Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Goulash

Getting Personal: Hoop and I stopped off at our usual hole-in-the-wall coffee shop last night to read our favorite alternative/opinion newspaper "Folio Weekly." It's tradition for us to curl up on one of the worn out couches with a couple Lattes and read the "I Saw You" section aloud. This is where people place personal ads for people they met once and can't find again. They're bizarre to say the least.

"Met you at Wal-Mart. I thought I had met an angel. You said you might call. I'll be waiting until the day I die."

Did you catch that? "Until the day I DIE." My God. That's scary stuff!

and

"CAT HEAD PAINTINGS: You: beard, smelly, dreadlocks, yellow van, homeless? Your cat head paintings touched my heart and your hands touched my no-no place. Could we try it again when your guts feel better? Did you take my house key?"

*Blink* What? It's a joke right? Right?!

I won't lie. I'm addicted. Those horrible personal ads are the only reason I frequent that hole-in-the-wall coffee shop. It sure as hell isn't for their overpriced coffee. It's not for the smelly couches that probably serve as a breeding ground for all types of new bacteria. It's not for the strange people who walk in straight off the circus train... Ok, so maybe it's a little bit for them too. But mostly it's for those damn personal ads. Do you think they make a patch for that? Or maybe some gum?

Futuristic Fairy Tales: I, like so many people, grew up with the Grimm Brothers' folk stories. I can't count the number of times I acted out the characters of their fairy tales. Sometimes I was Rapunzel, with a sheet for my hair. Or Hansel and Gretel, with a toy bin for my cage. When my brothers were babes I would enact Snow White, with different voices for each dwarf. The stories are timeless. But there's a part of me that can't help but wonder how different the stories would read had the Grimm brothers lived in the here-and-now and not the late 1700's.

Little Red Riding In Da Hood: One day her mother said to her, "Come Little Red Cap. Here is a flask of Jack Daniels and an AK47 . Take them to your grandmother. She is sick and weak, and holed up in the ghetto. Mind your manners and give her my greetings. Behave yourself on the way, and do not leave the path or you might fall down and bust your ass, and then there will be no one to save your sick grandmother."

Cinderella Bunifa Latifah Halifah Sharifa Jackson: Once upon a time there was a rich man who lived happily for a long time with his wife. Together they had a single daughter. Then the woman became ill, and when she was lying on her deathbed she called her daughter to her side and said, "Cindy dear, I must leave you now. But I will look down on you from heaven. Plant a little tree on my grave, and when you want something just shake yo daddy's leg until he gives it to you, and you shall get what you want. Don't remain pious and good, it didn't get me very far. Don't marry a balding fat man either, no matter how wealthy he may be. Marry someone who will keep that fire burning a good long time."

Little Thorny Rose (Sleeping Smugly): The fairies came to the celebration, and as it was ending they presented the child with gifts. The first one promised her a nice rack. The second one gave her a JLo butt, and so on, each one offering something desirable and magnificent. The eleventh fairy had just presented his gift when the thirteenth fairy walked in. He was very angry that he had not been invited and cried out, "Oh uh uh girlfriend! Because you did not invite me, I'll tell you what I'll do. On her fifteenth birthday, that daughter of yours will put on some stiletto heels and tumble over her own toes, falling to her death."

Daily Hoop Conversation 1:

Hoop: I just love your big beautiful eyes.
Tink: The better to see you with.
Hoop: Is that ironic?
Tink: What?
Hoop: You're wearing a red hoodie jacket, looking like Little Red Riding Hood, and quoting the Wolf?


Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Hoop fell asleep on the couch with his book across his chest)
Tink: Babe... Babe, wake up.
Hoop: Huh? Wha? What are you doing?
Tink: I'm taking you to bed. You fell asleep.
Hoop: But... How will you carry me?

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16 Comments:

At 18 January, 2006, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

Bwahahahaha! The Cat Head ad made me wet my pants. Thankyou for sharing.

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Woah. That ad is so scary.

Both of your Hoop conversations were laught-out-loud funny! Good thing I'm working at home today. Coworkers get antsy when you spend too much time laughing at your screen...

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger mE said...

I woke up the Vampire just now. Really, stop making me spray tea onto my screen through my nose, it's *very* undignified. And a little bit painful.

Hmmmph, and I wonder why I have so much trouble with my sinuses...

~Eileen

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

On Rocky and Bullwinkle, they were called "Fractured Fairy Tales." Yours are hysterical!

 
At 18 January, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

Oh my god, those ad's! And your fractured fairy tales are hilarious.

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

I am addicted to those ads as well. There are some great ones on the craigslist.com site: http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/mis/

Here's the best one I saw: TO the bearded man on Hamilton Street - w4m

You are beautiful. I've seen you get into a beat-up station wagon on Hamilton Street. Your look is always so serious, so mysterious. But your eyes send a different message. I've seen you with the beard and without in recent months. You seem kind and loyal, but carry a roughness, an edge about you. Where are you always going? Our souls connected with salt in our eyes, sand in our feet and debris on our backs. May your days be filled with wealth and your life be filled with happiness. I love you bearded man.

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

That site is excellent! I don't think you're HELPING my addiction though. Here's one I just found:

To the man peeing at the bus stop -24. It was very cold, and you were aiming for the wall. You missed your connection.

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Like your take on Cinderella. And the daily Hoop conversations are great. You guys must laugh all the time.

Thanks for the tag! Will get to it sometime soon when the children are unconscious.

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

Those ads are fabulous. And the couch probably helps to boost your immune system!

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

OMG. Those ads! Please post more.

I have to stop eating and drinking while I read your blog. I shot Pop Tarts out of my nose when I got to the Cinderella Fairy Tale. Ouch.

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

Oh my gosh, those ads are the literary equivelant of a train wreck! YOU MUST STOP AND LOOK!!!

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Ewww - Mama_Tulip has Pop Tart crumbs lodged in her sinuses!! Ewww!!! What if they start to grow little Pop Tarts? Or what if you get mice?

Tink - Ohmigod. Not really??? Heh. Well, I guess she'd previewed the merchandise.......

 
At 18 January, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Those are some sick ads. Why would anyone look for someone with dirty dreadlocks?? Yikes!

 
At 19 January, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

You need to start a regular feature on your blog, with some of those adds.

The fairytell thing is hilarious. Take some JD to Granny. I believe the heels thing has happened over and over again.

How did you carry Hoop?

 
At 19 January, 2006, Blogger R. Robyn said...

I jealous of your Hoop conversations. Not that you have them, but that you can remember them. Joey and I are cracking eachother up most of the night, but I can't remember anything the next day when I want to write about them!

 
At 19 January, 2006, Blogger V said...

"But how will you carry me." Heehee! Classic and so cute. :)

Can I meet you when YOU'RE guts feels better?

 

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