Wednesday, August 29, 2007

To The House

You win.

I am defeated.

I'm completely out of patience and soon I'll be out of money.

I don't know what I ever did, besides buy you, to warrant such hostility. Don't you like the improvements? Was that shade of blue not to your liking? I'm sorry. I had such high hopes that we could be friends. But each time I get comfortable in you, almost at the precise moment I think we're getting somewhere, you thwart me. My list of repairs is now thirty-seven bullets long and growing. The money and time involved in each task makes me want to curl up and cry. But what's money or time to a house, right? You have no need for either.

What do you want then, hell-house? What have you not already drained from me? I dream about burning you to the ground. Fleeing. Passing you off to the first person who shows an interest. These thoughts just aren't normal. We should be on the same side, you and I. Instead I go home to your termite infested walls and try to pretend that I don't know you. I'm just renting. This nightmare isn't mine. I'm such a great judge of character! The house I bought was warm and beautiful. Someone must have switched it in the night. Then I wake up and you're there.

So I quit.

Do whatever the hell you want.

(If anyone needs me, I'll be in the carboard box on the beach.)

Sincerely,
Your exasperated owner.

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31 Comments:

At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Mamalujo said...

Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I'm first? Email me if you need to.

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Edge said...

One of the best quotes ever from a movie that fits your situation.

"What would you like to do with the whole world?
Burn it all.
See ya next year, Ronald."

Backdraft

Dude, just go have sex and forget about it all.

~Jef

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Sometimes I think I would like to own a home someday. Then I read posts like this one and think maybe not.

Maybe you and the house could compromise. It gives up the termites and you agree to let it keep something else. Like maybe a recurring crack in the ceiling in in hallway or something like that.

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Betty said...

I don't think I would have another house of my own if one was given to me. Money pits, all of them! I loooooooove my itty-bitty apartment, with a maintenance crew just waiting for my call when something goes wrong. And, in the meantime, they're mowing the lawn and painting the outside, making it look purty. I don't mean to brag.

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

Sometimes being a homeowner just sucks, there's no way around it. While you're busy making cosmetic updates, something like termites or, in my case, water in the basement comes up to laugh in your face. Hang in there. It will be the house you love some day soon. The best thing about owning a house is making it what you want.

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

(((Tink))) I'm sorry! You can come live here! We have room!

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Moi said...

I feel your pain. We are just coming out of the other side of the experience.

Who needs a college fund when you have a water heater that doesn't explode and a roof that doesn't leak?

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Cat Herder said...

Get a big ole' bottle of your favorite alcoholic beverage and a straw, rent The Money Pit, drink and laugh and cry...and realize in a few years, it will be that much more rewarding to have overcome it all.

I feel for you.

Kim (who found insufficient wiring, carpenter ants, water leaks, and a host of other problems during the first three years of owning the home the inspector called "flawless" and "a fortress," and who loves it still)

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Mike Y said...

Poor Tink! I'm sorry to hear you're still having trouble. (((Tink)))

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger jinx protocol said...

I hate to hear that things aren't going well. Seeing you buy a house - almost - helped convice me to buy one.

I've since backed off from that...oh, but it has nothing to do with you. Sorry, still.

I hope everything gets better.

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

Amen Tink! I got your back on this one - and if we lived in the same half of the country I would take you out for tequilla shots tonight so we could commiserate. I know how mad you're feeling - I feel the same way.

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Damn, 37 bullet points?! Ouch. Maybe you're living in a house designed by Stephen King or something...

 
At 29 August, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

We have the opposite problem. I think we bought a beautiful house and he hubster, the dogs, and the cats are slowly tearing it apart. I bet our house would like to quit us.

 
At 29 August, 2007, Anonymous gawilli said...

Boy. I can't think of much to say except I sure am sorry. Maybe you would feel better if you kicked something.

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger Peggy said...

Is it that termite thing again? Is there some new and expensive thing to be fixed, added or or replaced on the house?

Let's see in the 13+ years we have been here we have 1. replaced all the windows 2. re-wired 3. re-plumbed 4. re-painted every single room at least once.

It happens to just about everybody who owns a house. You'll get used to the low grade worry whose burden never relents. Have a few drinks and the problems don't seem to be that bad. ;-)

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger Terri said...

I vaguely remember a post such as this one a while back maybe? Or maybe it was the fridge coming back to haunt you. Still not better? There will always, and I mean always be a to do list when you are a homeowner, but termites are a pretty big worry. I hope you get it resolved and down the road are happy and content with your home.

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

Aw, Tink. That SUCKS. This sucks. I wish I could wave my magic wand and poof! You have a new house.

Hang in there.

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger Nettie said...

I currently own but don't live there as the idiot I'm still attached to is living there. That means I reside in a rental until which I now have to move from cuz the idiot I rent from has let the building go in to forclosure. Do you have room in your box for me, the daughter and a puppy?

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger eric said...

you know, there's this thing i heard about where you burn your house down, claim it was arson and claim the insurance.

just something to think about ...

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger Beth said...

I think this is one of the most hilarious things I've read about home ownership -- ever. You get an AMEN from me. Got enough space in that box for two? LOL

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger butterfly girl said...

Oh, Tinky Poo, I am so sorry about your termite problem. That is a nightmare to say the least!! I suggest you move way up north and chuck the house.

Got insurance?

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger furiousBall said...

I had termite issues with the house in Georgia, they are bad down there. I say you post a poll of your repairs and let us vote.

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I have some sage and a cleansing ritual... I also have gasoline and a torch.

Your choice, let me know.

*Smooch*

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger Nvisiblewmn said...

Houses can be so self-centered.

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

SAWYER! Fucking GENIUS woman!

*drools a little*

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger CRUSTYBEEF said...

I LOVE THIS!! IT's absolutely HILARIOUS and I can feel your disgust and also love for your home-glorifying post.

Hi, btw, I'm CRUSTYBEEF...there's sooo many of us beefs out there...

there's also an Almighty Beef on Corky's page..maybe he has a thing for Beef? Remind me to ask him that..

It was nice reading your post and I'm anxious to catch up more!!
Always,
Crusty~

 
At 30 August, 2007, Anonymous wordgirl said...

The list seems endless at first. Do the stuff you HAVE to do first. Then later do the stuff you want.

 
At 30 August, 2007, Blogger Alex said...

Aw, sweetie. I am so sorry. Wanna come over for some cocktails?

 
At 31 August, 2007, Blogger HAR said...

When all else fails, go to the beach, even if it's in a box.

Hope things get better soon! :)

 
At 31 August, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Cardboard box on the beach? There are certainly worse places.

 
At 04 September, 2007, Blogger Arabella said...

I'm so sorry.

I have an idea. My husband loves doing home improvement-y things. I'll send him down to your house, and he'll work on it, and go to the beach in his spare time, and you come and visit me and we'll cook and watch chick flicks and play with babies. Sound good?

Oh, wait.....oh yeah. Work. Aw, shit.

 

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