Monday, January 23, 2006

Chopstick Man

Every man has an inner child. Every woman has an inner Mommy. Last night I treated Hoop to Japanese. After a long day of moving furniture, and with a potentially long night of the same, I was determined to eat something that did not come out of a cardboard box or greasy bag. We munched on Edamame and waited for our waitress to come. None of the staff in our Japanese restaurant, save for the cooks, are Asian. I've gotten used to this slight oddity.

What I did not expect was a Spanish waitress. I don't mean that she was merely of Spanish descent. Although picture her in a kimono to get my full visual. I mean that she spoke nothing but Spanish. It took us five minutes to convey that Hoop wanted some chopsticks to eat his dinner with. The poor thing became flustered and looked as if she might cry on the spot.

Finally our little Senorita came back with Hoop's chopsticks. I watched as he expertly spooned rice into his mouth with them. "Try them!" he kept telling me. It's not that I don't know how. I've eaten plenty of meals in China Town, where they don't give you the option of other silverware. But when I'm that famished, I don't see the point of taking a bunch of small bites when I can shovel it in with a fork like the pig that I am.

After the meal was over, Hoop and I trudged back to our vehicles for a quick smoke break before attempting another round of Furniture Tetris. It was then that I noticed he had carried the chopsticks outside with him. "And what are you going to do with those?" I asked. He winked and stuffed a cigarette in between the two wood pieces. Then he lit it and smoked it... in the chopsticks. I should have known it wouldn't end there. Every man has an inner child.

We made a pitstop at Hoop's Mom's house on the way back to his old apartment. He opened my door...with the chopsticks. He closed my trunk...with the chopsticks. He waved good-bye to his Mom...with the chopsticks. Then he began to sing, "Chopstick Man. Chopstick Man. Doing the things only chopsticks can! Is he Asian? Is he a fan? Chopstick Man." I wrestled him to the ground, snatched the chopsticks from his hand and tossed them in the garbage can. Every woman has an inner Mommy.

Daily Hoop Conversation 1:
(While listening to rap on the radio)
Hoop: You know what I always wanted to be?
Tink: What?
Hoop: That big black guy that does the backup lyrics to all these rap songs.
Tink: So... You wish you could be the exact opposite of what you are?
Hoop: What, big or black?
Tink: No, a singer.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Directly after some morning Nookie)
Hoop: Want to hear something funny?
Tink: Sure.
Hoop: When I could feel that you were about to get off-
Tink: -uh huh.
Hoop: I heard an announcer in my head.
Tink: You heard an announcer in your head?
Hoop: Yeah. He was saying, "It's the bottom of the ninth. All bases are loaded. The crowd is going wild... DON'T. SCREW. THIS. UP!"
Tink: Good to know what guys think about while having sex.
Hoop: Well not all guys. Some guys don't like sports.



At 23 January, 2006, Anonymous TB said...

I love They Might Be Giants!

And anything followed by "Do you want to hear something funny?" is going to be good.

At 23 January, 2006, Blogger mama_tulip said...

I can so see Dave doing that with the chopsticks. He is a chopstick freak...always trying to get me to try them. I'm with you, girl...why waste time eating one grain of rice at a time when I can spoon it in like a champ?

At 23 January, 2006, Blogger Arabella said...

That second Hoop conversation....oh my goodness! My mother is in my apartment and I am laughing out loud. I am going to have some 'splaining to do.

At 23 January, 2006, Blogger Chris said...

Thanks for all the giggles! That 2nd Hoop conversation - excellent. :)

At 23 January, 2006, Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Girl, you crack me up!

I don't think the Spanish waitress will last long. Waitressing is all about communication. I love the mental image of a senorita in a kimono, though! Cute. :)

At 23 January, 2006, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Furniture Tetris! Bwa-ha-haaa! Love it!

At 23 January, 2006, Blogger Mary said...


did you get the furniture in proper alignment? We need to play the furniture game here, but it scares me...

At 23 January, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All us men say in our heads at that exact moment "Don't screw this up"! But the announcer, he must really be into sports. I have never heard that one before!!

At 23 January, 2006, Blogger Tink said...

TB: Ever since I introduced Hoop to that song we've applied it to everything. A personal favorite being, "Obese dog. Obese dog. Size of the entire universe dog. Is she that fat? Or maybe a hog? Obese dog."

Mama T: I imagine you could create a diet out of eating with chopsticks. You'd eat less simply for the frustration factor.

Arabella and Chris: I'm awaiting the football announcer come Super Bowl.

Mrs. Harridan: I was dying to take a picture, but I didn't want to mortify the poor girl any more than she already was. :)

Queen Mama and Mary: I'll have to post the picture of the truck we used. I almost started humming the Tetris theme music every time Hoop started dropping things into place.

Anonymous: I'll be really scared if he starts choreographing victory dances. ;)

At 23 January, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, if he got you "there", there is nothing wrong with a victory dance! ;-)

At 23 January, 2006, Blogger mE said...

Just for the sake of argument: watch japanese movies - they get big bites by a) using a high-gluten rice that sticks in clumps and b) the use the chopsticks to shovel the rice into their mouths... they lift the bowl up with one hand, tip it towards them and half lift, half push the rice into their mouths.

So the shoveling thing should stand you in good stead for really *authentic* chopstick eating!

(Hoop Conversations Rock!)


At 23 January, 2006, Blogger wordgirl said...

Mr. Half always uses chopsticks. I'm with you. I can shovel it in SO MUCH FASTER if I have a fork.

At 23 January, 2006, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

Wow, that is so weird. I always wanted to be the guy that goes, "Yea-uh. Uh-huh.", in rap songs.

At 23 January, 2006, Blogger Alien said...

Hoop rules. :)

At 24 January, 2006, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Chopstick man...they are so cute aren't they, right up until you want to hit them in the head with a frying pan.

Your's manages to speak after nookie? Impressive.

At 24 January, 2006, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Last time I went to a Benihana style restaurant my chef's name was Carlos.


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