Wednesday, January 18, 2006

"I Saw You"

And by popular demand... Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

I Saw You:

"You: Dimples, curls, the hottest jazz vibe and groovy shirt! Me: old enough to be your Momma. Your sugar Momma that is! Rock out the bass next Wednesday, I'll be waiting there for hola and donde esta baby!" Sugar Momma? I want to call her just so I can cuss her out.

"Professor Plum's 12/8. You: Flawless blonde, denim jacket, black dress. Me: Actor you called cute. Mentioned you wanted to talk some more, but never got to. I'm still interested." Stop. How "flawless" can this chick be if she's wearing a DENIM jacket over a black dress? And why didn't they get to talk more? Was he killed off in the first round of the game?

"You: a hot blonde with eyes that gaze into my soul, so beautiful the stars catch their breath. Me: a blue-eyed bass player who's found the comet he's been searching for. Call me, you know the number Sparkles." Excuse me, I've got to go lose my breakfast.

Men Seeking Women:

Hoop and I also like to look in the classifieds. Sometimes we try and match the wannabe lovers up with each other. Sometimes we just laugh a lot and thank God that neither of us had to resort to this...

"Attractive single white male seeks submissive woman for fun and companionship. Like outdoors, movies, music, houses, gardening. Portland, Oregon. Thinking about relocating?" Do you remember anything after "submissive?" Me neither. Next!

"Lonely white male: very agile, elder messianic, super dapper, suant, music-loving cordial male wants winsome stiletto lady." He should have added "English" degree in there too, because I didn't understand half the crap he said.

"Seeking Black Amazon. Tall, Caucasian male, forty, very trim, athletic, versatile, persistent, never fully satisfied seeks Amazonian female who exceeds at least four of the following minimums: height 5'9", weight 178 lbs., beauty 6 on a 10 scale, sexuality 8 on a 10 scale." Wait a second... Is this a trick question? I'm only counting four requirements. Besides that, how does one gage themselves on a 10 scale? Do they take a poll?

Women Seeking Men:

"My bags are packed! Looking for companionship? I'm 5'5", 139 lbs., attractive Latin lady who loves traveling! I enjoy wine, movies, music, plays, boats, museums, loving and fun! Seeking 40-60 financially and emotionally secure man. No small children. Let's enjoy the wonderful things in life!" 1. There are too many damn "!'s" 2. I can't afford at least five of the things she listed 3. Can you say "Gold Digger?" I know you can.

"Independent, intelligent, free spirit, happy being. 51, 190 lbs., non-smoker, non-drinker, prefers same. Seeking unattached male with sound cardiovascular system for open-minded friendship." Sound cardiovascular system? This poor thing needs therapy before a man.

Might I also mention, there's an ad in here with the title, "Lesbo-a-go-go." Their marketing person should be dragged into the street and shot.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(I woke up four times last night to the dogs barking. I finally snapped. I yelled at them and then sent them to their cages. When I crawled back into bed...)
Hoop: You OK now?
Tink: NO. Stupid dogs.
Hoop: Well if it makes you feel any better, I think I just caught myself talking in my sleep.
Tink: Why would that make me feel better?
Hoop: I don't know.
Tink: So what did you catch yourself saying?
Hoop: "Uh huh."
Tink: That's a strange thing to wake up to I guess.
Tink: You're sleep talking now aren't you?
Hoop: Uh huh.



At 19 January, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Personals = scary as hell
Hoop conversation = hee hee :)

At 19 January, 2006, Blogger Mary said...

the hoop convo always makes me shake my head...

I can't believe some of the personals I see listed. It's craaaaazy....

At 19 January, 2006, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

Sparkles?? That's just wrong.

At 19 January, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

You never fail to crack me up. I heart you Tink and I am going to craft a personal ad that will make you proud.

At 19 January, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Those are priceless. I wish we could see the photos with the ads.

At 19 January, 2006, Blogger V said...

Wow....cardiovascular system? I guess she's a rockin' one, eh?

At 19 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

I too have interesting conversations with Dave while he's asleep and I'm awake. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

These singles ads are reminding me of my favourite movie ever: Desperately Seeking Susan.

At 19 January, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

You: I check out your writing every day, but not in a stalkerish way. I think you are an awesome writer and a genuinely kind person. Not to mention you bring the funny. Me: Moving to your neck of the woods in the not so distant future. Let's do lunch. I'll be the one in shorts in the middle of winter.

At 19 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

Chris: And I'm addicted to both... I hope one counteracts the other at least.

Mary: Lucky me, they all live in my area too. I'm going to start screening people.

Amanda: Sparkles. Bleh. I think I'm going to lose my lunch too.

Arabella: Nooooo. No photos. The ads are scary enough. I'd like to sleep eventually.

V: "Special Friend" my ass. She's wanting rough sex.

Mama T: Sleep conversations are the best! Unless I'm the one talking. I tend to speak freely. Too freely.

TB: LMAO!! You are brilliant!
You: Crazy gal in shorts in middle of winter. Me: Chick in 18 layers. Would love to do lunch! I'll bring the booze. We'll take tipsy pictures all around tourist town.

At 19 January, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

This one caught my eye first:

"Lonely white male: very agile, elder messianic, super dapper, suant, music-loving cordial male wants winsome stiletto lady." He should have added "English" degree in there too, because I didn't understand half the crap he said."

Shitfire, Tink, I HAVE the English degree. Elder messianic? If he says so, he ain't. I don't say so, so of course that means I am (Wait a second.....oh shit). Super dapper....gimme a break. What is "suante"? And a "winsome, stiletto lady"? Does that mean she will smile shyly as she digs her heel into his scrotum? That'll impair his agility for awhile. Anyway, stop posting my personals on your blog!

At 20 January, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Messianic? He needs a therapist, not a date.

Holy cow patties, I feel so much more normal....

~ submissive in Phoenix

At 20 January, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Those are hilarious. I can't imagine having to do that. Please God, don't ever put me back out on the singles circuit.


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