Static

Does anyone remember the The P.I.T.S. List? I was short of inspiration this morning and decided to dig it out of the archives, the January 2007 archives to be exact.

What fashion crimes did you commit in High School?

High School wasn't that long ago for me. So let's go back to Elementary and Middle School instead. Back in Elementary school I wore a lot of turtlenecks. The ones that stick out in my memory the most had little flower patterns on them. Sometimes I'd finish off the look with a "nice" matching vest. I'm not even shitting you. I think my Mom might have hated me. Or maybe it was just an 80's thing, along with LensCrafter's inability to make glasses less than an inch thick.

How did my nose even hold those things up?!

In Middle School I fell into the 90's crap-bands trap. I wore overalls, or "bibs", sometimes backwards or with only one strap connected. Who started that? Was it Criss-cross? At one time I even attempted the single black line under my left eye. Thanks TLC. Thank God I didn't attempt to recreate their condom jackets. My Mom would have killed me, walking around like a damn rubber dispenser. Belly shirts were in, as were acid-washed jeans and Koolaid stripes in the hair. No one told you the Koolaid didn't come out until it was too late though.

So, what fashion sins did you commit?

August - October Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Gown for big Mom I think they call that a MuuMuu.
2. How do you spell scratch? Um... Scratch.
3. Carmeltoe Sex Mmm, carmeltoe. But, nothing beats a good carmelbicep.
4. Mom peed on me!
5. Zombies dreams mean Zombies don't sleep, silly!
6. free pictures of male hairy assholes They better be free.
7. klingon lesbian
8. Jalapenos Punishment Penis What? Oh... OH! Nasty.
9. t is a social pariah Poor t. He never could measure up to T.
10. What are the large berries on my potatoes? They're eyes. Ooooo.

P.S. I won't be on tomorrow. I'm taking a play day (Yay!). Have a safe and fun weekend. Hoop and I will be spending ours at Halloween Horror Nights getting the crap scared out of us.

Continuation

Not long after my twelfth birthday, I decided to get a perm. I was sure ringlets were the hidden key to popularity. Unfortunately, ringlets were not what I ended up with. What I saw in the mirror when I finished was a frizzy mess with the occasional curl mixed in. "Maybe it hasn't set in yet?" I mumbled from the chair. Mom and I went shopping after the makeover. I walked around all day sniffing the air and wondering what the hell smelled so bad. It smelled like an animal had been electrocuted. And then I realized... I was the cause of the smell. "Will it ever go away?" I hiccuped through my tears. My Mom, ever the patient and empathetic one, replied "I told you you wouldn't like it!"

"What did you do to your hair?" Ryan asked the next day. "It looks like a poodle!" I'd like to say I smiled and replied, "Well good! Because that's what I was going for." But we all know I didn't. I hid in the house for a couple days (it was summer) watching as Ryan and his new girlfriend practiced tennis swings in his front yard. That summer brought many changes. I started wearing a bra. Not because I had boobs or anything, but because some girl down the street said she could see my nipples through my shirt. I started shaving (the same girl had said I resembled a werewolf). The last big change, one that became my signature style through the years, was a slick new bob created by my scissor-wielding Grandma.

Sometime during the next school year, Ryan regained interest in me again. I fantasized about kissing him. In my mind, kissing was something magical. I laugh now. What was I expecting, butterflies and rainbows to sprout out of my ass? The first attempt happened right after I surprised him with a gift. My Mom's friend suggested an engraved keychain. Because nothing says "I like you" like a keychain. I picked out a matching set, a key and heart that fit neatly together. He was surprised alright. So surprised he failed to notice I was leaning in for a kiss. I ended up losing my balance and knocking my chin on his shoulder. Smooth.

About a month later I started "dating" a guy name Mike. I say "dating" because really, how many dates can one go on in seventh grade? The bulk of our relationship was passing notes during English and sitting together at lunch. Until... One night Mom went out and left me in charge of my little brother. The kicker was that she let Mike come over and help. I didn't even really like Mike. He had thick black hair that he kept greased on the sides and spiked in the front. He wore oversized clothes and listened to metal. In short, he was everything a prep like Ryan would hate. After the baby was put down, I led us out to the front stoop and tried to look kissable.

The timing was impeccable. Just as Mike leaned in to kiss me, Ryan walked out of his house. "This is it!" I thought. And then something unexpected happened. Mike licked my face. His tongue was everywhere. Around my mouth. On my chin. Up my nostril. I tried to pull away, but his tongue followed. It looked like a snake trying to strike something. When it was over, I looked up and saw Ryan was laughing. "Want to kiss some more?" Mike asked. "Um. NO. Thank you." I got up and went into the house. "THIS is what I've been waiting for? THIS?! Why do grownups like that?" That kiss alone cured me from being interested in boys for three more years.

Luckily it got better. MUCH better. ;)

Updates:
1. AG has been readmitted to the hospital. He now has pneumonia in both lungs and they can't get him to eat or drink. They hooked him up to an IV and his lungs started filling with liquid. They say it's only a matter of time. We're going to the hospital tonight to say our good-byes. Keep him in your thoughts.
2. While at work alone today, Hoop was threatened by a customer who had been turned down for a loan last Friday. After tearing through the office the guy yelled, "Who do I have to shoot around here to get money?" Then he walked out to his car. Hoop, unable to lock the door, walked outside to confront the man. He succeeded in calming the guy down enough to get him to leave. But it still makes me nervous. Why are there so many screwed up people in the world?

Weekend Recap and WWC tomorrow.

Cashing In The Memory Bank

(Blog fodder provided by The P.I.T.S. List)

How old were you when you had your first french kiss?

Eleven was a rough year for me. Boys were no longer gross, and had quickly become creatures of mystery. My body was changing in subtle ways. Although I wasn't old enough to have boobs yet, I was still young enough to believe I'd grow "big ones." (I'm still waiting on that.) We had just moved into a new house. The most popular girl in the neighborhood's old house to be exact. I was a target before I'd even enrolled at Warren Elementary. A fact that I unknowingly helped along.

On the first day of school I wore my most "fashionable" vest and turtleneck set. An ensemble that was nothing compared to the stringy blond hair and coke-bottle glasses that accessorized it. "Do you think he's cute?" The MPG (Most Popular Girl) asked while we stood in line for the drinking fountain. I nodded, anxious for her approval. "Well you can't have him. He's mine!" She yelled, yanking on one of the ringlets my Mom had spent hours creating that morning.

From that moment on I was laughed at. It didn't matter that I thought the MPB (Most Popular Boy) rude and stupid. His girlfriend spread the word that I liked him, and that was ammunition enough for the other kids. No other boy dared flirt with me. Girls hesitated to lend me their pens. Even the teacher found their jokes amusing, before she made them stop. It was as if the MPG had stamped a large scarlet "L" on my forehead.

After school I'd watch the kids next door play basketball as I practiced dribbling. I didn't even like basketball. But it was the first thing on my wish list that Christmas. On the other side of my house lived a boy named Ryan. He was a Junior High Schooler. Words best spoken in a hushed or awed tone. "Junior. High. Schooler." I idolized him. He tolerated me. Eventually, whether out of boredom or pity, he even began hanging out with me.

We'd go on hikes through the woods behind my house. He'd pick burrs off my shoes when I started crying (because he'd lied and said they were spider eggs. "They're going to hatch and devour your toes!") He lent me his jacket when it was cold. He told me I was pretty. It didn't matter that he liked to play strange games. Like "Wrestling In The Dark." A game that always left me pinned to the floor and him panting above me.

"How far have you gone?" Ryan asked me one day. "All the way to Ohio," I replied. I remember the look on his face. Vividly. "No stupid. How FAR have you gone?" Then he made a face like he was tongue fighting a vacuum hose. "OH! Um... I've been felt up before." I lied. I had no idea what that even meant. His eyes got wide. "By who?" "This guy I used to date." All of a sudden I was an expert on the matter. Brilliant. "Could I feel you up?" He asked. I was horrified. "NO!" I snapped, turning tail and running home.

He must have been pretty offended. He went to my house the next day and tattled to my Mom. She was outraged. I couldn't leave the house after that without being grilled about where I'd been and what I'd been doing. As if I had any actual friends to be getting in trouble with. As for Ryan? Of course I still hung out with the schmuck. I was eleven, and stupid. But the dynamics of our friendship had changed a bit. We became hell bent on making each other think we weren't interesting in each other.

A ploy which lead me to my first real kiss. A kiss that was NOT given by Ryan, incidently...

More on Monday.

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...

Rush
Wait

February Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Fuck in Egypt Right now I'd settle for anywhere but the floor.
2. "watch my girlfriend" Do what? Tricks?
3. waiting for my period blogs You don't need a support group. You need a pee test.
4. lashes from whip would probably really hurt
5. What does it mean when the cursor arrow is giggling? You've had too much to drink.
6. answer for car accident-meaning of severed heads Um... They're dead. This isn't rocket surgery.
7. T The letter of the day. Brought to you by I, N, and K.
8. See my tampon Ewwww, no. I'm sure it's... lovely.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Oy Vey

One day after posting The P.I.T.S. List and I'm already drawing from it for inspiration. So the topic for today's post is....

When was the last time you wrote a letter and sent it via snail mail? Who'd you send it to?

I was never very good at writing letters. I had a fictional pen pal back in fifth grade who died by the mail box waiting for my letter to arrive. Her name was A.W. I really liked Rootbeer back then. I think it all started with my fourth grade teacher. She taught us the correct way to write in cursive. But she never told me how to hold a pen. To illustrate:

Grab a writing utensil. Curl all your fingers in but the middle and thumb fingers. Be careful who you demonstrate this in front of. Now put the pen/pencil over top the curled fingers, toward the finger nails, not the knuckles. Place the tip of the middle finger on the pen. Curl the thumb over the pen and underneath the middle finger. Now write.

Fucked up isn't it? Anyway...

Eventually I got really good at typing. I typed letters to my Grandma, my Dad, my old friends in Indiana and Ohio. I had the bug. Until one day I got mad at my friend Nate. I had just moved to Florida with my family. I was thirteen. Nate called the night before to accuse me of leaving him in Indiana on purpose. Not that he wanted to come with, just that I had left altogether.

Never having visited Florida, he didn't understand what the big deal was, and instantly jumped to the conclusion that I had left because of him. Because you know, thirteen year olds have that kind of power. So instead of talking it out like a rational adult (which I wasn't yet) I wrote him a nasty letter. I can't remember what it said, but it probably went something like:

"Dear Nate. You suck. How can you be so selfish? If that's how your gunna be, I dont want to be friends with you anymore. Ill take up surfing instead."

A day after I sent the letter, Nate called. His Mom had died. After consoling him I remembered the letter. "Don't open it OK," I made him promise. But I knew he would. A week later the letter came back marked undeliverable. The addresses were correct and the right postage had been added. I concluded it was Fates way of saying, "Be careful what you say in anger."

Yeah, right. I was thirteen! I thought it meant I shouldn't write letters anymore. Otherwise, people were going to DIE.

So I didn't.

And then ten years later, Hoop's brother Nash went into boot camp and sent us twenty zillion letters begging for a response. Ok, so it was more like five. But still. So Hoop and I started writing. And by "writing" I mean with a pen. Hoop thinks typed letters are impersonal. Which leads me all the way back to the original questions. The answers are, "a month ago" and "Nash." In two more months the last answer will be "none."

Because Fate and my crunked up hand say so.

Updates:
1. Hoop's Mom's puppy, the one who ate Rat Poison on Christmas Eve, is doing just fine. She's almost out of the three week grace period, and is as lively as ever.
2. They did the inspection on the house yesterday. I haven't heard anything back yet. Cross your fingers they don't find roof/plumbing/electric/termite/water/felon damage.
3. As some of you might have noticed in Monday's comments, Mama Tulip and family are getting ready to put their house on the market. Think lucky thoughts for them!

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "The Gateway." Find out the secret behind Mirror Mirror! A personalized post to anyone who can guess where the story is going.

F.U.B.U. Was Already Taken

The P.I.T.S. (Post Ideas To Save) List

If you were to meet a group of bloggers, which of your characteristics/habits/whatever would make you the most self-conscious about meeting them?

What movies/books/music/television shows do you like and why?

If you could rewrite a section of history, which section would it be? How would you rewrite it? Why?

What were some of your most memorable childhood experiences?

Where were you born? Where have you lived?

If you could pick one musical instrument and be a virtuoso tomorrow,(without all those years of practice), which would you pick?

What are the "seven wonders" of your life?

What are your biggest pet peeves?

What fashion crimes did you commit in High School?

Are you a glass half-full or half-empty kind of person?

Name some things that make your blood boil.

What makes you go weak in the knees?

Where is the best place you've ever had sex? Worst? Most embarrassing?

What subjects have your views changed on over time? What caused it to change?

Name ten products you wish you'd invented.

What song is guaranteed to make you speed in your car? Dance in your seat? Sing out loud?

If you could meet only ONE former American president, who would it be and why?

When was the last time you wrote a letter and sent it via snail mail? Who'd you send it to?

What unsolved mystery would you love to know the answer to?

If you could have one super-power what would it be? What would you use it for?

What games did you like to play when you were a little kid? If you played "dress up", what did you like to wear?

How old were you when you had your first french kiss?

Name a movie you've seen more than 10 times. Why have you seen it so many times?

What crimes have you committed but were never caught at?

What person from YOUR past do you most want to find out about now?

If someone discovered there was life after death (for sure) and you could put in your order now of what you'd like to come back as, what would your order say?

There it is folks! You all had some great ideas. Go ahead, copy-paste it somewhere safe for the next uninspired day. I'll probably be using one soon. ;)

January Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. arabella boobs I'm sure she appreciates that.
2. "smelly dreadlocks" cleaning Here's your solution- cut them off! Damn hippies.
3. pickled yoda He does remind me of a gherkin!
4. subliminal boob growth If it worked, I'd be a D-cup by now.
5. i want to watch my girlfriend get gang banged You should tell her. I'm sure that would do a world of good for your relationship.
6. who is hoop's baby father Wouldn't it be Hoop?
7. the strippers from bladder santa They might want to avoid giving him a lap dance.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(Talking on the two-way)
Tink: Did your radio station go out?
Hoop: Yeah.
Tink: Mine too. I wonder what happened?
Hoop: Maybe Jacksonville just got leveled!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Still talking on two-way)
Tink: Where are you now?
Hoop: I'm behind the truck in back of you.
Tink: Oh, OK.
Hoop: Do you think our cell phones are giving him brain cancer?

Look for a new chapter of TT tomorrow!