Monday, January 09, 2006


Hoop and I woke up Saturday morning with the intention of cleaning out our junk room. Yes, we have a whole room. Instead we laid around in our own stink for six hours reading, eating blueberry muffins the size of my fist, and trying to figure out who needed a shower more. Hoop won. When we finally rolled around to getting decent, neither of us was particularly interested in cleaning the dreaded room. So in an effort to beat the misadventure of the previous night we hopped in the car for yet another detour...

Friday: I was going to make steaks. But the meat smelled skunky. That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it. Hoop and I eventually decided on a homestyle buffet about thirty minutes away. We say we like to go for the bread. It's definitely not for the food. But in all honesty, I think we go for the people. This buffet is in the middle of nowhere. And frankly, it might just be the highlight of these small town folks' lives. It's probably up there with Church and God.

It's great fun. Even though I lose my appetite almost immediately upon entering the building, contradicting the whole point of going to begin with. I think it's the sight of the jostling masses, running toward the tables with their elbows out the moment they replenish the troughs. I once had a woman shove me in the ribs as I was reaching for the chicken breast she was aiming for. Unlike me, Hoop never has a problem fighting for his food. When we meet back up at the table his plate is always full and he looks as if he just ran a marathon. Mine looks like the scrapings Vultures wouldn't touch.

After dinner we decided to drive into the unknown and find the two screen theater the town paper had advertised. It took us numerous wrong turns and two stops at shady gas stations to find it. When we got there I stood in wonder and whispered to Hoop, "It's amazing!" He chuckled and dragged me toward the door. The sign above the building read "Theater" in sputtering neon lights. The inside was archaic, held together with old movie posters and 60's shag carpeting. When we sat down to watch "The Ringer" I slung my feet up on the wood board in front of me and broke the only thing holding the front seats up. I was in heaven.

Saturday (post morning funk): Our goal was simple. We were going to an electronics show in Jacksonville. We should have known to turn around when a guy leaving the building shouted, "Don't do it!" at us as we were walking in. Fifteen minutes later we were yelling the same thing to other people as we made our way back toward the car. "So, what now?" Hoop asked. I shrugged. We drove around the city, making pitstops at toy stores and decorative fountains. About an hour into our random drive I started to get hungry.

Hoop tried to get us back to the highway, realizing too late that he'd picked an exit without an on ramp back. We drove deeper into the city looking for any restaurant that wasn't fast food or of questionable content . My stomach rumbled loudly as an hour later we hadn't found a restaurant or a way back home. "I'm sorry babe!" Hoop called out as he swerved through lanes of traffic, searching for any road he might recognize. Deeper and deeper into unfamiliar territory we went. Two hours into our misadventure, Hoop was yelling at the drivers around him "MOVE! My baby's hungry!"

We eventually found a place to eat and a way back home. Hoop's nerves were frayed so I played my Old Skool remix on the way back, loudly singing out my own lyrics to Snow's Informer song, "Informer! BlahdeblahdeblahdeblahdeblahBLAH! I'll lick your boom boom down." And Salt-N-Pepper's Push It song, "Ahhh. Smushie!" I accompanied it with some erratic car dancing and nearly got us killed when Hoop couldn't stop laughing long enough to drive. All in all a great weekend.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Did you know --'s Pizza Buffet puts something in their food that makes you not hungry after a few slices?
Tink: Really? You'd think that would be illegal.
Hoop: Naw, it's probably something natural.
Tink: I can't think of a single thing that might do that.
Tink: Where exactly did you read that anyway?
Hoop: I didn't.
Tink: You didn't?
Hoop: I came to the conclusion myself.
Tink: In other words... It's bullshit.
Hoop: Yeah, pretty much.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(After several snippy remarks to each other, Hoop gets off the couch to get something to drink)
Hoop: Aw man, I've been sitting too long. My butt cheek fell asleep.
Tink: Uh huh.
Hoop: Babe, my ass hurts!
Tink: That's because it's taking over your whole body.
Hoop: *Blink blink*
(10 minutes later)
Hoop: My ass is taking over my whole body huh?
Tink: Yeah... I meant because you were being such an ass to me.
Hoop: *Laughing* Uh yeah. I got it hon.



At 09 January, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Oh, I hate that trying to find food in an unknown place and you're getting hungrier and hungrier (and I get crankier and crankier).

Love those Hoop conversations!

At 09 January, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Oooh how was the Ringer?! I wanted to see it this weekend, but like you guys, we were having a hard time scraping ourselves off the couch and into the shower.

At 09 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

The Ringer was excellent! I love Johnny Knoxville anyway. He's funny without being obnoxious. 2 thumbs and a big toe up.

At 09 January, 2006, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

I love your stories. And you are so dead on with the buffet theory- people take that shit seriously around here! Back off my rolls!

At 09 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

I always thought the lyrics to "Informer" went "Blah blah blah...I lick your bum bum now."

At 09 January, 2006, Blogger mamalujo1 said...

"I smell sex and candy, yeah"

At 09 January, 2006, Blogger Brooke said...

"Ahhh. Smushie!"

That is freakin' HILARIOUS, woman.

At 09 January, 2006, Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

Y'all sound like a lot of fun! Now I want to go to a Golden Corral buffet!

At 09 January, 2006, Blogger V said...

As a vegetarian, I personally LOVE the trough stacked with meat in the center of the buffet. It does something for my diet everytime! The boyfriend loves those places...I mean REALLY. He thinks the food is GOOD.

At 09 January, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

That theater sounds great. The only thing better than lounging around and being smelly all day is showering afterwards--TOGETHER.

At 09 January, 2006, Blogger wordgirl said...

I get really, really cranky when I'm hungry. I don't think I'd be capable of laughing when I was trying to find a restaurant and not succeeding.

I love a Chinese buffet!

At 09 January, 2006, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

Tink, remind me to NEVER let you, Hoop, SUB and myself go off adventuring. We'd probably end up in a Brazilian prison. Could be fun, though, up to that point...

At 10 January, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Ah, the dreaded 'hungry, without a damn place to eat' drive, we do that one with the kids. It brings the screaming and driving to an all new highs.

You are too funny Tink.

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