Friday, August 24, 2007

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Men can get turned on playing video games.

So sue me if I need a little more than that.

I was horny on the way home yesterday. Horny enough to call Hoop and prepare him for the mauling he was going to get when I got there. Then I had to stop at CVS and wait twenty minutes for a prescription. When I pulled into the driveway, still horny, I saw the empty trash cans by the side of the road. I was a little less horny by the time I'd dragged them to the garage.

Then I looked through the window on the way in. I could see Hoop's video game on the big screen. "Thanks for bringing up the trash cans, babe." "Sorry about that," He mumbled while shooting an alien. I paused at the table, waiting to be rushed to the bedroom or at the very least receive a "hello" kiss. When nothing happened, I trudged to the kitchen for food.

"We have thirty minutes until we have to leave for the movie!" I shouted toward his back. "What do you want to eat?" He stood up, controller still in hand, and said. "Hold on. I'm almost done." I closed the cabinet in defeat. "There's nothing quick to eat." Hoop rushed over to lovingly nuzzle on my neck. "I know what I'm hungry for," he mumbled into my hair. "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." "What's that?" "You."

Sweet, no?

"I don't think so," I grumbled, pushing him away with my elbows. Hoop barely spoke to me the rest of the night, choosing instead to fume in silence. I tried to coax him out with light conversation, but the damage had already been done. His own girlfriend had turned Cock Tease on him. *Snort* Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a little romp in the sack now and then. OK, OK, I'd have it every day if there were time.

But that doesn't mean I can turn my libido on like a switch. I need some attention! Bait the tiger, so to speak. That's where men and women differ. Men like the end result. Women like the journey there. So where's a good middle ground? I'm exasperated. What do you do (or have done) to spice things up? Got any funny sex stories? What's your biggest turn on/off? Break the rules and dish.

Comment anonymously if you want, but I'm going to call you something "dirty" if you do. You've been warned.

P.S. I would also like it to be known that Hoop and I are fine. I realize this wasn't something I should have necessarily been mad about. It just sparked an interesting topic about sex and the difference between men and women.

UPDATE:
Twisted (Tink) has been updated with another revised chapter, "The Other Side." Only one more revision to go before the new chapters start! Thank you all for your patience. You've been WONDERFUL.

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21 Comments:

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

And in case anyone is hesitant to start, I'll go first.

Funny Sex Story: A boyfriend and I thought it would be fun and kinky to have sex on top of his car facing the river. We didn't realize until we were leaving that the house across from us was having a party on their balcony. I'm sure the full moon illuminated our asses nicely. To make matters worse, the guy drove his car to school the next day without realizing my ass print was on the hood.

 
At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Mamalujo said...

Hoop certainly didn't help his cause by not bringing up the trashcans and by continuing to play the gamewhen you got home. But you did kind of wait for him to read your mind too. I've learned that you should never expect the other person to read your mind. You'll always be disappointed. I've also found that you'd better pay attention to the signals that ARE given, like, for instance, being TOLD OVER THE PHONE that your dearie wants to bump uglies as soon as she gets home. I woulda been nekkid and in bed, not on the video game console. And I seriously hope that your guy isn't all about the end result. That'll be a problem after about a few hundred more bops. Even sex can get dull, you know. Nowadays we spice things up just by getting away from the kids and locking the door long enough to make use of the twenty years of experience we've developed. I may be an old broom now, but I DO know how to clean the corners.

Funny sex story: Child walks in on a moment of oral gratification recently and is quickly told that Mommy is checking out a bug bite on Daddy's hip. Good thing I turned as quickly as I did; bad thing she compared it to a bug bite. :-(

 
At 24 August, 2007, Anonymous Susan said...

Yeah...I try not to think about sex lately. Somebody has had a really bad rash for a while that won't clear up. And Somebody is too embarrassed to go to the doctor about it.

So I'm on my own, and I don't want to talk about it...

 
At 24 August, 2007, Blogger captain corky said...

Change the words from video game to blog and this is the story of my life. ;)

 
At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Jen said...

I have many, but must refrain from not mentioning a story that does not involve the husband.

That said, when we were newly engaged in H-town, the husband and I went to one of his dr*g-rep dinners. In between the dinner (one place) and drinks (elsewhere) we decided to have some . . . well. . . . to pull over. In a bank parking lot. He had an Eclipse at the time. This is only significant in that I'm a good Amazonian Princess height of 5'9" and he's a whopping 6'3". Yeah - don't ask. Anyhow, we managed some good ole sexy-time in the front seat of the Eclipse!

However. . . .

In the process of having the um. . . sexy-time, . . . we managed to call, on the husbands cell phone, his mentor's wife in this Longhorn city that we now live in. His WIFE! ***sigh***

Thankfully, the mentor nor the mentor's wife has never brought this up. . . but I have not forgotten. I mean, I hadn't even met them yet.

Fabulous, huh?

 
At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

When I was in high school I worked one summer at a small pro shop at the local country club. The pro shop was in a little shed. To open the shed for business I would open up these big solid shutters and people would come up to the window to get whatever they needed.

Anyway, I got there one Sunday morning and was about to open when somebody knocked on the side door. I opened it and it was a certain girl that was rather well known for being .. umm ... friendly and easy to get along with.

Anyway, to make a long story short, when we were done ... getting along she left and a couple of minutes later I opened the shutters to see 4 guys standing there smiling at me.

I just kind of waved at them and they said "Well, we're gonna play some golf now, okay?"

I was like "sure thing guys".

 
At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Oh ohney - I could dedicate a whole nother blog to funny sex stories...

But let me suggest to you.

The Catholic School Girl outfit.
Go to Frederick's of Hollywood dot com and chekc out "costumes". VERY VERY EFFECTIVE for both you and Hoop.

OR Naughty Nurse if he is so inclined,. watch out though that hat is a BITCH to keep on.

 
At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

WOW ohney = honey.

Dyslexic much?

 
At 25 August, 2007, Anonymous Michelle said...

The only funny sex story I can think of involved being 21 years old and camping in a very dark tent and mixing up a tube of toothpaste for a tube of k-y jelly. Let's just say things were tingling and we were minty fresh!

As to this post, Hoop blew it BIG TIME. Hoop: SHE CALLED YOU. Signals that clear don't happen that often. Game consoles have a PAUSE BUTTON for those times when you hear Tink's car pull into the driveway. Not cool, dude. A game player himself, Brent says he can understand how you got roped into playing your game for so long while waiting for Tink to get home. So yo got a little sympathy there. BUT -- you should have brought in the trash cans, dude. Really.

 
At 25 August, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Sex? What's that?

 
At 25 August, 2007, Blogger briliantdonkey said...

Was it madden o7? If so that is understan.........nope can't do it, sorry hoop but ya blew it.

Things I do to liven up my sex life? Have some.

BD

 
At 25 August, 2007, Blogger Peggy said...

Wait until I finish this level is not a sexy statement. Nobody ever wants to hear that.

I really don't have any publishable sexy stories about getting caught (never actually got caught) and I'm not going to go public about the other stuff. sorry

 
At 25 August, 2007, Blogger Pamer said...

I had sex with my wife once..she was on the bottom and me on top...lasted 2 minutes...ooh boy it was wild!!! We kept the lights on!!!

 
At 25 August, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had sex with my husband this morning. I said, I bet I can beat you to the finish line. It was a race. Complete with weapons (sex toys). I knew he would not be able to resist the kitty. So I just went about my business, and sure enough was quickly joined. I guess if you compared that to a car race, it's something like drafting. I don't know. In the end, we both finished the race. Which was all he seemed to care about. I just liked that I got to roll over and announce that I totally beat him. So, maybe you and Hoop should have a race. He likes video games, competition, winning. Run in the door, run yelling to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothing and announce that you're gonna finish before he does. Even if he lets you win, you still won!

 
At 26 August, 2007, Blogger Allison said...

Surprisingly enough, no embarrassing or wild sex stories are coming to mind right now. And for all of the sex I've had, you'd think I'd have SOMETHING to give you. LOL!

 
At 27 August, 2007, Blogger Moi said...

I'm with Scottsdale Girl on the school girl uniform.

I met Mr. Man at a Halloween party wearing that costume. He proposed soon after.

My stories are ... too long to type in a comments section. Rest assured - been there, done that. 'Splain to Hoop that when you call, he should be Red-E.

 
At 27 August, 2007, Blogger Edge said...

My wife and I were very newly married and I had gone to the store to get something. I came back and there was a trail of clothes to the couch. ... ( pause ) I headed to the kitchen. Needless to say, there has never been a trail of clothes ( kids clothes excluded ) to the bedroom again.

I totally understand. Women are crock pots and men are microwaves. My wife gets the "itch" around noon and I hope to God above no kid or relative screws it up for me until after 6:00 PM. I had a girlfriend who looked at me in the car on the way from Ft. Worth to Denton and said she wanted to have sex at the rest area ahead. I was a little hesitant about it so I talked her into waiting until we got home ... nope ...

Advice to men ... strike while the iron or tiger or vajay jay is hot.

~Jef

 
At 27 August, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

I was having loud, drunken sex on the hood of my car at like, four in the morning, on some deserted road, on my birthday, and when we finished we turned our heads and realized that a man and his DOG were standing a few feet away from us. Watching. With their four eyes. And had been the whole time.

 
At 27 August, 2007, Anonymous Mignon said...

My first time was in an old college dorm room. In the middle of rolling around and changing positions my skinny boyfriend bumped his ass on the old metal heater next to his bed and squealed and hopped up. I thought that was it. You know - IT!, and I smiled and curled up into a ball and pretended the whole thing had been incredibly rewarding and beautiful. Ha ha ha. But no. There was more. Like an hour more.

Now? If it's before 11 and there are no guests a few floorboards away, that's almost like the stars being aligned. The spiciest time recently was when we left Charlie Rose on the tube The Whole Time!

 
At 28 August, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

Darl'n you aren't alone, video games are the "widow maker" of the 21st century. It used to be just sports but now...........

And funny story: that would be the BFE dirt road we decided to get sexy on but a suspicious land owner came over to find out what we were doing on the road since apparently the only people ever on it are the farm owners.

 
At 28 August, 2007, Anonymous La said...

Hmmm...

Back in my stupider days, I was at a party making out with this guy. He wasn't HOT, but he was teddy bear cute. And really, that was more than enough for me to give him some (I was plastered, ok?)

In the heat of the moment, he propped me up on the counter of the bathroom and I started unbuttoning his pants...

*laughing* I was tugging on the string to get his pants off and well....I was highly disappointed that it wasn't the string I was pulling.

Needless to say, I was instantly sober and IMMEDIATELY turned off. Thank God he didn't have a condom!

 

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