The Three R's of New Year

Rage, Resolution, and Roaches... Oh my! This weekend was definitely one of those in which I wish I'd had a pair of magic shoes. Something in size 7 please. Preferably with the capability of transporting me someplace OTHER than home.

Rage: I came across this recipe during the weekend.

Recipe For Disaster
1 Frazzled woman
1 Basket dirty laundry
2 Sinks of dirty dishes
2 Unappreciated meals
A dash of PMS
1 Lazy boyfriend

Blend and simmer in a hotflash until burnt to a crisp.

It's a bitter meal folks, best not served over a three day weekend. I don't usually hold back on my feelings. Now I know why that's a good thing. My anger snowballed until suddenly I was pissed there was a receipt on the floor, the house smelled like onions and, "Goddamn it Hoop, why can't you throw away that Coke can? I don't care that you're not finished with it yet!" Ok, so maybe it wasn't that bad. But it was something worth marking on the calendar. We're OK now. Hoop did a few loads of laundry and bought me takeout for dinner last night. As I heard the washing machine whirling I felt the She-Hulk receding back into her shell. I think I've scared Hoop though. He hasn't been able to look me straight in the eye since. Geesh. Wimp.

Resolution: Ugh! So I've gone and done it. I've binded myself to a 2006 resolution with my Mother and Hoop. February 14th we are all going to quit smoking... February 15th I'm going to kill everyone. Just thinking about quitting makes me want to go smoke. My incentive is a digital camera, bought with the money I saved from not buying cigarettes. At about $4 a pack, that's $360 in 90 days. What I would really like to buy with the extra money is some sedatives. Sedatives might keep me from tackling all the people outside on smoke break when the withdrawals kick in. What the hell am I setting myself up for?

Roaches: As I was getting into Hoop's car last night I thought I saw something crawl across his door. I blinked. It was gone. It must have been a trick of the light. Hoop scooted in and suddenly I saw it again.

Tink: Babe, there's a roach in your car.
Hoop: Ohmygodwhere?
Tink: It crawled down your seat and disappeared.

He closed the door, blanketing us in darkness. Suddenly I heard the most blood curdling scream. In the shadows I vaguely recall Hoop's arm being flung around and the car door being swung open, blinding me momentarily with the dome light. Hoop was gone. Did the roach eat him?! Maybe that awful flailing was Hoop trying to free himself from the roach's death grip. His face peeked back into the car.

Hoop: Is it gone?
Tink: I have no idea.
Hoop: Fucker was on my arm!
Tink: Poor baby.
*He slides back into the car, breathing erratically*
Hoop: Any idea where the keys are?
Tink: You had them a second ago. What did you do with them when you jumped out?
Hoop: I don't know.
Tink: You don't know?
Hoop: *Closes eyes and leans back* I blacked out.

Tagged Again!
You can thank Momma Tulip for the therapy you all are going to need after reading these "Five Weird Facts" about myself.

1. I can bend my hand backwards and drink out of it like a bowl.

2. When I was little I had a weak eye that required me to wear an eyepatch. My Mom used to draw an eyeball on the patch or decorate it with stickers so I wouldn't feel so bad.

3. I nac daer dna etirw sdrawkcab ta tsomla eht emas deeps I nac daer dna etirw sdrawrof. I can read and write backwards at almost the same speed I can read and write forwards.

4. I am afraid of clowns/mimes and driving from a side lane to a middle lane when there is a car parallel to mine in the other side lane.

5. I was born with a horribly stunted navigation gene. The family joke is that I'll drive somewhere only to get confused and turn around to go home, because that's the only place I know how to get back to.

These 5 people have been tagged:

TB

Debbie

Brooke

Mrs. Harridan

And...The first person who comments that isn't listed above.

Random Weekend Information:
1. I had a dream on Saturday that I had a baby... And I forgot to feed it!
2. I went and saw Narnia on Friday with Hoop, who thoughtfully pointed out that I should get one of those, "Talking Beavers."
3. No midgets were harmed while in the act of groping this blogger over the holiday weekend. Not to make it sound like there was midget groping to be had. He was thankfully absent from the celebration.