Sunday, December 18, 2005

Foolish Eve

Women get screwed. We can't pee standing up. It's never funny when we fart. Going gray doesn't make us look "distinguished." And once a month we're plagued by cramps, bloating, crankiness and the tedious task of changing out a little cotton phallic symbol every three hours. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of beautiful and wonderful things about being female that I could write about. But this is my rant. I think I deserve it, considering I just got denied nookie on account of my monthly oil change.

DENIED.

As I stared into the bathroom mirror, wondering if that very word was stamped somewhere on my forehead, I realized how screwed us women are. Not only do we have to deal with the above gripes, we get made to feel personally responsible for it too. I didn't request this! If I had, I most certainly would have attached it to an "Empathy Clause." That's where any men in the vicinity of a menstruating female instantly drop to the floor with gut wrenching abdomen spasms while simultaneously craving Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream with a Chocolate Syrup chaser and bemoaning the fact that NOTHING fits anymore. Especially not anything attractive.


If men had to deal with half the things us women do, especially periods and childbirth, we'd all be extinct by now. On that note, with the possibility of jumping off the TMI cliff, I have an appointment with a little vibrating bunny. G'Nite all.




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6 Comments:

At 19 December, 2005, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Amen, sistuh friend. I couldn't be in my boy cousins club cuz I couldn't pee on a tree....and I tried, oh how I tried.

No menstruation stops my mine. He's always ready to go. Sorry....glad you have a bunny though. Every woman should.

 
At 19 December, 2005, Blogger Tink said...

I got to cancel my appointment with the bunny last night. Thank God for my mother and her hereditary guilt tripping skills lol. Hoop just looked at me in amazement and said, "You're worse than a guy!" 1 point for the girls' side!

Stupid boy clubs. I got excluded because I couldn't burp on command. Oh how I tried though. All it resulted in was one horrible stomachache. I settled for making a girls club next door. And we had cookies... ;)

 
At 19 December, 2005, Blogger Arabella said...

It's not funny when we fart? Shit, I'm going to have to revise half my posts.

Seriously, though, great post. There are perks to all of these little womanly inconveniences. I think nothing of lounging in bed for as long as possible because of the "cramps, ow, ow, ow, they hurt--please pass me the remote."

 
At 19 December, 2005, Anonymous TB said...

It's the hormones that bother me the most about my period. One minute I'm totally well adjusted and the next I'm fat, I hate my job and my husband doesn't do his share of the housework.

But on the other hand, boys can't really enjoy the bunny so that's two points for our team.

 
At 19 December, 2005, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

Bwahaha! You tell em girl.

 
At 30 May, 2008, Blogger Miss Milk said...

Ah, me. This blog is gold. Just thought I'd affirm that for you. :)

 

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