Static

Does anyone remember the The P.I.T.S. List? I was short of inspiration this morning and decided to dig it out of the archives, the January 2007 archives to be exact.

What fashion crimes did you commit in High School?

High School wasn't that long ago for me. So let's go back to Elementary and Middle School instead. Back in Elementary school I wore a lot of turtlenecks. The ones that stick out in my memory the most had little flower patterns on them. Sometimes I'd finish off the look with a "nice" matching vest. I'm not even shitting you. I think my Mom might have hated me. Or maybe it was just an 80's thing, along with LensCrafter's inability to make glasses less than an inch thick.

How did my nose even hold those things up?!

In Middle School I fell into the 90's crap-bands trap. I wore overalls, or "bibs", sometimes backwards or with only one strap connected. Who started that? Was it Criss-cross? At one time I even attempted the single black line under my left eye. Thanks TLC. Thank God I didn't attempt to recreate their condom jackets. My Mom would have killed me, walking around like a damn rubber dispenser. Belly shirts were in, as were acid-washed jeans and Koolaid stripes in the hair. No one told you the Koolaid didn't come out until it was too late though.

So, what fashion sins did you commit?

August - October Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Gown for big Mom I think they call that a MuuMuu.
2. How do you spell scratch? Um... Scratch.
3. Carmeltoe Sex Mmm, carmeltoe. But, nothing beats a good carmelbicep.
4. Mom peed on me!
5. Zombies dreams mean Zombies don't sleep, silly!
6. free pictures of male hairy assholes They better be free.
7. klingon lesbian
8. Jalapenos Punishment Penis What? Oh... OH! Nasty.
9. t is a social pariah Poor t. He never could measure up to T.
10. What are the large berries on my potatoes? They're eyes. Ooooo.

P.S. I won't be on tomorrow. I'm taking a play day (Yay!). Have a safe and fun weekend. Hoop and I will be spending ours at Halloween Horror Nights getting the crap scared out of us.

Lo-Cal Post

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Oh no.
Hoop: What?
Tink: Itch!
Hoop: Where?
Tink: On my back.
Hoop: I'll get it.
Tink: Up. Up. Up. No, right. Down. Down. Ahhhhhhh.
Hoop: Better?
Tink: Oh yeah. Thank you! That was a bad one.
Hoop: Don't worry. I tracked it down and killed it.

I'm like butter baby. I must be on a roll!
The incredible and talented Jo gave me the "Better Than Butter" award last week. As usual, I'm just now getting around to acknowledging it. Thank you for spreading the love Jo! I'm honored to have you as a homebloy.



April Search Terms:
(What people type into search engines that gets them here)
Beef gangster They call me Tony Baloney Montana.
All hands on the poop desk Can I at least swab it first
diaper boy website
carmeltoe
uglies woman ever 3D I only recommend it for the blind.
arm wrastlin
Easter boobs

P.S. I'm halfway through the next Twisted Tink chapter. For those still following along, expect additions by the end of this week.

No Good

No good could come of my broken brain today.

All I can think of is work, and the idiots around me who orbit like dysfunctional satellites. I walk to the coffee pot and they circle, asking things like "How do you spell 'scratch'?" Grown men, old enough to be my father, and they can't spell at a third grade level! When I complained to the receptionist she replied, "Don't they have spellcheck?" As if THAT were the point. I walk back to my desk and they swoop in to gather data. "How do you forward an email?" "How do you put paper in the printer?" "Can you fix this for me?" I want to stab at them with my stapler, screaming "Back! Back!"

But I don't. Instead I calmly go and fix their problems, answer their queries, tell them there are no stupid questions. But I'm lying. There really ARE stupid questions. I hear about a hundred a day. Last night I dreamt that my ex-boyfriend's wife broke into our house because she wanted to see what were we're all about. But the roof was caving in and it reeked of cat pee. She acted appalled and quickly declined my offer of coffee. "We don't have any cats," I remember thinking. "This isn't what we're about!" I yelled after her. Then I closed the door and cried. I don't know why. It's all so strange.

My parent's, the biological one and the adopted, aren't speaking to each other at the moment. So I can't act happy until they're through. It just wouldn't do. I can't talk about the cute things Hoop said to me today, or the way I woke up smelling his hair and I didn't want to leave the bed. I can't talk about how he has annoyed me lately either. That would clearly mark me on the side of my Mother... or man-haters... or women in general. So I don't talk. It's not safe. Instead, I watch the clock and wait for the day to change. Is it the weekend yet? Can I stop pretending to be nice, or to care, or that I'm really sane under here?

Like I said... No good can come of my broken brain today.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
When We're Together I secretly blame my farts on you.
Revolter What is... A gun that makes you sick.
Grinning Ear To Ear Has anyone ever stopped to imagine how WEIRD that would look?
Misunderstood? Not really. They all pretty much understand that I'm a nut.

January Search Terms:
(What people type into search engines that gets them here)
my hamster got shaken what can I do Oh no! Quick, reverse time.
warmed cockles
I hate elves Me too. Unless they're making me rice crispie treats... or cookies.
sesame street squares are really rectangles
homemade nair Removes the skin as well as the hair!

A Bunch Of Shit I Just Threw Together

Van at FuriousBlog tagged me I-don't-even-know-how-long-ago and I've ignored the email ever since. It's not because I don't adore him. I just... Well, memes make me cringe a little. If I get one more request for four unique facts about me, I'm going to start telling people shit that isn't true. Like maybe I have a sexual fetish for Post-it notes. Oh yeah, wrap your brain around that one my friends.

(two other names you go by)
Babe and Cristinky
(two things you are wearing right now)
clothes and dog hair
(two things you would want (or have) in a relationship)
laughter and the ability to forgive
(two of your favorite things to do)
make up new lyrics to songs on the fly and take trips with Hoop
(two things you want very badly at the moment)
a vacation and a big wad of found cash
(two pets you had/have)
a mouse named Lucky (who wasn't) and a mouse named Zoa (after spermatozoa)
(two people you think will fill this out)
you and you
(two things that you did last night)
ate steak and opened presents
(two things you ate today)
chips and cake (but not together)
(two people you last talked to)
Hoop and the voice in my head
(two things you’re doing tomorrow)
driving to our other facility and training a new employee
(two longest car rides)
Indiana to Florida and then Florida to Indiana (four times!)
(two favorite holidays)
Halloween and Christmas
(two favorite beverages)
coffee and key lime water
(two people no longer alive who you’d like to talk to)
Amelia Earhart and Roald Dahl

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Do I have weird elbows?
Hoop: Yup.
Tink: You mean your arms don't go in and then out again if you hold them out in front of you with your palms up?
Hoop: Um, NO.
Tink: Why did it take me twenty-five years to realize I have dysfunctional arms?!
Hoop: Your arms aren't dysfunctional, babe. Just your elbows.
Tink: Oh God I hope our kids take after you. We're going to have mutant babies, I just know it.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: My boss yelled at me again for not putting the toilet seat down. I told her, "Well maybe women should learn to put the seat up!" I don't want to have to touch it. That's gross!
Tink: They don't want to have to touch it either! Besides, guys are the ones that dribble all over the place.
Hoop: Well maybe I'll just start peeing with the seat down.
Tink: I'm glad I don't have to deal with that. I have two private bathrooms at my disposal, one to pee in and one to poop in.
Hoop: *Chokes*
Tink: What, you thought I stayed at this job for the MONEY?

January Search Terms:
1. "turned to poo" Why you should NEVER piss off your Fairy Godmother.
2. blowjob revenge knife Ouch
3. I'm too chubby for my shirt
4. How to attract fairies to come inside your house Pizza and beer
5. It can never be over until it's over

I'm off to my company's other facility. See you on Friday Homebloys!

Politically Incorrect

I always feel bad when I see those "missing pet" posters hanging around the neighborhood. Except for this one.

Don't mind if I hope your cat STAYS gone, dude. Although, this might explain the sudden rash of new posters. Hm.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: You know we live in the south when the waiter asks the customers if they're Christian or not.
Hoop: When did that happen?
Tink: Just now. Our waiter asked the couple behind us if they were Christian, then he started promoting his Christian rock band to them.
Hoop: That's crazy.
Tink: I know, right? When did that become OK?
Hoop: No, I mean, I could have sworn our waiter was gay.
Tink: *Blink*

August Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. if i knew it was that kind of party i'd stick my dick in the mashed potatoes I bet you don't get too many Thanksgiving invitations.
2. picture of very old man in speedo No! Now leave this blog immediately.
3. what goes with white trim? Um, EVERYTHING.
4. stick your finger in your navel and smell it Mmm. Linty goodness.
5. funny sayings for 65th birthday roast You're so old, when you were born the dead sea was still sick.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Pamer said it be awesome if we opened one of the bananas and a bunch of baby spiders crawled out.
Hoop: Ew!
Tink: Right? Blech. But I don't think we have anything to worry about.
Hoop: ...
Tink: ...
Hoop: So, are we moving the bananas?
Tink: You bet-cher-ass we are!

Deep Thought Of The Day: What would you do if your boss asked you to do something you felt was morally wrong? What if it could potentially get you in trouble? At what point do you choose your standards over your job and visa versa? Discuss.

Harry Potter A Go-Go

It's the topic on everyone's lips today... What will become of Harry Potter?

"The End."

Something all who have followed the story have been anticipating with excitement and dread. There is security around the boxes at the local bookstore. People run in to see if they can reserve a copy and leave dejected. "We've been sold out for weeks." The cashier says, as if she's said it a million times already today. There are teenagers walking the street with wands and brooms, striped socks and black framed glasses. Kids are put down for naps in expectation of a long night. We wait.

I never thought I'd get wrapped up in this. Sure, I love the books. But I never thought I'd be the kind to watch the clock, to plan my night around standing in line. There's a static charge in the air. I have to know. I have to know the end before someone tells me. That's what it boils down to. I could wait a week. I've just begun reading the 6th book again. I've had numerous discussions with coworkers and friends about what we think is going on. But after tonight, there will be no more guessing. Anyone could know.

Where will you be when the clock strikes midnight? The end is coming...

Will you be there?

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: Got any big plans this weekend?
Tink: Hoop and I are going to the B&N tonight for the Harry Potter book release.
Coworker: Are they doing something special?
Tink: They have face painting, costumes, contests, stuff like that. For the most part it's just a bunch of people milling around and waiting for the book to be released. Last time they had over 200 people there.
Coworker: 200 people?! Aren't you worried about riots and fights breaking out?
Tink: *Blink* At a HARRY POTTER assembly?
Coworker: You never know.
Tink: Us book nerds are usually a pretty peaceful lot.
Coworker: You can't tell me all those little kids waving around their pointy wands doesn't scare you. *Shudder*

July Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. shrinking brother Now that's a trick! Does it work on exes too?
2. dog tits Proof of what dogs do while we're away... They search on the Internet for porn.
3. ass like whoa
4. strong tink I've been eating Wheaties.
5. funny film man with leaky nipples

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Somebody's birthday is in less than a month.
Hoop: Whose?
Tink: Yours.
Hoop: I'm not having any more birthdays.
Tink: No?
Hoop: Nope. I'm giving you time to catch up.

Have a great weekend!

Eternal Twilight of a Spotty Mind

I feel like rambling today... and toast. Toast would be nice.

For those who don't know, I smoke. I tried to quit over a year ago. The experiment was a huge disaster. The drug I was on, Welbutrin, did nothing after the first week to cure my cravings. It DID, on the other hand, increase my libido to that of a fourteen year old boy's. My highs were higher, my lows were lower. In between the mood swings and insatiable desires, I felt void of feelings and thoughts. I cried for days that I would never live normally, immobilized by the fear that I would do something that might trigger a nicotine attack.

So I fell off the wagon. Or maybe I just slipped off in the middle of the night. Regardless, I started smoking again. Spare me the sermons, please. There isn't anything you can say that I haven't already heard. The reason I'm mentioning this now is because they've developed a new drug. This one is supposed to repress the addictive portion of your brain. It actually makes smoking (and in some cases, drinking) un-enjoyable. Sounds perfect, right? Here's my quandary. What if it represses other addictions too?

What if I wake up after taking it and no longer like making lists, or sex, or the taste of coffee? Would I still be me? I read the news each morning and am amazed by all the advancements in technology. I want to believe that we're moving toward the common good of man, making things easier and more efficient. Did you know that Microsoft is making a tabletop computer? You can use all ten fingers at one time. It can read your credit card information just by setting the card on its surface. No more wait time for paying at a bars or restaurants!

Then I read articles like this. They're developing ways to erase people's memories... ON PURPOSE. Their justification is that they'd use it on trauma victims. But all I can think of is that Michel Gondry movie where a man and woman decide to have their memories of each other erased after a bad breakup. The implications are frightening. One fight could mean the end of your existence to someone. Not to mention if the techs fuck it up and erase more then they're supposed to. "Hi! My name is... My name is..." Shouldn't they be working on a cure for Alzheimer's instead?

It's because of these scary developments that I'm hesitant to buy into any miracle cures. Every day they post new warnings about the products we use on a daily basis. Coffee is good for you. Coffee is bad. Coffee in moderation can be healthy. It prevents Parkinson's disease. No wait, it causes strokes. What the hell?! I feel like a lab rat who they keep shocking just for the fun of it. So, I'm undecided on whether or not to take the new pill. I'd like to stop smoking. I'd like to live longer and be healthier. But at what cost?

July Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. How to paint tiny specks of paint on the wall You could always do what I did and sneeze on the brush. Of course, that wasn't intentional.
2. Splenda causes eye twitch I'd rather be skinny and twitchy.
3. Redneck Moms Come on down! You can get them by the truck-full here.
4. mitsubishi black smoke clean up Because Mitsubishi smoke is so much different than any other?
5. solid gold dildo Sounds great in theory. But you'd have to share it with a dozen people just to afford it.

Scatterbrained

It's Friday, the day I've been waiting for since Sunday night.

If you're expecting some masterpiece post here, you might want to move along now. Instead, I give you more evidence of my addiction to lists.

Awesome Bud Light Commercials:
1. Swear Jar
2. How Ugly Girls Get Asked To Dance
3. Secret Fridge
4. Hidden Bud Light

Stoopid Peapole:

After the little escapade Hoop and I had with Walmart on Monday, I decided to email a complaint to the website. The response I got back was that they were sorry for my inconvenience and that the second desk I had ordered had been damaged in shipping. So without asking, they were cancelling my order and refunding me the money. Niiice. Apparently their method of dealing with pissed off customers is to piss them off even more.

The sheriff who released Paris Hilton from jail.

Most of us use "..." to signify a dramatic pause or halt in a sentence. This person uses it as replacement for normal punctuation. Seen in an email, "I look forward to working with all of you in the first quarter on these opportunities...and as stated before our fundamentals are in place...we have nothing to fear...lets go get the volume!!!" Correction, there are also three (count them, THREE) !'s in there as well.


Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for Tuesday are Air and Earth.

June Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Horse in a bikini It better be a big bikini
2. Ms. suzi had a bunny Ms. suzi had a cat one went to heaven the other went to hell-o operator It was a steamboat, and the steamboat had a bell. Duh.
3. walmart "we don't have to dress up" So, you wear that ugly blue vest by choice?
4. Stupid realtor I see you've had the pleasure of meeting mine.
5. tomato soup and dog pee That's one way to lose weight.
6. my boyfriend's nipples taste like onions *Gasp* My long lost brother!

Have a GREAT weekend guys!

Just Add Alcohol

Sorry I didn't post yesterday.

I was hiding out in my fort.

Unfortunately, because the fort was invisible, people kept finding me. I need to learn how to make myself invisible too. Work has been overwhelming lately. It's our busy season and I'm going on vacation in a week and a half. Which means everyone is rushing to dump as much as they can on my desk before I leave. I call it "The Great Asshole Race of 2007."

We got Hoop's car back last night. We're $1,600 in the hole and the damn thing is STILL overheating. We haven't even touched the bodywork yet. I keep thinking this year will get better. My Mom's theory is that all the bad stuff is getting knocked out in the first half of the year and that the second half will be better. On July 2nd at noon, the year will officially be half over. I think we should all celebrate.

I didn't take any pictures over the weekend, despite my good intentions. It bums me out. I was really excited about Odd Mix's word selection. Bless Hoop's heart, he couldn't stand to see me so glum, and tried in vain to spark a muse. He made shadow puppets on the wall using Duff's toys. The headless pony made an appearance as well as the humping monkey. Yes. They were together.

Stoopid Peapole:

Seen on a professional document from corporate office, "Not every vendor carried these products just for your information's."

The other night, Hoop and I went to pick up a desk we had ordered from Walmart.com. Regardless that the desk had already been paid for, the employee behind the counter refused to help us without a confirmation number. Hoop asked if the number could be obtained by calling a help line. The girl shrugged. Neither the employee or the manager knew what the help desk number was. So Hoop took a shot in the dark and dialed 1-800-Walmart. Lo and behold, it worked.

Overheard on the radio, "Your girlfriend shot at you, and now you're wondering if you should break up with her?" "Yes."

June Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. granny huge boobs, papa likes feeling them Maybe he's just trying to rub her knee.
2. Easter bunny boobs You are one sick puppy bunny.
3. Itty Bitty Titties I'm detecting a theme here.
4. fraudulent hermaphrodite photos
5. wireless vibrating underwear for him Does it come with GPS tracking too?
6. purchase pickled beef It can be yours for 3 easy payments of... $25,000! What a steal.

Check out this awesome video of a couple of "Quick Change Artists." I've watched it four times and I can't figure out how they do it!

Tomorrow: Everyone's favorite, Folioweekly ads!

Tongue Wagging

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Do you remember when you first bought your car and I pushed you to pick a name for it?
Hoop: Yeah.
Tink: Well, I just thought of a really good one.
Hoop: *Groan* What?
Tink: Little Timmy!
Hoop: That sounds like the name of a handicapped kid.
Tink: Exactly.
Hoop: I'm not naming my car that.
Tink: Poor Little Timmy.
Hoop: Not unless we can start a fundraiser for him.

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. employees who have to ask permission to pee Now that's what I call incentive to move up the corporate ladder.
2. horseshoe crab's pee Welcome to the ocean.
3. Nipples taste So you're saying maybe THEY ate the onions?
4. alanis morissette peeing in a cup That's about as ironic as her song.
5. Yo ho You better be a pirate, buddy.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(While walking on the beach)
Dog Walker: You can't have flashlights here.
Hoop: We can't have flashlights?
Dog Walker: No, it's turtle egg season.
Tink: I've NEVER heard of a flashlight ban, and we come here all the time.
Dog Walker: *Shrug* My wife got yelled at by the cops last night for having a flashlight. They told her they could have taken her to jail.
Hoop: Aw man! That kind of ruins the plans for tonight.
Tink: Well, thanks for the warning.
(Walks away)
Hoop: What are we going to do? Should we head back to the car?
Tink: *Looks over shoulder* Here's what we're going to do.
Hoop: What?
Tink: We're going to wait until that guy leaves...
Hoop: Uh huh.
Tink: Then we're going to turn our flashlights on.

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: Do you want to go to Wendy's with me for lunch?
Tink: No, thank you. I have peanuts.
Coworker: Peanuts aren't a lunch.
Tink: I'm trying to conserve money by spending no more than $1 on lunch each day.
Coworker: $1 isn't going to get you very far.
Tink: It goes further than you think. With $1 you can get a water and a package of cookies, or a bag of chips, or a coke and a pack of gum.
Coworker: That's pathetic, Tink.
Tink: I call it the "Dirt Poor Diet." It might just be the new trend.
Coworker: I'm getting you a burger.
Tink: That makes you my first share holder!

Combo Platter

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I wish I had a fast forward button. I'd skip right through this day.
Hoop: I wish I had a pause button. I'd stop time as soon as we got home. Then we could unpause it whenever we were ready to go back.
Tink: We'd never unpause it then!
Hoop: Exactly.
Tink: We'd live our whole lives suspended in a day.
Hoop: Wouldn't that be great?
Tink: We could travel.
Hoop: We'd have to buy a boat.
Tink: Pfft. We could steal a boat. Who would know?
Hoop: That's true.
Tink: We'd have to be careful though. No one would be there to help us if we got lost or hurt.
Hoop: We could drift along and fish for food.
Tink: The fish would be pretty easy to catch.
Hoop: We could just scoop them out of the water.
Tink: *Sigh* I wish I had invented the world.

Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: Last night I dreamt that I removed all my teeth.
Coworker: Eww.
Tink: Then I tried to put them back in but they wouldn't fit. So I ate them.
Coworker: Were they good?
Tink: Eh. Kind of crunchy.

Spam Mail Subjects:
"Get your swiss together" Between a few slices of ham maybe.
"Rolex mania is down" So you no longer have to promise your first born to get one?

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
bunifa cell phone smoothie That's one way to recycle.
does a dandelion tell if you like butter Sorry, I don't speak "dandelion."
how to keep a bathtub white Don't use it.
gay sports Um... DRAG racing?
Should I try to rekindle a toxic relationship? You obviously don't watch Dr. Phil.
I would like to tear off your bra and suck milk from your sexy boobs Only if you spend 10 months in my uterus first buddy.
Arabella get naked in Playboy Hey now. Whatever she did before I met her is none of my business.
Does steak make your boobs grow? Buy me some steaks and I'll let you know.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Shouting from separate rooms)
Hoop: Hey babe!
Tink: Yeah?
Hoop: Could you help me take off my clothes?
Tink: You can't do it yourself?
Hoop: No.
Tink: Nice try, Hoop.
...
Hoop: Hey babe!
Tink: Yeah?
Hoop: I have a present in my pants for you!


Courtesy of Odd Mix:

Time
Remain

Come on, you know you want to play! Rules of the game are here.

Twisted (Tink): I've updated each chapter with buttons so you can scroll backwards and forwards through the pages instead of clicking home every time.

Have a great weekend guys!

Catastrophe Averted

Updates:
1. Grandma's surgery went well! They didn't find cancer in any other organs. She's recovering and should be back at home (on bed rest) come Sunday.
2. There are over 200 fires in Florida right now. They say the dry spells are getting worse. In the past six months there have been only two days of significant rain, and they were the same days we had tornadoes. Maybe Hoop and I should put our house up for sale as "Future Desert-Front Property"?
3. The fire near my parents' house has slowed down a bit, thanks to Subtropical Depression Andrea. No new evacuations have been ordered as of yet.
4. Hoop has decided he wants to become a stripper.
5. Not really. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Around The Water Cooler:
Boss: I have nothing to say to you.
Tink: Then why say anything at all?
Boss: Oh, you're gooood.
Tink: That's why you hired me, sir.

Around The Water Cooler 2:
Coworker: I heard about the fires near your parents' house. Is everything OK?
Tink: Yeah, Papa Bear said he'd call if they evacuate.
Coworker: Are they going to stay at your house if they do?
Tink: Well, the boys will. Papa Bear is determined to stay and fight off the flames himself.
Coworker: WHY?
Tink: He says it's because they wouldn't have time to move the horses. Personally, I think he's itching for the chance to play hero.
Coworker: So... Barbecue at their house on Friday?
Tink: Pretty much.

Tagged By Cindi:
7 Things Meme (Seven random facts/habits about me)

1. I can't pee if I know someone is listening. It wigs me out.
2. I used to bite my toenails.
3. I'm a compulsive hand washer. Which also means I go through A LOT of lotion. But I also don't get sick that often.
4. I can't stand carpet. I think having carpet is like wearing the same shirt every day without washing it.
5. I love ears. I nibble and play with Hoop's all the time. I used to tug on mine whenever I was nervous. Then someone pointed it out.
6. I used to wish I was a hot Asian chick.
7. I hate suspension bridges, but LOVE roller coasters.

P.S. Tag, if you're feeling froggy.

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. names for a womans privates Check out my list here.
2. where can i buy pickled beef That depends. How much money have you got?
3. taboo 3 - two 40ish moms seduce pizza guy That's taboo?
4. it's your virgin, take it back How did it get stolen in the first place?
5. dog diarrhea puke cures I suggest plugging up the holes.
6. Thinking Room Sorry, next blog. This here is the Stupid Room.
7. hottest chick of mud bogging The first one you find with all of her teeth.
8. Why do my girlfriends nipples taste funny? Hoop?!

Every Prom Has A Queen

I wasn't it. But my date fancied herself as one.

She even bought a tiara for the occasion.

(In honor of Sunshine's Blog Prom. Here is a story back from 2001.)

Her name was KG. You might remember her from a previous post. Having dropped out of school during her Freshman year, KG never got the chance to go to a prom. When my Senior one came up, she not-so-subtly hinted that she wanted to go. So I invited her. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that we could do each other's hair and makeup? She wasn't that kind of friend. The moment I invited her, it stopped being our prom and started being hers. She even referred to it as such. "Do you like the shoes I bought for my prom?" She asked one day, flashing me the $50 glass pumps her Dad had just bought her. "They match your dress," I replied moodily.

Her dress was the same one she'd worn for her wedding. It was hand beaded and had cost her parents a small fortune. Which was OK, since the dress got more use than the marriage did. "What do you think of this necklace?" Her husband asked while tossing a small gold box at me. "It's beautiful!" I gushed, staring at the small diamond pendant inside. "Anniversary gift?" "No, it's for KG's prom. She's really excited about it." I wanted to hand him my ticket and beg him to go in my place. But seeing as I was the legitimate student, I couldn't back out of my promise. Soon enough, the big night arrived. KG's parents took a dozen pictures and her husband kissed her good-bye. The situation was beyond weird.

Once we arrived, KG ran around greeting people. Most didn't even remember who she was. "I'm KG, remember?" I overheard her asking the class president. "I dropped out my Freshman year. But now I'm married and working on my GED!" She spoke with such pride. I quietly wandered off to explore the other side of the room. Randomly throughout the night, KG came back to check on me. Each time she stopped by she looked more and more upset. "This isn't as fun as I thought it would be," she pouted two hours after we'd arrived. Seeing an opening, I suggested we leave. It wasn't until we were driving home that I saw the humor in the situation.

I watched KG as she flicked ashes out the car window and rattled on about how pathetic everyone had become. She'd tried SO desperately to dress herself up. She had the white dress, the glass shoes, the sparkly jewels, and even the tiny tiara. But none of those things could disguise her unpretty life. I never believed in prom. I wanted to. All that hype about "one magical night" appealed to me. I loved the idea of someone asking me to go with them officially, to enmesh myself in the ritual of dress and ceremony. When I was younger I thought, "How adult it must feel. How important!" But it never really did. It always felt like I was trying to play pretend. Which is fitting, in a way.

April Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. pictures of hoop's pussy I think you're a bit confused.
2. roller-coasters after recovering from brain surgery? The first image that came to mind was scrambled eggs. So I'm going to say no.
3. my vibrator has two wheels A cure for road rage!
4. naked pictures of hoop's tits Only if you provide the beads.
5. using superglue to stick the labia to the leg Maybe it was flapping in the breeze?
6. fart tink Never on command.

Tomorrow: WWC Pictures!
Thursday: Good-bye April

Casting Call

Wanted: someone to play me in a made-for-TV movie.

You must be proficient in painting, not sleeping, and have the ability to fake enthusiasm. I won't lie; it doesn't pay well. But think of how great it will look on your resume! When you're done, you can replay it at night for a sleep aid.

Last night I painted baseboards until midnight. The highlight of my evening was when Hoop brought home tape so I wouldn't have to use a dust pan to separate the carpet from the wall anymore. Just typing that made me want to yawn. By eleven I had stopped pulling my hair from the paint and had started painting over it instead. There is enough DNA in my house right now to build a Tink clone.

Ah. A clone would be niiiice.

Hoop's Dad is coming in two days. If I don't sleep and skip every other meal I MIGHT get the house in order before he comes. Otherwise, I'm going to have to play Sophie's Choice on my "To Do" list. Do I clean the bathrooms or buy food? Move beds into the rooms or boxes out of them? Ugh. When does it end? I need a brain enema.

Eventually this will all be over.

There will be dishes in our cabinets and furniture in our rooms. We won't have to wash towels every night because we'll have more than two. I'll look back on all of this and laugh. The kind of laughter that is funny, not the hysterical kind I'm having right now. Hoop found two marbles in his car last night. "They're mine," I told him. "I lost them last week." He smiled in that pitying way and patted me on the head. "I know babe. I know."

April Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Slime Sucker! Snot Licker!
2. Yo, make pickled beef Yo, I don't wanna.
3. "goes to my butt" What is, "EVERYTHING."
4. car drives when scary face pops out And that's how I got in the accident, officer.
5. fart poop pass gas fetish Hoop's dream chick.
6. week old beef stinks a little It's FINE. Go ahead and eat it!
7. Do you remember last night when you gave me head in the wal-mart parking lot? I should hope I remember if it was only last night.
8. nail polish evidence You've been reading too much Nancy Drew.

Semi-Good Deed

Last May, Hoop and I started the slow process of whittling down our belongings. First went the keepsakes, unused furniture, and decorations. They were the easiest to pack. Next went the extra dishes, towels, sheets, and clothes. Then came the bulkier items (beds, dressers, TVs, computers) and the things we never thought we'd live without. In the end, we learned how to live out of five small clothes bins, with a box for our shoes and a trash bag filled with toiletries.

At first it bothered me. I felt unprepared. My answer to everything was, "We have one of those packed somewhere." But as the months rolled by, I learned to like living like a nomad. I felt free. No one could judge me for the quality of my things. I didn't have to worry about dusting or cleaning anything. There was nothing to break or replace. There was no worry about overused space. I didn't have to bother with getting rid of anything, it was just... gone.

All of that stopped the moment we unloaded the truck.

"What is all this?" "It's our stuff." "Really? But, WHY?"

Our garage is a tetris of boxes and furniture from floor to ceiling. I wandered the garage as we unloaded, reading labels like "spare cables" and "desk junk" off of boxes. It finally sunk in when I found an extra large box that read, "hangers." Who the hell needs an extra large box of hangers?! "What are we going to do with all this stuff?" I asked Hoop as he and Nash unloaded our secondhand entertainment stand. He shrugged. "We don't need this stand anymore. I'm going to buy us that flat screen." "Good!" I replied, instantly arming myself with marker and tape.

"FREE TO GOOD HOME," the sign read.

Ten minutes later a small pickup truck pulled up. "I have a good home!" The female driver shouted. I was thrilled. Unfortunately, the stand wouldn't fit in the back of her truck. "That's OK. We're on our way out," Hoop told her. "We can just drop it off at your place." "What do you want to bet she lives in an apartment?" Nash laughed. "On the second floor around the back." I assured them the woman would not make them carry it in. "We're strangers. She's not going to want us in her house!" But of course, she did. Second story, around the back.

"Thank you so much! I'm a single Mom with two kids. Stuff like this is so great to find. I swear something good is going to happen for you three soon." We smiled and left, happy with our good deed. Or semi-good deed if you'd rather. It wasn't too much of a sacrifice. Of course the boys had suffered the worst of it. The flight of stairs they'd carried the stand up was barely wide enough to fit them, let alone a bulky piece of furniture. But they'd managed and we'd found a home for something we didn't really need. "I hope I win the lotto now," Hoop said as we pulled out of the apartment complex.

But what came back around (for me) wasn't a winning lotto ticket.

It was a pack of gum.

We had just sat down to eat when I reached into my purse to find my phone. What I grabbed instead was a small square package. It was wrapped in a hairband and had a little note attached. "I love you," it read. I felt a small ache start in my chest and sniffled back some tears. Sometime, in the midst of our good-byes, my Mom had slipped the little token into my purse. She knew that no matter how much I had missed my freedom, I was going to miss her too. It's been a difficult journey. She just wanted me to know that it was all going to be OK. In that moment, that pack of gum was everything I could ever want and need. It was the perfect gift for a semi-good deed.

March Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Armpit lover You would love Indiana. It's like the armpit of the U.S.
2. Tulip Sniffer Much more pleasant than the above fellow.
3. Alternatives to cussing Cheese and Rice! Son of a Biscuit Eater!
4. Please be kind enough to give me an excuse My blog ate it.
5. Hives from beef in last year No hives here. Unless you count the termites. Do they have hives?

Junk

Ugh. Grrr. Mmm.

Sounds of a zombie?
Bizarre lovemaking?
Tink without coffee? Ding, ding, ding!

March Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. parents bed squeaks If you're old enough to Google it, you're old enough to have "the talk."
2. "you're such a vagina" Someone does say it!
3. soupylicious
4. goofy legs
5. plan: perve on airplane plan: pack taser
6. I love my hamster Hopefully not too much.
7. Granny bed thumbs What an awful porn name.

Awesome Article: (Original/Full article can be found HERE)

RITUAL DRAWS SWEETHEARTS TO ROME BRIDGE
Sweethearts in the Italian capital have adopted a new ritual as a symbol of undying love: hanging a padlock on a lamppost on the city's most ancient bridge and throwing the key into the Tiber. The craze has drawn hundreds of couples in the few months since it started — causing city officials to wonder whether the ancient Roman bridge is suited for such an overwhelming display of passions.

Some couples write their names or a message on the lock. They throw the key into the river over their shoulders to avoid seeing where it falls. It's quite a change of scenery for a bridge that has seen more war than love since it was built in the second century B.C. Ponte Milvio served as the battlefield between rival emperors Constantine and Maxentius in 312; it was the backdrop of the Italians' struggle for independence in the 1800s.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: This program reminds me of the documentaries they showed in middle school. If they start talking about how babies are made, I'm leaving.
Mom: Don't you know?
Tink: How babies are made?
Mom: Yeah.
Tink: Well duh. The stork brings them.
Mom: Only SOME of them. The other half comes from the Cabbage Patch.
Tink: Yeah, the bad half.
Mom: Well that explains it!
Tink: What?
Mom: That's where I got all three of you.
Tink: Touche.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Am I insane for loving you as much as I do?
Tink: ...
Hoop: Babe?
Tink: I'm trying to figure out how to answer that.

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "Strange Coincidences." Whose room has Tink landed in? Will she be welcome if she's discovered? As always, comments, suggestions, and critiques are appreciated. Looters and people carrying tomatoes will be sporked. Which is not nearly as kinky as it sounds.

Have a great weekend!

Cashing In The Memory Bank

(Blog fodder provided by The P.I.T.S. List)

How old were you when you had your first french kiss?

Eleven was a rough year for me. Boys were no longer gross, and had quickly become creatures of mystery. My body was changing in subtle ways. Although I wasn't old enough to have boobs yet, I was still young enough to believe I'd grow "big ones." (I'm still waiting on that.) We had just moved into a new house. The most popular girl in the neighborhood's old house to be exact. I was a target before I'd even enrolled at Warren Elementary. A fact that I unknowingly helped along.

On the first day of school I wore my most "fashionable" vest and turtleneck set. An ensemble that was nothing compared to the stringy blond hair and coke-bottle glasses that accessorized it. "Do you think he's cute?" The MPG (Most Popular Girl) asked while we stood in line for the drinking fountain. I nodded, anxious for her approval. "Well you can't have him. He's mine!" She yelled, yanking on one of the ringlets my Mom had spent hours creating that morning.

From that moment on I was laughed at. It didn't matter that I thought the MPB (Most Popular Boy) rude and stupid. His girlfriend spread the word that I liked him, and that was ammunition enough for the other kids. No other boy dared flirt with me. Girls hesitated to lend me their pens. Even the teacher found their jokes amusing, before she made them stop. It was as if the MPG had stamped a large scarlet "L" on my forehead.

After school I'd watch the kids next door play basketball as I practiced dribbling. I didn't even like basketball. But it was the first thing on my wish list that Christmas. On the other side of my house lived a boy named Ryan. He was a Junior High Schooler. Words best spoken in a hushed or awed tone. "Junior. High. Schooler." I idolized him. He tolerated me. Eventually, whether out of boredom or pity, he even began hanging out with me.

We'd go on hikes through the woods behind my house. He'd pick burrs off my shoes when I started crying (because he'd lied and said they were spider eggs. "They're going to hatch and devour your toes!") He lent me his jacket when it was cold. He told me I was pretty. It didn't matter that he liked to play strange games. Like "Wrestling In The Dark." A game that always left me pinned to the floor and him panting above me.

"How far have you gone?" Ryan asked me one day. "All the way to Ohio," I replied. I remember the look on his face. Vividly. "No stupid. How FAR have you gone?" Then he made a face like he was tongue fighting a vacuum hose. "OH! Um... I've been felt up before." I lied. I had no idea what that even meant. His eyes got wide. "By who?" "This guy I used to date." All of a sudden I was an expert on the matter. Brilliant. "Could I feel you up?" He asked. I was horrified. "NO!" I snapped, turning tail and running home.

He must have been pretty offended. He went to my house the next day and tattled to my Mom. She was outraged. I couldn't leave the house after that without being grilled about where I'd been and what I'd been doing. As if I had any actual friends to be getting in trouble with. As for Ryan? Of course I still hung out with the schmuck. I was eleven, and stupid. But the dynamics of our friendship had changed a bit. We became hell bent on making each other think we weren't interesting in each other.

A ploy which lead me to my first real kiss. A kiss that was NOT given by Ryan, incidently...

More on Monday.

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...

Rush
Wait

February Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Fuck in Egypt Right now I'd settle for anywhere but the floor.
2. "watch my girlfriend" Do what? Tricks?
3. waiting for my period blogs You don't need a support group. You need a pee test.
4. lashes from whip would probably really hurt
5. What does it mean when the cursor arrow is giggling? You've had too much to drink.
6. answer for car accident-meaning of severed heads Um... They're dead. This isn't rocket surgery.
7. T The letter of the day. Brought to you by I, N, and K.
8. See my tampon Ewwww, no. I'm sure it's... lovely.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Updates (Finally)

I feel like I've been having an out of body experience for the last four days.

The closing on Monday night went much smoother than expected. Which doesn't explain why I haven't posted updates until today. The truth is, I didn't want to think about it anymore. So I stuck it on a shelf and pretended it wasn't there. Some people call that "denial." I call it "fucking brilliant."

I'm thinking about doing it with other uncomfortable memories too. That peeing incident from fourth grade? Stashed. Next is my collection of horrible hair-dos and family gatherings. Oh, and let's not forget the time Grandpa pulled out his dentures and convinced me I could do the same with my teeth too.

Monday Night: When I walked into the title company I was greeted by four smiling people.

The seller, who was smiling out of confusion as if to say, "Who is this little girl and where are her cookies?"

The seller's Realtor, who was smiling like a shark that was ready for dinner.

The title representative, who was smiling and sweating as he stared down a plate of pastries.

My Realtor, who was grinning nervously and making too-polite conversation with the enemy other party.

I told them as I sat down that I was waiting for my Mom to arrive. I had decided last minute to pull Hoop out of the closing. Something I would later be made to pay for. Despite my persistence to wait, they kept shoving paperwork at me to sign. "I'm sure it's all in order," my Realtor said, smiling sweetly at the seller. "I think my client has gone well beyond the call of duty," the other Realtor chimed.

They impatiently stared at me as we waiting. I know what they were thinking. "She needs someone to hold her hand." But I didn't. I could see that the paperwork was in order. I could have signed. I was waiting for my moral support to arrive. I knew the moment Mom walked through that door that someone was on my side. Even if I didn't really need it.

So the house is officially ours! I signed over my soul and traded the money for a set of keys. Hoop and I had a long talk last night about support, insecurities, and the walls we've built up between each other in the last two weeks. I've come to realize I'm excellent at masonry ;). As with the new house, we plan on working on it. We love each other too much to simply throw "us" away.

The hardest part is over. Soon enough it'll be time for the fun to begin.

February Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. scrotum cream Try the blog down the street.
2. what guys think about while having sex According to Hoop, it's baseball.
3. scary hairy dude Whatever you do, DONT Google that term... You're going to aren't you? Don't say I didn't warn you.
4. totally useless information An octopus' testicles are located in its head.
5. hoop up anal You can try... But he's a pretty big guy.
6. pickled penis dahmer We all have nicknames we're not proud of.

Antinkdote

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(Talking on two-ways)
Tink: Hold on babe. There's a moped on the road. I'm going to try and pass it.
Hoop: OK.
Tink: You will not believe what I just saw.
Hoop: What?
Tink: When I went to pass, I noticed the driver was bobbing his head up and down really hard. So of course I looked in my rearview to see what was going on-
Hoop: Uh huh.
Tink: -and he was wearing clown make-up!
Hoop: Clown make-up.
Tink: Yeah. Freaky huh?
Hoop: I know how much you love clowns.
Tink: He had a white face, a big red mouth, and two black triangles under his eyes. Should I go back and take a picture?
Hoop: You would go BACK?
Tink: I wouldn't get OUT. Didn't you hear me? There's a fucking clown out there!

RETURN OF THE Things That Make You Go, "WTF?":
1. I can never remember which "which/witch" is which.
2. He's the un-silent silent partner.
3. I used to be scared of my vibrator. So I started calling it Huey, after that cute white duck on cartoons. I'm OK with the vibrator now. I'm just not OK with ducks.
4. Do you think they have hookers in heaven?

Not Far From The Tree:
Papa Bear: Come here Big Bit.
Big Bit: Why?
Papa Bear: I want to wipe a booger on you.
Big Bit: Ew! No way. Use a towel.
Tink: A TOWEL?
Big Bit: It's better than my shirt!
Tink: I don't know if anyone's told you, but there are these things called tissues.
Big Bit: Those are for your butt.
Tink: *Slaps forehead*
Big Bit: If I use that other stuff then I have to replace it.

January Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. cross eyed bear that you gave to me lyrics So you thought it was a scary carnival prize too?
2. intense orgasm's There is NO "I" in orgasms. But there is an "O." As in "Ohhhhhhhh!"
3. tink gay Sorry, I have never tasted the rainbow.
4. I have a saggy scrotum Thanks for sharing.

Stretched so thin...

...there are holes in my skin.

In ten days it'll be my 24th birthday. I'm not even the slightest bit excited. I wish no one else cared either. Getting older doesn't bother me. I don't mind the attention. I like the cheesy cards and the extra large slices of cake. I guess it's just that it feels so damn inconvenient. Everyone keeps asking me what I want. They think my shrugs and replies of "nothing" are polite. I have everything and everyone in my life that I want. What I need is a little piece of mind. Can you buy that at Hallmark? I'd like a case or two.

Two nights ago I walked in on whispers. Everyone at the table immediately shut up and smiled mischievously. Do you know what my first thought was? "How can they think of birthdays when there is loan paperwork to sign and insurance companies to call?" Yeah... That felt like a two bottle moment. I've begun looking at my life through beer goggles. Each stressor gets awarded a shot or bottle of alcohol. I may not be able to drink whenever I want in real life... but I can sure as hell work my way towards a nice mental buzz.

Today I'm half way to tipsy. I'm hoping to be mentally drunk by five.

5 Minutes Of Random Thought:
Start. Uck. My mouth tastes like ASS. Not that I know what ass tastes like. But I can imagine. Our sense of taste and smell are odd mechanisms. It's the reason I can't eat yellow Pez. Not because they taste like ass too. But because they taste how Lemon Pledge smells, and I refuse to eat wood cleaner. I wasn't that much into paste or paint chips as a kid. Why start eating strange things now? And why don't our own body smells bother us as much as other people's do? Are there receptors in our nose that can tell the difference? They sit up there just waiting for the next mystery guest. "What is that?" "I think it's a dirty sock." "Is it someone else's?" "Nope, it's ours." "Quick! Send Brain the 'smells like roses' message!" I've seen my brothers sit in a cloud of their own funk and act completely unfazed. Pffft, act. They AREN'T fazed. So of course I don't realize what I'm walking into until it's too late. Do they make smell-o-meters? It would be a handy thing to install in the next house. End.

January Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. is there something in gummy bears that make your boobs grow?
2. puking cat alarm clock For those really heavy sleepers.
3. runaway boobs I'm looking to adopt!
4. yodel in the canyon of love

Have a great weekend!