Friday, June 29, 2007

Introspective

We live in a world where so many people can't be trusted.

Not the people we pay.
"You can call me. But it's going to cost you."
"I know it's forty grand below asking price. But it's the best offer you're going to get."
Not the people beside us:
"Watch out! That car was leaning into our lane."
"How'd they get in front of us? Weren't we in line first?"
Not coworkers.
"I overheard Cathy was getting a hysterectomy!"
"Could you file this for me? Marc said you weren't busy."
Not even our doctors.
"It's a freckle."
"It's a bug bite."
"It's cancer."

So on the chance of being screwed over, we get cold. We act hard. We try not to care too much. Which is why when we do, it's so damn significant. To get close to someone, REALLY close to them, is a gift. The problem with letting people into your heart is that you're suddenly exposed. The chance of being wounded is bigger. All your faults and insecurities are laid bare. Sometimes I forget that. Not that there are people who could hurt me, but rather that I'm someone on the "inside" too. That there are people I could hurt. You can get punch drunk on that kind of love.

"That was stupid." *Poke*
"Why do you always lose things?" *Poke*
"Grow up." *Pop*

And suddenly that little poke creates a hole. You've seen people with holes in their heart. You've probably been one. Sure, the holes scar over. But it's never the same. The skin there is a little tougher, less likely to give. I've had lots of loved ones hurt me over the years. My father was a big one. He practically used my heart as an ashtray. I survived. I believed the ordeal made it less likely that I would hurt people. Then I fell in love. Truly in love. The kind of relationship that butterflies you open so that everything inside falls out. "Oh look! There's my yellow belly. Here's my soft inside. Do you see that golden heart? Your turn."

This morning, Hoop and I got into a minor spat. I said something a little hateful and it hurt him. We're fine. It wasn't even that big of a deal. But it made me realize that I need to be more careful. I'm too close to the source. I know exactly where the buttons are without even thinking about them. My words, if said by someone else, would probably be inconsequential. Little pokes. But said by me, the person who knows every fault line and weak point, they're more like punches. It's crazy. Just when I think I have things figured out, life tosses me something else to chew on! I feel like the perpetual student, with Life as the teacher. As much as that can sting... I hope it's always like this.

Second Anual Blog Header Show Down:
Thanks to everyone who voted! The three finalists for Monday's Sudden Death Match are:


A Few Good Sporks

Pink Tink

Pouty Tink


Poll will begin at 3pm (Eastern time) on Monday and end at exactly 3pm on Tuesday.

Have a great weekend!

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22 Comments:

At 29 June, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

It's really strange how we will so quickly and casually say something hurtful or rude to someone really close to us that would never say to somebody who was just an acquaintance.

 
At 29 June, 2007, Anonymous Michelle said...

"We always hurt the ones we love", right? Good to see you know you're a student of life. Brent and I have an agreement that if one of us is even close to being frustrated or angry with the other, the discussion STOPS. We each get our cool down period and then the person who seems most upset gets to pick the time to resume the conversation when they're feeling rational and sane and loving (but perhaps frustrated). The trick is to let go of always being right and actually listening to other person's point of view. Works everytime! And, technically, we have yet to get into an actual fight. July marks our 5th anniversary of togetherness so we must be doing something right.

 
At 29 June, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

Tink, you are so ahead of the game. It took a nasty divorce for me to really think hard about how you treat the ones you love.

Sometimes the boy & I get ramped up and start picking on each other, and that leads to poking, and before you know it one of us will JAB. We've learned to say "ok, we're getting too rough here. time to make the effort to be sweet to one another again."

enjoy your weekend!
fiwa

 
At 29 June, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

The fact that you see that is huge!! *hugs*

 
At 29 June, 2007, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

That old saying, "Sticks and stones..." Yeah, right! They hurt worse!

 
At 30 June, 2007, Blogger mrspao said...

I can relate to that. pao and I sometimes have moments where we poke holes which aren't pleasant but I do agree we should be more careful about what we say.

 
At 30 June, 2007, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

What a very open and honest post.

You're a good soul, don't ever forget that :)

 
At 30 June, 2007, Blogger butterfly girl said...

You are so very right. But one of the lessons you've to learn is how to accept and then heal the scars.

When I was married before, my X woke me up from a dead sleep to ask me where something was and all that I could get out was nonsense, I couldn't wake up quickly. He said I was worthless and that woke me up. In many many ways. I learned alot that day. I was also gone in less than a week. Four days to be exact. If he would have never said those words, who knows how much longer I would have stayed.
He said he didn't mean it the way I took it, but that was all it took regardless.

Forgive her Hoop, she has learned. :)

A very nice post!

 
At 30 June, 2007, Anonymous gawilli said...

It is good to be a perpetual student. Particularly when you realize the alternative, as you do.

As a side note, we are looking at relational aggression and working toward ways to recognize and deal with it in the schools. This sure does strike a chord.

 
At 30 June, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

I read a story once in which a character talked about our little heart holes. They make us who we are and the more holes we have the more we have lived, survived, and been stronger than before. And in the end it's all we have. Our heart holes are what made us alive.

 
At 30 June, 2007, Blogger Godiva Jen said...

Tink, don't beat yourself up too badly. We all make such mistakes. Hoop has forgiven you; forgive yourself.

 
At 30 June, 2007, Blogger mjd said...

Oh Tink, because you are a perpetual student, you are going to continue to be a kind, caring person. If we did not make mistakes, we probably would be doing nothing and that would be horrible. I think that the sting helps us from becoming old and bitter. (Being just old is so much better.)

Yay, more voting

 
At 01 July, 2007, Blogger Lynn@ZelleBlog said...

I think its hard to let people in. But while we are more vulnerable, we also have more capacity to forgive. When we love, we can't easily write people off, banish them from our lives.

I think we have all said things we didn't mean, or should not have said. I think what matters most is how we deal with that. Do we take responsibility, are we sorry? Have we learned anything? Or do we scream that our loved ones made us act ugly?

You fessed up- that has to count for something, right?

 
At 01 July, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

You are the kind of person I hope Julia grows up to be.

 
At 01 July, 2007, Blogger captain corky said...

It's good that you can identify when you're being hurtful. I always feel so damn bad when I say something hurtful to Allyson. There's now worse feeling than hurting the person I love most in the world.

 
At 01 July, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

Knowing you've hurt someone you love is the worst feeling. But we grow from those and become better people and our relationships strengthen.

 
At 02 July, 2007, Blogger Peggy said...

I didn't get that sort of awareness until I was much older than you! Relationships have a learning curve.

 
At 02 July, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

Mama T: That may be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me...

Newt: Interesting, a completely different perspective. I love the human mind.

Orhan Kahn: You either. :)

 
At 02 July, 2007, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I vote for #3. Although I love the graphic quality of the sporks, I hate to see you move too far away from Tink.

You are so right about the poking holes. How you get so smart for a young'un?

 
At 06 July, 2007, Blogger Freakazojd said...

You know what the most important thing is, here? You got it. Some people never do, and many who do learn it don't do so until it's either too late, or there's a mountain of sheite to clear (and that can take a really long time). I hope it doesn't sound weird to say that I'm proud of you, because I am. I think it's really great that you are so aware of yourself, and so mindful of your words/actions even if that came a little late this time. In ensuing moments like this one, you'll remember faster and faster until you can consistently remember before those "poke" words come flying out. Thou swell. :)

 
At 08 July, 2007, Anonymous TB said...

"Just when I think I have things figured out, life tosses me something else to chew on! I feel like the perpetual student, with Life as the teacher. As much as that can sting... I hope it's always like this."

Amen, sister. That's perfect.

 
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