Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Just Add Alcohol

Sorry I didn't post yesterday.

I was hiding out in my fort.

Unfortunately, because the fort was invisible, people kept finding me. I need to learn how to make myself invisible too. Work has been overwhelming lately. It's our busy season and I'm going on vacation in a week and a half. Which means everyone is rushing to dump as much as they can on my desk before I leave. I call it "The Great Asshole Race of 2007."

We got Hoop's car back last night. We're $1,600 in the hole and the damn thing is STILL overheating. We haven't even touched the bodywork yet. I keep thinking this year will get better. My Mom's theory is that all the bad stuff is getting knocked out in the first half of the year and that the second half will be better. On July 2nd at noon, the year will officially be half over. I think we should all celebrate.

I didn't take any pictures over the weekend, despite my good intentions. It bums me out. I was really excited about
Odd Mix's word selection. Bless Hoop's heart, he couldn't stand to see me so glum, and tried in vain to spark a muse. He made shadow puppets on the wall using Duff's toys. The headless pony made an appearance as well as the humping monkey. Yes. They were together.

Stoopid Peapole:
  • Seen on a professional document from corporate office, "Not every vendor carried these products just for your information's."
  • The other night, Hoop and I went to pick up a desk we had ordered from Regardless that the desk had already been paid for, the employee behind the counter refused to help us without a confirmation number. Hoop asked if the number could be obtained by calling a help line. The girl shrugged. Neither the employee or the manager knew what the help desk number was. So Hoop took a shot in the dark and dialed 1-800-Walmart. Lo and behold, it worked.
  • Overheard on the radio, "Your girlfriend shot at you, and now you're wondering if you should break up with her?" "Yes."

    June Search Terms:
    (What people put into search engines that bring them here)
    1. granny huge boobs, papa likes feeling them
    Maybe he's just trying to rub her knee.
    2. Easter bunny boobs
    You are one sick puppy bunny.
    3. Itty Bitty Titties I'm detecting a theme here.
    4. fraudulent hermaphrodite photos
    5. wireless vibrating underwear for him Does it come with GPS tracking too?
    6. purchase pickled beef It can be yours for 3 easy payments of... $25,000! What a steal.

    Check out this awesome
    video of a couple of "Quick Change Artists." I've watched it four times and I can't figure out how they do it!

    Tomorrow: Everyone's favorite,
    Folioweekly ads!
  • Labels: , ,


    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger Cat Herder said...

    Velcro. Lots of Velcro.

    More importantly, though, how can anyone take David Hasslehoff seriously now? "Don't Hassle the Hoff"?? Are you SERIOUS, man??

    At 06 June, 2007, Anonymous Michelle said...

    1-800-Wal-Mart *snort!* I can't believe it was that easy. Well, actually, I can.

    That quick change stuff is something else. I'll tell ya how they do it... velcro-dot closures, lotsa layers and practice, practice, practice, practice, practice! :)

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

    I'm gonna guess velcro on on the quick change. OH .. I guess somebody beat me to it. ;-)

    Dump all the bad stuff into the first half of the year and the second half will be great. Pretty good theory. I hope it holds.

    Where are you going for vacation???

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger Lefty said...

    You gotta love those customer service training manuals:

    "Rule #1 Treat customers like shit.

    Rule #2 When in doubt, see Rule #1."

    By the way, I have a link to invisible boobs over at my place today.

    At 06 June, 2007, Anonymous mamatulip said...

    I hope your Mom's right. You guys have had a lot of shit dumped on you this past little while.

    1-800-WALMART. God, if only the rest of life were that simple.

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

    Yeah, hope that things settle down for y'all!

    But dang, how come I don't overhear or read all the surreal things you come across?!

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger Matthew said...

    I'm going to start ending all of my sentences with apostrophe-"S"es now's.

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

    I honestly believe that Wal*Mart employees must pass a test before they can work there. The test proves they have at least 80% apathy and 20% asshole personality traits.

    I do not shop at Wal*Mart. I don't care if they are cheap. I don't care.

    July 2nd I will make a special batch of dirty martini's, take one out to the porch and scream the toast "SUCK IT FIRST HALF!"
    I bet the neighbors come over.

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger captain corky said...

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger captain corky said...

    We're $1,600 in the hole and the damn thing is STILL overheating.

    I feel your pain Tink. I had an 83 Chevy Tahoe and no matter how many times I got it looked at the the beast still overheated. Finally I had to part with it. It was a sad day.

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger Chelle said...

    Hey, the "itty-bitty titties" should have popped up with my name! :) Did I just say that out loud?

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger mjd said...

    Since the invisible thing is not working for you, maybe you need to read The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't by Robert I. Sutton.

    At 06 June, 2007, Anonymous susan said...

    OK that is just amazing. I figured they must be using velcro and layering, but what do they do with the clothes they take off? And changing in confetti? How amazing.

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger Terri said...

    Well Tink; I've been havin' a year quite like nothing ever had before and hopefully never to be repeated. But there's a common theory that I like to hold on to like a lifeline. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

    At 06 June, 2007, Blogger butterfly girl said...

    I like your mom. She's smart and full of wisdom. Cheer up, all you need to know is that I Love You. *L*


    Wal-Mart sucks, I hate it. You with me? No?

    At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

    July 2nd, you say?

    Crap, that's still a month of shit away.

    At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Laurasia said...

    Man, quick change artists are no joke. I use to work at this joint and got taken twice. Not once, but twice...*sighs*

    I'm thinking about suing the characters of Sesame street. Especially Count Dracula.

    At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

    Laurasia: I think you're talking about a different kind of quick change artist. These guys are more comical than criminal. ;)

    Butterfly Girl: I'm definitely with you. After I complained to customer service, they cancelled my second order. Said, "Sorry, but it's been lost in transit." Didn't even ask if it was OK!

    Terri: My theory is, what doesn't kill you makes you crazy. Hehe.

    MJD: The title alone makes me want to pick it up.

    Chelle: Girl, I'm the PRESIDENT of the itty bitty titty society.

    Scottsdale Girl: I think I'd like you as a neighbor. :)

    Mathew: We could start a new trend's.

    Chris: Because I'm a weird magnet. Which would explain why all of you are here. Hehe.

    Mama T + Michelle: Right? Why isn't there a 1-800-WINNINGLOTTONUMBERS?

    Lefty: Invisible boobs. Niiice. Instead of pointing out how small my rack is, maybe I'll start telling people my boobs are invisible.

    Cat Herder: I hate the Hoff. Have you seen the video his daughter took of him while he was drunk? Pathetic. I don't know why the guy is on the air.

    Jay: Alabama, of all places. Hoop's Dad is renting a house on the beach.

    At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Maggie said...

    Hey I'm down with the half of the year party. Seriously. Instead of just a New Year's countdown, there should be a Half Year countdown to midnight and lots and lots of alcohol and whooping and dancing.

    At 07 June, 2007, Blogger Kell said...

    July 2--I got it circled on the calendar! Great idea. I'm ready for that, too.

    At 07 June, 2007, Anonymous Lily said...

    Wal Mart sucks. They lure people with their cheap wares and empty promises but the fuckers are just ruining the damn planet.

    Instead of a fort, what about fake illness? Would that keep people the hell away? Carry kleenex and snort. Make remarks about being SOOO contagious.

    hope you find some serenity. SOON.

    At 08 June, 2007, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

    What the living hell is wrong with some people. Those search terms are creepy.


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