The Ex Files
I always thought it was a shame that we couldn't choose who we wanted to love. The man I dated before Hoop (we'll call him "Corndog") was not particularly attractive or intelligent. On the other hand he was notoriously ambitious and giving, often going out of his way to make others comfortable. This isn't to say that he would place anyone above himself if their needs didn't match his own. People were confused by our union. I can't tell you how many times I was told we were "ill fit" for each other.
Looking back on it, I don't know why I kept on. I was Corndog's trophy. He never cared for my dreams and often talked of our future as if it were my duty to follow behind in the wake of his life's ambitions. Corndog's one saving grace was his stupidity. Oh God that man could make me laugh. It wasn't the good kind of laughter either. It's not the laughter that Hoop and I share over witty banter or slips of the tongue. No... I actually laughed at Corndog. I couldn't help it. You won't be able to either.
Corndog and I were two days shy of a winter trip to NY. I hate the cold. So in an effort to be funny, I emailed him this:
Tink: I'm going to Mom's tomorrow to drop off the dogs. I checked the weather for NY. Brrr. It's going to be freezing! I think I should get (my stepdad) Pappa Bear's parka. Whatcha think?
Corndog responded: Parka? What's that? His opinion? I don't really care what he thinks. But I'll be curious what he says.
Corndog had a 7lb Rat Terrier that we used to take with us while visiting his kids. One day, after our weekly visit, we decided to make a pitstop at Wal-Mart. I hate leaving pets locked up in the car, so Corndog tucked the pup into his jacket and we tried to sneak her in. We weren't two steps into the door before a Wal-Mart Greeting Nazi stopped us and turned him back around. I continued on to finish the errand. Corndog called me as I was rounding the line.
Corndog: Oh my God, I don't think I can ever come back to Wal-Mart again!
Tink: What are you talking about?
Corndog: As I was leaving an alarm went off and I saw a flash. I think they took my picture!
Tink: There must be some mistake. They wouldn't ban you from Wal-Mart just because you tried to sneak a dog in with you.
I hung up the phone and finished waiting in line, all the while stewing over what Corndog had said. It was then that I saw a flash. I looked up and realized exactly what had happened. As he had been walking out, someone else had set off the alarm. At the same time the photo kiosk next to the door had snapped someone's picture. I laughed so hard I almost paid with my drivers license. I never did explain the situation to Corndog. It was just too damn funny watching him sketch out every time we walked into the store.
When I was a kid I volunteered at a horse ranch for the mentally disabled. Somehow that got brought up in a conversation with my parents:
Corndog: Didn't you used to work at a place for the retarded?
Tink: I think they prefer "Mentally Disabled."
Corndog: Whatever. They're all Geriatrics Kids to me.
Corndog: Geriatrics Kids.
Tink: I think you mean Jerry's Kids you ass.
Corndog: No, I think I know what I mean.