Monday, February 26, 2007


Not long after my twelfth birthday, I decided to get a perm. I was sure ringlets were the hidden key to popularity. Unfortunately, ringlets were not what I ended up with. What I saw in the mirror when I finished was a frizzy mess with the occasional curl mixed in. "Maybe it hasn't set in yet?" I mumbled from the chair. Mom and I went shopping after the makeover. I walked around all day sniffing the air and wondering what the hell smelled so bad. It smelled like an animal had been electrocuted. And then I realized... I was the cause of the smell. "Will it ever go away?" I hiccuped through my tears. My Mom, ever the patient and empathetic one, replied "I told you you wouldn't like it!"

"What did you do to your hair?" Ryan asked the next day. "It looks like a poodle!" I'd like to say I smiled and replied, "Well good! Because that's what I was going for." But we all know I didn't. I hid in the house for a couple days (it was summer) watching as Ryan and his new girlfriend practiced tennis swings in his front yard. That summer brought many changes. I started wearing a bra. Not because I had boobs or anything, but because some girl down the street said she could see my nipples through my shirt. I started shaving (the same girl had said I resembled a werewolf). The last big change, one that became my signature style through the years, was a slick new bob created by my scissor-wielding Grandma.

Sometime during the next school year, Ryan regained interest in me again. I fantasized about kissing him. In my mind, kissing was something magical. I laugh now. What was I expecting, butterflies and rainbows to sprout out of my ass? The first attempt happened right after I surprised him with a gift. My Mom's friend suggested an engraved keychain. Because nothing says "I like you" like a keychain. I picked out a matching set, a key and heart that fit neatly together. He was surprised alright. So surprised he failed to notice I was leaning in for a kiss. I ended up losing my balance and knocking my chin on his shoulder. Smooth.

About a month later I started "dating" a guy name Mike. I say "dating" because really, how many dates can one go on in seventh grade? The bulk of our relationship was passing notes during English and sitting together at lunch. Until... One night Mom went out and left me in charge of my little brother. The kicker was that she let Mike come over and help. I didn't even really like Mike. He had thick black hair that he kept greased on the sides and spiked in the front. He wore oversized clothes and listened to metal. In short, he was everything a prep like Ryan would hate. After the baby was put down, I led us out to the front stoop and tried to look kissable.

The timing was impeccable. Just as Mike leaned in to kiss me, Ryan walked out of his house. "This is it!" I thought. And then something unexpected happened. Mike licked my face. His tongue was everywhere. Around my mouth. On my chin. Up my nostril. I tried to pull away, but his tongue followed. It looked like a snake trying to strike something. When it was over, I looked up and saw Ryan was laughing. "Want to kiss some more?" Mike asked. "Um. NO. Thank you." I got up and went into the house. "THIS is what I've been waiting for? THIS?! Why do grownups like that?" That kiss alone cured me from being interested in boys for three more years.

Luckily it got better. MUCH better. ;)

1. AG has been readmitted to the hospital. He now has pneumonia in both lungs and they can't get him to eat or drink. They hooked him up to an IV and his lungs started filling with liquid. They say it's only a matter of time. We're going to the hospital tonight to say our good-byes. Keep him in your thoughts.
2. While at work alone today, Hoop was threatened by a customer who had been turned down for a loan last Friday. After tearing through the office the guy yelled, "Who do I have to shoot around here to get money?" Then he walked out to his car. Hoop, unable to lock the door, walked outside to confront the man. He succeeded in calming the guy down enough to get him to leave. But it still makes me nervous. Why are there so many screwed up people in the world?

Weekend Recap and WWC tomorrow.



At 26 February, 2007, Blogger fiwa said...

Oh Tink, I'm so sorry to hear that about AG. I'm thinking about you and Hoop.

Good god, your kiss story cracked me up. I remember my first, I called it the wet dog kiss, but it was nowhere near as bad as yours. I'm suprised you didn't hit him, I think I would've at that age.

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Yikes, that last one (the scary customer) sure hit home!!

Hee hee - love your licked to death story...

Will be thinking of AG. *hug*

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Love the slobber story. haha .. I can't believe you didn't want some more of that. ;-)

I'll think good thought for AG.

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

Oh and not to make light of the situation but ..

If somebody asked "Who do I have to shoot around here to get money?"

I would answer .. he just left for lunch, if you'll come back in one hour he'll be available.

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger Peggy said...

I have my own rotten kisser stories. Maybe I'll tell them someday, but your story is worse!

Will keep AG in my prayers tonight along with you and Hoop.

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger Alex said...

I'm so sorry about AG...I'm having mini-flshbacks to saying goodbye to my own Grandpa in hospice care six years ago, and my heart hurts for you guys. Hugs...

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

I'm sorry about AG. I'll keep you all in my thoughts.

I love these posts from PITS. You always make them so entertaining.

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

Awww honey, my thoughts to you and the family for AG.

Great kiss story.

And I can't decide if Hoop was a total dumbass or made a heroic gesture that kept something worse from happening. Either way, I think I'd have to slap him and then kiss him. Or kiss him and then slap him. Not sure........

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger Ellie's Mommie said...

Too funny. I'm not even sure I remember my first kiss. I do however remember a similar kiss from a drunk idiot that left me gasping for breath (and not in a good way) I think if breathing hadn't been such a priority at the moment, I would have highly considered striking a low blow to make him go away!

Sorry to hear about your AG, that's always tough.

Oh, and yes, I wrote the little poem today. (Though it was inspired by my co-worker stating "There once was a rich family who live in a mansion...")

Best wishes & glad I could give you a chuckle.

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger Ellie said...

I was 12 when I got a poodle perm too. My mom brought me to 3 different places in one day to get my hair fixed.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

At 26 February, 2007, Blogger gawilli said...

My daughter has a bad perm story that ended in a very short haircut. Is there such a thing as a good perm?

I hope that AG will find comfort in the love of you and Hoop. My thoughts are with all of you.

At 26 February, 2007, Anonymous Toni Marie said...

I'm sorry to hear about your family hun. My thoughts are with you.

I really enjoyed your story though, I've been lucky enough never to have a really horrid kissing story like that, I've got some sex ones. And the closest I've come to a guy licking my face and thinking it's okay is my Brother who's two.

At 27 February, 2007, Blogger Lucia said...

Like everyone else here, I feel like I'm leaving 2 separate comments...

First, well told! That kiss story made for beautiful reading.

And, second, I too am so sorry you need to say your goodbyes. Will be thinking about you and Hoop.

At 27 February, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

Your story is awesome. And you are an awesome writer.

My mom begged and begged me to get a perm when I was five. She wanted me to look like Shirley Temple. I HATED the look and thought of a perm but gave in because she wouldn't let up. I cried through the entire thing, because it smelled so fucking bad, and it took me YEARS to grow that bloody perm out. I razzed my mom about it until she died, for real...I never forgave her for that awful perm.

I'm really sorry to hear about AG. I hope he passes guys are in my thoughts.

And, uh...I know this is going to make me look like a complete and utter retard. I'm okay with that. Keep in mind that I'm really tired and worn down by my two children, sick husband and life in general, okay? But is Jeff Hoop? I've never heard you refer to him other than Hoop.

At 27 February, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

Fiwa: I think I was too shocked to hit him. It was like a car accident. You don't fully understand what you've gone through until long after it's over.

Jay: *Snort* I'll be sure to write that one down in case either of us gets threatened with a gun again. ;)

Peggy + Toni: Do tell!

Newt: Right?! I was like, "What were you doing? Why didn't you call the cops?" Apparently he took too long trying to decide if he should tackle the guy or not. *Groan* Men.

Ellie's Mommie: You have some talent with the poetry girl. Ever think of writing something like "Where the Sidewalk Ends?" :)

Ellie + Gawilli: Whoever invented perm solution should be strung by their toes and dipped in a vat of the stuff.

Mama T: *Drools on own shirt* Can you tell I'm tired too? Yes, Jeff is Hoop. I corrected it so people wouldn't be confused. Although I'm long past the point of carrying about being anonymous, it's good to be consistent.

EVERYONE: Thank you all for your support and kind wishes/prayers/thoughts! You all are such dear and wonderful people.

At 27 February, 2007, Anonymous TB said...

God, your story about your pre-pubescent self is making me all squirmy remembering how awful that time was for me too. Yuk.

I'm so sorry about Hoop's grandfather. You guys are in my thoughts.

And as for the scary confrontational guy... good lord. I hope Hoop has a place he can go in his building to either escape or lock the door. People are freaking insane these days and thanks to the really loose gun inforcement in Florida, they're all armed.

At 27 February, 2007, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

I remember my first perm, but what was worse for me was my Dorothy Hamill haircut. I looked like a boy! Ick!

That "kiss" story reminded me of my own. It is weird how our expectations are so different when we are younger.

Oh, and Jay's answer to Hoop's experience was so funny (although the experience is not).

At 27 February, 2007, Blogger Tawcan said...

That last one about the customer is scary.

This post is worthless without a pic of your first perm. :p

At 27 February, 2007, Blogger meno said...

I got my first perm courtesy of my grandmother's hairdresser while i was staying there for the summer. Good lord what an abomination that turned out to be.

I am sorry about AG. Tell him you love him.

At 27 February, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well. So much for THAT. I just left this long ass comment and it was eaten.

Short version.

I am so sorry about AG. *hugs*

The thing w/ Hoop and the psycho dude, that freaked me out. I can only imagine how you felt.

The perm. OMG. It's the worst when we willingly do things like that to ourselves. Right before entering 7th grade I insisted on getting a 'trendy' new hair cut. It was a new school, new town, new people. My new cut was trendy all right....if I'd been in the 70's! God....



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