Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Melange

Lyric Butcher: I've always had remarkable hearing. Maybe it's compensation for that lazy eye I had kickin' as a kid. It's damn near impossible to sneak up on me. Don't you dare whisper secrets either. When Duff was a puppy I would bolt awake from a deep sleep to the sound of him peeing on the carpet. When the T.V. malfunctions and doesn't turn all the way off, I can hear a low humming noise that no one else seems to notice. So why do I ALWAYS butcher the lyrics of every song I hear?

When Alanis Morissette came out with "You Oughta Know:"

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

I was convinced she was saying, "Of the cross-eyed bear." I don't know what I was thinking. Possible carnival prize? Physically deformed woodland creature? When Lil' Kim came out with "How Many Licks:"

Sixty on the bezel, a hundred on the rings
Sittin pretty baby with a Cash Money bling
12 A.M. I'm on the way to club
After three bottles I'll be ready to fuck

You can imagine the confusion I felt when I heard, "After three bibles." Is Lil' Kim chasing after altar boys? Maybe she beats her dates senseless with the bibles so they'll go home with her. Evidently it's hereditary though. My Father butchered the Kid Rock "Only God Knows Why" lyrics.

Only God... only God
Only God knows why

To say:

Oh my God... Oh my God.
Oh my God, I don't know why.

Which is exactly how I felt about the song every time I heard it on the radio.

Blue Tuesday: According to the press and Dr. Cliff Arnall's, a U.K. psychologist, today (January 24th) is the "Most depressing day of the year." By now all the things that people charged for the holidays are due. The midwinter weather is starting to wear everyone down. New Year's resolutions have been stomped into oblivion. There's nothing left to celebrate and work is resuming back to its dreary self. So make sure you take some time out today to do something nice for yourself or someone around you. Me? I'm not going to do anything productive until noon. Hmmm. I don't know what exactly makes that any different from any other day. But it would certainly keep me happy.

Joystick Joyride: Last night Hoop and I stopped at B&N for some much needed java. As we were wandering the aisles we came across a rather grotesque red, pink, and white Valentine's Day display. I gave the exhibit the "stank eye" as I passed it. It wasn't until I was halfway down the next aisle that I realized Hoop was no longer behind me. I doubled back and found him at the Valentine's display, palming a Kama Sutra book. We stood for a minute, contorting our heads to better evaluate the positions. When I realized I wasn't going to be able to pry him from the book for awhile I suggested we have a seat somewhere near the back corner.

Hoop: How about that one?
Tink: My leg will NOT bend that way.
Hoop: You sure?
Tink: Yes.
...
Tink: Aw. They look like dolphins!
Hoop: Doesn't that one look just like the "Octopus," once your arms get too tired to hold yourself upright?
Tink: Are you memorizing the names?!
Hoop: Only the good ones.
...
Tink: Oh my God. *Turns book upside down*
Hoop: Oh yeah.
Tink: Um, NO... I'm not standing on my head.
...
Hoop: Look at this one!
Tink: The "Joystick Joyride."
Hoop: That is the greatest name EVER.
Tink: I'm starting to feel desensitized.
...
Hoop: What is the guy doing in that one?!
Tink: That does look a bit uncomfortable.
Hoop: It looks like he's shitting on her.
Tink: That's just lovely hon.
Hoop: Well why would his ass be-
Tink: Shhhh! Keep it down. People can hear you.
Hoop: Babe, doesn't it look like he's shitting on her?!
Tink: Oh my God. We need to go. Put the book down and back away slowly.

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18 Comments:

At 24 January, 2006, Blogger ragingmom said...

You didn't let him take that home, did you?

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Remeber the Kenny Roger's song "Lucille"? The chorus goes:

You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille, four hungry children and a crop in the fields...

Only to me it was:

You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille, four hundred children and a crop in the fields...

I always figured, no wonder she left. Four hundred children? I'd leave too.

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger mrspao said...

I used to have a landlady who had very good hearing like that. She is blind in one eye so maybe it is your body compensating. She did say it was a pain because she could hear conversations at the end of the street!

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Tagged! (I'll be back to read and make rude comments!)

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

*snorting*
*choking*
*sputtering*

I wonder when Hoop's going to sneak back to buy that book?

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Ragingmom: NO. But my birthday is in 5 days. I'm worried it might make reappearance as a gift.

Gradual Gardener: LOL! That's great. Four hundred kids... Yeah, I would have left to. Although it might be in a wheelchair.

MrsPao: At the end of the street? OK, I'm not THAT good.

Mamalujo1: I'm looking forward to it. ;)

Chris: I'm hoping he forgets about it. He'll forget about it, right? Right?! Oh man... He's so going back for it.

 
At 24 January, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

I'd like to hear your take on the lyrics to Elton John's Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.

That Kama Sutra shit is hard to do and I would just end up feeling inadequate or pulling a muscle and how would I explain that at work? J once knocked his back out of alignment while we were having sex and had to see a chiropractor. We told everyone we didn't know how it happened.

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger V said...

I'd love to know WHOSE limbs bend in most of those crazy kama sutra positions. Joints? Forget joints (well...actually maybe certain joints could help)...but knees are a mere momery!

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

OMG I am killing myself laughing over here. "After three bibles I'll be ready to fuck." AWESOME.

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger V said...

uh...that would be MEMORY. Stupid Blue Tuesday fingers...

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Ellen DeGeneres talked about mixing up song words on one of her recent comedy specials. It's very, very funny.

My general rule of thumb for the Kama Sutra stuff is that I don't get into any positions that Barbie dolls can't get into.

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Oh, good, so I'm not the only one who finds Kid Rock all-around irritating.

OK, I've always been Karma-curious. Guess one of these days I'm going to have to at least take a peek at a book. Though it will probably only remind me that I'm not nearly as limber as I used to be.

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger wordgirl said...

Oh my god...your conversations are hilarious!

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger Brooke said...

I think you need to go back and purchase the book...then illustrate your post with PICTURES!

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

My sister did the same thing, and when her two older brothers ragged on her for messing up the lyrics, she would always come back with, "That's the way I sing it!" I like to intentionally change lyrics: "So now I come to you, with broken arms," or "Come on feel the noise, girls DROP your drawers," or "In my mouth," (instead of "in my house"-thought I'd better explain that one).

Has Hoop put down the chopsticks yet, or did the Kama Sutra give him any ideas about incorporating them into ya'lls sex life too?

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

I agree Tink, the book sounds like a great birthday gift.

Gradual Gardener - I thought the same thing growing up. 400 hundred children, how did they make all them babies...Good ole Kenny though, he still tried to get it on with Lucille, she musta be something after 400 babies.

 
At 24 January, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

Oh, you so need to buy that for HIM for Valentine's Day! Think of how happy he'd be! (Of course, he'll probably get it for you too and then you'll have two copies of it... but whatever.)

PS: Kid Rock RULES!!!!

 
At 25 January, 2006, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

I'm not sure if I heart you or Hoop more. Maybe it's the whole Tink-Hoop combo that I adore so veryvery much. Either way, that was a DESPERATELY needed laugh today.

 

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