Friday, June 01, 2007

Ma'assalama, May

May Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Thursday.
2. The most popular hour being 4pm.
3. The top referrers were Sunshine and Maggie.
4. The most used search term was, "slang for intercourse."
5. My favorite search term was, "dos boobs." Because three is too many, and one just isn't enough.
6. The highest hit post (229) was on May 8th, the day of Sunshine's Blog Prom. Ah, good times!

31 Quirks for 31 Days:
1. My Dad once tried to invent a vibrating tampon.
2. I can't believe I haven't told you this already.
3. I was 18 at the time. He asked my friends if they would like to try it out.
4. They were crazy enough to consider it. If it hadn't been for the threat of shock from the watch batteries, they might have even gone through with it.
5. A few years later I looked it up on the net for a lark. Turns out, someone had already invented it...
6. ...as a means for controlling cramps.
7. Not exactly the purpose my Father had in mind. He was never one for practicality.
8. I fully believe the "dirty old man" gene runs through my family line. My Grandfather owned a bar, an underground gambling ring, and an adult toy store.
9. When he died, they found 33 black trash bags filled with porn in his garage.
10. Every morning on the drive to work, I fight the feeling that I'm crossing over to the dark side.
11. I'd switch jobs, but I'm not sure what my alternatives are.
12. My Mom, the professional career counselor, says I should find something that uses my natural talents.
13. So far I haven't found anything that requires an experienced daydreamer.
14. It's very disheartening.
15. I've been doing these monthly quirks for over a year!
16. I figured I would have run out of things to say by now.
17. Apparently, you all and Hoop provide ample fodder.
18. What a cool word. According to dictionary.com, fodder means "people considered as readily available and of little value."
19. Oh. Ouch.
20. Pfft. What the hell do the dictionary people know anyway?
21. I have dimples in my earlobes.
22. I have an innie belly button.
23. I think I have an irregular amount of smell receptors in my nose.
24. Things to me don't always smell the way they do to others.
25. My friend's car smells like butter.
26. My pants smell like burnt wood.
27. The sales room smells like unwashed feet.
28. THAT one I firmly believe is true. The sales guys can deny it all they want.
29. We have a soap thief at work.
30. Full bottles of soap will go missing within an hour of being put out.
31. Who the hell steals soap?!
32. I talked to my boss about it. He asked how I didn't see the culprit, since my office is right next to the kitchen.
33. Which leads me to believe...
34. ...my split personality is doing it.
35. I knew she was evil!

Have a great weekend!

Labels: ,

32 Comments:

At 01 June, 2007, Blogger Sunshine said...

We had a longtime employee at our business who started a racket with his wife stealing all the toilet paper out of the bathrooms and various cleaning supplies. We fired him after the third time he was caught loading up TP. Dude, you're so desperate to NOT buy your own you'll risk termination.
All I can think is, our store TP must have been softer than anything his wife was buying.

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger captain corky said...

I was completely with you on the innie belly button thing, but what about this burnt wood?

Have a great weekend Tink!

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

Sunshine: I honestly think with people like that it's not WHAT they're stealing so much as THAT they're stealing.

Captain Corky: I think our dryer is making our clothes smell burnt. Hoop keeps telling me it's not. But I'm sitting here and I swear my pants smell like a friggin campfire.

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger Jay said...

I guess companies always buy that really cheap and tough TP to keep employees from stealing it? I just always thought they were cheap.

"27. The sales room smells like unwashed feet."

Sales guys are usually pretty competitive. Competitive guys usually play sports like basketball. Gusy who play basketball a lot have sweaty feet. So, clearly you are totally right about that one.

Yeah, that made a lot of freaking sense. ;-)

Have a great weekend!

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

I think that the smell of YOUR sales room is preferable to ours, which smells like someone went through the cologne section at a major department store and got a BIG splash at every counter (sometimes of multiple scents) and then went home and dressed in perfume samples from magazines and THEN went to work.

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger Matthew said...

It's my guess that the vibrating tampon would control cramps in much the same fashion that hitting your big toe with a claw hammer will get your mind of that nagging headache.

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger Heather said...

I would have asked your boss if he would prefer that you spend more time watching for the soap theif and less time working?? :-)

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger butterfly girl said...

My parents were so the opposite, they hid behind superhero suits.

I can't even imagine.

Have a good weekend, see you at my birthday party.

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger sassybead said...

So recently we got an e-mail message at work saying that things keep disappearing around here. The advice was to keep a look out and to make sure we kept things locked up at our desk. Just now I went and unlocked my file cabinet. Looking inside, I realized that the only thing of value I am protecting is my Trader Joe's Organic Dark Chocolate bar!

PS - My purse is on the floor in full view of everyone.
PPS - We all think it's the cleaning crew.

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger Mignon said...

First, I'm trying to get my mind around the prototype vibrating tampon. Does it have a disposable portion and a permanent portion? Did he make 1 and expect several people to share it? Who wants to be vibrated while they're irritated by their Kotex?

Second, at least your other personality is clean. What if she were incontinent? That woud suck.

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger mitchgib said...

Ahem, wouldn't the vibrating, ahem, let's say, dislodge some uterine contents thus foiling the objective of the said tampon ? Just wondering.

Your family sounds much more interesting than mine, though we had a sea captain back in the 1700's who could be considered a pirate if I wanted to get liberal with it.

Peace
Michelle

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger meno said...

I just have to correct Matthew. A vibrating tampon would get your mind off cramps like a massage would distract you from that nagging headache.

Or something like that.

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger Terri said...

ha, I loved #13! There's just got to be something for you out there. It just may take until retirement to find it.

 
At 01 June, 2007, Blogger Newt said...

I know that had my grandparents owned an adult toy store they would have been much kinder and more interestig people. How can you be mean and judgemental when you sell dildos for a living? I bet your grandfather would have provided you with years of blog fodder :-) Just think of the adventures when you got to hang out with him at work???

 
At 02 June, 2007, Blogger Tory said...

I too have an evil twin. I think I got rid of her for the most part once I had my hysterectomy. I've been much more mellow since.
Kind of like when you get your cat neutered, they get fat and lay around a lot. That's me!
Tory

 
At 02 June, 2007, Blogger mamatulip said...

A vibrating tampon?

That's disgusting, and brilliant. LOL!

 
At 02 June, 2007, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Your dad sounds awesome! A vibrating tampon - at least one thing would be fun about having your period!!

I have an innie too!

 
At 02 June, 2007, Blogger EE said...

.....I'm sorry...I'm still stuck on the 'vibrating tampon'....

[shaking head]

Interesting. Very interesting. LOL!

 
At 03 June, 2007, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I dont know where to begin on how wrong a vibrating tampon is.

 
At 03 June, 2007, Blogger Lefty said...

1) Hey, MY car smells like butter, too! (Or is it dirty feet?)

2) You gotta watch those split personalities. Mine is always drinking beer and complaining about how much money his wife spends. (Or is that my regular personality? I forget.)

3) Funny about the job thing. I just saw an ad in yesterday's paper. A local company is looking for a twisted fairy.

 
At 03 June, 2007, Blogger Lefty said...

sassy--isn't it ALWAYS the cleaning crew? Or the boss.

 
At 03 June, 2007, Blogger mrspao said...

You got me. How can your ear lobes have dimples? I think we need a photo!

 
At 03 June, 2007, Blogger Peggy said...

If your split personality was nicking the soap, you would have seen it turn up at home. It's not you or any of your other personalities. Do they really buy such great soap at work?


p.s. I bet some of that vintage porn found in the garbage bags could be worth something on the open market.

 
At 03 June, 2007, Blogger J-Funk said...

You talk about the "dirty old man" gene running in your family and trying to find your dream career all in the same post... hrm... I think you should put those two together and see what you can come up with. Maybe a porn movie screenwriter? or a sex counselor? It seems you could put your daydreaming skillz to use somehow in there...

 
At 04 June, 2007, Blogger Terri said...

you are just too popular and may not have time; but how about 8 random facts - you're tagged!

 
At 04 June, 2007, Blogger Arabella said...

"When he died, they found 33 black trash bags filled with porn in his garage."

So, anything good?

I don't really understand soap theft, either. Now, if it were Purell...

 
At 04 June, 2007, Blogger Tawcan said...

So I'm not the only one with split personality? Phew thank god. :)

 
At 04 June, 2007, Blogger Chelle said...

What a creative and sick idea! :)

 
At 04 June, 2007, Blogger Maggie said...

Man if you find someone hiring professional daydreamers, let me know!

I have an idea for the soap. Look for the cleanest hands and the person who doesn't have smelly feet. I mean besides yourself. Unless of course you cannot find that person in which case I highly recommend you get a lawyer who specializes in split personality clepto cases.

 
At 04 June, 2007, Blogger Nettie said...

You should send the soap theif to our company......just think of the possibilities! All we make is soap.

 
At 04 June, 2007, Blogger Tink said...

Nettie: No kidding! They'd probably die from over stimulation.

Maggie: Can you imagine that phone call? "Hi, I'd like to sue myself for mental damages."

Tawcan: What's your split personality's name?

Arabella: I don't know. I was only 10. It was quite a few years later that I found out about it. The real question is, where did it GO?

Terri: It's not that I'm popular (I'm kind of a nerd, really) or too busy. But I've done the meme 3 or 4 times now and I'm plum out of strange habits/facts. But I'd gladly take another! :)

J-Funk: It must have skipped a generation, because I don't think I'm very dirty minded.
...
Are you laughing? I couldn't even TYPE that with a straight face.

Peggy: You have a point! Maybe my split personality is stealing it and then quickly selling it before I come back? But then, where's the money?

MrsPao: People confuse them for second earring holes all the time. I'll try to remember to take a picture for you.

Lefty: #3. My hero! I should probably apply before another twisted fairy comes along and steals it.

Tory: *Snort* That's awful!

Newt: From what I hear, he let me make nonalcoholic drinks for the customers at the bar when I was 4. I got really good at making Shirley Temples.

Mathew and Meno: You guys are too funny.

Michelle: I'll buy that. Arg!

Mignon: He never got around to making it. But I think the design was applicator-less with a contraption that attached to the bottom. Then the string was pulled through before inserting. I don't know. I think I might have tuned the entire conversation out. *Shudder* There are just some places you shouldn't go with your own Dad.

Sassy: Right? I always leave my purse out. But the stash of goodies? They're under lock and key. :D

Chris: Ewww. Ok. I'll take the feet. Better than feeling like you're swimming in cologne fumes all day.

 
At 04 June, 2007, Blogger Chris said...

Vibrating tampon, huh? Interesting. Not in a good way, I don't think...

 

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