cast looked good. The theme was a classic. So how did they screw it up? Halfway through the movie I realized I didn't care about ANY of the characters, including Carol Bennell's adorable little boy, Oliver. If anything, Hoop and I started to root for the aliens. They seemed way cooler and more civilized than the humans. Peace on earth? Awesome! Telepathy? Sign me up! Hoop and I give this movie one out of five sporks.

Behind Closed Eyes (Dream):
I decided to attend a roofing class so Hoop and I could save a little money by repairing our roof ourselves. Only, the "class" turned out to be a three day seminar for already established roofers. I tried to blend in, but they singled me out on the first day. The biggest insult was when no one would pick me for the Timed Shingle Relay Race.

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Friday, August 24, 2007

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Men can get turned on playing video games.

So sue me if I need a little more than that.

I was horny on the way home yesterday. Horny enough to call Hoop and prepare him for the mauling he was going to get when I got there. Then I had to stop at CVS and wait twenty minutes for a prescription. When I pulled into the driveway, still horny, I saw the empty trash cans by the side of the road. I was a little less horny by the time I'd dragged them to the garage.

Then I looked through the window on the way in. I could see Hoop's video game on the big screen. "Thanks for bringing up the trash cans, babe." "Sorry about that," He mumbled while shooting an alien. I paused at the table, waiting to be rushed to the bedroom or at the very least receive a "hello" kiss. When nothing happened, I trudged to the kitchen for food.

"We have thirty minutes until we have to leave for the movie!" I shouted toward his back. "What do you want to eat?" He stood up, controller still in hand, and said. "Hold on. I'm almost done." I closed the cabinet in defeat. "There's nothing quick to eat." Hoop rushed over to lovingly nuzzle on my neck. "I know what I'm hungry for," he mumbled into my hair. "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." "What's that?" "You."

Sweet, no?

"I don't think so," I grumbled, pushing him away with my elbows. Hoop barely spoke to me the rest of the night, choosing instead to fume in silence. I tried to coax him out with light conversation, but the damage had already been done. His own girlfriend had turned Cock Tease on him. *Snort* Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a little romp in the sack now and then. OK, OK, I'd have it every day if there were time.

But that doesn't mean I can turn my libido on like a switch. I need some attention! Bait the tiger, so to speak. That's where men and women differ. Men like the end result. Women like the journey there. So where's a good middle ground? I'm exasperated. What do you do (or have done) to spice things up? Got any funny sex stories? What's your biggest turn on/off? Break the rules and dish.

Comment anonymously if you want, but I'm going to call you something "dirty" if you do. You've been warned.

P.S. I would also like it to be known that Hoop and I are fine. I realize this wasn't something I should have necessarily been mad about. It just sparked an interesting topic about sex and the difference between men and women.

Twisted (Tink) has been updated with another revised chapter, "The Other Side." Only one more revision to go before the new chapters start! Thank you all for your patience. You've been WONDERFUL.

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

Why Not To Buy A House

(Reason #249)

The house was completely quiet as I exited the bathroom last night.

It was in that stillness that I noticed a very faint noise.

It sounded like... rice crispies.

"What the hell?" I thought. "Maybe I'm just hungry." But it bothered me. So I stood still for a moment trying to figure out where it was coming from. Leaning into the open door, I followed the sound to the door frame. It was definitely coming from there. So I leaned toward the other side. Nothing. Back to the right. There it was again.

"Hoop!" I yelled. "The door frame is making noises!" He came and pressed his ear to the door as I'd instructed. "How did you hear that?!" "I don't know. Doesn't it sound like rice crispies?" "Yeah. Weird." Then he started pressing on the wood. It gave under his fingers like a sponge. "Oh no!" I moaned as he ripped a chunk of it from the wall.


I could actually HEAR the termites munching on our house.

If that doesn't gross you the fuck out, I don't know what will.

Tink Quote Of The Day:
My gynecologist told me I have perfect breasts. Isn't that nice?

Not Far From The Tree:
Papa Bear: Do you remember how your Mom said she used to get back at her brothers for picking on her?
Tink: Yeah. She ratted on them for things they didn't do.
Papa Bear: Well, Lil Bit has started doing that to Big Bit and me.
Tink: What, ratting on you?
Papa Bear: Yeah! It's really starting to piss me off.
Tink: Ok. You do realize you're the PARENT, right?

P.S. Thank you all for the moral support in my job search! I haven't quit my job yet. I'm just searching at the moment. Unfortunately, like the housing market, the job market has fallen flat on its face around here. I have impeccable timing. With my luck, I'll buy stocks the same day the market crashes too.

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I'm The New Ringleader

There's nothing quite like job hunting to make you feel completely worthless.

I applied for a Training Coordinator/HR Assistant position with the state about five days ago. Everyone kept telling me it was a waste of time. Florida law requires they post all job openings, but usually someone from within gets the position. Most times they have a candidate picked out before the notice even goes up. So I wasn't surprised when a day later I received an email saying the position had been filled. The following day I received a phone call saying they needed to ask me some questions to continue my application process.

Despite being confused, I was excited to still be in the running. But my expectations for actually getting the job were still pretty low. There was an email of decline in my box last night. "No biggie," I thought. That is, until I actually READ it. "I am contacting to say that you are not qualified for this position. Feel free to apply for another position that you are qualified for." Wait. What? Training Coordinator/HR Assistant is the position I have NOW. I'm not qualified?! I'm not qualified for the same work I've been doing for three and a half years... Ouch.


It appears I need a change of direction. So I've dug around in my head and come up with the one job I KNOW I'm qualified for. A Circus Employee! I'm great at juggling projects. I work really well around a bunch of nuts. *Ahem* I have a pair of pants that remind me of a circus tent. My boss won't have to worry about inter-company relationships because clowns scare the shit out of me. I'm not allergic to lions, elephants, or trick ponies. I'm little, so fitting in that tiny car will be no problem. As long as I'm the last one in and the first one out. Claustrophobia and clowns. *Shudder*

I'm flexible. I can touch my nose with my toes! I'm not scared of heights, unless it involves ropes or rope bridges of any kind. I was the swinging champion back in third grade. I leapt off six whole feet! I totally whooped Lindsay H.'s ass. I have awesome balance, unless the object I'm balancing on is moving or smaller than the span of my foot. Ummm. Uh. Oh who am I kidding! The state is right. I'm completely talentless. I mean, they would know right? They're in charge of taxes, the police force, road construction, traffic lights... And we all know those things are perfect.

Fucking Bastards.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
"Ring Ring, The phone"
I'm sorry, my email didn't come with a phone.
"Answer the phone" I can't!
"Can you get the phone?" Fine, I'll pretend. Hello?
"Women like big ones" That's what you called me about?
"Please Confirm" That depends on how big we're talking. If it's the difference of gherkins or cucumbers, well...

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Monday, August 20, 2007

The Red Carpet


And the awards go to...


Scottsdale Girl

Orhan Kahn



The Simpsons Movie:
I've anticipated a Simpsons movie ever since I was a kid. Now that they've finally made one, I don't really care anymore. They waited too long. "I think this is the end of an era," Hoop said as we left the theater. That's what it felt like too, the end. Not that I was expecting a huge blockbuster or anything, come on it's the SIMPSONS, but I expected something more than what was delivered. It felt like a really long and somewhat dull episode. Hoop and I agree, they should have left it on the TV. Two out of five sporks.

Bourne Ultimatum
There aren't any surprises here. Jason Bourne is pissed and he's out to get information. True to Bourne form, the movie was filled with good stunts and tricky situations. The end tied up loose strings and we all left the theater satisfied. The only problem I had with this movie was the filming. Like in
"Ocean's Twelve", they didn't seem to use a stand for the camera. The shots were jerky/shaky. At one point the main characters stopped moving and the camera kept doing circles around their faces. Blech. Motion sickness.Three out of five sporks.

Stardust Beautiful. Funny. Clever. "The Princess Bride" of the new age. Its only flaw is that I didn't write it. I was sceptical when I heard that Robert De Niro was playing a pirate. Then again, my opinion might have been colored by Johnny Depp, the man who makes criminals look good. But I'm telling you now, NO ONE could have played the part better. Five out of five sporks.

Rush Hour 3
The best part of the movie were the bloopers during the end credits. For that alone I might recommend seeing this movie. Otherwise, don't waste your money at the theater. Like the other two, Rush Hour 3 is completely unrealistic and filled with corny jokes and slapstick fight scenes. Only, unlike the first two, we've seen these bits already. Overplayed and under-funny. One out of five sporks.

The Lost Room
Hoop and I picked up this Sci-Fi mini-movie series for $5. We had no idea what it was about. I chose it based on the cover alone. After watching it, I would definitely place it on my top five "great finds" list. The plot revolves around a hotel room and what happened to it one night in 1961. The room disappeared, it's objects scattered throughout the world. But those who have the key can still unlock it. What happens when a man's daughter goes into the room and disappears? Will the objects help him find her, or further enmesh him in the mystery of the room? Five out of five sporks.

Stranger Than Fiction
I know this one came out awhile ago, but Hoop and I just got around to seeing it. I'm not a big Will Farrell fan. I thought he killed his career with "Zoolander." But then "Elf" came out and I was proven wrong. Apparently someone DOES want to pay him for crap. But this movie surprised me. Not only was it really really well written and directed, but I didn't want to hurt him once the entire time! It's a movie I could watch more than once, which is saying a lot for me. Hoop and I gave it five out of five sporks.

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Warm Cockles

Not only have I received some really awesome awards lately, but I've had the pleasure of being reviewed by Diva Dee at So Many Blogs So Little Time. This is SO much better than all those stupid "Participant" ribbons I received as a kid! I'm going to pimp them out and this time, no one is going to laugh. Oh yeah...

from Coffeespaz.
from Sunshine.
from Jay.
from Susan.

I'll spread the love tomorrow, after I'm done polishing my Precious awards. Thank you guys!!

Weekend Recap:
1. Can someone please tell me where the cockles are located?
2. I keep imagining them in my thighs.
3. I read a book at lunch that said, "You'll be so pleased with yourself, it'll warm your cockles."
4. Which, besides being a really retarded sentence, has led me to believe that the cockles are located in the thigh area. I just ate a Twinkie and it's the only part of my body both pleased and warm right now.
5. Friday night, Hoop and I went down town to celebrate a friend's 31st birthday.
6. Although I'd been assured her alcoholic buddies would NOT be going, my friend decided to invite them anyway. Because really, who doesn't love an alcoholic?
7. Within the first half hour, the alcoholic hubby was head-butting Hoop in the side repeatedly.
8. When the alcoholic wife saw what her inebriated husband was doing, she laughed and said, "There he goes again." "So he does this often?!"
9. Then the husband ran into the street and started directing traffic.
10. Thankfully, they left soon after. But not before the wife slurred in my ear, "Have I told you how cute your husband is?"
11. Most of Sunday was spent at the auto shop, waiting for my car to be fixed. $336 later, she was as good as used. Yeah, that was a pretty special moment for me.
12. Once back home, I became overwhelmed by the amount of things on my to-do list and I snapped. "I just spent $336 dollars I don't have on a car I can't stand. You would think that would warrant having the rest of the day off!"
13. Hoop stood frozen to the spot, staring in silent horror as all my fuses blew at once.

"I hate laundry! Why do we even wear clothes? We have SKIN! Isn't that good enough? We have to wash our skin, then we have to wash the crap that goes over it? I'm completely out of tampons and all I've had to eat today was a smoothie. But in order to go grocery shopping I have to first run to the store to buy tampons. Then I have to find a bathroom. Finally, once I'm done shopping, it'll be 8 o'clock and I'll have gone all day without a single solid thing in my stomach. Then I have to come home and clean the house!"

14. After he felt reassured that I was past my adult temper tantrum, he sat down on the couch to play video games. I went to the car, barefoot and purse-less.
15. I found my way to the pier down the street and there I sat for over an hour. At one point I remember thinking, "This is nice. Maybe I'll just stay here." As if living on a fishy pier were a sane thing to do.
16. Apparently, Hoop was worried while I was gone. The laundry was started by the time I got home. Then he sat me down on the couch and left for dinner and tampons.
17. Screw bringing home the bacon. I've realized that I'd rather have a man who brings home the tampons. Do you hear that sound? Those are angels singing.
18. Today I got a call from a local hiring agency about a state job I'd applied for. "I need to ask you six qualifying questions. I'm going to read them exactly how they are stated. I can't explain them to you or tell you about them further. Please answer to the best of your ability."
19. "Oh my God. What the hell are they planning on asking me?" I thought, wiping the sweat off my greasy palms.
20. "First, please say and spell your first and last name." I relaxed. After I answered, the woman continued. "Now I'm going to ask you the six questions..." Shit!
21. The six questions ended up being standard yes or no questions that pertained to the hours and pay. But I answered each one completely monotone, afraid they were monitoring the call with a lie-detector.
22. The pay for this position is X-X. Do you find this salary acceptable?" "Yes." "LIAR!"

Tomorrow: Movie Reviews and Awards

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Monday, August 13, 2007

Because I Have No Shame

More from the diaries of Tink...

Yes, I have a briefcase full of diaries. Doesn't everyone?

(10 Years Old)

I love, "including thunder." As if there could be one without the other.

September 15th, 1993
(10 Years Old)
Today was all right. Boy, am I lying through my teeth. Well, we had a sub for half a day and she was a which and an ugly son of a gun. We all started thinking she was a he. Because her hair looked like a wig and she (he) went halfway into the boy's bathroom. Well I'm glad he or she is gone!

(11 Years Old)

I hid the journal in a cabinet in our basement moments after writing this. We were preparing to move. Not even thirty minutes later, I ran back to pull it out. So much for leaving a legacy behind.

May 1st, 1995
(12 Years Old)
I feel Mom understands me but dad John confuses me. John says that I should try hard in math so that it can help me when I get older, blah, blah. Mom says "Try hard but if worst comes to worst we'll get you a cute tutor." I really do love Mom but we all have our days (hers just seem like months). You know, when dad John saw a few dirty jokes in my joke calendar he told me, "You may not understand some of these jokes." He's such a dork. I understand them. I'm not 5 I'm 12. What does he take me for, an idiot?! He doesn't realize the stuff we find out in the 90's. Mostly from careless adults. Adults don't realize we know about sex, drugs, babies, rape, hanky panky, french kissing. We just choose to act dumb. Parents forget what it's like to be a kid, feel like a kid, think like a kid, that's why Im writing this diary, so I NEVER forget.

(12 Years Old)

The whole thing makes me CRINGE.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Babe!
Tink: What?
Hoop: Did you steal this white-out from work?
Tink: Yeah.
Hoop: WHY?
Tink: Because I'm leaving soon! I wanted to steal something.
Hoop: If you needed white-out you should have told me. I could have gotten some from work without them caring.
Tink: That's not the point. They owed me!
Hoop: White-out...
Tink: YEAH.
Hoop: Oh-kay.

Have a great weekend!

UPDATE: Twisted (Tink) has been updated with another revised chapter, "The Gateway." I know it's overdo. More to come, hopefully soon!

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The Painfully Stupid Years

Out of the diaries of Tink, complete with horrible spelling and metaphors.

May 25th, 1993
(10 years old)

Today I feel like a lazy lamb lying in the sun. I wish I were in bed right now. But schools all most over. Thank goodness for that! I'm sad and happy inside. Sad about leaving school but happy about summer break. Today Kim starting acting smart alicky when I started humming to my self in line. She gave me that, your dum look. Then she said "ooh, you touched your boyfriend" when she pushed me into John Vernor. So now I'll just play the ignor Kim game.

September 1st, 1993
(10 years old)

Today was fine, all exsept the jurk who sits next to me. After Ms. Minor told everyone the directions for an asinment he kept asking "What do we do again?" or "I don't understand this." It drove me nuts! Then he started poking and hiting me with pencils and calling me names. So when I came back to school to help a teacher, I took his favorite pencil put glue on it and put it back in his desk.

December 22nd, 1993
(10 years old)

I know everyone's always considered me the writer or the artist of the family, but I've never told any one what I really am. I may be good at art and writing but in my heart I'm a singer.

This made me laugh so hard I almost pissed my pants. The only tune I can hold is an off-key one.

January 3rd, 1994
(Almost 11 years old)

No one noticed my new peach silk blouse and beutiful vest. But, if I do say so my self I did look stunning. Today Kyle blurted out that he wasn't a virgin. He said he did it with Katie in kindergarden!

December 28th, 1997
(14 years old)

Hello Friend. This morning Zara and I went to a new Baptist Church. It was really cool. It had good, lively music and we spotted tons of fine hotties!! Plus the service was only an hour long, a lot better than the snooze sessions we're used to.

I'm glad I had my priorities straight.

January 19th, 1998
(Almost 15 years old)

I was watching a show tonight on people sneaking peaks into other peoples' diaries. Well, let me just say that I am putting a curse on this journal to whom ever may read it without my permission. So if you aren't me then you better shut it real quick. Otherwise your teeth with rot and fall out! N-E-Way, so much for Nick and I being "purely friends." We've been going out for a week now. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had. He's sweet, caring, funny, unusual, and he quit smoking pot and drinking for me. He said he doesn't want to lose me. Isn't that sweet?

More later...

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Politically Incorrect

I always feel bad when I see those "missing pet" posters hanging around the neighborhood. Except for this one.

Don't mind if I hope your cat STAYS gone, dude. Although, this might explain the sudden rash of new posters. Hm.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: You know we live in the south when the waiter asks the customers if they're Christian or not.
Hoop: When did that happen?
Tink: Just now. Our waiter asked the couple behind us if they were Christian, then he started promoting his Christian rock band to them.
Hoop: That's crazy.
Tink: I know, right? When did that become OK?
Hoop: No, I mean, I could have sworn our waiter was gay.
Tink: *Blink*

August Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. if i knew it was that kind of party i'd stick my dick in the mashed potatoes I bet you don't get too many Thanksgiving invitations.
2. picture of very old man in speedo No! Now leave this blog immediately.
3. what goes with white trim?
4. stick your finger in your navel and smell it Mmm. Linty goodness.
5. funny sayings for 65th birthday roast You're so old, when you were born the dead sea was still sick.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Pamer said it be awesome if we opened one of the bananas and a bunch of baby spiders crawled out.
Hoop: Ew!
Tink: Right? Blech. But I don't think we have anything to worry about.
Hoop: ...
Tink: ...
Hoop: So, are we moving the bananas?
Tink: You bet-cher-ass we are!

Deep Thought Of The Day: What would you do if your boss asked you to do something you felt was morally wrong? What if it could potentially get you in trouble? At what point do you choose your standards over your job and visa versa? Discuss.

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Sunday, August 12, 2007

All Fun And No Work

Hoop and I decided to pick the bananas...

But then we couldn't figure out what to DO with them.

So there are bananas in my laundry room now. It's like a Ghetto Ripening Center.

Is it obvious we have no idea what we're doing?

Heaven On Earth

Devil's Eye

Tube Trail

Spring Water

Baby Possum

Talk To The Tail

Shoe Fetish

Sticker Heads

Fridge Update: The neighbor stopped by on Thursday, but left before Hoop could make it outside. He hasn't been back since. We plugged Christine in that night. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't work. The back looks like it's been torn into. We think he might have pulled out the parts he needed and was hoping he could run a scam and get his money back. Yeah, I don't think so. So it looks like Christine is getting a new home... at the landfill. Hopefully she'll stay there this time.

So, what did I miss?

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Thursday, August 09, 2007

The "Christine" Of Appliances

The week off had been going beautifully until Hoop and I came home from Orlando tonight. We rolled in only to have our headlights illuminate an unwanted house guest sitting in our driveway...

A fridge.

The same fridge we'd sold four days prior to the grumpy old man who lives behind us. Only, it was back. We searched the appliance, the door, and the windshield of my car for a note. But there was nothing. I knew it couldn't be an issue of quality. The fridge had worked when we'd sold it. It was the same archaic POS that had come with the house. At a ticket of $50, it was the last item I expected to get complaints about. Yet, there it sat. I've come to the conclusion that it missed us.

We had a garage sale over the weekend. Well, more like a Saturday sale. We set up shop on Sunday but no one showed. Damn bible belt. I take that back. We had one bite, a Mexican dude on a bicycle. But he didn't say much and peddled off with nothing. He didn't have room anyway. Maybe he was looking for a basket. Monday, Hoop and I got new drivers licences. I spent an hour that morning blow-drying my hair and putting on make-up. Hoop, on the other hand, threw on a visor and some slightly wrinkled clothes.

"I'll just ask them to keep the old picture," he said. Imagine the look of horror on his face when they told us a new picture was mandatory. He spent five minutes in the bathroom scrubbing the hat line off his forehead. In the end, his picture came out beautifully. It may be the best picture of him ever taken. Mine? I look like I'm high. That and it appears I have five inches of black hair root because the angle of the light was not meant for shorties like me. *Sigh* It's high school yearbook all over again.

On Tuesday we took my brothers to the spring. There is nothing quite as exhilarating as frying in the sun on a tube while your ass drags through freezing cold water. My favorite part of the day was when Hoop and I left the kiddos to snorkel above "Devil's Ear" while we walked to the next spring over. It was completely desolate. As we waded in the crystal clear water, surrounded by trees, I felt like Adam and Eve. But without the naked part. Or the innocence. Ok, screw the analogy. It was awesome!

Today we went to Universal Studios for the day to ride roller coasters. I always have so much fun with Hoop at amusement parks. Which always makes it that much harder to leave. There's something about "closing time" at the park that makes you realize how close your vacation is to being finished. Which brings us back around to the arrival home and the damn fridge. Have I ever told you how much I hate awkward confrontations? If I know what the argument is going to be and I can prepare, I'm OK. But this? This is just bizarre.

How am I going to explain to this old geezer tomorrow that, like us, the fridge just didn't like him? Do you think I could tell him I'm keeping the money as a lesson? Hey, I didn't move here to make friends. Anyway, Christine aside, Hoop's birthday is tomorrow. Well, today if you consider the time. My baby is turning 30! So show the boy some love and tell him how great the 30's are going to be. If you tell him anything that's going to make him feel worse, I will hurt you. Not badly, just a little. I can't afford to be sued.

More updates and pictures to come soon.

P.S. Anyone waiting for their prize goody bag, I'm sending them out tomorrow. I know, I suck. Forgive me. But on the bright side, you're getting more shit because of the delay. I just kept picking things up. Kind of like when you start your Christmas shopping too early. Let me know when you receive them. Love n' miss you all.


Friday, August 03, 2007

I Hope She Got Hazard Pay

Back when I started this job, my desk resided in a cubical farm. Having never worked with so little personal space before, I found myself extremely self conscious about EVERYTHING. Was I breathing too loud? What if I laughed and a little fart squeaked out? Would the lady across from me announce it to the other cubical cattle? I learned to talk in whispers and type softly, a difficult feat for someone whose job consisted of answering phones and typing long-winded training modules.

Three weeks after I started, our IT person walked me through the phone system. There were extensions to learn, passwords to memorize, and the dreaded voicemail message to record. Just thinking about that message made me tongue tied. As someone who frequently trips on her words, I knew it would take me several tries to get it right, a luxury you don't have when working in a cubical farm. The woman across from me, we'll call her Wilma, had already started complaining that I "stank."

She didn't mean that I smelled bad, mind you. For whatever reason, Wilma had decided on the first day that she was allergic to me. Each morning it was something new that she could smell: my lotion, shampoo, hair gel, deodorant. It made her sneeze and then sigh, apologizing to everyone in our vicinity because my "body products" were aggravating her "condition." I was terrified to piss her off further. Somehow I just knew that trying to record my voicemail message would.

So I tried to time it for when no one else was around. But it never quite worked out the way I needed it to. I started thinking that Wilma was on to me. She knew I was going to sound like an ass and she wanted to be there to witness it. Two weeks later, the IT person sent a reminder about personalizing my voicemail. So I did what I had to do. I pretended to drop a stack of papers. Then I hid under my desk and recorded the message as quietly and quickly as I could. I thought it came out pretty good too. Until a few hours ago...

It's been over three years since I recorded that message. I have never once listened to it again. Seriously, how often does someone leave a message for themself? I'm going on vacation next week (Surprise!), so I thought it would be a good idea to record an away message. But before the system would allow me record a new one, I was forced to listen to the old one first. I was horrified when it came on. "Hello? This is Tink Erbell..." My voice warbled through the speaker uncertainly. There was no mistaking that I was whispering.

It was the voice of someone who had been kidnapped and thrown in a basement. "Please, leave a message," practically translated to "Please, send help." THIS is what my callers had been hearing for the last three years?! Shit. They say that people who don't look their best during a first meeting often hurry to the mirror afterward, fix themselves up, and instantly feel better about the prior encounter. They trick themselves into thinking they looked better than they did.

This is basically what I did with the voicemail message. I recorded over the old one with a clearer, louder voice and made sure to smile while doing it. Then I pretended like the old one never existed. I was never very good with phones though. Apparently, in erasing the old message I accidentally switched to a secondary one that was recorded by the girl who held my position last. I came back to six very confused voicemails. Four people claimed to have dialed the wrong number. Two just laughed and hung up.

As for the voicemail I'd selected?

"I'm sorry I can't get to the phone right now. I've been abducted by aliens. They have probes!"

Un-fucking-believable. I think I'm REALLY going to enjoy this vacation.

Notice: I will be on vacation from August 6th-10th. Don't worry though, PB isn't completely closed for business. I'll post updates at some point in the week. There's beer in the fridge. Emergency numbers are on the phone. Feel free to loiter. But thieves will be sporked. Have a great weekend!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Bye-Bye July

July Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Friday.
2. The most popular hour being 4pm.
3. The top referrers were Lefty and Jen.
4. The most used search term was, "probably fraudulent hermaphrodite." Oh-ho! Now they're not so sure.
5. My favorite search term was, "tits vacuumeruumer."
6. The highest hit post (534) was on July 27th, the day of the Second Annual
PB Contest.

31 Quirks For 31 Days:
1. For 24 hours back in December 2005, this blog was named "0cean
2. That following night, Hoop and I had a conversation that would
change the history of this blog forever.
3. Thus, Pickled Beef was born.
4. "Ocean P3ach" was a name I created when I was twelve, the title to
a future restaurant I had hopes of owning.
5. For years I kept a detailed notebook of recipes and decoration
ideas. I even had a location picked out for my beachy sandwich shop.
6. But as with most childhood dreams, I realized as I matured how
impractical the idea was.
7. How was I going to feed strangers when feeding MYSELF was such a chore?
8. I almost always screw up popular sayings...
9. ...Most of the time because I like how I say them better.
10. I snort when I laugh too hard.
11. I don't believe in conventional "kinky."
12. My idea of spicing things up is pretending to be a sex doll.
13. It's creative, unique, and totally effortless!
14. Who says boys don't like dolls?
15. I hate when people say, "Oh, she was such a beautiful girl!" when looking at younger pictures of older women.
16. I'd rather be remembered as a beautiful older woman instead.
17. So I have a plan. On my 65th birthday, I'm going to have a picture burning party.
18. Of course, that'll be in 2048, so it might be more like a picture deleting party.
19. It just doesn't sound as satisfying.
20. Oh hell. Maybe we'll just burn the computer for fun!
21. I love rain. I love the smell of it, the sound of it. I just wish it wasn't so... wet.
22. I once bought a CD with the "sounds of the Rainforest" on it. Duff was a puppy at the time. I woke up every hour thinking he was peeing on the carpet.
23. I have Duff conditioned to jump out of bed each time my alarm goes off. I say "each time" because it usually goes off two or three before I'm motivated enough to move.
24. Once I'm up, I lift the covers so he can jump back in. I did it for him once as a courtesy. Now he WON'T get back in until I do. The dog is more spoiled than Hoop!
25. I have 28 highlighters in my desk.
26. I have 80-something highlights in my hair.
27. My Mom once died my hair highlighter yellow.
28. I had a car I named Avery because it was highlighter blue.
29. It's a sign!
30. Maybe I should make a movie like "The Number 23." Only, instead of "23" everything equals "highlighter." Oooo. Scary.
31. Incidentally, you CANNOT get 23 out of the word "highlighter," no matter how much you break it down.
32. I've never understood why there are couches in some public bathrooms.
33. Is it for the people waiting? In case you need to take a power nap?
34. I mean, how comfortable do you want to get in there?

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
(After watching "The Number 23")
Oh my God babe. We have two dogs and three remotes. 23. Creepy, huh?

Tink Quote Of The Day:
Look! I can make a hand-bra with one hand!