Thursday, February 28, 2008

No Good

No good could come of my broken brain today.

All I can think of is work, and the idiots around me who orbit like dysfunctional satellites. I walk to the coffee pot and they circle, asking things like "How do you spell 'scratch'?" Grown men, old enough to be my father, and they can't spell at a third grade level! When I complained to the receptionist she replied, "Don't they have spellcheck?" As if THAT were the point. I walk back to my desk and they swoop in to gather data. "How do you forward an email?" "How do you put paper in the printer?" "Can you fix this for me?" I want to stab at them with my stapler, screaming "Back! Back!"

But I don't. Instead I calmly go and fix their problems, answer their queries, tell them there are no stupid questions. But I'm lying. There really ARE stupid questions. I hear about a hundred a day. Last night I dreamt that my ex-boyfriend's wife broke into our house because she wanted to see what were we're all about. But the roof was caving in and it reeked of cat pee. She acted appalled and quickly declined my offer of coffee. "We don't have any cats," I remember thinking. "This isn't what we're about!" I yelled after her. Then I closed the door and cried. I don't know why. It's all so strange.

My parent's, the biological one and the adopted, aren't speaking to each other at the moment. So I can't act happy until they're through. It just wouldn't do. I can't talk about the cute things Hoop said to me today, or the way I woke up smelling his hair and I didn't want to leave the bed. I can't talk about how he has annoyed me lately either. That would clearly mark me on the side of my Mother... or man-haters... or women in general. So I don't talk. It's not safe. Instead, I watch the clock and wait for the day to change. Is it the weekend yet? Can I stop pretending to be nice, or to care, or that I'm really sane under here?

Like I said... No good can come of my broken brain today.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
When We're Together I secretly blame my farts on you.
Revolter What is... A gun that makes you sick.
Grinning Ear To Ear Has anyone ever stopped to imagine how WEIRD that would look?
Misunderstood? Not really. They all pretty much understand that I'm a nut.

January Search Terms:
(What people type into search engines that gets them here)
my hamster got shaken what can I do Oh no! Quick, reverse time.
warmed cockles
I hate elves Me too. Unless they're making me rice crispie treats... or cookies.
sesame street squares are really rectangles
homemade nair Removes the skin as well as the hair!

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At 28 February, 2008, Blogger furiousBall said...

I secretly blame my farts on you when you don't help me spell scratch.

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Knight said...

Aww, waking up smelling his hair... that truly is the best.
Don't bother pretending to be sane. They will still like you even when the crazy starts to show. Even when you threaten to S-c-r-a-t-c-h their eyes out.

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Jo said...

Sounds like you need a whole lot of bubblewrap. Maybe if you wrapped someone in it before you get to popping, it'll work better? I don't know what a cockle is but it sounds something an elf would have in his creepy pants.

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Jen said...

One of my most favorite scents in the world is my husbands hair in the morning. It's so. . . so. . . him! I understand not wanting to get out of bed.

The weekend is near. Just believe.

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Backpacker momma said...

I totally feel your work pain. I too, work with idiots. We need a support group.

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Knight said...

I wondered if you saw that. I was writing "Tink from Pickled Beef" and couldn't get Pickled Tink out of my head. It's too close to Tickled Pink so I had to use it.

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger fiwa said...

I blame it on February. February always sux - but it's almost over.

I know that feeling you have about work - you want to be nice, but it's like "how did you ever get a job without these skills?!"

hang in there.
love & hugs,

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger gr said...

all this baloney? calls for a drink

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger R.E.H. said...

No need to pretend. If they ask how to spell "scratch" tell them to find a dictionary. If they ask how to forward an e-mail, tell them to look for the manual...

Be sure that YOU are happy, is all that counts. So, stay in bed for a while and smell Hoop's hair for a change ;)

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Reb said...

Oh, I get sick of reassuring people that "there are no stupid questions" - in my mind I add "just stupid people"

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Jay Cam said...

you broke your brain?!!

how are supposed to put a cast on that?
: D

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Alli said...

Wow. You're co-workers would totally annoy me.

Yes, hubby or almost-hubby smell is nice. :)

I hate broken brain days, too.

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Christy said...

It is sweet you wish you could stay in bed with Hoop. =o)

As for stupid coworkers, I feel your pain, my coworkers at my last job were idiots. Fortunately now I work with people I swear are all geniuses (did I spell that right?)

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Sparkling Red said...

Next time they ask you how to spell something, give them the wrong answer.
"It's S-K-R-A-C-H. Oh, you're welcome very much! Anytime!"

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Karen said...

I have one older lady who I manage and she is a bit hard of hearing so she screams "WHAT?" like 70 times a day. I want to beat the crap out of her, but I don't want to do the jail time.

At 28 February, 2008, Blogger Farmer*swife said...

So, did I catch that right? Are you going through a parent vs. half-parent break-up?

Sheeze. If you are? I totally feel your pain. Yesterday was "suck ass" [I can curse when the kids aren't around] divorce dealings day.

Dad drives across states. To end up with moot. She doesn't wanna' settle. "Take it to court."

Fine, unfortunately as much as I've tried to stay even through it all? My Daddy's attorney can kick your attorney's ass!!

She chose it. So be it. But, you try to love and trust someone.

Oh, but by you and Hoop! Girl. That's the great thing about marriage and people who respect the contract. I love that I can come home and be a total bitch...and, he takes it. Because, when he needs to be a total A-hole? I take it too. [I might gripe a little, kinda'.]

That's what marriage is. Loving each other and having each other's back -- even if you agree to disagree.

Okay. Off the soap box now. So, any new things with the wedding plans?

At 29 February, 2008, Anonymous a. beaverhausen said...

I'll help you pick up the pieces of your broken brain if you'll help me find my loose marbles. I blame Furiousball's farts for our collective mental breakdown.

At 29 February, 2008, Blogger janet said...

broken brains need love too.

At 29 February, 2008, Blogger Newt said...

Sometimes a broken brain actually feels good. I think some of the crap falls out through the cracks and when it's over, we feel lighter somehow.

Or something like that.

Hang in their girl, the weekend is just a few stooopid people away.

At 29 February, 2008, Blogger Candy said...

Sorry you're having a go at things today.

If it's any consolation, my boss makes me send emails from his email account, so that they look like they came from him, but I actually type everything at my desk, and then go to his desk and attach them to his emails. I have to save everything to a network (takes twice as long) so that I can access them at his desk.

And no amount of discussion of alternate methods will sway him.

At 29 February, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Tinky Poo! I know just how you feel! My little piece of the internet has been idle for just this reason. It's not safe to say anything I'm thinking.

I hope your feeling better today!!!

At 29 February, 2008, Blogger Peggy said...

It actually is quite comforting to know that I'm the smartest person in the office. I can make little "smart person" jokes to my husband on the phone and they won't get it. It's like we've got a secret code.

At 29 February, 2008, Blogger captain corky said...

Sounds like you need a drink. And no, that's not my answer for everything... But you need to unwind a little.

Too bad you can't stab the guys in your office with sporks. I'm sure that would make you feel a little better. ;)

At 29 February, 2008, Blogger Mike said...

It's common knowledge that everyone around you in a workplace is a gibbering moron.

Also, your search terms are funny, but pretty darn tame compared to the perverts who come to my site.

Maybe that's a clue to tone it down?


At 29 February, 2008, Blogger Chris said...

I really hope today is going better for you.

At 29 February, 2008, Blogger g-man said...

THey don't need help, the want to watch you do stuff. Cause they are old men and you are young and hot. (Or they are just retarded.)

Bummer on the parental units. Lay low!

Here is to counting the minutes till it is the weekend!

At 29 February, 2008, Blogger Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Dude. What is your beef with elves?


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