Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Eternal Twilight of a Spotty Mind

I feel like rambling today... and toast. Toast would be nice.

For those who don't know, I smoke. I tried to quit over a year ago. The experiment was a huge disaster. The drug I was on, Welbutrin, did nothing after the first week to cure my cravings. It DID, on the other hand, increase my libido to that of a fourteen year old boy's. My highs were higher, my lows were lower. In between the mood swings and insatiable desires, I felt void of feelings and thoughts. I cried for days that I would never live normally, immobilized by the fear that I would do something that might trigger a nicotine attack.

So I fell off the wagon. Or maybe I just slipped off in the middle of the night. Regardless, I started smoking again. Spare me the sermons, please. There isn't anything you can say that I haven't already heard. The reason I'm mentioning this now is because they've developed a new drug. This one is supposed to repress the addictive portion of your brain. It actually makes smoking (and in some cases, drinking) un-enjoyable. Sounds perfect, right? Here's my quandary. What if it represses other addictions too?

What if I wake up after taking it and no longer like making lists, or sex, or the taste of coffee? Would I still be me? I read the news each morning and am amazed by all the advancements in technology. I want to believe that we're moving toward the common good of man, making things easier and more efficient. Did you know that Microsoft is making a
tabletop computer? You can use all ten fingers at one time. It can read your credit card information just by setting the card on its surface. No more wait time for paying at a bars or restaurants!

Then I read articles like
this. They're developing ways to erase people's memories... ON PURPOSE. Their justification is that they'd use it on trauma victims. But all I can think of is that Michel Gondry movie where a man and woman decide to have their memories of each other erased after a bad breakup. The implications are frightening. One fight could mean the end of your existence to someone. Not to mention if the techs fuck it up and erase more then they're supposed to. "Hi! My name is... My name is..." Shouldn't they be working on a cure for Alzheimer's instead?

It's because of these scary developments that I'm hesitant to buy into any miracle cures. Every day they post new warnings about the products we use on a daily basis. Coffee is good for you. Coffee is bad. Coffee in moderation can be healthy. It prevents Parkinson's disease. No wait, it causes strokes. What the hell?! I feel like a lab rat who they keep shocking just for the fun of it. So, I'm undecided on whether or not to take the new pill. I'd like to stop smoking. I'd like to live longer and be healthier. But at what cost?

July Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. How to paint tiny specks of paint on the wall You could always do what I did and sneeze on the brush. Of course, that wasn't intentional.
2. Splenda causes eye twitch
I'd rather be skinny and twitchy.
3. Redneck Moms Come on down! You can get them by the truck-full here.
4. mitsubishi black smoke clean up Because Mitsubishi smoke is so much different than any other?
5. solid gold dildo Sounds great in theory. But you'd have to share it with a dozen people just to afford it.

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At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

Ask Nettie what she used to quit. I can't remember the name of the drug but she swears by it. And I dont think it killed any of her other cravings. Or the REALLY important onethat is.

And I figured out that if you wait long enough the good stuff becomes healthy again, chocolate, eggs, coffee............

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

I'm not quite sure why the hell I would list eggs before coffee. Hmmmmmmm

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Shambhu said...

It's virtually impossible to be sucessful in quitting, unless you can extricate yourself from any exposure to cigarette smoke for at least ten days, and even then it's very difficult. Second-hand smoke can re-trigger the addiction days, weeks, months, and years after one quits.

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Nettie said...

I did the Welbutrin as well. Hated it! I had all the same side effects you did. So when the doc suggested Chantex I nearly flipped. It's not an antidepressant. It's made specifically for smokers. You can still smoke while you take it but it will make them taste like shit. I went from a pack a day to 4 a day after the first week of taking them. I had one real bad day...the day I didn't smoke any. I first cut back on the RX then quit early because it was eventually making me too sick to my stomach from the nicotine. Sometimes they still smell good (I know, I know) but for the most part, I have no interest in picking up another. For the rest of the addictions....sex has never been better, I still love chocolate (in more ways than one) and I have happily replaced the smokes with shoes! I originally lost 10lbs taking it so when I put it back on it was no big deal. Believe me...If I can do this, anyone can. I smoked for 21 years and I have now been smoke free for almost 6 months. I love it! You can do this!

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

I'm still waiting for the the pill that makes me 6'4" 200lbs and even more hun... uh never mind. ;-)

I only read and believe the studies that find that drinking beer and/or wine is good for me. That makes it much easier on me.

I hear people say that smoking/drinking/sex or whatever takes years off your life. Yeah, but are those years worth keeping? I mean, they are the years AT THE END where you're not doing much but sitting around the old folks home in Orlando playing bridge and shuffleboard with the other old people waiting to die right? I can miss that part, just fine.

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

Nettie: That's exactly the pill I'm talking about! You don't know how grateful I am to have your review on it. I didn't know anyone (personally) who had tried it. Thank you thank you thank you!

Newt: Well... Eggs ARE more important in the big scheme of things. Think of all the stuff they're in. Like chocolate cake. Mmmm.

Shambhu Thanks for the pep talk. *Snort*

Jay: Hoop and I have wondered that before. How good are those last years? I mean, look at AG. He's almost 90, living a HORRIBLE quality of life, and still kickin'. The man is probably going to outlive us all.

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Maggie said...

Ok ewwwwwwwwww sharing dildos.

I have a link for you about Microsoft's table computer. Big A$$ Table. I think you'll enjoy that.

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Maggie said...

Oops, I forgot to mention I nominated you for Rockin Girl Blogger. I didn't know for sure if you had gotten it already or not.

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

You ever watch Gattaca? That's a movie that brings up lots of questions, too. Maybe you can just try it and see how it goes... after researching the side effects a bit.

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I am currently on week 3 of the Chantix. I can definitely tell you that I hate cigarettes, but still have no damned willpower to not give into the "habit urges" of smoking. SO I am still smoking aobut 1/2 a pack a day (was 1-1&1/2) but I smoke about 3 drags and put it out because "OH YEAH! GAG!" *smacks forehead*. I have a teensy bit of nausea when I take them on an empty stomach, so watch out for that,. ANND not many insurance plans cover it and it cost AHLOTALOT if your doesn't. Still less than the smokes though..
Um, what else, OH some folks complain of constipation, but I was hoping for that being that my IBS makes me "run" the other way most days. So far, no pluggy.
Email me (in my profile) if you want to know anymore or track my progress with me. ;)

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger mitchgib said...

Ok, try the Chantix, but don't beat yourself up about it. My Grandma smoked like a fiend, and lived to be 78. She worked hard, prayed hard, loved hard and always had a laugh. I think your sense of humor will undo at least a few years of smoking !
I quit a long time ago, and still crave a smoke when I am drinking a beer !

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

I do not need to take drugs to make me forget because I forget so much!

That would be scary to have your mind erased completely. I guess seeing my grandmother suffer from Alzheimer', it does not see too "incredible" to me.

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Alex said...

This August marks my fifth year of being a non-smoker, after 12 years of being a pack-a-day'er. I've done some stuff in my life that I'm kinda proud of myself for, but quitting smoking, hands down, is at the top of the list. I quit cold turkey, on a whim. I guess it was just time.

Does Hoop smoke? I can't imagine that would make it any easier to quit.

You can do whatever you set your mind to, this I know to be true.

Good Luck! It's a huge accomplishment.

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Peevish said...

Ai-yi-yi, that's a tough one. I'm kind of wary of drugs claiming to affect the way the brain works, but I'm on antidepressants so what the heck would I know and I think I'll shut up now.

At 10 July, 2007, Blogger Godiva Jen said...

I think it's awesome that you want to quit, especially something so difficult to give up! If it's what you want, go for it.

At 10 July, 2007, Anonymous wordgirl said...

No sermons here. I've watched my sister try to quit. Unfortunately, I think in her case she's not only infatuated with the cigs...but also with the concept of addiction. When asked about her smoking she simply says, "I'm addicted"...and waves everyone away. In many ways I think she uses it as an excuse NOT to quit. That said, she's a pretty determined person and I've seen her be unbelievably strong in so many other areas that it's difficult to watch her fail so miserably in this area. I'm not even remotely tempted (after trying a few after college)by cigarettes, so I'm only talking out of my ass when I try to have a meeting of the minds with a smoker. It doesn't matter. I'd love you anyway. If you quit...HOORAY! If you don't...well...that's your business. Good luck, whatever you do.

At 10 July, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I had poison. So I got Prednisone (I think that's how ya spell it) and a prescription for a cream that cost 45 bucks, with insurance. So I researched the cream. It is suspect to cause cancer. I saved my money and maybe my life, I just had to suffer a bit.

Isn't that weird too?

A. Who wants to live a long time?
B. Everything can kill you.
C. What fun is life without the things you enjoy?
D. Smoking is bad, I do it too. I don't want to end up with that biker bitch voice when I'm 50, and look like an old wrinkly dog. It's a tough call.

Good luck Tink, I hope you can quit. And me too.

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger Terri said...

that tabletop computer is way cool and new technology, especially medical stuff scares me too! Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

Before you linked up to Eternal Sunshine, I was thinking about that movie. It's a great movie, BTW. I agree with you, these new drugs, these new amazing, instant cures, are unsettling. I'd be very hesitant to try it, especially after your experience with Wellbutrin.

I hope you can quit, Tink, without extreme measures.

At 11 July, 2007, Anonymous Heather said...

Chantix is a great thing....several people at my work have taken it....and swear by it! I think I might be next on that list too! Good luck!

At 11 July, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about the libido and Welbutrin. My wife is on it now for other reasons. That effect wears off.

I remember being a 14 year old boy. I like being a 24 year old man better. More body control.

Wish I know what to tell you on the smoking. My sister is a closet smoker. She doesn't know there's no door on her closet. My grand parents were smokers, but not my parents so I don't smoke.

Don't quit. Try hypnosis or something like that.

But don't give up on the sex.


At 11 July, 2007, Blogger furiousBall said...

I used this drug called "pregnant wife that will kill me if she smells cigarettes on me right after barfing"

You know you need to do it, just make it so.

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

My hubby swears by the suckers. Of course, he hates tobacco, so it's the oral fascination with him (mind out of gutter, Pixie, mind out of gutter. Damn. Too late...)

What bugs me is that doctors don't know shit about medicine except what the drug company rep tells them, for the most part. This causes all sorts of problems with "it's safe" "It's not safe for nursing moms" "It has few side effects" (sure, but one of the possiblities is horrible, painful death) "You just push as much of this as you can and this company will take care of you AND your lawsuits..."

I don't know. Quitting smoking is a noble goal, but I so don't trust doctors anymore...

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

I didn't know Welbutrin was used to quit smoking! I take it for good ol' fashion depression and mood swings.

Good luck whatever you decide. It sounds like that pill might help, but it's not easy no matter what, which you already know. No sermons from me, but I like the idea of you being healthy and around for a long time, too!

And the table computer looks too cool.

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Hmm, you bring up some excellent points today.

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger Brodimus Prime said...

How about "Redneck moms with solid gold dildos cause eye twitch"? Did you get that one? Cause that one was mine.

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger Heather said...

Have you considered just using the patch? That's what my husband used to quit.

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger coffespaz said...

Ciggies: Totally agree with you. The beauty of research is that you can twist the experiments and the outcomes to mean pretty much anything you want them to mean. My personal slant is that you can't really believe what you read on this stuff unless you were in the lab working on the research yourself. Just plug away at it and stay strong!

Search terms: OMG..your comments are just too funny!! Totally agree with the Splenda one!!!

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Sounds great in theory. But you'd have to share it with a dozen people just to afford it.

I'm still laughing.

At 11 July, 2007, Blogger meno said...

If you shared a dildo, would you have to out a condom on it first, and if you did, would it feel like taking a shower with a raincoat on?

At 12 July, 2007, Anonymous TB said...

As an ex pack-a-dayer, I feel you, especially when you really, really want to quit. I have faith that you WILL beat the addiction though.

Maybe they could find a way to erase the part of your memory that tells you you're a smoker?

At 13 July, 2007, Blogger Spamboy said...

Anti-depressants are a mess to deal with. My wife has MS; as a consequence she has to be on some sort of anti-dep, and we've tried them all. Wellbutrin is the only one we've been able to stick with that kept her functioning but didn't kill her libido (a prime ingredient for a healthy marriage). We feel your pain

At 15 July, 2007, Blogger Foo said...

Sorry to be so late getting to this, but what an awesome post! It's too bad you couldn't stay off the cancer sticks, but I completely agree about how scary and stupid technology can be.

I'm starting to feel like a Luddite. I frankly don't want to be able to pay for things by pressing my thumb on a scanner. "Soon, credit cards will be obsolete!" the proponents of this technology rave. Great. In a society where the criminals are getting bolder and more violent, I'd much rather get my credit card stolen than have some gangsta chopping off my digits so he can buy the latest Grand Theft Auto cartridge.

And what about the microscopic smart chips we've been hearing about? How long will it be before companies start embedding those in all the products on the supermarket shelves and tracking all the things we touch, evaluate, and put back. Since the banks will have sold our fingerprints and all our personal information to every Tom, Dick, and Procter & Gamble who waves some money at them, we won't even be able to choose Nabisco over Keebler without some marketing geek knowing all about it and using the information to figure out how to manipulate us.

I thought the same thing as you when I saw the feature on the news about the selective memory wipes. Sounds like an okay idea, as long as you don't think about the implications for more than a second or two. We can't seem to learn from our mistakes as it is. What happens when we have the option to erase those unpleasant memories that we should have learned from. Feelings of remorse making you uncomfortable? Wipe them out. What your conscience doesn't know won't hurt you.



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