Thursday, August 23, 2007

Why Not To Buy A House

(Reason #249)

The house was completely quiet as I exited the bathroom last night.

It was in that stillness that I noticed a very faint noise.

It sounded like... rice crispies.

"What the hell?" I thought. "Maybe I'm just hungry." But it bothered me. So I stood still for a moment trying to figure out where it was coming from. Leaning into the open door, I followed the sound to the door frame. It was definitely coming from there. So I leaned toward the other side. Nothing. Back to the right. There it was again.

"Hoop!" I yelled. "The door frame is making noises!" He came and pressed his ear to the door as I'd instructed. "How did you hear that?!" "I don't know. Doesn't it sound like rice crispies?" "Yeah. Weird." Then he started pressing on the wood. It gave under his fingers like a sponge. "Oh no!" I moaned as he ripped a chunk of it from the wall.


I could actually HEAR the termites munching on our house.

If that doesn't gross you the fuck out, I don't know what will.

Tink Quote Of The Day:
My gynecologist told me I have perfect breasts. Isn't that nice?

Not Far From The Tree:
Papa Bear: Do you remember how your Mom said she used to get back at her brothers for picking on her?
Tink: Yeah. She ratted on them for things they didn't do.
Papa Bear: Well, Lil Bit has started doing that to Big Bit and me.
Tink: What, ratting on you?
Papa Bear: Yeah! It's really starting to piss me off.
Tink: Ok. You do realize you're the PARENT, right?

P.S. Thank you all for the moral support in my job search! I haven't quit my job yet. I'm just searching at the moment. Unfortunately, like the housing market, the job market has fallen flat on its face around here. I have impeccable timing. With my luck, I'll buy stocks the same day the market crashes too.

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At 23 August, 2007, Blogger J said...

Ooo, sorry to hear about the termites. That's a pain in the ass to have to deal with.

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Mamalujo said...

Been there with the termites. And so you know, I would never let you be homeless. Not that I feel responsible or anything......

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

We had a local doctor that used to compliment his female patients on different parts of their anatomy. Well, until he went to jail at least.

Sorry about the termites. I was really hoping Hoop was eating Rice Krispies.

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Eeeeek about the termites! Not so much with the termites up here... carpenter ants, yes, but not termites.

I love your conversation with Papa Bear. Ha!

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Nettie said...

Get the goggles and blow torch. The little fuckers can't stand the heat. Then all you have to do is redecorate.

At 23 August, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes when I get out of the shower I hear things too. And sometimes I do other things.

Dude ... get out of the termite house.

I think you have nice breasts too ... (pause) that is if I could actually see them. I told my wife I was going to start giving free breast exams.


At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

Ya know, I adored you right up until this post. Now, I'm not so sure anymore.

Only because I am jealous and live in the world of saggy old breasts.


Oh, and I'm really sorry about the termites. That sucks.

Though you did say earlier you could be a circus employee so the tent around your house will just get ya in the mood for your new career.

And, who am I kidding, I adore you no matter what!

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Sunshine said...

Move in by me....nobody gets termites up here!

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

J: It's definitely no picnic.

Mamalujo: The only one I feel is responsible is the pest control company. What am I paying them for?! So T... Was that an invite? ;)

Jay: My doctor is female. I don't mind her checking out my "stuff." *Snort*

Chris: I miss ants...

Nettie: Oh yeah. Burn, baby, burn.

Edge: Forget free. Become a gynecologist and chicks will PAY you to do it! How sweet is that?

Newt: Don't be jealous. I'm pretty sure she was saying that because they're so small and easy to examine. It took her all of three minutes. *Sigh* But I can dream.

Sunshine: What's your secret?

At 23 August, 2007, Anonymous mignon said...

I had that same sensation one night several years ago in an old house we were renting. I thought it was the [insert illegal substance here], but it turned out it was a wasp nest the size of a frisbee. I poked a little section of the wall by the kitchen sink and they came exploding out of the sheetrock. Buzz kill. Killed by buzz. Whatever.

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger tammy said...

I'm sorry about the termites that sucks.

I'm also jealous about the breast comment. My dr. told me that one was significantly larger than the other & did I know hat I could get that fixed. Hurray -thanks, are you offering to fund that? But, I was told that I have a textbook perfect uterus.

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Mary said...

oh that sucks about the bugs. I'm sorry :( and yeah, it grosses me out too...

Good luck with the job hunt, the perfect job will appear, it might just take some time to find it.

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Katie said...

Nasty. I have the creepy crawlies just reading that.

At 23 August, 2007, Anonymous TB said...

Oh man, I'm so sorry about the termites. We had them in the last two houses we owned and the one we stayed in before we bought this one. I used to imagine I could hear them munching, munching, munching, but that was AFTER I knew we had them. You must have bionic ears!

Hang in there with the job search too. I know there's something out there that will be perfect for you.

At 23 August, 2007, Anonymous gawilli said...

My experience with noises turned out to be a little ground squirrel that had found a tiny space just big enough to crawl through and end up in our fruit cellar. By the time I figured out what and where he was, he had carried in hundreds of acorns and lined them up along the wall. They filled a garbage bag. He was ready for winter.

At 23 August, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

Oh no! I'm sorry about the termites. What's up with your pest control guy? Is sleepwalking? Don't they test for those things? Sheesh.

My doc said my breasts look good, too. Well, actually, it was the radiologist and he was referring to the mammogram films, but hey! I'll take any compliment I can get.

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

EEWWW, that is sick that you could actually hear the termites! Sorry! I shudder for you!

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Carrie said...

Ugh. So sorry about the termites. That made my skin crawling just reading about it.

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Peggy said...

Didn't you get a termite inspection when you bought the house? If I remember correctly, they are required by Florida law. If that is the case, I would seriously consider having a stern talking to the inspectors about your new termites. Perhaps they would treat your house instead of losing a law suit.

The perfect boob thing almost makes up for the termites though. Congratulations on the great rack!

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger HAR said...

Owning a house is such a joy. Especially one with termites. When I bought my house it had termites but it was easy to rectify.
There is always something!
Maybe you could pay for the termite repair by charging people for a flash of your perfect breasts???

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Starchy said...

I can totally totally relate to your job search! I'm looking in government land, too! Isn't it soooo freaking fun?

I also can relate to the termite problems. Well, not termites exactly, but I had any number of critters living in my old house. Pain in the bohunkus, it is!

LOVE your blog!

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger coffespaz said...

Ummm ewwwwww!! I was really hoping someone (not something) was snitching a midnight snack or something! Wish you the best, what a mess those little things make.

Love the conversation with Papa Bear...too cute!

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger furiousBall said...

I've had battles with termites and my casa too, it's almost as fun as root canals or standing in line at the DMV

At 24 August, 2007, Anonymous mamatulip said...

OMG! You could HEAR THEM eating your wood?! *shudder* Dude, that SUCKS. I'm sorry.

Come to Canada. It's too cold for termites here. (Well, I'm lying, but just come to Canada, okay?)

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

Oh my god Tink - the termite sounds don't gross me out - but I feel so damned sorry for you. You've had more than your fair share of house woes.

PS, is your gyno a woman? Otherwise that's just a little too weird.

At 24 August, 2007, Blogger Foo said...

Oh, crap. Termites??

I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about stuff like that. =(


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