"I Saw You"

And by popular demand... Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

I Saw You:

"You: Dimples, curls, the hottest jazz vibe and groovy shirt! Me: old enough to be your Momma. Your sugar Momma that is! Rock out the bass next Wednesday, I'll be waiting there for hola and donde esta baby!" Sugar Momma? I want to call her just so I can cuss her out.

"Professor Plum's 12/8. You: Flawless blonde, denim jacket, black dress. Me: Actor you called cute. Mentioned you wanted to talk some more, but never got to. I'm still interested." Stop. How "flawless" can this chick be if she's wearing a DENIM jacket over a black dress? And why didn't they get to talk more? Was he killed off in the first round of the game?

"You: a hot blonde with eyes that gaze into my soul, so beautiful the stars catch their breath. Me: a blue-eyed bass player who's found the comet he's been searching for. Call me, you know the number Sparkles." Excuse me, I've got to go lose my breakfast.

Men Seeking Women:

Hoop and I also like to look in the classifieds. Sometimes we try and match the wannabe lovers up with each other. Sometimes we just laugh a lot and thank God that neither of us had to resort to this...

"Attractive single white male seeks submissive woman for fun and companionship. Like outdoors, movies, music, houses, gardening. Portland, Oregon. Thinking about relocating?" Do you remember anything after "submissive?" Me neither. Next!

"Lonely white male: very agile, elder messianic, super dapper, suant, music-loving cordial male wants winsome stiletto lady." He should have added "English" degree in there too, because I didn't understand half the crap he said.

"Seeking Black Amazon. Tall, Caucasian male, forty, very trim, athletic, versatile, persistent, never fully satisfied seeks Amazonian female who exceeds at least four of the following minimums: height 5'9", weight 178 lbs., beauty 6 on a 10 scale, sexuality 8 on a 10 scale." Wait a second... Is this a trick question? I'm only counting four requirements. Besides that, how does one gage themselves on a 10 scale? Do they take a poll?

Women Seeking Men:

"My bags are packed! Looking for companionship? I'm 5'5", 139 lbs., attractive Latin lady who loves traveling! I enjoy wine, movies, music, plays, boats, museums, loving and fun! Seeking 40-60 financially and emotionally secure man. No small children. Let's enjoy the wonderful things in life!" 1. There are too many damn "!'s" 2. I can't afford at least five of the things she listed 3. Can you say "Gold Digger?" I know you can.

"Independent, intelligent, free spirit, happy being. 51, 190 lbs., non-smoker, non-drinker, prefers same. Seeking unattached male with sound cardiovascular system for open-minded friendship." Sound cardiovascular system? This poor thing needs therapy before a man.

Might I also mention, there's an ad in here with the title, "Lesbo-a-go-go." Their marketing person should be dragged into the street and shot.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(I woke up four times last night to the dogs barking. I finally snapped. I yelled at them and then sent them to their cages. When I crawled back into bed...)
Hoop: You OK now?
Tink: NO. Stupid dogs.
Hoop: Well if it makes you feel any better, I think I just caught myself talking in my sleep.
Tink: Why would that make me feel better?
Hoop: I don't know.
Tink: So what did you catch yourself saying?
Hoop: "Uh huh."
Tink: That's a strange thing to wake up to I guess.
...
Tink: You're sleep talking now aren't you?
Hoop: Uh huh.